whats wrong with me?

[wchollin]

I have been married for 33 years to a man that has been faithful, hard working. He's not romantic at all, even when he trys. I have never been taught to manage money, never was allowed to get a job when i was a teenager. Charlie has always been a good provider. I feel like i try hard to manage money responsibly then all of a sudden i got stupid and our finances suffer. I have suffered from depression for may years and i stuggle everyday to not give in to it. I feel i need help but in which direction? I seem to be a failure in everything and i dont know how long i can hang on. Charlie has threatened to leave me and he says he loves me but he cant trust me. For some reason i am afraid to be honest with him about our finances. Then it all blows up. I know its my fault but i get on the defensive side when he questions me. I dont want to loose him but it looks like this time i might. We have no children at home, but we have 8 grandchildren. And this week things have really been bad. We had a friend that commited a murder and then killed her self. We just couldnt believe she would that. Then i found out that my son ( married w/ 5 children is back on drugs ( meth ). Its like everything around me is falling apart. Should i just let charlie go? At least he can go forward with out me holding him back. Should i go ahead and file for divorce? That breaks my heart just thinking about it. I am a mess, right? Thank you wendy

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Wendy

 

I am sorry to see the difficulties your going through, you see the world gumbling around you, and feel helpless. out of control.

 

As for Charlie, it seems he should care more for your happiness, you seem to worry so much for his, but somehow I get the feeling that the reason your with him now, is because you feel trapped, you wouldnt know what to do out on your own. this is the stress your under.

 

Charlie doesnt care about your happiness, the romance is gone. and you have no trade skills so feel trapped. you feel responsable for the economic problems and take all the responsability for your budget problems, stop that! a marriage is a mutual partnership, you cannot take the blame, its not like you took the money and gambled it away or gave it to some TV preacher. (at least i hope you didnt).

 

Its about time you started looking out for yourself, it may be difficult but you need to look into taking a course in something that interest you, community colleges have adult educator courses on a very wide variety of things, look into it, not only will this possibly give you a trade if you ever need to do something on your own, it could be a hobby that keeps your mind off of things and can be fun.

 

You are not responsable for everything that happens in the world Wendy, your son is in that problem, but it was his choice, you are not responsable for those bad choices he made, that girl that commited that crime, that was her problem, dont take the world on your shoulders, its time to break the chains. let go of the fear. and stop being the Martyr.

 

PS.

 

next time you post, please do not use all CAPS.

[wchollin]

Ididnt gamble or give the money away. I was careless and because I changed jobs, it left me with only the income from me to be-00.00. I am a loan officer now that works strictly on commission. so I got a couple of payday loans to go into the account to help out till this loan closed I have been working on. but because I didnt tell him and when he found out at first I denied it. then I told him later in the day. so he felt again I was betraying his trust. He is really a good man. The loans are in his name but I was going to put my comission check in the account to get rid of them. I am just a person that I guess will always have to treated like a child, because I have no self control, and I dont know why. wendy

[Gilgamesh]

I dont know why you keep putting yourself down, its almost as if you have been convinced of these things, does Charlie say these things to you? who put you down so much that your totally convinced of it?

 

I see that you do have a job, and well that makes your situation better than i thought before.

 

again, stop being hard on yourself, you need to start thinking about you now, and being happy. you dont need to be in this kind of stress.

[MollyElise]

WChollin ~ I think that you are feeling overwhelmed and upset right now. Alot of things are buzzing in your head and nothing seems right. First off, it's all going to be OK! I understand you made a financial transaction that wasn't how you would normally handle your finances, and then hid it. I know and you know that you weren't trying to cause trouble, or do something bad, maybe it wasn't the best decision, but the good news is, it's only money, I think the more serious issue has to do with hiding so much information from your hubby. Why didn't you go to him when you realized that you needed more money? I think that is the root problem. Was it b/c you had spent some carelessly? You were afraid of his reaction? Or b/c you just don't know how to talk about or handle money? Whatever the reason is, focus on that, and trying to fix that. Goodluck hon!

[Princess777]

Hello,

 

I can understand your frustration and fear, and I agree with Gilgamesh in many ways.

I know you said your husband is not very romantic, that could be part of the problem... you are probably trying to make your own happiness in other ways, monetarily, since you are craving attention. Personally I think you should go to your husband and tell him that you are sorry that you lied about the loans. Tell him that you want to make things right with him and that you are just really stressed out lately. Tell him that you crave attention from him, you want to rekindle your romance, make dates with him, and the such. Apologize from the heart and look him in the eye. Take him by the hand and mean it.

Then, ask him if he would accompany you to a budgeting counselor. There are free budget counselors out there -- most churches offer them for free or for a donation. There are Consumer Credit Counseling services everywhere... they are free too. They will help you learn about how to pay your bills, help lower your interest rates, and help you budget better. With your job, I would suspect that you know something about that already, which is kind of confusing....(?) Anyway, the point is to #1 make sure you talk to your husband and apologize for lying, tell him it'll never happen again, and don't let it!!! If you see yourself getting into financial trouble, call him or talk to him and ask him what his opinion is. Don't give up just because you are experiencing bumps in the road of life.... I KNOW that you already have been through a lot with him....more than most of us here! You obviously are doing something right to have stayed married that long. Rekindle those loving feelings with him, earn his trust back and prove to him that you are serious. All this is, of course, if you want it! We can all tell you what to do but ultimately you need to decide what you want for your life. Make it happen!

[wchollin]

First of thank you for your attention on this matter, I have just become a lone officer with a mortgage company ad my training has mainly been processing a purchase ile and gathering information to submit to a lender. So I havent received any type of bdgeting classes or anythin on that matter.

[sisterlynch]

Don't take divorce so lightly. Charlie needs to help you stay motivated and committed, he hasn't done a good job in that area has he? what is the point of divorse? to punish yourself further for things that you cannot control? Why put you and the family through that sort of thing? I don't think that divorse is the answer to your situation, what else could you try to do instead? What would set you on the right course of action?