Vent

[sunshine13]

I have never really struggled with depression before.

There have been times where I felt like I was. . .after a break up or loss of a loved one. . . but not full blown depression.

I can't really understand what's going on right now.

I am 30 years old. I have a college degree, family is ok (a little screwed up), great friends, great job, from what I am told I am not lacking in the looks department. I have a wonderful social life. . . the BOOM

I am so depressed right now it is sickening.

Thoughts of suicide go through my brain at least 10 times a day. I own my home and don't have many visitors. I figure that I could go out in the back shed, put a shot gun in my mouth and nobody would even know for days.

I just feel like I have nothing anymore. The guy I was dating I had to dump b/c he was still mixed up with his ex and they ended up getting back together. But that cannot be the reason for this!! We didn't even date that long!!!! Both of my parents are very sick and I am constantly having to take care of them and doing things for them. I don't feel close to anyone. I just feel ALONE regardless how many people I talk to or are around me everyday.

I feel like I am going to be old and alone with these miserable feelings every day for the rest of my life and I don't want to live like that.

There are times when I am at work and have to get up and leave to go cry. Although I know everyone around me are extremely supportive I don't even want to talk to anyone about how I feel.

I have been going to work, the gym and out with friends like I usually do but NOTHING is making me happy.

Lately I have been taking ambien at 8:00 at night just so I can go to bed and not have to think anymore. . . then it starts all over again!

I really just think that I am extremely lonely. All I wanted at this age is to be married and have at least one child. I am 30 years old an I can't even have that!!!!!!! I am so upset that I am literally sick to my stomach!!!

How do I deal?

[ftheunion]

Well I'll take a shot at this. I type the same type of stuff a lot cause not all users will see it.

 

Evolution puts us here, then takes us off of the face of the earth again. Poeple can't expect to ever be in a relationship, cause some people die alone, or are alone most of their lives.

 

You are not in as bad of a situation as you think or at least compared to others. You might consider a live in person or some kind of caregiver to help with your parents.

 

Maybe take philosophy at a college just for the heck of it. It is hardcore stuff and might help. Keep socializing like crazy. Maybe get a lifted truck and blast death metal out into the atmosphere:

 

Visceral Bleeding

Spawn of Possession

Dying Fetus

Incantation

Krisiun

Misery Index

 

Suicede is not really an option for you, and I argue this because if you no longer have conscioussness, and go into eternal slumber, then there is no future opportunity for good type stuff. I just don't see the point. Sorry that you suffer so.........If I was wherever you are I could give you a hug, but that is aside the point.

 

Who cares how long it would take them to find you. It doesn't matter. A big empty house wouldn't help, but maybe decorate it or have parties there since your social life is the BOOM or however you mean it.

 

How has your love life been? Maybe try e-Harmony? You ain't got anything to lose, and could only maybe gain stuff from it. Also go for hikes, it clears you mind cause you can't feel sad after you reach the top of a mountain, just too tiring. If you have acommpanyment that would be good.

 

Good Luck.

[CrazyKing]

It just seems that you're the one who's thinking about suicide - It's the dark part of you that's trying to take control of you, it whispers such awful things in your ear... Don't let em' tear you down...