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Hello all. Its taken alot to post this but i am at my wits end and need some advice on my situation.

Firstly some background. We met online around 10 months ago and chatted generally made eachother laugh and just well got on like a house on fire. The thing is she is/was married. She wasnt happy in the relationship and it took alot of soulsearching for me to take the relationship to the next level after we both realised (and this took months to say) that we really had fallen in love with eachother. We met for a long weekend (she lives in the states) and it was amazing like we had known eachother for years and it was just all so natural nothing forced. So time moved on she separated from her husband and we planned a two centre trip her visitng me and then me over there again in the space of 2 weeks. All went well she met my friends etc etc while here yet when I visit there I cannot meet her friends or her family and generally have to sneak around because she wont tell anyone about me.

so about a month ago I go out there for another weekend and its the same, sneaking around etc and I will be honest and say this really stressed me out and the weekend didnt go well at all.

So just before I left she said she needed a break to see what she was feeling etc and needed space, but not to decide who she wanted to be with as she knew it was me. I was upset but I did do that and gave her time, she was emailing me and i was responding, there were no phonecalls etc, (she said she was too busy, plus other reasons). So around a week and a bit ago I ask her in an email what her thoughts were at the moment, maybe she could share them with me. She told me she didnt know what her thoughts were etc. However she did call me again a few times and we chatted despite the fact i was really struggling on a personal level. Then at the end of last week she emails saying me she has been spending time with her ex, that she had invited him over etc etc. In that email she said she does want to be with me, spending time with him had again reinforced why he wasnt the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and that person was me. Now i will be honest and say that I was pretty upset that she hadnt told me what was really happening. I had asked her if that was what she was doing and she said no. So to cut to the point where we are now, I said that if this is really what she wants then i do need some sign of comitment that that is the case...maybe being honest about her relationship with me to other people, and that ok we should move on from the past months events and come up with something to make this work to achieve what we have both said we want. The problem is she wont. She says she cant think of anything we can do, she isnt prepared for a long time to be open about us, and that any visits would have to wait until that time. What should I do? I think she wants what she says, but after what happened during the time she said she wanted a 'break' is it wrong of me to ask for some sign of comitment from her while I wait for these things to happen? I asked her if she was thinking about filing for divorce but she said not until at least next year. I feel we are taking one step forwards yet two or three backwards. one moment i am feeling positive the next it just goes back to where it was...any thoughts or comments greatly appreciated.

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It seems to me she's being very secretive about what she's doing

with her x, and the fact that she didn't introduce you to anyone she

knows seems pretty fishy also. I'm sorry to say this but it seems to me

she was never truthfull with you about the situation with her husband.

And if she wants space now, it seems to me she considered you some

sort of fling. Now I could be wrong, Maybe she is just confused, but it

seems to me you just need to cut your losses and move on. If you

really do care about her though tell her that you want and deserve the truth about what's going on with her and the life she wants to keep you out of. Well I hope this helps you, I'm no expert or anything but it seems

to me she will hurt you in the end. good luck.

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From what you write, you seem to want an open, honest relationship with someone. Unfortunately, the woman you want this with doesn't seem ready for the same. She may be a wonderful person, but is in a messy period in her life right now and probably shouldn't be dating anybody... especially somebody who wants a committment.


It would be easier for you to back off and find someone with a little less baggage (we all have some baggage...but this is too much). If you still REALLY want to be with her, tell her to call you after the divorce is final. Maybe at that point she could truly date you rather than treat you like someone she's cheating on her husband with.

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Ok so an update and thanks for the replies.

She has said that she wants this to work and will work towards it happening. We have come up with a realistic plan (sounds dull but it allows us to focus) to make this happen. I still have some insecurities about some of the stuff she has done, but I want to fight for the relationship and make it work. If I didnt believe in it I would of done as some people suggested and walk away.

Good luck to all those out there in the same situation

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