looking for unbiased advice

[happyone]

I was in a relationship for two years, we have been separated on two other occasions tempararily, yet had reconciled. Currently we are sperated for three months now. We are both afraid as have been in past relationships with others where we both have been hurt.

I had ended the realtionship in august as things were becoming "bizarre", I had wanted to talk, yet she was consumed in a friends seperation with her lover, using more substances,stressed out and i felt an emotional shift. I sensed a lot of avoidance, resentment, was unable to communicate with her on a non defensive level on both of our parts. We now still get together and talk, we have discussed reconciling, she wants to think about it, yet she has not said what her thoughts on it really are.

How do I approach this matter, or am I just stuck and not really letting go?

I truly do love her, we have been through many stressors, and many good times. How much time do I give for her answer? We have talked since this discussion on reconciling yet it has never been discussed.

[The Morrigan]

This really isn't something you can put a time limit on, IMO... I'd think the best you can do is do what you can to make sure you carry on doing things that make you feel like you're not just sitting waiting, really make sure you use the time as well to think on what YOU want from the relationship if you two decide to reconcile - especially since this is the third time. Try to think on how much of you wanting to get back together with her is based on what you think you can realistically work out - and what's the longing for the feeling of being together with her, since I doubt you want another breakup to result from this. Take care of yourself for a while, be good to yourself and put yourself first - sometimes a little selfishness is necessary when you're trying to figure out where to go from where you are.

 

And think about what you can do to make it easier (I don't say easy, since that doesn't happen) to move on if you or she conclude it's not possible to give this another shot. You don't have to be pessimistic - but do be as prepared as possible for whatever may come.

[mahlina]

In all honesty, once you break up, it's extremely difficult to repair that trust.

 

From her point of view, she could be having doubts because you chose to break up with her.

 

On your part, you love her, and can't let go.

 

it sounds like you guys are both confused of what you truly want. If you think about it, getting back together will not be the same like it did in the past.

 

I'm not saying that it won't work out, but I'm just saying that the 2nd time around, the situation is different.

 

Basically, it sounds like neither of you are ready yet, but both are still in love.

 

Perhaps, you guys need even more time apart to grow up. Maintaining contact will only prolong your ability to move on. You have a lot to learn from this experience, so that you can carry it onto future relationships.

 

It's not the end of the world, but this is your time to move on. Keep in touch once in a while. Maybe when you guys are more mature and have been through more trials in life, and truly know you want, you both will reunite the 2nd time around. By then, hopefully, attraction is still there, and the relationship will be even stronger than the first time around.