Difficult situation, might be in the "just friends trap

[Archivist]

Hello everyone,

 

Its been a while since I've posted on here. I had just started to get over my ex, it doesn't hurt to think about her, and i dont have her on my mind when i'm trying to sleep. Thats why we started to talk to each other again.

 

My ex broke off our 1 and a half year realtionship 2months ago, because she wanted time and space to herself, nothing was wrong with us, she even told her mum after we broke up that i did treat her right, she just needed her own space. Things were changing in her life and she needed to be on her own. I took the news badly, but i respected her choice, I did not beg or plead her back. I was quite good and did not contact her much at all, during our time apart which is why i was able to get on with my life much faster that i would have thought.

 

We recently started talking again, it was at a time when things at home were pretty bad for her. At first it was pretty awkward and we found ourselves asking each other if we are happyier now. I could tell she missed me because of the questions she was asking, we both admitted to missing each other later. She also asked me if i prefer my life now or the one i had with her before, but she quickly apologiesed for asking that question and told me not to answer it. I told her later that i do think we could could work this out again since we never broke up for a bad reason. She said she really doesn't know what she wants, maybe we can get back together in the future but not right now, and she told me not to wait for her. Thats when i suggested giving each other more time and space to think things over but she hasn't really done that. I think she may have said those things just because things at home were quite bad at the time.

 

I've already accepted that the relationship we had is over and if she didn't want to get back with me when i asked, i would have been disapointed, but i would have been ok. But since shes said she doesn't know its different now.

 

We organised a day to meet up and catch up were we both really enjoyed ourselves, and ever since then we've been talking on the phone and sms'in loads. I find that she is the one who contacts me much more but shes always been like that anyway, she loves to talk on the phone and text even if its not with me. Shes asked to go out again this weekend but i think i've fallen into a nasty trap.

 

She knows how i feel about her but i dont make any moves i was just seeing if she was going to reach out to me, she hasn't really done that in any obvious ways. Now it seems like i'm going to fall into the "friends only trap" I really enjoy talking to her again but the problem is that i now find myself falling for her again.

 

She contacts me alot, weve been talking everyday since. Its almost exactly how it used to be when we were together, we just dont kiss, hold each other or anything intemate like that. We both talk on the phone everynight till we sleep just like before. The only thing is the fact that we are not together. I know i am in a dangerous situation and i really dont know what to do.

 

Shall i wait just a little bit more and see her a few more times till i am sure she doesn't want me back at this moment and then explain to her and back off. Or should i just tell her now that i think its not a good idea to talk so much since she knows how i feel, and its almost just like how it was before we broke accept we are not together. I just dont know how she will react. I find myself wanting to be back with her, but at the same time, I know it wont hurt as much as it did before if she rejects me now, is this normal? If anyone can lend a little insite into what i should do please i'd like to hear.

 

Thank you

 

Jamie

[bdub]

eratrya,

 

The expectations are what is killing you. Somewhere, maybe just under the feelings that you are aware of, or maybe that you are aware of, there is an expectation that you will be back together. Now, no matter how the situation turns out, this expectation is going to harm you.

 

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd be greatful that I had back somebody who I assume you care about and respect. Getting back a friend always feels good . If I were you, I'd just sit back and play it cool. Just have a good time. Don't concern yourself with the future right now. Don't bring expectations into the situation that might hurt you in the long run. If you don't expect anything to happen, and then it does, you'll just be pleasantly surprised. Just stay cool and don't pressure anything. Let fate work its majic for awhile .

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

[Archivist]

Thank you bdub,

 

I understand what you are saying and I am greatful that I have got her back in my life. But if it wasn't for the fact that she isn't sure of what she wants herself life would be much easyier. Shes the one who raised my expectations in the first place by asking me that question and telling me that perhaps we can be back together in the future.

 

I just think that we can both be much more happyier if we were back together, shes just called me 3 times already today and she said shes going to call me back tonight after shes finished with some work she has to do. Its the constant contact shes thinks shes needs to keep with me, which is raising my expectations each time.

 

I think i will go with the flow for now, i'm trying not to expect anything, i guess time will tell who she feels about me. I just hope by then its not too late and she just thinks of me as a friend when we still have a some feelings for eachother at this moment.

[bdub]

Dude,

 

I have friends, close ones. Male and female. I don't call them more than once a week, thats on a good week. If she finds time to call you in her busy schedule more than once a day, don't worry about being in the "friend trap".

 

The expectation isn't about what she's doing. Its about how you percieve the situation. At some point, you will be in a situation where you feel the relationship isn't going where you want it to. I don't think that is where you are at, because you honestly don't know right now. If you are able, give it some more time. Just keep being friends. It may be painful at times, but just remember you have a friend in her. That can't be bad, right? Don't be caught up worrying about what is the definition of your relationship. In western culture, we are extremely uncomfortable in situations where we can't assign a name to what we are experiencing. Enough about the psychology of our culture, but that is where you are. Just relax and emjoy your friend. Simple as that!

 

Good Luck and Best Wishes,

bdub