I want her back!

[83wilsco]

I have recently moved abroad to go to College (Im 20) having been in an amazing 3 year relationship. She was my first love and I was hers. We lost our virginity to each other and our relationship was so deep and powerful. She didnt really have any friends because she spent all of her time with me and thereforeeee when I left she found herself extremely lonely and heartbroken. I told her that my home was still with her and that I would come back for all holidays (6months/year) and we agreed to stay together, even though during the month leading up to me leaving she started to distance herself from me because she was insecure and thought that I would find another girl at college.

 

The day that I left was heartbreaking for me and her. As soon as I landed she called me crying and day after day she cried down the phone and sent me amazing emails saying how much she missed me and how i was "the one". Then, gradually she started distancing herself from me while I was away and eventually (although not making it very clear) she broke up with me. I was devastated and still am (this was a month ago). She started being horrible to me and blaming me for the breakup, I was so confused because I had been "her life" in her words, for the last three years. I have recently found out that she is with someone else, who just so happened to be her only friend before I left. He is completely not her type. Im so hurt, so depressed and dont know what to do. She is continuing being horrible to me at times and then saying things like shes watching me from the stars at night at other times. Ive spoken to her mum and she says that this is just "a stage" or a "flash in the pan", and I think that she had had me there for 3years by her side and that she just needed someone (anyone) to be there with her when she was feeling lonely.

 

Im sorry for such a long post, but I really need some advice as to what to do. I want her to come back to me, I know that she still loves me, but I dont know whether she will because ill be spending quite alot of time abroad and she is with this new guy (complete idiot). I have cut off contact with her (which has been so hard). Its just so confusing that she has gone from the most caring, loving girlfriend to this person I dont know, who is horrible to me most of the time. She used to talk about marriage and kids and now she doesnt want to talk to me at all......

 

I love her with all of my heart and would do anything for us to get back together....

[Ash]

Some people need to have their loved one around, close to them all the time. Try as they might, it's not always possible for them to live apart. If she's that type of person, and it sounds like she is, then there's likely little you can do to change the way she feels about things.

 

Most likely, the reason she was crying, and calling you day after day was that she was grieving with the thought that the day to day closeness she had with you is over. She was grieving. During this time, it's quite likely her feelings were changing, and she was becoming used to you not being around. She may or may not have fallen out of love with you, but she maybe thinks she has.

 

Life is full of decisions. Because of the way you were before, and how you are now, I suspect the only chance you would have of getting her back is to be move back to be around her all the time. If that's not a decision you can make, then it will be extremely tough to get her back I'm afraid.

 

You may be angry and think this other guy is an idiot and has moved onto your turf, but it probably has not muc to do specifically with him. If it wasn't him, it would end up being someone else.

 

The only thing you can do is to try to arrange to be together as much as possible and see if anything can be worked out whereby she's happy with seeing you on occasion, and there's a definate time and date that you can be together full time once again.

[Tonk]

Long distance relationships are the hardest thing to keep going. I live in Australia but was originally from England and find even friendships hard to keep going. I think part of the reason couples get togther this thing called love is all about not only how great we are together but how our partners add something to our lives this is hard if we are not together. I think that you may have to face the possibility your relationship is over if she wont talk to you, as there is no way to get back together if you dont talk. I guess the other thing is how long you will be away at college and were she is often people feel left behind despite the fact this isnt our intention. Maybe if you give her some time she will want to talk or write her an email explaining how you feel and try to get her to explain wher she is soemtimes its easeir in email.

 

Good luck

[83wilsco]

Thanks for your replies.

 

The bottom line is that I would move back to Mallorca (thats where I lived) if it meant that we would get back together. The problem is that now that shes trying to shut me out and forget about me, I asked her whether we would get back together if I was in Mallorca and she said No. Maybe it was because she knows that its best for me to stay here and do my degree, I dont know. Im about 80% sure that we would get back together if I went back to Mallorca, but im not 100% and I would have to be in order to do so.

 

Do you think it would be a better idea to stop contact with her and see whether she comes around? This has happened once before (albeit not over a distance) and she came around after a month. Her mum says that I should give it time and that she thinks we will be together sometime in the future. Im confused as to what to do. I would go back if I knew we would get back together, but I dont know that.

 

Please help!

[Ash]

The difficulty is, the only way you will ever know if it would work if you move back, is to actually move back.

 

If her mum thinks she will come aorund in a while, that actually is a bit of a promising sign. She lives with her day to day (I assume) and will see her in ways you don't right now. I really don't think her mum would say that unless she did believe it had a chance of working out. She'd be more likely to try to have her daughter break contact with you finally if she felt her daughter was truly not going to have a change of heart. She would see prolonged contact as just stretching out the hurt even longer.

 

Perhaps the only thing you can do is if you're prepared to wait, and don't think you can justify moving back is to see what happens. I know of cases where it's taken 6 weeks for a situation like this to work itself through, and it did end up happily.

 

I don't want to give you false hope, but we all need hope, and I imagine you'll be hoping anyway, no matter what you decide to do.

[83wilsco]

Thanks. Your right, we all need hope in these situations. Im not going to think about moving back just yet, I will wait and see what happens. If next summer (June time) I still feel the same about her and things havent worked out I will probably go back there for the summer and see how things go and see if we can work things out....

 

Anyone else have any views? Here mum hasnt necessarily told me to stay in contact with her, she has just told me to get on with my life but that things will be alright in the end....