Coping

[grn]

My ex and I are best friends, I don't think I can put into words how close we are to each other. She comes to see me almost every week and we have a meal and watch DVD's and she often stays over. we sleep in the same bed (nothing happens tho) Just an indication of how close we have become.

We've thought about getting back together a few times but never quite have...because of this I've grown some romantic feelings back for her.

She's just started seeing a new guy, and I'm a bit gutted its not me.

So now I'm questioning if we can remain as close as we have been: she wants to continue as we have been cos we obviously mean a lot to each other as friends and I'd like to aswell. Distancing myself from her isn't really an option cos neither of us wants to loose the other. (We depend on each other greatly)

How can I possably cope seeing her so often and being so intimate when shes with someone else without gradually getting more and more jelous?

Dont think there's much I can do but grin and bare it, but your thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

[jettison]

One of the most fundamental components of romantic love is the idea that you could lose your partner. So, rather then lose this person, you do every kind of insane thing in the world to make sure that that doesn't happen.

 

Right now, she does not fear that she's going to lose you. She has shaped this friendship into something that makes her 100% comfortable, and thereforeeee, 100% devoid of sexual feelings toward you.

 

That's just the way it works, and you can't have it both ways with her right now. Either she loses you, or she REALLY thinks that she'll lose you for good, or you're "just friends". You pretty much have to choose, and there is very little middle ground.

 

The fact that she would date another man while being so emotionally intimate with you is telling. She simply doesn't see you like that right now. You're way too safe.

[BellaDonna]

we sleep in the same bed (nothing happens tho)

 

This goes beyond the typical boundaries of "friendship". Does she still do that while she is seeing another guy too?

 

I think the attachment you have with your ex will complicate and potentially hinder future relationships. At some point you will both need to let go. You're either together, or you're not. If you're not- then you shouldn't be sleeping in the same bed- for your own emotional health. It's messing with your mind too much.

 

I can almost guarentee you that any woman you meet in the future, no matter how confident, will be annoyed by the idea of you having such a close attachment to your ex, and especially if you are still sleeping in the same bed. I'm sure her new guy will not be a fan of it. Staying friends is one thing, but what you described in your post goes way beyond that.

So now I'm questioning if we can remain as close as we have been: she wants to continue as we have been

 

IMO, if it continues this way then it will prevent you from finding love elsewhere.

[grn]

I see what your saying. An outside perspective is so helpful.

I'm going on holiday for a month first week of january so when I return in Feb I should be able to start a clean slate with her without suddenly telling her I want to cool off a bit.

 

Thank you

[tiredofvampires]

I have been in EXACTLY the same situation are you, with the same sense of mutual interdependence and emotional intimacy, even down to the bed thing -- though it was, in our case, not sleeping but just cuddling and lying close.

 

We both loved and valued it, and the closeness, but as time went on, he needed that physical contact with me less and less, because hey -- he could get it elsewhere, too. This left me feeling very one-sided, and it led to a lot of resentment and jealousy. Also, since the new girl he was seeing was very insecure and jealous (she put a ban on him seeing me at all, because she felt threatened by the fact we had had such a close relationship), he wanted to honor her feelings more over time. Which is how it really should be (as Belladonna points out.) I realized he was naturally slipping from my grasp, and the one to hurt most from this evolution? Me.

 

As Belladonna says, it will be very hard to hide what is happening from her new guy, and I wonder how she's working around that. Even though I loved staying close with my ex at the time, it did make me feel uncomfortable that he was hiding things from her. His reasoning was, we are NOT doing anything like cheating and she didn't understand the nature of this. That was absolutely true. We were not even kissing on the mouth, or being sexual in any way, that was off limits. So it was more of like "puppy love" and something you'd do with a gay friend or guy friend you don't intend on getting with, but you are both touchy-feely. So I do believe he/we weren't cheating per se, but the idea of the fact she would have gone ballistic about it anyway tainted it for me.

 

So this can only go on so long before you start to experience diminishing returns. If I were you, I would start to wean yourself a bit, to protect your heart, before she does. It will give you more sense of control if you start to do this, because if she intends on getting serious with this guy, I guarantee it's going to happen anyway. This can't go on indefinitely, and yes, it will also retard your OWN healing from her (as it did with me) and not allow you to grieve and move on. Start with minimizing the bed/sleeping thing, cutting that out, that is a good place to start. I eventually had to pull way, way back from him to heal, as his new gf became a big part of his life. We are best friends now, and still rely on eachother, but it did have to go through a period of pulling apart before we could come back as pure friends with both of us on a level, which you are not right now.