perfect guy...not so perfect chemistry

[salsabrosa]

I've been in a long-distance relationship with a man for almost 4 years...he loves me to death, has got a heart of gold, we have great communication, can resolve our problems, i confide in him about everything and anything, treats me like a princess, we have similar interests, very smart, you get the picture.

 

There is one BUT...i feel like there's a spark missing between us..the chemistry was never right.. I always had my doubts about this but had a tendency to push them away and tell myself the doubts were normal and they would go away. But on his last visit to see me, I got a huge gut feeling about it...I wondered if my love for him was that of best-friends. I hate the thought of hurting him. I have communicated my feelings to him and he is being understanding and is trying everything he can to make things better. I've also done a lot of growing up in the 4 years we've been in our relationship which could be part of the reason I have possibly fallen out of love.

 

I live very passionately...he's more laid back, which actually helps balance me...but sometimes i feel like i need someone to share the passion and excitement of life with me...Im not saying my bf doesnt feel these things. he just doesn't necessarily externalize these feelings.

 

He's a shy person and in my life relationships in general, I am usually drawn to more extroverted people because I tend to be an introvert.

 

I guess there are more PROS about him than CONS...but are the CONS worth ending the relationship?? I keep feeling so awful about leaving this great guy...I second-guess myself all the time. We were in it for marriage...im not sure what has happened along the way.

 

Is there any advice anyone can offer?

[Frangipani]

Without chemistry (which includes passion, respect, feeling safe, having fun and being attracted sexually) it can't work well. Most things can be overcome if you have chemistry - even a lack of similar interests, but without chemistry...it can't last.

 

I read a great book all about this the other week. I'll try and find it for you.

[redrose85]

salsabrosa- I have been having the same feelings. I can't find where to PM you for whatever reason, so can you PM me plz?

[salsabrosa]

Hi redrose85, the forums do not allow me to PM you. you can email me at iamapowerpuffgirl [at] hotmail [dot] com.

[summerpeach]

Without chemistry (which includes passion, respect, feeling safe, having fun and being attracted sexually) it can't work well. Most things can be overcome if you have chemistry - even a lack of similar interests, but without chemistry...it can't last.

 

I read a great book all about this the other week. I'll try and find it for you.

 

I need to correct you. Chemsitry does not include respect, feeling safe and having fun. You can have these things with people you have no passion for. It's called a friend.

Sexual chemistry is very important in a good relationship.

I too have little sexual chemistry with my guy. He is also a great person and we have a blast together and love doing all the same things, yet there is that something missing.

I chalk it up to he; sinto me more than I am into him. If I had to chase him, I bet my chemistry would go wild!

Women are odd that way, we are not that into a guy we know we can have at any time. The best chemistry I had with men were the bad boys.

Don't give up on this just yet. Finding a trusting, good honest person for a relationship is rare.

[servedcold]

Third party in the picture by chance? Just wondering why you stayed in a relationship for so long when the chemistry wasn't there from the start as you say...

[salsabrosa]

Third party in the picture by chance? Just wondering why you stayed in a relationship for so long when the chemistry wasn't there from the start as you say...

 

There is no 3rd party in the picture. I was really committed to him from the start. I think had it not been a long-distance relationship what took 4 years to figure out, could have taken 4 months in real time.

 

The excitement of a new relationship is always there from the start so perhaps I didnt notice the lack of chemistry too much then.

[Loris]

Are you a scorpio and he a libra by any chance?!

 

Sometimes you can be looking for the same chemistry that you found with an ex. This can be difficult to replicate and often you may feel that something is wrong if it doesn't happen as intense or even similar to before.

 

I'm starting to find that in any new relationship I'm searching for a spark I used to have with my ex and it totally does my head in. I think you have to realise that people are attracted to different things and if you think you're not compatible then you need to talk to him about it.

 

Best of luck.

[Opiniorose]

Hi,

I was exactely in the same situation that you are right now, I know what it feels like, I knew my guy for 12 years but just the last three (Long Distance) we had been together as bf and gf.

 

He is a nice guy, two years older than me, he has a great heart, (I believe he is a better person than me) he wanted to have children, he wanted to get married immediately, we have the same religion, he has family values, he has a super good job in a high management position, he is good looking, healthy, my family loved him, his family is pretty nice. Etc, in theory it couldn’t have been better.

 

However even when at the beginning I felt attracted to him, later I just couldn’t, I tried and tried but it just didn’t happened. Everyone kept telling me not to be foolish and marry the guy, even my parents and my brother, everyone told me that I would never find someone better. (Some of my girlfriends supported my decision).

 

So for about two years I tried to make it work, until I finally couldn’t anymore. He knew somehow, but now he hates me, and the only thing I regret is to make him lose his time for so long, he is a great person and he didn’t deserve it, I stole his time.

 

I am completely happy now, I am in love again, and I realize it would have been a HUGE MISTAKE to stay in that relationship, or to get married. I know and feel the difference. I don’t think those thing can be reasoned, I tried to reason for years and everything I achived was hurting him even more and feeling guilty all the time.

 

Please let me know what you think, I know how it feels believe me!!

[Batya33]

The kind of "chemistry" I have had in the past with "bad boys" is very different from the kind of chemistry that is the foundation for a lasting relationship. Yes, clinginess/neediness can impact chemistry and a bit of a challenge can increase it but the all out fire that one can feel for a bad boy type is based on a lie and is based on your own insecurity. Once the bad boy is "caught" the chemistry leaves or dwindles.

 

In comparison, if you have a more balanced relationship where neither takes the other for granted, where you are both invested in keeping the spark alive - whether it's by flirting with each other, going out dancing, cuddling, etc then the chemistry may not have that element of "will I ever hear from him again? does he like me/want me??" but the "hotness" of it is much more real and doesn't need that bad boy games stuff to fuel it.

[salsabrosa]

Are you a scorpio and he a libra by any chance?!

 

Sometimes you can be looking for the same chemistry that you found with an ex. This can be difficult to replicate and often you may feel that something is wrong if it doesn't happen as intense or even similar to before.

 

I'm starting to find that in any new relationship I'm searching for a spark I used to have with my ex and it totally does my head in. I think you have to realise that people are attracted to different things and if you think you're not compatible then you need to talk to him about it.

 

Best of luck.

I'm not a believer in horoscope, but yes we are. How did you guess?

[salsabrosa]

Thanks for your response. It is comforting to hear...I still cry myself to sleep every night and wonder if I made the right decision. Perhaps the gut is always right. This huge gut feeling was the defining point for my ending the relationship.