My longtime g/f is gone...my fault...I want to fix things...

[surfdog]

Long story short...(me 31yo her 27yo) g/f of 4yrs solid and then on/off for a few months recently...so almost 5) , both of us very much in love want to get married and planned it (I was her prince and her my princess…best friends)…I had an issue…lack of trust/self esteem (kept pushing her away…I started therapy to fix it…she was supportive)…I would over react to any misunderstanding and accuse her of lying (over big stuff and small stuff…small break ups here and there)…on the other hand I showed her much love…(rollercoaster ride…up & down relationship…very, very loving…then arguing…she stayed because she had faith/love in me (I was still her prince)…finally a big breakup after another misunderstanding…8 months apart…I worked on the issue a lot and felt great… I surprise her and at work and we talked after (shows me her new place, we have dinner…that was in June)…we start going out as friends to start with hopes for a future…we meet a bunch of times and talked on the phone…I fu@ked up on the phone one night and said something stupid (an accusation against her…she doesn't say anything about it…yet)…a week later she tells me she was VERY disappointed and if I had caught myself and apologized it would have showed improvement (I can't believe I did it!!)…we still meet a week later…during dinner I innocently questioned something she said and she got upset…that was IT!(I think she overreacted this time but I can't blame her since I conditioned her to be that way)…we get outside...she tells me it can't work...she can't go back, too much history…it over (not even friends)…she still says she wants me in her life…not sure where I fit in though…gives me her new address… that was 4 weeks ago…I wait about 3 wks…I go to here work last week to talk...she doesn't want to talk…"nothing to talk about…no future for us…sick of wasting time"…I don't bug her (that's bad) but I want to fix this…I know I'm better…I fixed myself…The last two times were a fluke…I STILL LOVE HER…I know she cares about me…but I hurt her and she is scared…I think I lost her…has she matured and cut her loses…what should I do? I can't believe I screwed up like this…! I can make us happy…I know I can...I have matured A LOT and I know I was wrong...I just need one more chance.

[kamurj]

Dude, you sound so much like me. I wish I had the answers, then I would be able to fix my situation to. I have done the same things and driven away my wife of 13 years. Recently I have also made some huge mistakes and I think it is finally over. the only thing I can say is that time will tell. You have to back off and give her some space, if it was ment to be it will be, but it takes time. We both seam to need to think before we act. I guess its a guy thing that causes us to do things that we don't really mean. I know its hard and it hurts but give it time and if it was ment to be it will work out.

 

Now if I can take my own advice.......

[surfdog]

One more thing...we always talked about marrige and recently at dinner last month before she left she said "In the ideal world we'd be married by now but its not the ideal world."

[reinvented21]

Long story short...(me 31yo her 27yo) g/f of 4yrs solid and then on/off for a few months recently...so almost 5) , both of us very much in love want to get married and planned it (I was her prince and her my princess…best friends)…I had an issue…lack of trust/self esteem (kept pushing her away…I started therapy to fix it…she was supportive)…I would over react to any misunderstanding and accuse her of lying (over big stuff and small stuff…small break ups here and there)…on the other hand I showed her much love…(rollercoaster ride…up & down relationship…very, very loving…then arguing…she stayed because she had faith/love in me (I was still her prince)…finally a big breakup after another misunderstanding…8 months apart…I worked on the issue a lot and felt great… I surprise her and at work and we talked after (shows me her new place, we have dinner…that was in June)…we start going out as friends to start with hopes for a future…we meet a bunch of times and talked on the phone…I fu@ked up on the phone one night and said something stupid (an accusation against her…she doesn't say anything about it…yet)…a week later she tells me she was VERY disappointed and if I had caught myself and apologized it would have showed improvement (I can't believe I did it!!)…we still meet a week later…during dinner I innocently questioned something she said and she got upset…that was IT!(I think she overreacted this time but I can't blame her since I conditioned her to be that way)…we get outside...she tells me it can't work...she can't go back, too much history…it over (not even friends)…she still says she wants me in her life…not sure where I fit in though…gives me her new address… that was 4 weeks ago…I wait about 3 wks…I go to here work last week to talk...she doesn't want to talk…"nothing to talk about…no future for us…sick of wasting time"…I don't bug her (that's bad) but I want to fix this…I know I'm better…I fixed myself…The last two times were a fluke…I STILL LOVE HER…I know she cares about me…but I hurt her and she is scared…I think I lost her…has she matured and cut her loses…what should I do? I can't believe I screwed up like this…! I can make us happy…I know I can...I have matured A LOT and I know I was wrong...I just need one more chance.

 

 

Hello my friend,

 

I have been in youre shoes before. Well I'm really sad to hear about youre situation. You have an ace in youre pocket, it is the amount of time that you were together. 4 or five years is an extremely long time to be in a relationship. I doubt she is going to forget about you very quickly. So lets examine youre situation further. What is one of the biggest killers in a relationship? Its not communication, thats too superficial. It is a lack of self confidence, self respect, and a strong sense of healthy self worth. What attracts women to us....Confidence. Through healthy confidence good communication will occur. Through self confidence negative emotions like jealousy will be erased. Through self confidence/self esteem you will become a challenge. Women like guys who are a challenge. Women like guys who are confident. They dont like guys who are weak, lack confidence, are jealous, etc. So what can guys like us do to improve our self confidence? There are tons of things we can do. We can go to a gym and workout. Working out releases natural endorphins which will make you feel better about youreself and about the world in general. It will help you to feel happier. Go to therapy. This is a big one. I'm so glad to hear that you chose to do this. Alot of times issues from our past cause wounds that are impossible to heal without wounds. What happens next is that those wounds carry over into our relationships. They corrode our relationships until they fall apart. Hopefully you and youre therapist our working on youre jealousy issues and youre confidence issues. How else do you increase youre confidence? Hold youre head up high. Any time you start to slouch, gently pull youre shoulders back. Go out and do volunteer work. When you volunteer you naturally increase youre sense of self worth, because you see that other people need you. Examine closely what may be missing in youre life. If you have no friends, do youre best to make some. If you have no hobbies, go out and get some. Learn and learn some more! Often times humans are fearful because they are ignorant. Learn more about relationships by reading about how to cultivate healthy ones. Read up on to communicate youre needs better. Read books on self esteem. Read books that can help ease some of youre jealousy. Learn new things in the world. Learn how to conquer youre anxietys and fears. Cultivate integrity. If you are a lier, examine why you lie and figure out how to eradicate that negative habit. Honesty is important in relationships. And while I am on the topic of honesty,if you were completely honest with yourself you would know that youre ex has put up with alot. If you were honest with youreself you would know that you have put up with alot. So the question is now what? Now is chance to change for good. If possible let youre ex know that you are changing for good, and then you have to LET HER GO. She told you how she felt now respect it. Sometimes when you let someone go they come back to you. But it cant happen now, you are not thinking clearly, and neither is she. You need to continue working on youre issues. You need stop contacting her, she ended it with you, if she misses you enough she will be back. I think that you want a couple of things. First I think that you want youre ex back. Well in order to do that you need to change. Second I think you want to be happy. Well, the bottom line is that you need to clean up youre act, unfortunately it is going to be without her. Now here is youre worst case scenerio if you work on youre issues....youre ex never comes back. Well, that would be unfortunate, however, you would find authentic happiness, lasting confidence, and sense of wholeness that no other human being can give you. The best scenerio is that you work on youreself, and youre ex misses you enough and wants you back. Dont force things in life and always remember that things happen for a reason.

 

I wish you the best of luck in these tough times.

Believe in yourself and you will change for good.

Believe in youreself and youre view of life will change.

Have faith, things always turn out for the best!!!!

 

Creat a great day.

[diverp]

Reading your post, I almost thought it was me and my recent ex you were taling about. We had been together for a couple of years and the last 6 months had been very on again off again (couple weeks on, couple of weeks off). One time I would really miss her and go back with her (and she always wanted to be back). Then a few weeks would go by and either she would get distant because I was getting closed off for her or I would simply do dumb things like always trying to be right. I would see her upset about something and always assume it was something I had done. We would be quiet for an evening and absolutely nothing would be wrong, but because we were quiet, it was misconstrued by both of us that something was wrong. I had a big problem with always assuming her moods were my cause.

 

 

We were engaged at one point until we had a blow up. I was upset that she was getting distant from me when I was more likely the one who was getting distant. Finally, a month ago, we broke up and she is in getting some therapy and doesn't want contact for a while, while she "heals" (she had a bad upbringing and has issues with men). But I really saw that I have major problems communicating and using assumptions way too often. I have started seeing a therapist and she is helping me see how it is fairly normal for guys to do this, assumptions and communications problems. I am learning to simply ask when I think something is bothering a mate. I have learned that my old response was to distance myself from conflict thinking it would make things better. However, it just made things much worse.

 

ANyways, I am getting over the infatuation of the relationship since we have been apart for a month, however, I still love her deeply and would do anything to have her back. The toughest thing to do is to sit back and wait. However, from what I have heard and read (and from what is starting to make sense to me), time is a good buffer. It gives both a chace to do something about the issues they have. It allows the pains from the relationship to subside and it gives you a chance to go back (hopefully) and start over. I am hoping to approach my "2nd" chance, if I get one, as if we had just met. I will try to treat her like we had just met and try to get the newness of the relationship back and re-learn good relationship habits. I hope that will work for me. I do remember that before, I would want to be with her so badly, then when we got back we would start arguing after a couple of weeks again. We love each other, but we both have issues and we are both stubborn and competative and I don't think either one of us has actually been in a relationship where the other was that way.

 

In your case, I can only think that a little time will help. It gives you both a chance to work on things. She wanted to be back with you before after time and that is because there is something about you that she really wants in a relationship. YOu just have to figure out how to work with the "bad" things in the relationship. Nobody just gets over an ex if there was truly love there before, I don't care what they say. They may try to say they are over an ex, but I think (if it was a long term, loving relationship) that they are only saying that as a protective resonse. It hurts to be away from someone you love (for whatever reason). If the love was there before, it will always be there to some extent and the only way to get it back is to earn it. Getting your foot in the door, taking it slowly, waiting for time to heal the bad memories and the like.

 

Hope that helps a little

[kamurj]

Ok I already posted but after reading what was written by reinvented21 I have to say it makes alot of sense and helps me in my situation. Thank you

[surfdog]

Hi,

Thanks for the responses, they help. I just can't help feel bad for what I put her through...I broke her heart and now I feel I can make her happy again but she is breaking my heart by pulling away and saying she is moving on...I CAN DO IT!