Never thought he'd contact me again...he did and I'm a mess

[Klementine475]

hi, this is the first time I'm posting a message here, my boyfriend left me 2 weeks ago for the second time and reading all the stuff all of you are going through really helped me feel that I'm not alone and these things happen. Me and my boyfriend were togetehr for a year, at first he lived at my place, rent free, then when we planned to move in together and everything was set and planned he got scared and disappeard, after 2 weeks we got back together but we didn't live togetehr so we saw eachother at weekends. about two weeks ago we started looking for a place again, only he wasn't himself and after a week, he left me again. This time I decided that I had to move on and i started accepting the fact that he didn't love me anymore and that its over and there is no way i'll ever see him again. but a copule of days ago, he sent me a text message begging to see me, so we met and he got down on his knees and asked for another last chance. now I dont know what to do....i want to be happy and i dont want to get hurt again....he's not a stable person (musician) and he's young and so am i, we are really good friends and i'd rather be his friend than have him dump me again and never see him again....I know you're all gonna tell me that getting back together is wrong, but all of you know what its like when you love someone so much and can't say no to them...its just so hard....what i would really appreciate now is for someone to put some order in the mess thats going on in my head, cause actually up until i heard from him, everything was possitive, upsetting but relaxed and possitive....i felt like i was getting stronger and stronger, and now i dont want to feel worthless and weak again, anyway, thank you guys for being here you have no idea how much you helped me.....

[Cid]

first let me say welcom to enotalone, and I am glad that we have helped you so far. Now on what to do I think that you should not go back to him sounds like he is scared to belone but he is scared to go into a deep relasionship too. It is hard but sometimes we must move on just say to him that you cant date him, but you will still like to be friends. I hope that this helps you.

[The Morrigan]

Be honest with him - tell him how you feel, and tell him why.

 

I wouldn't rush back into anything, because it doesn't sound like he's resolved his feelings; he lets go, and panics when he realizes he's let go too far, and then wants you back. That's a vicious cycle to go through all the time.

 

So be honest, tell him what you said here, that you're young, you love him, but you think you're better off as friends than going through this over and over, because eventually you'd lose each other completely that way. Tell him you don't want to live in fear of wondering when he's going to leave again, you'd rather have a strong stable friendship, than a back and forth relationship that's obviously hurting you both.

 

He might still beg and plead - or he might calm down if he realizes he's not in danger of losing you completely, but at least he'll know exactly where you're coming from either way. Depending on how he reacts will tell you how you have to handle him from there. Good luck!

[gemsie]

I know what you should do is move on and leave him behind, but that is easier said than done! From what I am going through at the minute I would do anything to have my ex come back to me, and would jump at the chance to be with him again. Friends will tell you he's not worth it, but if it's what's going to make you happy......

 

Maybe if you decide its what you really want you should take things really slow. Don't even think about moving in together, not for a long time yet. However, what ever you decide to do, make sure you have thought it through, and make sure it's what's best for you. At times like this it's ok to be a litlle selfish!

 

I hope everything turns out ok for you and remember make sure your happy x

[Klementine475]

well, its over for good now, but i dont think we can continue to be friends again after how it ended, in the few days we were speaking he kept saying things then regreting them, then in the end when i was in tears he said contacting me was a mistake and that he's only gonna hurt me again and that he wants out, and i was so confused because of all that has happened and i started crying and begging him not to go even though deep inside in knew it was for the best. I am just so disappointed of how weak i am and how dependant i was on him....i hate myself for it. now i'm back to square one, i feel worthless again and i've lost a good friend, i just know i wont be able to bring myself to see him again because of all the pain i went through when i was with him and the biggest question in my head is if i brought it on myself for loving him and wanting to spend more time with him....can someone please tell me if i'm crazy or if i'm going to be alright, i feel like i'm losing myself here......

[gemsie]

Oh dear, what a mess! What a horrible person he is! Of course none of it is your fault! You may not believe this but time is the best healer, and in time you will realise how much better off you are and what an awful person he is! You deserve so much better.

 

The best thing to do now is to cut all ties with him, I know its hard but it gets worse when you see or speak to them. With my ex i see him at uni every tuesday, i'm really strong through the week, then back to square one on a tuesday. Yesterday though i decided i wasn't going to let him upset me, and i ignored and i felt really good about myself, evn though it still hurts cos i love him alot, but thats the only way you can get accross to them that they can't treat you badly and your not going to be at there beck and call.

 

I think plenty of girlie nghts are called for at the minute, and im sure all your friends will be there for you even if you just want to cry!

 

Hope your feeling better soon and I promise it will get better with plenty time x

[The Morrigan]

Hey - chin up there, a LOT of the people here have been in your shoes, me included.

 

First of all, don't stress over not being friends right now, ok? VERY few relationships can go into friendships that are comfortable for both parties right away, it's just the nature of the beast. It's just too painful for the partner who didn't want to let go, this is NOT something to put yourself down over, it's normal. Right now you need space from him to heal and get on your feet - without the extra reminders his voice and presense would give you, and there's absolutely no shame in that.

 

Second, no... you can't blame yourself for your feelings. Nor can you blame yourself for his. If we had control over who we fell in love with things would be much simpler! The only thing you have control over is how you act on your feelings, and even then there's no guarantee he'll act on HIS maturely. You said you're both young, and he doesn't seem the most stable personality, there's no way you can control that either.

 

The best you can do for now is keep your distance, and focus on doing things to get you back in the routine of living for yourself, get out with friends and family, get into something that interests you that you maybe didn't have time for, treat yourself to a new haircut or color, do things that are just for you until the pain isn't such an immediate thing. If he contacts you again, ask him to please not contact you again, you're not ready to see him as a friend yet, and you'd appreciate it if he'd let you heal and come to him when you're ready to be a friend, when it won't cause you more pain. This pull (I need you) push (on second thought I'm not ready) isn't a cycle you need to be in, it's not good for either of you, and you know that, so do what you can to take some control back and break it.

[Klementine475]

thank you guys for your advice....i'll do my best to try and think of myself and my future plans for myself. The thing is, i was so upset last night that when he asked me if i wanted to stay in contact i said never ever....and i know that one day i would like to be his friend just not right now because i need my time to heal....so now he will think that he's hurt me so much and that i'll never want to speak to him again....this thought is on my mind since last night and i just want him to know that i will want to speak to him again...one day....cause he really is a good friend of mine......i even thought about sending him a message saying i didnt mean what i said and that i just need my time to myself and that maybe one day we can be friends but that will just make me feel hopefull and confused...i dont know should i just give myself time to heal and then think if i want contact with him? or should i just not do anything about what i said and see what will happen in the future?

[gemsie]

Everyone says things they don't mean when they are upset. In time he will understand this. Dont contact him yet though, give yourself some time, then contact him when your ready. Speaking to him now will only hurt you even more!

 

Keep your chin up and keep smiling x

[The Morrigan]

Yep - don't contact him until you know, regardless of what he says or does, it doesn't have the power to hurt you so much. You'll know yourself when you're strong enough and when you're ready to face him again, until then, do what's best for yourself.