Have you ever been lead on?

[lady00]

You'll be supprised how many people lead each other on. I think in your case, he was keeping his options open, while "working out" his relationship with this other girl. That was his decision, maybe he lied a little, i expect to keep you as a back-up. I think its good to say "i wont be second choice" is that what ur gettin at?

 

1 thing you might need to accept, is there are alot of people out there dating, but are also trying to patch up their past relationship.

 

I think in the future, I'm going to take things slowly and not get my feelings involved until I feel like it might be going somewhere...just enjoy the dating but not take it too seriously. Also, I know this may be hard to do, but I do want to avoid types like this guy...in the time since then he has broken up and gotten back together with his ex several times (his relationship status changes every 10 seconds LOL and I always see it because facebook notifies me whenever my friends' relationship status change). So, I do think if possible I'll stay away from the ones that keep getting back together and breaking up with their exes...just not a stable situation...clearly they are both still hung up on each other. To me, what he did was lie, and I'm not cool with that. By my age, I would hope that people could just be adult and be honest about these things and say "I'm trying to work things out with my ex," in which case, I would just say "that's cool. We should hang out some time, as friends. I hope things work out between you guys." I can't do the backup thing. I think he was just hanging out with me and not telling me the truth because he wanted someone to be there as a backup...I can't play that role. But I made the mistake of believing him before I knew him too well--I realize I want to continue giving people the benefit of the doubt but at the same time, if I don't know someone well, I have no basis for believing what they say. From now on hopefully I'll be more on the lookout for and more aware of that when it's happening...but that's the risk with dating...you just never know...but I'm going to try to be smarter about it from now on and not necessarily take people at their word if I don't know them well.

 

I guess at the end of the day, I know there are certain was I would and would not comport myself and there are so many other people in the world with different views on this but I hope I'll find one that has the same views as me on this.

[Caterina]

If you arent dating someone exclusively then you are free to see as many people as you like and choose the one you like the best. Perhaps in your world you like to tell people that you arent seeing exclusively that you are seeing a lot or maybe other people but not on an exclusive basis yet the truth is if I am not seeing you exclusively then I am single and dont have to tell you who else I am seeing besides you when I say that I am single that means I am not exclusive with you or anybody else which means I could or could not be seeing a lot of different people.

When I find the one well then I drop off all the rest. If you cant handle that then you need to do a better job of describing "single"

 

Its still deceitful. I'm not trying to be mean, but my point still stands despite all of your assumptions about how a person should interpret a direct answer to a direct question.

[Caterina]

I don't see why you need to defend yourself by explaining anything. You're obviously right...the guy was decietful, simple as that. Yeah, he didn't directly lie. This is like Bill Clinton or something, "would you define the word 'is' please?" I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I don't see how the other point stands in any way. Its like saying that its somehow your fault that the guy was a decietful person,which it isn't in any way.

 

I'm not trying to be mean, but I don't see why the point is relevant considering that the ethics of what the guy was doing are much weightier.

[lady00]

1 thing you might need to accept, is there are alot of people out there dating, but are also trying to patch up their past relationship.

 

It's just not something I want to accept...maybe I will figure out a way to avoid it. I just think if someone is still hung up on an ex and hoping to get back together, that is someone I need to avoid because to me that's a sign they are just not ready to date someone new. I'm fine with someone who doesn't want to get back together but may not be 100% over their ex. But if they are actively trying to work things out, I have to wonder why they are even dating in the first place...well I don't really have to care...I just have to avoid them.

[lady00]

I don't see why you need to defend yourself by explaining anything. You're obviously right...the guy was decietful, simple as that. Yeah, he didn't directly lie. This is like Bill Clinton or something, "would you define the word 'is' please?" I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I don't see how the other point stands in any way. Its like saying that its somehow your fault that the guy was a decietful person,which it isn't in any way.

 

Good to know someone agrees with me I wonder, how do I avoid this in the future? How do I learn from this in a way that enhances my dating experiences in the future? I've thrown out some ideas but I am open to other suggestions. Obviously I can't control how others act, but I know I can control my choices and what who I choose to get involved with on any level. Still trying to figure that stuff out but hopefully I will get there some day. I'm in no rush though...I figure, I've got time to figure all that out and as I grow and learn, I think I will find the right fit eventually.

[Caterina]

Good to know someone agrees with me I wonder, how do I avoid this in the future? How do I learn from this in a way that enhances my dating experiences in the future? I've thrown out some ideas but I am open to other suggestions. Obviously I can't control how others act, but I know I can control my choices and what who I choose to get involved with on any level. Still trying to figure that stuff out but hopefully I will get there some day. I'm in no rush though...I figure, I've got time to figure all that out and as I grow and learn, I think I will find the right fit eventually.

\

 

I mean, there are some ways to avoid it but they are pretty ridiculous:

 

- Don't believe what people say (yeah, but sometimes we can't just live as paranoid, untrusting freaks, either)

 

- Don't allow yourself to have any emotions for anyone until they've proven theirs for you

 

or, the best:

 

- just avoid the dating world altogether. That way no one will ever lie to you or hurt you.

 

Thing is, sometimes we are gonna have to take a risk and maybe we're wrong: maybe that person is just a liar and we have to deal with it.

[lady00]

there are alot of people out there dating, but are also trying to patch up their past relationship.

 

Dating is certainly a minefield! There are those trying to get back together with their exes and then there are those with a whole host of other hangups/issues. I'm not thinking I can avoid the baggage but yeah I do agree with your point that it's important not be anyone's backup. I guess I am just trying to figure out as I go along what issues/baggage I am OK with, and what's a red flag that I just need to avoid altogether, because I know I have baggage too and so does everyone else...so it's not something anyone can avoid...I guess it's just a matter of making the right choices, armed with past experience and knowledge of myself and my values/relationship goals.

[lady00]

 

- Don't allow yourself to have any emotions for anyone until they've proven theirs for you

 

or, the best:

 

- just avoid the dating world altogether. That way no one will ever lie to you or hurt you.

 

 

I think there is actually value to both of these. The second is only a temporary solution, which I'm doing right now since dating does not particularly make me happy at this point in my life and I have other things going on that I want to put my energy and focus into. As for the first suggestion, however, I think it's a bit of a give-and-take...I think people in a relationship need to meet half-way with regard to this. I think they need to be on the same page as far as investment in the relationship. I think it is a risk but I think we need to be careful how much of ourselves we put into something in the early stages. I used to have the problem of investing too much too early on. That was a huge mistake. I'm not particularly untrusting but I will say this, I definitely believe trust is earned and it takes time to build up trust. In the past, I did not think this way and I think it was to my detriment.

[lady00]

Just to add one more thing about not getting too invested...all relationships start out with the honeymoon phase of people saying wonderful things about each other, how much they like each other, how attracted they are etc. I have always found it a shock to the system when this stops and a guy changes his mind about me. I think being too invested too early on was one of the reasons this was so painful and such a shock to me. I guess a better approach would be to take things very slowly and see if I can weather the honeymoon phase without getting too attached and invested. Then there is a real foundation for something lasting. Then there is a foundation for mutual trust and really opening up and letting someone into my life.

[Madoc]

Yes all the time.