What does it take?

[Fox1198]

Hopefully those who have had the experience can tell me...

 

What should a partner be like in order to be compatible with you in marriage? Seeing how 50+% of marriages end in failure, and seeing the pain that often result from it, I'm just wondering, what can I do to avoid this in my own future?

 

I know, one option is to not marry... but let's say I wanted to find a life partner to share my memories with. Must that person fit me like a glove in every way?

[SapphireNoir10]

Im young and I dont know much, but If I look at my parents relationship its about these things

 

-Being able to laugh together even in the worst times

-Sticking by eachother no matter what, always offering support, help and being there

-Not forgetting to be a husband or wife when you've got children

-Compromise, doing things you dotn want to do occasionally to make the other person happy example...my dad loves walking up hills my mum doesnt, she occasionaly goes to make him happy.

-Marrying a person who you love for who they are, dont marry someone in the hope you can change them because you cant, before you marry them you have to be a hundred percent happy you love them for who they are. Trying to change people causes biterness and resentment

-Not forgetting the romance, the kisses, the touch

- 50/50 both doing your bit around the house etc

-Give and take

 

These are the most important things in a marriage I think. If you think you might be with the ONE. Think...will he and you be able to do all the things in that relationship?

[RayKay]

Well, I would suggest that what is important is going to vary from person to person and couple to couple so the FIRST requirement is knowing yourself well enough as a person to know what you want and need.

 

Also, remember, I bet you those 50% also believed they knew....so you can never know 100% as it takes you BOTH to make it and you can never be ENTIRELY sure of anything when there is someone else involved and a lot of uncertainties in life involved. By the way, the 50% IS a bit skewed. Up here in Canada it is more like 40% overall (less for couples over 25). In the US the median is around 50%, but the under 25's bring the overall up (60%) so I would guess for the over 25's it is lower.

 

There is a good book out there titled something like "100 conversations you should have before you get married" or something. It's a good start! Not only for the "talks" but for the communication aspect.

 

What do *I* feel is important for me - qualities for us both to have?

 

- Maturity in respect of our approach to long term partnership, knowing it is not always going to be easy but being dedicated to the work of it.

 

- Shared values (i.e. on commitment, priorities, trust, honesty, etc) and shared relationship & life goals (i.e. children, lifestyle, location)

 

- Open communication and honesty, as well as compatibility, with issues like finances, sex, household labour, workloads...this does not mean you are the "same", but that you can work with one another to figure out what works for you.

 

- Healthy communication and conflict styles - knowing how to approach conflicts and issues together without building resentment. This does not mean "no fighting" is healthier than "frequent" fighting...what is more important is HOW you resolve things and how you both feel during and after the process.

 

- Taking the time for one another, and making it a priority. We all get busy. Very busy. Children, work schedules, going back to school, ill parents, extra curriculars can all really put a lot of demand on your schedule. It may "seem" less romantic to have to "book" time for one another, but this sometimes IS what needs to be done and it's important.

 

- Friendship. This to me is key. Underneath it all you must be friends with one another and not only be able to laugh and play together, but confide, support and stick up for one another.

 

- Realizing you cannot depend on your partner to MAKE you happy. Your happiness is your responsibility. Of course, they should not be the ones intentionally making you miserable, but often we place our own boredom, lack of happiness or anger at selves on to our partners shoulders and that is just unfair, unhealthy and going to take a toll.

 

- Trust, trust, trust. This is not just about fidelity and physical "trust". It is also emotional, mental and spiritual trust. This goes not only for trusting them, but trusting yourself and your own strengths. Along with this comes honesty and truthfulness.

 

- Loving action. Love as a feeling can ebb and flow at times - not just due to our partner, but often us. Practice loving actions to keep that love going high and nurtured when sometimes you feel the least like it. If one morning you wake up and feel "out of love" - make them breakfast in bed (or whatever is your "love language" together). Loving actions recreate and nourish the feelings of positivity and connection....and reignite loving feeling.

 

- Similarly, take the time to listen and understand your partner. Compromise, and also don't be afraid to ask for what YOU need too directly (not beating around the bush). Often couples fight about sex for example (lack of). One partner wants it...one is not in the mood. It's often just the symbol for something deeper. One of them is saying "I feel unwanted & rejected, and I miss you". One is saying "I feel neglected and unappreciated and can't be that intimate with you because of it". Talk, and find a way to solve the problem together but talk about the real issues and not the superficial one. And make those compromises. Yes, you may not be in the mood, but you probably will get into it if you start. And yes, you may feel rejected, but maybe they just need a foot massage or some time to talk before they are ready.

 

- Sense of humour. Because life, and marriage, just aren't easy, and you both need to somehow get through it with some laughter.

 

- Along with trust comes faith in yourself and your partner. Faith you can do it, even when sometimes it seems hard.

 

- Support and respect for personal growth. You don't stop being whom you are just because you are married. You are both individuals...respect that, nourish it and encourage it. Keep on growing as a person and enjoying your interests, hobbies, and pursuing your goals in life. Having a partner does not stop this, there may need to be compromises and some shifting of priorities, but if you love someone, you really WANT to see them grow as a person and be the individual they are.

 

- Forgiveness. I am not talking about ignoring your boundaries (such as cheating, or abuse) of course. There are some things that you need to move on from. Even someone whom loves you deeply is going to sometimes unintentionally hurt you. If you cannot forgive, it's going to just erode the entire foundation you have built. But, also comes forgiveness for yourself for YOUR mistakes too.

 

 

There is a lot more 'little things' tied up in all this, but that is the "gist of it".

 

But no, you should not be "identical in every way" or "perfect". I am going to say that if you expect perfection, you are going to be sorely disappointed. No person is perfect, and no marriage or long term relationship is perfect. You are two very different people, and that is a GOOD thing! Respect and appreciate those differences and learn from one another rather than try and conform them or yourselves.