Acceptance

[bluestar]

I've been thinking alot about acceptance.

The very word made me shy away from the idea because its sounds like I'm going along with what has happened, or resigning myself to the effects of it in some way. Like saying "its ok that this has happened".

I don't think thats what it means.

To work on acceptance means to build strength in your life where there is suddenly a void. To take care where the has been destruction. To find peace where there has been chaos. To find the balance between being internalised and looking outside of yourself for answers and inspiriation.

It is really about healing. About empowering yourself where you have no power.

And the only way you can do that is to CHOOSE the situation. Not tolerate it, not be over the moon about it, and not resist it. But DECIDE TO CHOOSE IT and manage it.

Manage the effects the situation and get back in control.

That also encompasses the feelings of loss. You can manage the feelings of loss by being aware of them and know where you or someone else went wrong. Reminding yourself of what you did to try to remedy the situation and how, despite your best efforts or due to other circumstances, the situation did not resolve as you wished it to. If that is not sufficient, think about what else you could do to affect change in that area. Think about trying it, really consider it. Could you? If so you might want to. Or maybe youv'e tried it before? Know whatever you do it wouldn't change the outcome? Then your back to reminding yourself that, unfortunately despite your efforts, depite wanting a different outcome, you are going to choose to accept the one you have.

Does this make sense?

[istillluvu06]

Perfect sense......thanks for that, I'm having a hard time w/ acceptance. Thank you for giving me another way of looking at it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think it is always a matter of CHOOSING the situation. Sometimes situations are forced upon us by others. We didn't want what happened, we tried to prevent it from happening but the other person chose to conduct him or herself in a way that caused things to spiral out of control. So we get hurt. Acceptance is not at all saying that it is allright that this has happened. Acceptance is about saying "it happened and I am not pleased about that, but I will not dwell on it so that it negatively impacts my happiness, well-being and the other aspects of my life". Yes, sometimes you try everything and there is no change...sometimes change hinges on someone else pulling their weight and they just won't do it. If someone won't pull their weight, you have no choice but to let it go.

[bridgid8]

Beautifully put, bluestar. I agree that choosing acceptance is the first step.

[fivespot]

Reminding yourself of what you did to try to remedy the situation and how, despite your best efforts or due to other circumstances, the situation did not resolve as you wished it to.

 

This is the part of acceptance that I just can't...well, accept!

 

I can deal with the fact that she said she never loved me (ouch) but you can't force someone to feel what they don't.

 

I can deal with the fact that she didn't want to work things out anymore and that she didn't look at me as a boyfriend anymore.

 

But I had dreams...about a future with her. I told her I wanted to marry her. When she started to pull away, I honestly did everything under the sun to make her stay with me.

 

In the end, even though she wanted to be friends, I went NC. For the first week I took things rather well. Things with me and her had been deteriorating for quite some time and I was expecting this.

 

But the reality set in the next week. And even though she's gone and doesn't look at me in a romantic way, that's not so bad.

 

What is bad is that my dreams were crushed. A lifetime full of happiness with this woman conjured up in my brain was now impossible. And that's the hardest thing to accept.

 

It's hard to accept the fact you have no control. When you're passionate about something and it doesn't work out the way you want it to, with time you come to terms with it, but I don't think you every truly accept it. You tolerate it until it doesn't bother you anymore. And sometimes, it never stops bothering you.

[bluestar]

I feel your pain! Im really hurting too and in the thick of a break up.

I also had dreams and plans for the future with my ex. That is what people do when they are in love together. It is devestating when it then crumbles away. Especially if its one sided.

But if you can decide that you will choose to do what you can to get yourself through the loss of your dreams, and you will actively do what you can to make the situation better in any way possible, each day, week and month that passes, you will be in a stronger position. You have control over your own thoughts, and actions.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I feel your pain! Im really hurting too and in the thick of a break up.

I also had dreams and plans for the future with my ex. That is what people do when they are in love together. It is devestating when it then crumbles away. Especially if its one sided.

But if you can decide that you will choose to do what you can to get yourself through the loss of your dreams, and you will actively do what you can to make the situation better in any way possible, each day, week and month that passes, you will be in a stronger position. You have control over your own thoughts, and actions.

 

 

Well said!

[istillluvu06]

Thats what hurts the most, the future and plans you had together just crumble away, you feel like youve lost your life along with them.....That takes a very long time to accept. But we have to, we can't make anyone love us.

[bluestar]

I know......

Is it a matter of choosing to leave an element of curiosity and faith in the future? Its no longer pencilled in with hopes and dreams with someone else- its a blank canvas. Choose that that is ok, that you can find something positive in that. Your Joseph Campbell quote says it all.

[Nixee]

bluestar, I think you are right and very wise. I read your posts here and I agree.... but it is still so hard, isn't it? I think in my case, I just have layers of things to accept, and each one is a hurdle. So I can think that I am doing so well, and then something else comes along and makes me stumble.

 

I chose to accept that things were really over for good. I guess now it is a matter of accepting that the ties between us are truly severed. .... But how do you accept something when you aren't yet sure of it? Therein lies the rub: limbo. Not knowing exactly what it is that you have to accept.

 

But still, I thank you for you post. Such wise words are great to read. They bring a little calm and a little more center.

[istillluvu06]

Bluestar......Thats why I picked that quote cause I am still in the denial stage. I don't want to leave the old life behind, or the one that could have been. I miss my best friend the most.

[bluestar]

Ive been in limbo this whole break up. Although I ended it it wasnt what I actually wanted-I was sort of left no choice.

Its not what I want, but I accept that, at the moment, this is the choice with is the least harmful and most healthy for me. It is what I can work with. I can also choose to accept a level of uncertainty in my world for a while. That might bring other benifits.........

"Opportunity to find deeper powers in ourselves come when life seems most challenging" Joseph Campbell

[bluestar]

I know the bestfriend element is brutal. Who knows what the future might bring, but I know for me, being friends in a break up is way too painful. It would be fine if I wasn't attracted to that person anymore and didn't want to be with them. But while my emotions are so fraught, I'm best going cold turkey. Also, it will give me time to evaluate the situation with more perspective. I wonder how I will feel about being friends with someone who hurt me so very badly when I love them so dearly when I have healed and perhaps have forged new loves and friendships?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I know the bestfriend element is brutal. Who knows what the future might bring, but I know for me, being friends in a break up is way too painful. It would be fine if I wasn't attracted to that person anymore and didn't want to be with them. But while my emotions are so fraught, I'm best going cold turkey. Also, it will give me time to evaluate the situation with more perspective. I wonder how I will feel about being friends with someone who hurt me so very badly when I love them so dearly when I have healed and perhaps have forged new loves and friendships?[/QUOTE]

 

It is best not to think too far down the road. Just heal yourself. You never know what the future holds and how you will feel down the road. Just take it one day at a time and think about the other aspects in your life that are going well.

[fivespot]

You never know what the future holds and how you will feel down the road.

 

Well, that's the way the world works. None of us knows what's in store for us.

 

But in this case, I wish my future-self could come and visit me from the future and tell me, "just let go. She's gone and never coming back."

 

I think it would make the whole process easier because my main problem is I'm still holding on to hope. I'm hoping she sees the light someday and she realizes we were meant to be.

 

But I need to let go of that. And the future-self idea...well, it's nice. But the not-knowing adds zest to life, I guess. Well, life doesn't work like that so we all just have to deal with the not-knowing. Too bad

[deleted_x]

Very elegant post and thoughts on acceptance. Yes, it does make since, and I would like to congratulate you on having the strength and courage of sharing your new found views with others - it isn't always easy! Accepting a situation is a choice you have to make, sometimes the choice of acceptance is the Only choice you will be able to make in a situation - but even that little gives you power. It is not always easy, hell, its usually hard, especially when you feel like you couldn't change things for the better, but it is a crucial step in moving on.

 

 

 

Oooh, I know exactly what you mean, and honestly, it doesn't feel fair at all. But we have to remember, that each and every one of us is human. In a breakup, even if it doesn't seem fair, you have to keep the other persons feelings in mind. I have gone through one hard breakup in the past, and thats when I truly learned the meaning of acceptance and moving on, as well as how difficult they are. Not just a single lifetime of dreams being crushed, but several lifetimes, each more pleasant than the last. It's devastating, it really is, and sometimes, you will feel like no matter what, now that its over, you will never have something so grand as what you dreamt about.

 

 

 

Oooh big time ouch >.