do i send the "go to hell" letter or not??

[ROJOE]

I posted on here not too long ago about the break up with my girl of two years ("getting back together" section). This site has really helped me and I appreciate those who responded earlier.

 

It's been 2 1/2 months since we broke up and I'm still meandering in and out of my loneliness/depression. My ex basically did a 180 from the person I thought I knew ever since we broke up. She got herself into a rebound relationship only two weeks after we broke up, and she's done a number of other things that are unimaginable to me.

 

I conjured up a letter basically "calling her out" and detailing my feelings about how she's behaved since the break up. I wrote it knowing that I would probably never get the answers to my unanswered questions. I also wrote it so that she knows that I know certain things about her since we split that she never thought I knew.

 

I know it seems petty or immature to give this letter to her, but I'm at a loss for closure here. I really am. I believe that having her read this and knowing the things I know, will make her feel guilty. I don't want her back. I did, but not now. I just want to tell her how horrible I think she's been and the way she's dealt with everything. I feel like she's wasted two years of my life with the way she's been acting. Like someone I didn't even know. I really want her to know this. I feel like that if I can get this off my chest, then I can walk away knowing that I was able to tell her these things.

 

Is there anyone out there that agrees/disagrees with this letter and it's purpose? I've been sitting on it for a while, but the urge to give it to her is becoming more overwhelming as each day passes.

 

Can someone please help? Thank you.

[willoveverfindme]

Hi -I feel I can relate to you about wasting years of my life with someone and then needing closure. I dated a man for almost a year and a half. When the relationship ended, I was shocked on how he dumbed me and then I didnt have closure. I say, if it will help you end the relationship to have the closure you need, seen the letter, whats it going to hurt. If I had my exboyfriends address, I would have sent one too. Instead of me sending him a letter, I did what Dr. JOhn Gray the author of the MarsVenus books. He said, write a letter to him and spill your guts out, tell him how much you are hurting and what he did to hurt you. Pour it out on that letter and pretend you are writing it to him.. It did ease my pain so much. Also I got a book called Dont Call That Man. It is geared towards women, but the advise in this book helped me more then anything. It speaks of how to let them go and how to move on with your life.. Just how to go about it. Id recommend this book to anyone in a relationship where they need to let go of the love and the past they had with someone.. Sometimes we discover that the person we loved are not what we had thought. This is what happened to me.. I am just happy I didnt marry the man, then find out !! I hope this little bit of personal experience can help you some.. I do understand the pain very well. But my heart has healed more then I thought it would. As the old saying goes, Time Heals All Wounds

Take care !!

[Anamarie89]

I agree with the intent, but don't send it. It won't have the intended effect, and you'll wish you'd ripped it up.

 

Instead of sending it, make sure it says exactly what you want it to say (edit it if you have to) and then memorize it. Then if you ever get into a conversation with her (not one about the weather, an actual conversation approaching the topic of your break-up), bring up the topics in the letter Unless she initiates or consents to such a conversation verbally, don't think about it or talk about it to her.

 

Easier said than done, but there is a very high chance that you will regret sending that letter. If you're willing to bank on the small percentage of chance that the letter will be good enough, then whatever, it your life. But remember, it is a lot easier to write off and ignore words on a page than a living human face.

 

And thats the best advice i can give.

[jaded4life]

Hello Rojoe

I can fully relate to how you feel. You are angry, hurt, bitter, sad you have an ambivalency of emotions. One day you may feel as if you hate your ex and wish you had never laid on eyes on such a ruthless heart, however, there are days when you may reminisce about the time you spent, the memories you created together, and the love you felt.

Not to disregard your question but I too have recently endured the pain of ending a 3 yr relationship and as odd as it may seem he too began dating only after 2 wks plus having said that he was not ready for a commitment in his life with anyone, left me in a heap of weeping chaos. I did "crazy" out of the way things, and I regeret each one. I can not rationalize my actions but I do know that I was temporarily not focusing on reality. I was in a midst of loss love, rejection, sorrow, guilt as I had been the one to end it. I felt as if I drove him into her arms. I wrote letters after letter and after letter, some I regretedly sent via emial, most I read over and over systemically and shed many tears as I relived the pain, but I did however shred them into pieces and threw then away. Oh I still write him all the time every time I feel the pain resurfacing, everytime I feel responsible, everytime I blame him, everytime I blame his new girl, everytime I miss him, I write it out as if it were to go to him, and I shred it up and throw it out. Writing is a an excellant source to precisely release your thoughts, emotions, every word you desire to express can be written, now what you choose to do with this letter is the tricky part . Sure you may give her the letter, she may read it and may honestly feel guilt, hurt, ashamed, all the emotions she should fel for hurting you, but will she? she should but that is not in your control. I regret sending the email I sent to my ex b/c he did hurt me, he destroyed our love, memories, and I am angry and I want him to know, but he will and probably does, just as your ex does!

Take that letter read it, cry, get pised and tear it up, ball it up tear it into tiny pieces, this may sound crazy but it can serve as a symbolism of getting even with her. You got it out, wrote it down, faced your demons and you let it go. Let her go! Believe me she will realize on her own what she has down, she will feel the guilt, pain, sorrow, etc, but you can ot help her with that. I do not know your ex or her character but she may even try to mess you up more by spreading rumors that YOU cannot give over it. True you may not be over it and who would expect you to if you were genuine in your commitment but do not give her that satisfaction. Hold your head up high, get a new wardrobe, workout, improve yourself, focus on you and healing you.

You may feel like a wound reopens everytime you see her, but do not show it, do not surrender to her style! You have proved yourslef better. I know you are thinking that you just want her to admit her wrong, but she will not, and if she does, would you believe her? really?

You can do this I have faith in you my friend, you and I may have been the ones who loved trhe most and got hurt the most in each of our relationships but you can also be the one to benefit the most from it too. Take care

[Hero_99]

What is the point of this? Calling girls on their actions only give them justification to do those things again. You stated that you want to make her feel guilty, but probably the complete opposite will happen.

 

Just don't ever talk to her again, seriously. You do need to write the letter to vent your emotions, though.

[Gilgamesh]

I once wrote a letter as you did, telling my Ex all the things she did that was wrong, how she hurt me, lied, etc. it was very very long, and i was going to send it at first.

 

but after I was done, I realized there was no need anymore.

 

Letter writting is a cure onto itself, you see, after a breakup, you have all these thoughts in your head, memories, discussions, things you saw, or she did, but they come to you all mixed up, out of context etc.

 

When you write it all down, it organizes it all in your head, it puts everything in order. and really helps you understand things.

 

I never sent the letter, and i am glad I didnt.

[idunno]

hero 99 is totally right on this, you have to break from it. go do something, go out of town, whatever. dont be a schmuck, you'll feel silly later and she will have won, keep your self respect man.

[JSHRN]

I'd also send the letter. That's what I'm ready to do with the woman I dated for 4 months and then all of a sudden, she vanished. Not even a phone call. She won't even return my calls.

 

I would pour your heart and let them know how much they hurt you. Hopefully, it will help you get some closure that you deserve.

 

Good Luck.

[bdub]

I think it could go either way. It really depends on what your desired outcome is. If you are expecting that it will change things, then don't send the letter. She will most likely not care about it and you will be wondering even more why what you feel doesn't mean anything to her. If, on the other hand, it is really just to relaease the pain that you have been feeling, then send it. But think very hard about it. If deep down you are hoping something will come of sending the letter, then don't send it.

 

Just my opinion,

Best Wishes,

bdub

[frenchie]

Have recently had a friend in a similar situation so will go along the same lines of my advice in fact I set them a challenge and suggested that they took out anthing emotive, blaming, self pitying,jealousy related and look at what if anything they had left to send and it magically went from 10 lines to 2 and consequently didnt get sent! it wont change whats happened it wont put things right. Sometimes you need closure but just dont get it I lways tell myself in those situations its because the other party isnt capable of giving it, and sometimes it just opens up a whole can of worms that you hadnt even considered, so in short rise above it get on with life we are here for such a short time and put this unfortunate scenario down to experience

[ROJOE]

I guess I'm still not sure. I appreciate everyone's advice, but it's so tough to decide.

 

I don't think it could do any more damage if I sent it. I feel that she needs to know these things. Even if she has decided to sweep everything she's done under the rug like it was no big deal.

 

What to do, what to do....

[ROJOE]

AND WHAT ABOUT THE MUTUAL FRIENDS?????

 

I'm not able to post another msg at the moment, but what do you do about the mutual friends?

 

The friends in question are a married couple my ex and I were good friends with. The wife works with my ex as a teacher and we both met her at the same time. I was then introduced to her husband. He's a good friend, but things have been kind of strained since this all began. I talked to the wife about everything right when we broke up - thinking that she would have some insight on what my ex was thinking. Well, I found out later that she told my ex pretty much everything we had discussed. It really hurt. I don't talk to her about anything now. It's tough because my buddy likes me a lot, but his wife is friends with my ex, works with her, and is a better friend to her than me; understandable. And my friend is stuck between a rock and a hard place, and he'll do whatever his wife probably asks of him.

 

I'm not sure what to do about this relationship with the couple. I like the guy and the girl is OK, but my ex is trying to get them to do things with her new boyfriend. They already had been out once with them. It leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. The whole thing.

 

Any advice??? Should I stop hanging out with my friend because of his wife? He feels for me (he really does) and doesn't understand why my ex has done the things she's done as well. But, he has a wife that's good friends with my ex.

 

What do you do???