Blase Harris book "How To Get Your Lover Back" - Any thoughts?

[SummerSamba67]

In my desperate search for a magic bullet to win my ex GF back, I bought this book and have read it many times. Candidly, and I hesitate to admit it to this group, I have also scheduled 2 phone appointments with the author, Blase Harris MD, who's a practicing psychiatrist.

 

Please give me your thoughts on this book and what you thought about Harris's approaches. I would summarize his strategy as LC to re-trigger the "love-bond," escalating into further contact if there's a response. To some extent it conflicts with the strong NC position advocated by many ENA'ers, and that's one of the issues I plan to ask him about.

 

I would appreciate any thoughts you may have. Best wishes to us all.

[dreamguy]

I would summarize his strategy as LC to re-trigger the "love-bond," escalating into further contact if there's a response.

 

I am curious to know what he will say regarding LC.

Does he specify any intervals when going LC with an ex ? I mean do you call every 2 weeks ? 1 month ?

[SummerSamba67]

His book recommends LC at appropriate times, such as when you need to contact the ex for practical things, or for holidays, birthdays, etc. He advocates light-hearted get-togethers escalating into "dates." I think this is easier said than done. To keep things light and fun, one needs to be either a good actor, or be alot stronger than how one was when the ex first left. His book also implies this might take a long time, especially if the ex has already hooked up with someone new. One of the questions I have will be, if there's no positive response, how does one know when to "stop"? Are you at risk of getting stuck without moving on if you don't know when to stop?

[dreamguy]

You raised a very good question. There has to eventually be a limit where one must stop contacting the ex.

 

But then again you should clearly define "positive response". Does the term mean the ex is replying to you without initiating contact himself/herself ? Or the ex is actually contacting you even if you do not attempt to get in touch ?

 

I think the issue I have is whether to keep her blocked on MSN or not. You see, as long as she knows she can see me on MSN she will not feel she is losing me (as I am not completely out of sight) and she won't have the urge to call or text. Does it make sense ?

[JUSTBLUE]

 

I think the issue I have is whether to keep her blocked on MSN or not. You see, as long as she knows she can see me on MSN she will not feel she is losing me (as I am not completely out of sight) and she won't have the urge to call or text. Does it make sense ?

 

I completely hear you on this..i thought i was the only

one!

I want him to know, im still here, kind of. I hope ill be stronger to be friends again at some point.

But i dont know when that wil be.By then he may delete me of his list as im never on there.

Silly i know

 

Its been 3 weeks since i fell off the face of the earth, i keep him on my msn, i NEVER go on there though or appear online....i guess i feel i have control that way.

[lizer]

You raised a very good question. There has to eventually be a limit where one must stop contacting the ex.

 

But then again you should clearly define "positive response". Does the term mean the ex is replying to you without initiating contact himself/herself ?

 

 

 

These are the same questions I would ask the author.

[CatsMeeoow]

I very much liked the book!!!!

 

I do think LC is a good option for the right situation. At some point though if you do not feel you are making progress then you must give an ultimatum... Blase calls this the loving take away.

 

I don't think there is one approach that fixes everyones problem... heck we are all different people.

 

Wow - two phone appointments... I had no idea he did such things. Would love to know how that goes for you.

[bfla]

Bumping an old post. But this is the book I've been referring to in a few other threads. Apparently it's been discussed previously. If anyone has any other thoughts on it let me know. I will also point out some interesting parts that I found.

[GoldenHillGuy]

Yeah........I read it. It really is about the polar opposite of the advice given here. There are alot of good points regardless. It really all depends on how strong/patient you are. If you can handle just casually dating your ex and living through all the pain that might bring then its worth a shot. BUT, the big risk is really not letting yourself heal properly. It's all how much you're willing to keep old wounds open.

[istillluvu06]

Too tired of old and new wounds. I want nothing to do with him at this point. I'm not gonna ever again throw myself at a man. I need to think of me now and heal. Can't do that living on a rollercaoster in fairyland.....

I guess all that is great for someone who has patience and is a good actor. Personally I'm too emotionally drained to even bother again.

[bfla]

Falling in and out of love is not some kind of magic. It is a natural process that can be understood and mastered. Once you have been in love with someone, it is possible to remain so for a lifetime.

 

Love properly understood can be love regained. This book will show you how.

 

Dispel the pronouncements of your friends. Out of a genuine but misunderstood concern for your welfare, out of a projection of their own disappointments, or perhaps even out of an underlying jealousy, your friends and acquaintances may have assured you that there is more than one fish in the sea, more than one grain of sand on the beach. Those words are true, but empty! You are in love with a particular fish in the sea and a particular grain of sand. You can see the grain of sand in your hand, its own peculiar shape and facets and pattern of reflected light. It glimmers. That is the grain of sand for you.

 

You are told, "You can't make it happen."

 

Or, "If it was meant to be, it would be."

 

Such statements are as absurd as, "If you were meant to be a piano player, you would be able to play Bach as soon as you sat down to a piano.

 

Even your psychotherapist, if you have one, may be counseling you that the success or failure of this particular relationship is not that main concern. It may not be his concern, but it is yours.

 

 

How was this guy inside my head when this was published? I was only 5 years old, lol...

[dreamguy]

I wonder if the author was talking about cases where the ex is already dating someone else.

 

All in all, good point though.

[louhere]

Roller coaster in Fairyland – how did you know my address?

[knightingale]

I wonder if the author was talking about cases where the ex is already dating someone else.

 

All in all, good point though.

 

Surely it says something about this particular case. Right?

 

Do tell.

[bfla]

The message to take away from this story: The issue is not the competition; it is the ability to love. The best way to deal with competition is not to treat the person as "competition."

 

You could spend hours driving through the neighborhood to which your ex-lover has moved surveying the intersection of roads, the layout of the buildings, and perhaps, the exact building in which your ex now lives. These are the very trees under which he or she must walk. Jealousy can envy even the trees and the sidewalk upon which your ex-lover must tread.......

 

......Dwelling on the competition will result in grief and debilitating jealousy. Minor details--the person's eye color, cut of hair, talents, possessions--will take on undue but major significance. It makes you less effective when you finally share time with your ex-lover, because you'll have countless negative pictures dancing in your head. The self-torture of deliberately contemplated negative pictures (fantasies)--which may or may not have a basis in reality--increase anger and/or depression, both of which will interfere with your concentration when you attempt to create pleasant moments with the person you are trying to love........

 

.......Any attempt to imitate the competition will be obvious. It will be seen as manipulative, desperate, and pathetic. Manipulation (especially blatant manipulation) elicits anger. Desperation chases lovers away. Pity inhibits love. (You are attempting to nurture a spark of love into a flame. If your ex-lover feels pity for you, then are you trying to start a fire with a wet match.)

 

Dismiss negative images of jealousy from your mind. Use instead positive visualization. When you think of your ex-lover, visualize shared happy moments involving you and him, or visual your ex with his friends or with his mother, but not with the competition. Do not reflect on the competition--such reflections needs not and should not be present in the mirror of your mind. Positive visualizations make you stronger. Negative visualizations debilitate.

 

 

.....If you lie awake at night picturing what you feel your ex-lover must be doing at that very moment, you just torture yourself. Your ex-lover may or may not be enjoying lovemaking with someone else, and even if he is, their lovemaking very likely has little to do with whether or not you get your lover back--these are factors beyond your control, except to the extent that you let such thoughts affect you. Banish them from your mind, replace them with positive visualization, and forget about what's-her-name.

[dreamguy]

I think I'll read this book. Sounds interesting to say the least.

[bfla]

It's not my new bible or anything, but it is an interesting second angle to nc nc nc nc nc. Doesn't necessarily have a lot of hints in getting BACK in touch with someone after NC, or maybe I'm just not reading in between the lines.

[knightingale]

Man, positive is easier said than done.

 

I have a photographic memory and a very vivid imagination. Not imagining him with her is like telling me to stop breathing.

 

But I guess I better learn, huh?

[Emily100]

excellent, excellent book about what a love relationship really is and how to make that happen. helped me immensely but only works if the reader really understands what loving someone really feels like and what loving yourself really feels like.