Conflicted over temptation to cheat

[conflicted2]

I am 25 yrs old, have been married for 5 years. My husband and I have are doing failrly well for ourselves, good jobs, all the toys, degrees etc. We have had a very tumultuous relationship to say the least. He is 28 and has a daughter from a previous relationship. He is very much a taker type personality, very dependent on me emotionally, I am the giver, and rescuer. He has come to expect this from me and doesn't appreciate anything I do anymore. He is an introvert, I am an extrovert. I feel I have comprised my character, I am most unhappy when around him. He is a nice looking guy, not mean, abusive, somehwat passive, where I am more of an assertive personality. We have had in the past serious trust issues, he has lied to me often, which I ahve always felt was the utmost disrespect to a partner. Our intimacy level is no existent. I am very conflicted, I have had an encounter with a colleague at a conference, just "making" out if you will. But I feel very guilty, but also find myself flirting because I feel so unfulfilled at home. I crave attention that I don't receive from my spouse. I have tried to communicate with him the past couple years about how I feel but he just doesn't seem to comprehend. I most recently have received a job offer 1000 miles away, I have decided I will accept, and my concern is that I am doing this for the wrong reasons. His concern is that I am using this a means to an end. Part of me feels, that if I don't take the opportunity I will resent him, however I am also tired of him expecting to always be there and take care of him. I think we have become 2 very different people in five years, and I know I have matured some. I know I am rambling at this point, but I feel bad about the tempation I am so close to act on, I can't get this person from the conference out of my mind. He is married too, and is feeling guilt/shame. We talk on the phone and email each other, he has acknowledged his attraction still for me as have I. I wonder if this is just a result of the "thrill" of wondering what could have been, since we didn't fully act on our feelings. I wonder if this is some void, that I am trying to fill. Needless to say, I am very conflicted, don't know what to do, my husband is a nice man and I think I want to make it work, but part of me just wants to be rid of everything, but I don't think I would have the heart to do it. If I am feeling the feelings of tempation...it is not fair to him for me to stay is it? I feel very guilty for my actions. If anyone has any thoughts, or has experienced anything similar...I would love to hear form you! Am very confused.

[mahlina]

At least, you guys did bear any children together. It would make the situation even worse if you did. If he was dishonest to you in the beginning, what makes you thinik that he's been completely honest to you the whole time? I've had similar experiences with people who lied to me, and in the end, I found out that those lies did not stop, and consistantly continued until I ended it.

 

In other words, I guess, in some way, you don't have to feel too guilty about your actions. It's kind of a sign though. You even know the answer. You basically fell out of love with him?

 

The only bad thing is that the other guy, your co-worker, has kids. I feel sorry for his kids. I'm not a marriage counseler, but I think that the best thing to do is to communicate with your husband. See if you can rekindle things, if you really desire to, and see what happens from there. Oh, and by all means, stop contact with the co-worker.

 

And with the new position, I think that you taking it would be great, however it also serves a different alternative, a way to dodge your problems and not confront these issues. Perhaps you need some time off.

[conflicted2]

Just to clarify, the colleague doesn't have children either...Not that it makes the situation any better.

 

As hard as it is to admit, you are right, I believe I did fall out of love with him. But how do you tell someone that? I was thinking that taking this job and just separating geographically, would make me and him realize either how much we really mean to each other...or else the worst. We bicker constantly, and will spend an entire evening in the same room of the house, just doing our thing without even speaking. Otherwise, he is always complaining about life, his job...etc.etc... I on the other hand always like to look at how "blessed" we really are, and need to be thankful not complain...

 

Anyway rambling again...thanks for your honesty and words.

[mahlina]

I can see why you want out. He sounds exhausting! It's like you're the parent, and he's the whiner. He's probably pessissmistic, and you're not. That's why sometimes marriage can be sketchy, b/c you don't really know how the person truly is until you live with them day in and day out.

 

To answer your question, how do you tell someone that you're not in love with them anymore:

 

Like you've realized, it's not easy. But, I would approach it like this, "Honey, I'm tired of us arguing, we need to talk...our relationship obvioulsy is not healthy, it's not going anywhere, what do you think? What should we do?"

 

At least by including the word 'we', you're allowing him to realize that you are confused, and you're not trying to neglect the relationship. Your situation is truly confusing.

 

At least you have all of the bare necessities. Some couples are worst off, they have to deal with a divorce, and have to deal with trying to start a career, etc. Some couples divorce b/c they have to struggle in order to be financially stable.

 

So, at least in that aspect, you're financially stable, and if a divorce were to occur, you won't have to be dependent on his income.

 

Try your best to sit him down and talk. I'm no expert, but am glad to share my advice to you.

[idunno]

you want to justify cheating on your husband but it cant be justified. if you want to cheat, cheat, if you want to leave, leave. karma is a mother and it will come back to you, do unto others and all that. its real.

[heyou]

You know what, finish one relationship before starting another. Who do you think you are anyway? Just hope that someday if the tables are turned that someone might have as much consideration for you.