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regretting it .v. embarrassed

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Well as some of you know a couple of weeks ago when walking home from the bar I work in , the guy I had liked for nearly a year made a move on me and we kissed and stuff...he wanted sex but I turned him down because I just didn't feel ready...I tried to tell him that it wasn't anything he had done wrong it was that I wanted to wait a little (I wanted to be sure in my own mind that he liked me and wasn't just a player).


Well since that time, I have seen him a couple of times come into the bar and his behaviour is really confusing me. The first time he came in was 3 days later and with his best friend in tow. In the past when he came in with his friend he didn't talk to me and hardly made eye contact - I don't know if that is because he is shy or embarrassed to speak with me in front of his friend or for some other reason. Anyway, he came in and was very quiet and again didnt talk to me, but when I served him drinks and stuff we had brief eye contact and he grinned at me a couple of times. I wanted to go over and check that everything was ok between us but I wasn't sure if he had told his friend what had happened so I thought it is best to just act casual and friendly and leave it until he came in alone.


Ever since then, he has come into the bar a few times but always with his friend in tow (yet before we kissed he used to come in alone and chat) and I can't work out where I stand with him. Last time he came in he was very quiet and moody, he sat at bar with his friend and didnt look in my direction once so I went over and tried to engage him in casual conversation and was telling him about my new job and he just didn't seem like he wanted to talk to me...so I gave up making small talk and carried on serving other customers. Yet when I talked with the other local guys who came in, he kept trying to join in the conversations. After I finished up working I went and sat at bar with a couple of the regular customers and chatted (the guy I like was playing pool with his friend) and had a few drinks. I got chatting to one of the regular guys who comes in (he's about 50) and was telling him about my new job and how it meant that after the next few weeks I wouldn't be working in the bar anymore at which point the guy I like jumps into the conversation and says 'but you'll still come in for birthdays, weddings etc won't you?' - yet when I had tried to have this conversation with him earlier he wouldn't even make eye contact and looked as bored as hell...then suddenly when I talk to someone else he is interested to know.


I know he is usually a fairly quiet and shy guy anyway, but what is with him? I haven't made any attempt to discuss what happened in public (I have kept it to myself) and I have treated him the same as I always have...so I can't figure out his behaviour at all. I now think that he has told his friend what happened because his friend has totally changed his behaviour towards me (he used to be cheeky and rude and now he is quite friendly and polite) and the last few times I have seen his friend watching me out of the corner of my eye.


Anyone got any idea what is happening here?



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Hi Painfully Shy !


It sounds like he is possibly still intersted. He certainly gets a bit jealous when you are talking to other people - and suddenly wants to talk as you know. The question is what would he hope to gain from being quite when you try to talk to him. Perhaps he's shy, but I don't know. Something doesn't quite add up.


I don't think that he would be put off by you not wanting to sleep with him. If he is put off by that, I would be forgetting about him. He has no interest in anything else if that is the case. However, since you have left your situation in limbo since you kissed, the lack of communication about the issue has given you a communication breakdown of sorts.


I guess that you need to take initiative if you want to get a result out of this. Otherwise, god only knows when he might talk to you about the two of you. If you are up for it, go right up to him and tell him you want to talk to him outside, inside, wherever...just away from the friends and everyone else - just the two of you. Ask him straight out if he is interested in going out for a few drinks with you, or to dinner or whatever. Something that involves you talking, and not something like the cinema where you sit in silence.


Short of taking some form of action that isn't straight out asking him to be your boyfriend, you may have to wait for him to try and take control of this situation.


Hope this helps you some,

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  • 2 weeks later...

Charmed - thanks for your input


Well since I started my new job I haven't been able to hang out as much in the bar which has been our point of contact...unfortunately so as yet haven't had an opportunity to approach him and ask him to speak in private.


I have seen him a couple of times since, on one occasion I walked into bar and found him acting very friendly with my ex-boyfriend to which he had never really spoken before - they were hanging out and playing pool together - my ex is really jealous and possessive so when I saw them together I almost panicked wondering what had been said. It took all my courage to walk over and say hi and to chat with them casually, well I still don't know what to make of his behaviour..on that occasion he chatted ok but spent most of the time making jokey comments about me and looking like he couldn't wait to escape.


Later on that evening a group of us agreed to play pool together girls versus boys, so a friend of mine teamed up with me and challenged my ex-boyf to a game of pool and told him to go find a partner. Well he went straight and asked the guy I like to be his partner and this guy said no he didn't want to play - yet he had quite happily played all night against my ex-boyfriend! I thought to myself 'ok stay calm maybe your just being paranoid that he doesn't want to hang out around you' but then his best friend turned to him and said 'I know you, I know why you don't want to play' and as he did so I caught them both look at me. By which time I'm thinking 'ok this is him blowing me out basically' so we went off to play pool with his best friend instead. Well you can't make someone like you so I thought fair enough he doesn't want to know I'll just leave it.


But then later on that evening when I walked past him alone on my way to the bathroom I could see him watching me walk past and he made some jokey comment about how bad I was at playing pool and grinned. This confused me because earlier in night he seemed like he didn't want a conversation and here was trying to get my attention.


Then I saw him yesterday, again in bar with his friend turned up when it was my shift (maybe coincidental) but he wouldn't even make eye contact and the atmosphere seemed really tense and negative - well thats the vibe I felt. At one point he complained about one of the drinks his mate had, so I offered his friend a replacement - his friend was fine perfectly polite and friendly - but he was very abrupt and moody and I don't know why.


I haven't done anything wrong in my opinion so I don't know why he seems to be so angry at me..I have made attempts to keep channels of communication open by being friendly to him but he swings from not even making eye contact or conversation, to jumping on every comment I make as if its a personal criticism of him... Its making a really unpleasant atmosphere.


I'm hoping at some point I will get an opportunity to speak with him without his best friend hanging about, and say to him that i have detected negative vibes and apologise for whatever it is I have done that has made him angry at me...but I honestly can't think what I have done to make him act like this with me

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