I still love him so much,and he's making me so confused!Help

[Michelle03]

Okay, this is real long and confusing, but someone please help me!!! I met the guy of my dreams, we dated with no problems for 10 months, then things got bad. We broke up for for 4 months, I saw other guys, but he didnt see any other girls. We got back together and were back together for 6 months, but he would always bring up the past break up and stuff. We broke up again and got back together again for a total of 2 years dating. Then he broke up with me because he thought I had cheated on him which I did not. We worked it out, but had not got back together yet, although we acted like we were together. Then about a month ago he got a job 11 hours away from where i live and moved. We were together alot before he left and he told me he loved me so much and he wanted to make it work and that I could come visit him and he cried so much and said we would find away to be with me. He never called me until last week, he said it would have been to hard for him, then he came into town 2 days ago and didnt even call me or see me. I talked to him tonite and asked him what was happening, why he hasnt called and I told him how I wanted to make it work, and he said he still loves me, but not in that way and that he can never go out with me again and he just wants to be friends, and that there is no chance we will ever get back together, he has that before, but this time hes being way more harsh about it. He said I can have his friendship or nothing, and we cant talk about us, or getting back together or any of that anymore. I dont get it!!!! Could he really be over me in a month or is he holding it in? I want to be with him sooo much and I want to make it work. I really believed what he said. He has never done his to me before, we have always got back together. Before he called me I sent him some letters telling him I love him and miss him and some pictures and stuff, now I don"t know what to do. I guess what I'm asking is I want to be with him, and dont want to let go, could he really be over me in a month after we were together for 2 years, and we were madly in love, and is there anyways I could get through to him and get him back besides telling him how I feel because he said he doesnt want to hear that, and he doesnt want to talk about our past, because we will never be a couple again. Is he over me, or could I win him back? I don't want to loose him!!! The best thing in my life was him? Why is he doing this? Whats going on with him?? Please help!!!

[haunted_butterfly_babe]

okay michelle u sound really upset bout this and u obviousley went through heaps to find some help, so if he still lives 11 hr's away u could go up and not leave until hes given u a yes or no answer! u guys were 2getha 4 ages and all of a suden he just dropped u on ur butt!? thats weird 4 a guy 2 do that, it is a long term relation ship u guys were in so maybe he couldnt take not seeing ne otha girls!?or even u! but give him a call or drop past his home and try as hard as u can 2 get him back!

i hope u guys work it all out and im sorry i wasnt more help. but good luck!!!

luv haunted_butterfly_babe

[Michelle03]

Thanx for your help, I thought about going up there, but he told me not to, and so does everyone else, I asked him for an honest answer and he said he just wants to be friends and we will probably never get back together, but I want to, should I just be his friend for now, and could he really be over me that fast? I dont want to give up.

[klw777]

I think you have to read back what you have written:

I talked to him tonite and asked him what was happening, why he hasnt called and I told him how I wanted to make it work, and he said he still loves me, but not in that way and that he can never go out with me again and he just wants to be friends, and that there is no chance we will ever get back together, he has that before, but this time hes being way more harsh about it.

 

He has obviously tried to put the hurt of your relationship behind him and thats what I think you should allow him to do. I dont doubt he still cares for you but it must also have been hard for him to make that break.

 

Let him get on with his life and you get on with yours, stay friends but thats all.

 

Sorry that you are hurting but you will hurt more if you chase someone who doesnt want you.

 

I really hope you work through it all x

[Michelle03]

It's just weird I guess. Right before he left he cryed and cryed that he wanted to be with me, but now, he doesnt. It's just so weird, he really made me believe that he loved me and that we would get back together, then all of a sudden Bang!! I only want to be friends? I just dont understand how u can love someone so much and then in a month, notwant them anymore. Do u think if i just be his friend, maybe someday we might get back together?

[kirsty]

I think thats quite likely although you can never tell.

 

He just sounds like someone making a fresh start and maybe when he has found himself a litle more then you can start to rbuild what you have but dont hold your breath and in the mean time live your life, you will seem mor attractive to him if you are out enjoying yourself x

[Michelle03]

Before he left, he told me that we would get back together and cried so much and we still had sex and stuff, now a month later, he doesn't want to and says we can only be friends, he wants to be alone, he wont talk about the past ans the stuff we did together or getting back together. Then he says he loves me but in a different way. He says hes not sexually attracted to me anymore, could he really be over me, or does he just want to try and forget because the past hurts, or because hes so far away? I really want to be with him again, should I try to just be his friend, and hope he will fall in love with me again for the person I was when he met me, not the person I was when we always fought, is that possible? Any suggestions on how to get him to be with me again?

[bdub]

Michelle,

 

Sadly, you can't make somebody want to be with you. However, you can influence how they feel about you. It sounds to me like this guy really cares about you, that is always nice to hear Sometimes in life, we feel like we are stuck in a situation that there is no good solution to. I believe that you both feel that way right now. Because he has moved so far away and because you two have fought in the past, he may believe that its best for you to just be friends.

 

I was in a similar situation 2 months ago. My gf said one night that she wanted to break up with me. I was totally unprepared for that. We had been dating for a year and a half at that point but I had to move home for the summer to get a job while she had to stay in the town where we both to go college. The weekend she broke up with me, she said that she didn't want to hurt me and that we needed to be friends. She was just about to start graduate school when all this was going on. Like an idiot, I pushed her to be back with me, but that just drove her further from me and now I believe she resents me. We haven't really spoken in 2 months. If I had to do it again, I would let her have some space. When people love their partner, they don't just "change their mind". He still cares for you, and that is obvious. Let him have some time to figure himself out. It may take longer than is comfortable for you. In that time, just be there as a friend, but don't push the relationship, he may end up resenting you, like my ex does me.

 

Good luck and Best Wishes

bdub

[vfunkera]

hey michelle!

 

i have to agree with almost everything bdub write, and ALL of what klw777 write. he has asked for space and u shud give it to him, otherwise it will be a bad sign for him. and the more u pin ur hopes on him, the less chance there will b that he will come back. so i wud say do stop the contact, but make sure u tell him u wil always b there for him as a friend.

 

he gave u signs b4 u called him, so its not like it came out of the blue. my guess is, when he went away, he had time to think about whether he shud get back with u or not, and looking at how many times u have tried, i think he thinks its best if u both try somewhere else. and maybe hes right. look how many times u 2 have been 2gether, and how long overall! there is more out there.

 

2 years? i dont think he wud have gotten over it just like that if u were as madly in love as u say u were. i think he is just trying to move on now, and this is what seems to be bothering u the most. if u start moving on, it will increase ur chances with him, and others, because it will heal u. i think the perfect example was one that u gave in ur post...

 

We broke up for for 4 months, I saw other guys, but he didnt see any other girls. We got back together

 

why did he come back? because u had moved on, or at least thats the impression u had given him. do that again. i cant guarentee that he will come back because this he really seems to be trying to move on, but i do know that it will give u another chance with anyone! not contacting will just benefit u to get to this stage because it will heal u and leave him wandering about u from time to time. 2 years is a long time! 8)

 

i wud also like to ask u why u think he came back to u. read that quote again. was it out of love or because he missed the beautiful person u r? or was it because he cudnt find anyone else, while u cud, so he just came runnin back to u as a kind of back up thing? if i was in ur postion i wud think about that point, and try to HONESTLY answer it. then again u were 'madly in love', and he is ur dream guy, so maybe im wrong.

 

i hope i helped, and that u know what u have to do. ur past shud be ur inspiration to get thru this. u stop contacting him and he will eventually want to know what ur up 2. thats all i can really say on ur situation.

good luck!

[Michelle03]

Thanxs so much for your response. It helps. Its just so hard not to call him. But I am doing it. I just worry that if I dont call he will loose interest in me, or forget about me. But then I also hope that maybe I wont seem so clingy and he will see me as the girl he met, the one he fell in love with. Then maybe he will want to get back together. I just wish there was a way of just being his friend, but at the same time keeping in his mind that I still love him and want to be with him, but I cant think of a way. I hope this no contact and frienship thing will work, I just hope he doesnt forget about me, I still really want to be with him. I dont understand why he would want to throw away all of the good times we had together, and how he can just not care anymore. He told me to call him later this week should I call? or no? He also told me to send him these pictures I have from when me and him went camping together. We have both said it was the most amazing time of our life. He wanted some new pictures of us for his house, should I send them or not? Also, why exactly is it that he doesnt want to talk about us, the things we did or the past? Is it because it hurts him and makes him reconsider his decision(that he is firm on) or does he just not care anymore? Any help or ideas would be great!! Thanxs also for all the responses already. This website is amazing!! and so are all u ppl tryin to help each other out!! Good for u!! BE PROUD!!!!

[bdub]

Michelle,

 

If he wants you to send him more pictures of you and him, and he wants you to call him next week, it doesn't seem like he will be forgetting about you anytime soon. And believe it or not, I'm sure this hurts him also. Probably not as much as it hurts you, but it still hurts. If it didn't hurt him to talk about your relationship, then he would probably be open to talking about it, but right now, it just hurts him too much.

 

As for the call and the pictures, do whatever will help you get past your relationship. I know that is not really what you want right now, but in the long run, it will give you the best chance for your future, whether it is with him or with somebody else.

 

If you think about it, he really holds all the control in the relationship right now. With his actions, he can make you extremely happy, or extremely sad, but you don't think that you have any kind of affect on his feelings. He is trying very hard not to allow you any kind of control over the situation. He shows no emotion about the relationship, even when you pour your heart out. You have to take back some of that control. Start by trying to distance yourself from him for a little while, until hearing his name or thinking about your past doesn't send you crying to your room. When you are at that point, start having some fun with friends, or start up a hobby or something. Anything to keep your mind occupied. This will cause you to be more emotionally stable. When you are ready and able to not be sad when you see him, let him see you having a good time. This will really shift the tides in your favor. Right now, he knows you are hurting, and as long as you are hurting, there is really no chance of losing you. He knows that you want nothing more than to be with him and that is safe for him. If you remove that safety net, he will have to re-evaluate the situation. He may start wanting to talk about the relationship a little more, resist the desire to dive headlong back into being all emotional again. Keep some distance emotionally. Let him know that you are emotionally stable without him, that he has lost control over your feelings. Don't be mean or cold, just know that you are strong enough to be alone. Take it VERY SLOWLY. Don't let him get back all of that control again or you might end up back where you are now.

 

Most likely, one of two things will happen. First, he may make a 180 and try to apologize to you and get back together. If this is the case, I strongly suggest that you make sure that you discuss the problems that led up to this break up. If you don't learn from the mistakes you made as a couple, you are bound to repeat them down the road. Second, he may just decide that he is happier without you as his GF. This may sound bad, but really it is no worse than where you are currently. If he does decide that, at least it won't be hurting you so much because you have gained some emotional separation. You will be farther down the path of recovering from your broken heart.

 

I'd say, given what you've said about your relationship, he is more likely to take the first option and will want to at least clear things up with you. Either way, gaining some emotional separation will benefit you greatly. It sort of goes against everything you have been feeling, but it is really best for you down the road. Think about it.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub