we're growing farther apart...all because of a lie

[alicat216]

I have been seeing this great guy, Dan, for four or five months. From the beginning, we agreed that things wouldn't get serious; we'd be slightly more than friends with benefits. Things were going great for a while, and even when I moved into his apartment for a few weeks as I was finding myself a new apartment, we were fine. Until about a month ago, we hadn't even had so much as a disagreement. We both new that eventually we'd become an official couple, but we didn't want to rush it and we knew that being good friends first was the healthiest and most likely to succeed dating option. Then, one night, everything fell apart. My friend and I went over to this guy she was interested in seeing's house to watch football. I got drunk and blacked out, and apparently had sex with some guy named James. When I found out what really happened the next day, I was furious, and felt truly violated, to the point where I almost considered it a rape. I told Dan what happened, and he was pissed. Really, really pissed. I didn't blame him, and I quit getting drunk because of it. He cooled off and forgave me a few days later, but it seemed like every weekend we had another quarrel. He became really shady; he wouldn't call me anymore, and when I'd call him and we'd decide to go out and do something (like see a movie), he'd turn off his phone and just go to bed instead. We've been drifting apart for about a month, but now something's come up that I think has completely destroyed our relationship, and it's all a lie. Dan's best friend, Eric, is also one of my really good friends. He's the father of my friend Tiffany's babies, and he's dated all of my best friends. I have never done anything sexual with him, and I have never considered it because of these facts. I was at a kegger on Tuesday night, though, and I called up all my friends to come out and party with me, and Eric came, but Dan didn't. Most of my friends had classes the following day or had to work, so they didn't come either. Again, nothing happened whatsoever between Eric and me. Yesterday, Dan's sister, Emily, who is also Eric's most recent ex girlfriend and one of my closest friends, called me up, yelling at me for sleeping with her brother AND her ex boyfriend. I just stood there in confusion; I'd never slept with Eric, I'd never done ANYTHING with him. Well apparently everyone in our crew has heard this rumor, including Dan, and while I'm convincing most of them that it's not true, Dan won't talk to me at all. He refuses to listen to what I say; he rejects all my phone calls or just hangs up on me when I call from a different number. I have developed relatively strong feelings for him, and while I still don't want a serious relationship, I DO want what we had before all this BS blew up. How do I convince him to talk to me, and how do I get him to believe that I'm telling the truth???

[routerx]

I wouldn't focus too much on trying to convince him. If you have a solid reputation, then he isn't being very considerate by not finding out the truth from you.

That being said, is there more to the story? Usually one lie won't tear a girl's reputation down with a guy. So, my guess is that your "blackout experience" may have tainted the whole situation with this guy because now that is 2 strikes of "reported" sexual conduct by you. Not sure if there are any others, but a good girl with a good rep doesn't get sunk by one lie, or even two, so either there is more to the story or this guy isn't very good at fact finding (i.e. coming to you to find the truth).

So, my suggestion is to re-evaluate if you have put yourself in some shady situations that could be tainting your reputation with him. Then re-evaluate the crowd you are hanging out with. Finally, just tell him, hey pal, I'm a good girl... if you don't think so, your loss.

Good to see that you are working things out and are concerned. Just keep asking questions until you find safe ground.

Good luck.