istillluvu06 Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 Hello all, I respect everyones opinions on here very much so I have a question that bothers me alot, It's also a question my ex has asked me but I never could answer it straight. If you really love someone how can you hurt them over and over? Try to be better one day and then go back to the things that aren't working? I'm not talking about cheating here or anything. If you were to read my previous posts you will see all our problems were based on my insecurity issues etc. Just wanna know why that scenario seems true that you always hurt the one you love? Doesn't seem right. Also do you think it's possible to start completely over with an ex as friends and go from there? Let nature take it's course, provided the problems of the past are not being brought up and are being worked on by the offending party? Has anyone ever been able to do this? Any opinions?? Thanks! Link to comment
Lana0120 Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 I think you could start over, but it would only work if there was a long break and one of you has changed. Otherwise, history would keep repeating itself. If you continually hurt someone it's because of bad communication, lack of consideration, or because you're just not compatible, e.g. the classic 'I want to talk when I am upset, but he wants to be alone, what did I do wrong, why doesn't he want to be with me?' So people feel hurt, even when the other person didn't intend to hurt them at all, they were just being themselves. So, unless something was VERY different, I'd say no, it's not going to work out. Or rather... it may work out for a while and then you'll break up again. Link to comment
beanpaper Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 I think to some degree it's self-absorption that causes this problem. Sometimes we are so self=involved that it's hard to even step outside ourselves. It's also true that people are the nastiest to the people they love the most. It has to do with feeling safe, I believe. My daughter does this somewhat. She's just a baby but although she spends most of her time with me and I am her main caregiver, she acts out the most with me and things become battles of will... It's a lot easier for her dad to put her to sleep or change her, for example... I think this is because she feels safe with me and trusts me. She knows that as much as she kicks me I will still be there to care for her. Why she has to kick at all, I don't know the answer to that. Simple immaturity, I suppose. I can resign myself to that in my children but in a partner no one should have to assume that parent role. Link to comment
someguy88 Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 If you really love someone how can you hurt them over and over? Try to be better one day and then go back to the things that aren't working? Well, I was emotionally abusive to a girl that I loved and I didn't even recognize my abusiveness until 3 years after we'd broken up. I didn't even realize what I was doing at the time (or at least that's what I tell myself). For me, I was too focused on 'having' the one I loved rather than loving the one I loved. , Unfortunately, people don't change at the flick of a switch, so I have to agree with Lana0210 that a long separation to reflect is necessary. Even more unfortunate is that even after a long time apart some people will never see the err in their ways. Link to comment
phwfbd55 Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 if somone wants to change, or make adjustments to bad habits, it take a lot of thought on there part, and the have to constently remind themselves to do it....with that, if the person dosent know what those bad habits are, because of poor communication, then they cant make adjustments. we cant change who we are, but can make adjustments to bad/annoying habits Link to comment
istillluvu06 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Share Posted September 23, 2007 I guess it just bothers me, cause my ex always questioned my love because of all the problems that I put on him (my insecurities) But I loved him more than anybody in this world. There's no excuse to hurt someone you love but I was just trying to get some insight as to why. My ex loved me very very much more than anybody has and I think somehow I thought he could handle half the things, some things I did'nt even realize as they became a habit. I did alot of damage to him and to us, and I'm hoping someday we can reconcile. I have a long road ahead of me and realize I need to let go of the past. That had been my downfall. SOMEGUY88 did you ever get back with your ex? and did you address and fix your issues? so they did'nt happen again? Link to comment
phwfbd55 Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 let me ask you a wuestion, what is itthat makes you so insecure.....what are your fears Link to comment
istillluvu06 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Share Posted September 23, 2007 alot of my crapp is from my past like childhood, and previous marriage and pretty much every guy I've been with cheated on me. So basically I finally find one that did'nt and treated me like gold and it scared me to death, constant worry he will abandon me etc. It turned me into someone who I don't like very much!! You would think that if you have something good you would treat them pefect, I was a paranoid mess. I regret so much cause it wasn't how I felt about him at all Link to comment
phwfbd55 Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 ok, HERE WE GO.....my situation is you are my ex-to the tee rough childhood, sexually abusive ex-husband, dated another guy she though she was gonna marry (LDR) he just vanished, we met and onday his wife called...so she has the same issues...i do treat her, not like gold, but PLATINUM. i believe it really freaked her out....she has told me she has never had a guy treat her the way i do...... WELL, this is somethng you ARE GONNA HAVE TO WORK ON, or you will either end up in another bad relationship/marriage. then you will ALWAYS wonder why did i treat theman who respected me, and treated me like GOLD, why did i treat him like crap you are letting your past dictate your future....the past is gone...its a new day look deep inside yourself and aske u if you want to be treated llike gold or crap. you know, no one like s crap, ITS STINKS, and PROLLY taste bad, but if you take little bites of it you will get used to itand then youlike it, cause its all you know. to hell with that.....dosent gold look better on you????? or is ity a case of you two got along so well that it got boring to you, cause there was no DRAMA.....and with no DRAMA you think something is wrong? Link to comment
Ripples Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 Hi, Ultimatley any abuse is about control. Abusing the one you love is about controlling the situation ie "im in charge". Love comes in many different forms and there are some who say it can be a form of abuse. For example "I love you so thereforeeee you must love me". People genuinely believe this and cant understand when love is not reciprocated. Your abandonment issues are born out of previous pains. It is quite normal to feel like this but it does mean that you will want to control future relationships more in case you get hurt again. Unfortunately this actually is not right. The problem is that you keep selcting the wrong partner and you need to find out why that is. Link to comment
Dazla Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 Love hurts......Life hurts. True Love is quite possibly the hardest thing to achieve in life some people never achieve it Its not all plain sailing! Link to comment
Optigan Posted September 23, 2007 Share Posted September 23, 2007 We hurt the ones we love because they care and we're not perfect, and our love for them, however great, is not perfect. Friends? Don't know about that one. Link to comment
istillluvu06 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Share Posted September 23, 2007 Thanks for all your feedback. This is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through in my life, and I truly want to put an end to it for good!!!!! I feel so cheated, because I cheated myself out of the life I always wanted but never thought was REALLY possible. It's ironic cause before I met him I prayed to God to send me the love of my life. I never thought all this would happen as a result. I realize I need to get rid of the past, it will only hurt me and bring me down again. GOTTA GO!!!! Too negative and is counter productive to me and those around me. I wish so much to have a chance to show him what he REALLY means to me, and to reciprocate 150% all that he has shown and given to me. I made him feel bad about himself through all of this. Time is all I have and a I have to have and I am going to have to have a tremendous amount of courage and strength on my part. Link to comment
istillluvu06 Posted September 24, 2007 Author Share Posted September 24, 2007 I can identify completely with that. It is like an addiction, needs alot of hard work to fix, but admittimg it is the hardest part. I wonder if your friends wife was like that before he married her or she became that way after? Link to comment
distantlove Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 She became like that because of a pretty bad relationship/marriage before they got together. It's just something she carried over. Link to comment
someguy88 Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 SOMEGUY88 did you ever get back with your ex? and did you address and fix your issues? so they didn't happen again? Yes I fixed most of my issues, but it's an ongoing process even after 10 years. The thing is that I didn't really change until I was over her which took a couple of years for me. I think you really have to want change for yourself first and foremost. No I never did get back with her. Link to comment
Soulhi123 Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 I realized my errors and my ex's in my 3 week in hell trip. (I dont recommend it but the soul searching was delightful) Though I dont think we will ever hit it up again, at least I know it was because since my ex was a rebound of my first love ever I took the baggages from that into this one which explained my bad behavior at times. I was also her rebound and lots of our fights in the beginning was because of all the baggage we brought in. Starting over sounds great and I do think it is possible, but in a demanding world it is very hard. I think the saying is true because when you love someone you show a side you never show to anyone, so because its never out on the table you never work or reflect on it. However when your in pain and just constantly think of the relationship you do have the chance to see and learn. I think thats why you hurt the one you love because problems are there but unfortuntly you have to work through these....oh crap...i realize my errors and now i feel bad about my recent break up now.haha...she really was a great/good girl...i wish i was prepared and ready..i think i just lost the only special fish that loved me that much.... Link to comment
TijuanaJones Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 I don't think that I could be friends with someone I loved. Maybe only after years have passed by, or if I fall in love with someone else... My ex suggested that we be friends. I said OK, but that was it for me. I never talked to her again. She called me months after, we started going out again... we talked... and next friday she is supposed to give me an answer about trying it again... But it took us 9 months of being apart to get to this stage. In that time I healed, got stronger, and only then we could see each other in a different light. It's hard to know what's best for you with the turmoil of emotions running thru your head... time makes it all good Link to comment
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