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Long message, if you read, please leave a message about your ideas, thoughs, just about anything. That would show respect towards me and my situation and I would appreciate that very much so. Here's your chance to make someone feel better, it's up to you to seize it or choose the way of passivity:

 

I don't think I have a lot of self-esteem just now, whereas I should. I've always had this problem with the concept of self-esteem.

 

Do you believe that self-esteem is attained by achievments? For example having good grades, having numerous relationships, being great in arts, music or sports?

 

I would evalutate myself as being intelligent, handsome, talented in arts, in some sports, not bad with music, well cultured, well educated, and caring for others. Only, not matter how much I DO, it never seems to be enough. My grades just now are not far from 100 % in every subject I study, yet I am not satisfied. How do you explain that? I still feel insecure about who I am, I still live with a lot of fear in my life.

 

I spent a lot of time volunteering and just helping others basically, academically or simply by listening to others and giving advices. I've travelled all over the world, I've learned more than one languages, I've read more books than I can remember, I've had many girlfriends in my life, most of them beautiful and loving. I've also had good friends and no so good one. Why can't I find peace, how can I reach self-satisfaction? When will I find peace?

 

I am aware I'm the only one who had control over my own thoughts, by this feeling, this negative, destructive feeling seems to creep on me before I can notice.

 

I'm wondering wether it's about how much you do just now.. I've tried to be good in everything, and most of the time I manage to, but I'm still not satisfied. I get upset at myself for not being satisfied. I think, «You'Ve done so much, why can't you just be proud of who you are?»

 

I feel stressed often, like I'm running to get something, but I don't know what. I often feel frustrated, as I want to express something, but it just stays impresonned inside. Then I get angry at myself for not having done what I felt like doing.

 

I also do a lot of irrational comparisons, like I look for someone in everyfield in my life that beats me on one ground. Know what I mean? I often use comparison in destructive and illogical ways.

 

I like what I study and have loving and caring parents. I often feel like drinking would get rid of those barriers and allow me to express freely who I am. I feel pressure, constrained by society's unwritten laws. I sometimes see a women I like, but can't find the strength to talk to her, not because I'm afraid of rejection, but because I feel like you just can't talk to strangers nowadays, and this saddens me.

 

I should be proud of myself, I should have more good friends, and a beautiful girlfriend, only I don't. I am entitled to all of this and I feel like I'm a great person, maybe I need to know it.

 

I don't approve and self-satisfaction. I despise people who says: I'm satisfied with who I am! How can they say that? There is so much to do, so much to learn, everyone is incompetant in something, shouldn't they want to constantly improve? The thing is, I think satisfaction is the worst enemy of motivation. I may sound not that satisfied with who I am, but by God I'm a very motivated person! I'm wondering If I can ever learn to ESTEEM who I am. I don't know why, there's like this barrier who prevents me to. I always feel I could be even more than who I am. I fear I'll always want to overachieve.

 

Maybe the answer does not lie in action, but in thoughts. Maybe the answers to my quest lie in the spiritual. I do not believe in man's made religion, they go against reason. I don't know If I believe in a higher being. I'm not sure of anything actually, most of the time I wondering about everything and everything at once. I'm learning to concentrate on the present time, I am glad I've finally managed such a feat at my own age. but it doesn't solve my problem about esteem.

 

THANK you for reading all of this. You, who are in front of your computer just now, please do not limit yourself to reading, take the time to write. I WILL FEEL BETTER about anything you have to say, just mention something, your ideas, your thoughts, they interest me very much so. I always try my best to help others around here, for those who know me, I feel like I deserve some help to, otherwise, what is it all about? Should a community be about helping one another so we all feel stronger? I always give back 100 times what I receive, do participate...

 

Omega Man,

 

Etienne

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Don't be sad Omega man!! When you are happy the whole world loves you, when you are sad they can marginalize you, so don't let the world get to you. There is good and bad in everything and situation, it is your own perception telling you how to feel and the frightening part is that you can control your perception. Take your 140 IQ and put it to better use than beating yourself up over a B+ in philosophy.

 

You are right in saying that we all have our strengths in life and we all have our weaknesses and insecurities. You are very positive towards others, and you need to treat yourself likewise. We all know that if we think about our own errors in judgement we can make ourself feel terrible, isn't that so? So that answer to your question is Don't Dwell on What you Don't have!!

 

Stay with your quality arrangements and just add to them one at a time, I think that you do need a girlfriend, that will give you the satisfaction that you are seeking, to me that seems to be the only thing that you are laking!

 

Go forth and let the power of your spirit and the help that you have given to others and will give in the future fill your soul with happy feelings and let your behavior reflect this to others in your environment.

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To both of you, Sister and Shadow, I would like to thank you personally. The fact that, out of 20 something people, you two bothered and took the time to type something to make me feel better means A LOT to me. Gives me back some faith in some sense, faith in others. I can only hope others will join in, not so much for what they will say, but for the representations of their action. Actions speak louder than words, If I had to live by something, it would be that. For all you readers out there, I think self-esteem is a subject that isn't well understood by most. I also believe that most people do not have self-esteem. I think everyone would gain from sharing their view on the subject. I've certainly learned of what was said so far.

 

Shadow

I think part of the problem with "satisfaction" is it seems to be at opposite ends with looking forward and realizing you can do more. At least to me, part of esteem isn't being content to the point that you figure you've reached a pinnacle, but just to remember to give yourself credit for each step you do accomplish, to have some pride when you achieve something, and enough humility and ambition to realize there's still more out there you'd like to accomplish, that you're not "done."

 

I think satisfaction should last for only a moment. Long-term satisfaction is what confort is to our physical self. Too much psychological confort will make someone lazy and just act like: Oh I'm fine the way I am. No need to improve any further. But then again, shouldn't we always aim to be better? Who is happy is stagnation? I envy those who never ask themselves question, for by blinding themselves to reality, they can't feel insecurities. Certitudes drives men blind, but also provides them with a self-assurance I would long to get. I believe I will always ask myself question as to why this is that way, and why others things are the other way. I think thereforeeee I am, wasn't? I love your definition of self-esteem and I will try to apply it according to my own perceptions.

 

I know one of the worst things most people do is measure themselves against others - it can't be avoided to some extent, but it can set you up to feel like you're never quite good enough when you expect to be able to match others in EVERY area of your life and interests. If you think about it, most acknowledged "geniuses" or standouts have both strengths and weaknesses. Was Einstein a great composer and artist? Or conversely, was Picasso exploring the theory of relativity? Nope, they found their strength and played to it. Not everyone has one area they excel in to that extent, but most successful people have learned to concentrate on the areas they were either strongest and most talented in, or that was most important to them. Other areas, you learn to judge your progress against yourself, and give yourself a little credit for improving, even in those areas you might never be "the best" in. It's not so much satisfied with what you achieve, as the effort you put in to achieve it. Hey, I about killed myself to get a B in college calc, because math is NOT my forte at ALL, but I felt more pride in that B than in the A's on the papers I wrote, because English and writing come very easily to me, that B was one of the hardest grades I've earned in my life!

 

Do you really think it can't be avoided? Isn't that what we should aim for, a comparison of no one but ourself? Come to think of it, I someone compares himself to himself, he will see his improvements and thus achieve pride in some sense? Also, that would a much more a rational and logical kind of comparison wouldn't? Here's a new premise I'm establishing here: Comparison is the ennemy of esteem. Surely you will find people who you judge worse than you are, but you'll find better ones too. Comparison leads to envy and jealousy, I will try not to compare myself, or too compare myself as little as possible as for now.

 

It's not so much satisfied with what you achieve, as the effort you put in to achieve it.

 

I think I'll quote on you on this one, I'll try to keep this sentence in my mind for as long as I live. I would also tend to agree with you.

 

So basically, self-esteem can only be attained by overcoming difficult things? And so anything that is easy should be done with whereas challenges should be constantly sought? Effort would lead to self-esteem, lazyness (the easiest way out of anything) would lead people to depriciate themselves. Maybe this is overly simplified, but I think it's reasonnable.

 

Peace... I don't know, I'm a restless soul myself, I'm never happier than when I'm tackling a new challenge head on, and don't find any satisfaction at all in drifting along, I love to learn new things and strive to improve my skills on things I love to do. I've come to terms with that to a great extent, that I will always feel I need something to work on to feel fulfilled. I suppose there's a certain amount of peace within that itself, since I don't berate myself for not being happy just cruising along, I'm not at war with myself these days. And that just comes from accepting who I am, and not expecting myself to be happy with the same things other people might be. I'm not them, and they're not me.

 

I'll try your challenge thing, time to favor actions to word and thoughts. I too learn to love new things, I can never be satisfied it seems, but I'm not complaining about that, it gives some of my motivation to live, in order to learn new things, to fight back ignorance with everything I've got.

 

So you are basically saying that peace comes from the acceptation of being restless? A complete paradox, but this might be possibly true.

And that just comes from accepting who I am, and not expecting myself to be happy with the same things other people might be. I'm not them, and they're not me.

 

Yes, indeed, wise words, wise words I will have to accept that I am not satisfied with easy sex, easy humor, easy thoughts, easy tasks. I just have to accept it.

 

Try and evaluate what DOES give you a sense of accomplishment, and work with it - and remember you're an individual, don't expect it to necessarily be what might work for someone else, it doesn't make you less of a worthy person, just an individual with your own unique needs.

 

Yes, maybe so. This is actually the truth, well, what I think to be the truth. I know I'm a very worthy person, I just feel like I don't fit in. I'm 22, I get along great with older people, 28 (and older), but I can't find some brilliant, beautiful girl my own age it seems. I realise I'm cursing my maturity, which doesn't make much sense, now does it? I have a lot of self-acceptation to do I realise. But then again, doesn't accepting something the best way to stop fighting for it, isn't there a danger to once again fall into passivity?

 

Don't be sorry for your post, it was wondefully instructive. I believe it helped you, by ordering your thoughts, just like it helped me in many ways. Wil be eager to read your posts, shadow.

 

Sister

 

YEaH, agreed about happiness. I have the control over my perceptions, I know that, by I probably have to convince myself of that. I suppose you are right, I should go for constructive thoughts, why is it that finding what makes us feel bad is so much easier?

 

You are right in saying that we all have our strengths in life and we all have our weaknesses and insecurities. You are very positive towards others, and you need to treat yourself likewise. We all know that if we think about our own errors in judgement we can make ourself feel terrible, isn't that so? So that answer to your question is Don't Dwell on What you Don't have!!

 

I know, I know, but this requires such a TREMENDOUS MENTAL effort, doesn't? Am I the only one who find it hard to be positive? I will try to learn to be more positive towards me, I have very high expectations though.. we'll see .

 

About the girlfriend: Oh but if only you knew how much I would crave for that. I'm telling you, If I see someone who is a bit spiritual and clever (no in the sense of a genius, but who just like to question herself and others) I will do my best to get her into my life. I've just gotten out of a 1 year relationship and I've realised something. I left her because it had gotten too easy, no more efforts, we just drifted on the current of time. I think making efforts is what I have to learn. I've been pampered quite a lot in my youth, now is the time to make efforts.

 

Thank you once again, sis, I appreciate the fact that you always reply to my requests for advices, I appreacite you a lot for that.

 

Omega Man

 

Etienne

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hey omegaman.

 

I feel that in some cases that self esteem could well come from achievements however in other cases people can 'big up' so to speak these achievements and make them more than what they are.

I feel that an achievement can not just be an award or something such as that but also a self achievement, for example, I felt I needed to be more bold with my opinions when I had accomplished this, maybe then I have more self esteem.

 

Maybe that's what it is, you are achieving your achieving what you want, or maybe not that but what others want and what they expect of you.

 

What is it that you fear in your life at the moment? Is it just the lack of self-esteem?

 

Ok the question of peace, peace will come when you are truly happy with yourself or as far as you can accomplish this, you will be happy when you over come your fears and at the moment you will feel at more peace when you overcome your self esteem issue which your are attempting now.

 

What do you mean by negative destructive feelings that you have? Can you define that a bit more? Is this against you or life or another angle?

 

I feel that you should be proud of who you are but not by how much you have done, you are you, you don't change significantly through things you do, it's the choices you make about this.

 

'' I also do a lot of irrational comparisons, like I look for someone in every field in my life that beats me on one ground. Know what I mean? I often use comparison in destructive and illogical ways.'' I slightly understood this but not to a tee could you explain that bit please.?

 

You can talk to who you want, as long as you approach them in the correct way, by doing this you will then get the reaction you want and will thereforeeee accomplish your goal.

 

I would say if you want to drink that is an option taken by you, but don't do this when your on an all time low as it will deepen this emotion.

 

The point about self satisfaction was fair to a degree, but I feel that people who believe in this can then work on it, you can then work to a higher level, people can sometimes deal with their emotions more if they look at it from this angle, it is more than likely just the same as yours but simplified.

 

Can you over achieve that is the question? You can over judge these achievements and push them in front of people to make a point etc. but can you over achieve? Explain to me how you feel you can do that?

 

I think that's my input for now, until possibly I get a response, well I hope it helps and sorry about the amount of questions I have asked. But anyway yes you deserve an answer and you do give as much back as you can, ive seen that when you answer my posts.

 

Anyways talk laters…kel

 

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First of all, I would like to thank you again, Shadow Dancer, and You Neva, for replying again. I will keep showing my appreciation for the replies I get because I don't want to take anything for granted. And so, although I know it also helped you in some way (which I am very glad of), know that this is helping me too. Building your own life philosophy is a work of a lifetime I realise, but also my greatest tool. I've found some answers (temporary one no doubt) to some of the questions I've asked myself, but I'm still wondering about the self-esteem issue.

 

(By the way I've realised that I was using self-esteem in the wrong way. I have a problem with low self-esteem, not with self-esteem as such. I just wanted to mention that because I checked in my english dictionnary and discovered the meaning of self-esteem.)

 

And so onward with this discussion, which, I must admit, interests me quite a lot. I will expect replies, but I might not get them I realise.

 

Ok, let's go with Neva's perception of the situation:

 

I feel that in some cases that self esteem could well come from achievements however in other cases people can 'big up' so to speak these achievements and make them more than what they are.

 

Ok, I will need some clarifications as english is not my first language (I've learned my english by reading books ). I have absolutely no idea of what big up means. It's an english expression I am not familiar with to be honest.

 

I feel that an achievement can not just be an award or something such as that but also a self achievement, for example, I felt I needed to be more bold with my opinions when I had accomplished this, maybe then I have more self esteem.

 

And so you bring the concept of self-esteem in another direction. In a second dimension one might say. What I mean by that is that, according to this paragraph, self-esteem would come from achieving something which represents a personnal self-achievement. In other words, succeeding to something that is higher than your standards will grant you a good self-esteem. Let's say I was aiming for a 95% in an exam and get a 99% I will feel pride, whereas If I get a 80 % I will be disappointed.

 

Which brings me to another point, someone with high expectations, high standards will find it harder to reach self-esteem than someone with lower standards?

 

Maybe that's what it is, you are achieving your achieving what you want, or maybe not that but what others want and what they expect of you.

 

I don't understand that sentence, Sorry I am achieving my achieving for what? Could you re-formulate that so that I can understand it?

What is it that you fear in your life at the moment? Is it just the lack of self-esteem?

 

Hmm.. a good question If I do say so myself. I think I am afraid that I might not be able to be in a situation where I'm satisfied with who I am. I get upset at myself because of that because I think I'm a great person and I can't seem to be satisfied with what I do, who I am. And what pisses me off the most, is that I see this bastard in one of my class who makes everyone unhappy but who's so proud of what he is. I personally he doesn't bring anything good to our society, only bad things, and yet he has some friends, although I don't know if they're good friends and he is going out with this nice, intelligent girl. This is what pisses me off. Mediocre people who are satisfied with who they are. Reactions like when someone doesn't study and he gets like a 60% and goes like, well that's fine, instead of wanting to do better next time. And so, to sum it up, I am afraid my high expectations will curse me to a life in which I don't like who I am, whereas I want to. Does this answer your question properly?

 

Ok the question of peace, peace will come when you are truly happy with yourself or as far as you can accomplish this, you will be happy when you over come your fears and at the moment you will feel at more peace when you overcome your self esteem issue which your are attempting now.

 

Yeah, I would agree that fear comes when you make the mental effort of freeing yourself from fears and doubts. How to this I wonder, that's the hard part .

 

'' I also do a lot of irrational comparisons, like I look for someone in every field in my life that beats me on one ground. Know what I mean? I often use comparison in destructive and illogical ways.'' I slightly understood this but not to a tee could you explain that bit please.?

 

Ok, here's an example: I've been drawing stuff since I was a kid. So I consider myself good at drawing. But then I see this person, younger than me, who draws like a god in heat, well I'll have a tendency to compare myself to him, to his talent, and draw the conclusion, that, after all, I'm not so good a drawing. I will tend have such an attitude with everything I'm good at at. Even today I wonder where this reaction is coming from.

 

I feel that you should be proud of who you are but not by how much you have done, you are you, you don't change significantly through things you do, it's the choices you make about this.

 

Indeed, but how can you judge a man if not by his actions?

 

What do you mean by negative destructive feelings that you have? Can you define that a bit more? Is this against you or life or another angle?

 

Self-depreciation, paranoia, susceptibility. Those are the main things I believe. If only I could understand where these feelings originate from.

 

You can talk to who you want, as long as you approach them in the correct way, by doing this you will then get the reaction you want and will thereforeeee accomplish your goal.

 

You think? I have the feeling most people would be afraid in some stranger came to them and just started talking. Maybe this is just one of my irrational ideas though, I will have to check it out I suppose.

 

The point about self satisfaction was fair to a degree, but I feel that people who believe in this can then work on it, you can then work to a higher level, people can sometimes deal with their emotions more if they look at it from this angle, it is more than likely just the same as yours but simplified.

 

I'm not sure I understand this either (sorry). Would you mind quoting what I said just so I can make the link? That would be very nice of you as I would really like to understand everything you've said and mentionned.

 

Can you over achieve that is the question? You can over judge these achievements and push them in front of people to make a point etc. but can you over achieve? Explain to me how you feel you can do that?

 

Not sure I understand... I don't want to overachieve if that's what you mean, but I'm stuck with the perception that I wil discover my value when I can achieve in as many things as possible.

 

I think that's my input for now, until possibly I get a response, well I hope it helps and sorry about the amount of questions I have asked. But anyway yes you deserve an answer and you do give as much back as you can, ive seen that when you answer my posts.

 

Anyways talk laters…kel

 

No, don't be sorry, the questions and me seeking for their answers is what it's all about.

 

SHADOWDancer

 

I suppose criticism and what other think is important in art. How to make an opinion I wonder.. By listening to other's opinion? That's a hard one to which I cannot answer...

 

I guess this is drawing the line between the peace of just accepting my personality, without accepting that "drifting contentment" that a lot of my peers seem to be comfortable in. I know for a while I was questioning myself ad nauseum as to "why am I not HAPPY?" when I had the same things basically that those around me had, and were happy with. Starting to come to terms with expecting more of myself than just drifting, and needing to accomplish things, while I might never be "peaceful" per se, I don't rail at myself so much for NOT being able to accept that "drifting" and be content with it.

 

Yeah, I ask myself that all the time. I think I understant I will always have high expectations and aim to be better which will push me to act constantly to reach a very temporary satisfaction. I believe self-esteem is actually linked to self-acceptation which leads to self-confidence, good relationships, a loved one, kids and so on... But just how much self-acceptation can we allow ourselves? How can I drive this voice out of my head: I could've done even better?

LOL, this gave me a chuckle, since I'm 28

 

Was I right or what?

 

Hmm... you have a point, but there is a difference between accepting who you are, and working with that, and trying to force yourself into a mold you're not suited for simply to be content with what you THINK you should be.

 

Awesome, simply awesome. What's the difference though?

 

It's not a case of stopping striving for self improvement so much as seeing who you are, and working from it, instead of trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole, trying to make it a better square

 

Hmm.. so it's all about accepting to see who you are, or who you think you are, but still reach for self-improvement. This is all very complicated isn't?

 

Wow, I would've never though self-esteem would be so complicated. It's the key though, the key to everything. According to the dictionary, low self-esteem is when someone doesn't have the feeling that he has some value. Is it really as simple as that? Are there really some worthless people out there? And If so, why do we start thinking that we don't have any value? I don't think this is my case, I KNOW I have value, it's all a matter of acceptiing it.

 

Hope to read from you members soon,

 

Omega Man \

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hey again, lets see if i can fill in where you got confused.

and wow this isnt your first language? what is? im impressed.

 

anyway here goes:

first off when using the expression 'big up', i mean in my sense that people can become narcisstic or justoverwhelemed in their self achievements changing them into someone they dont want to be. not even that but someone they should become. people who are like this are often always self ensumed and not thinking about others, which im not saying your doing at all, just a different side to the cube so to speak.

 

What I mean by that is that, according to this paragraph, self-esteem would come from achieving something which represents a personnal self-achievement.

 

i would say this couldnt be put any better, but i wouldnt have used the example that you did, and personally 80% would be great for me lol. but still if you want to look at it from that then this is an ok example.

 

i wouldnt say this statment is true :

Which brings me to another point, someone with high expectations, high standards will find it harder to reach self-esteem than someone with lower standards?

 

this depends upon the person not what they want to achieve, everyone has different limits and everyone has different desires, you cant put one theory accross to a million people, each will decide and take their own route. you may find it difficult because if you have chosen this theory and obviously you have high expectations then you are making it difficult for yourself by sticking to it. i feel that you need to loosen up a little dont worry about as much as you do. it seems that you have a wide range of abilities and skilled in many areas, you are at a limit that is good for yourself now so dont try to over step that mark.

 

what i mean by this is, when their are several steps to take you cant just skip half of them to reach a higher level you need to work at it. so dont set yourself too high of a goal.

 

Quote:

Maybe that's what it is, you are achieving your achieving what you want, or maybe not that but what others want and what they expect of you.

 

what i meant by this (sorry i really didnt put it so you could understand it sorry): ok lets carry on:

 

im saying all these goals and talents that you have are you achieveing them for yourself, as something that you want to do, or is it expected of you? do people feel like you shouldd do these thing or maintain these standards and you thereforeeee feel pressure.

 

for example through earlier stages of education i was given and predicted a very high grade as i started as a very enthusiastic student and as soon as i slacked or missed one key point i was penalized as they thought i was doing it oj purpose.....so are you doing these goals for yourself or for someone else?

 

yes i feel you have answered my questions well so far:

 

 

 

anyways:

 

right when someone has a skill that is to themselves, you feel that you are understated when someone of a younger generation has the capability to draw partially better than you, well think of this you consider yourself as a good drawer, i would love to be able to do some form of art or creation i am unable and not capable as doing as much as others despit how much i try, i envy people like you. everyone has someone who is slightly more able than they are, its life.

 

dont take it too personally and dont worry about it, age is always an issue in many things, but have you ever thought this person has put as much time and effort and craft in his work despite his age. so please dont consider that as a factor.

 

Self-depreciation, paranoia, susceptibility. Those are the main things I believe. If only I could understand where these feelings originate from.

 

sorry about that but i dont think i could truelly answer this question and be able to say it is correct, i feel it is on a personal level which i cannot respond to.

 

You think? I have the feeling most people would be afraid in some stranger came to them and just started talking. Maybe this is just one of my irrational ideas though, I will have to check it out I suppose.

 

yes i do think so, so go get that goal, and approach them with the right manner, if you approach them in a way that you are confident but not big headed then that is fine, do not startle her or make her feel isolated, just talk to her, go for goal as i said and take your chance, you will be amazed by the amount of new fresh people you meet.

 

and about the quoting i dont understand how to find it...but you were saying that it wasnt much of a self esteem issue on that count but self satisfaction. im sorry i will have to relook over in a minute and then post it...sorry.

 

okay im going to end on that note and see what you come back with so that i can understand more. thanks. kel

and have you had a good day? lol, just so that you can destress if stressed. yay

kel

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Yay! Another reply! Thanks Neva! As for my first language, it's french! Vive le Québec libre, ah si seulement je pouvais maintenant comprendre l'espagnol!

 

I now understang that big up is a synonym of Narcissim. I realise I sometimes have the tendency to try to reach for Narcisim in order to feel more secure. I haven't done that in a long while though, I feel like I'm getting a better balance here. Well that's how I feel today at least.

 

And I did have a good day I think. You see, since I moved away from home, I haven't drove a car in a long while (a few years to be precise). Well today I went to practice and at some point practicing, I felt that I couldn't do so part of the way, but the person who was with me said that I should trust myself and I did. It was a challenge for me but I succeded. I felt proud and happy. The person also told me that I shouldn't be so hard of myself and cut myself some slack. Which I will try to do. I believe I think too much sometimes, I think I can find something that is going wrong and that I can fix. Perhaps I'm not busy enough... (How about yourself, how was yours?)

 

By the way nobody mentionned wether they had high self-esteem or not? So how about telling me wether you do have self-esteem?

 

this depends upon the person not what they want to achieve, everyone has different limits and everyone has different desires, you cant put one theory accross to a million people, each will decide and take their own route.

 

That is true, although our goal is more or less the same under numerous forms. I do have high standards, I think I was looking for some kind of universal answer although none exist. It's all about modyfing my own life philosophy, finding my own Truth (with a big T).

 

it seems that you have a wide range of abilities and skilled in many areas, you are at a limit that is good for yourself now so dont try to over step that mark.

 

You are right, and when I do my best, I do succeed. About time to relax and take it easy a bit.

 

im saying all these goals and talents that you have are you achieveing them for yourself, as something that you want to do, or is it expected of you? do people feel like you shouldd do these thing or maintain these standards and you thereforeeee feel pressure.

 

Honestly? I think I'm doing partly for myself and partly for others. I think everything is motivated by one thing, me pressuring myself, which comes from my mom pressuring me when I was a kid. Here's how I see it, I pressure myself, then I feel stressed because I pressure myself, I then formulate completely absurd goals to achieve or things to do, and then I have to accomplish them right now because I'm pressured. This works sometimes, most of the time, I try to to accomplish something that is impossible. Once I succeed, I often don't take the time to appreciate what I've done, it seems like I have to have the appreciation of others. Only considering I'm so aware of being an individual, thus being different, that I expect them to give me appreciation of what I did the same way I do. This sums it up pretty much.

 

So the lessons learned from all this:

1-I have control of my perceptions of others and of myself.

2-I should give myself a chance and realise that I'm human and thus have the right to have limits as well I consider myself good at. Redevelop a feeling of pride.

3-I have to find my own satisfaction in the things I do.

4-It's not so much a matter of how many things you do, but your appreciation of those things. Avoiding challenges is the best way to prevent yourself to be proud (and should be avoided )

5-There will always be someone who's better than me at something. This is unacceptable for I am meant to be the best in everything. (joking or course, this only makes me realise the importance to compare myself to me and not to others)

6-Comparison should be avoided because it is, at it's very basis, an evalution of others not based on facts. Also, the evalutation of someone else cannot be done solely on one unique talent he/she has.

7-My feelings of self-depreciation, paranoia and susceptibility comes from my lack of confidence in myself and in life in general. To be aware of that is to have taken one more step toward my goal.

8-The stress I sometimes experience comes from my lack of confidence and in life, this will change with time, I make it my personnal goal.

 

Those my constructive realisations, a few more bricks to build my own philosophy of life.

 

Write up soon!

 

OMEGA Man

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First of all i did not read they other post because i am revising for a test in the next 2 weeks and i had no time to really go on the computer so sorry for missing the post.

About the post

Yes satisfaction is attended by achievments. It is not how well you do something sometimes but the time you spent doing it and with who you were doing it with that makes a difference. Drinking is not the answer to any of the problems. The sentence you mentioned about stranger and talking to them sometimes i feel the same way. When people say someimes that they satisfied with themselves it is because that People set certain standards and goals for themselves and they have accomlished that it in life already. Satisfaction is not the worst empty it is good and bad it depends on what satisfies you and what is the norm or what is acceptible in society that determines the norm. And if your satisfaction complies with societ's norms then you feel satisfied. Hope this Help.

 

I am sure that the members of enotalone will answer any questions which includes me as a member and you will get the advice that you need ok.

thereforeeee you will most likely get some self esteem.

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Okay, I had to think about this one for a long while, since self-esteem is something I've worked very hard to come by, and continue to do so. On this one I was a little unorthodox and didn't actually read anyone else's replies because I want to give my thoughts on self-esteem and how it can be achieved without my thoughts being influenced by what someone else has said. So here goes....excuse me if it comes out sort of meandering, since I've given a lot of thought to this particular subject for a lot of years, worked hard at it, and taken a lot of turns some might not have.

 

Okay...Self-esteem comes (obviously) from within. No one can GIVE it to you, it has to be something you take for yourself, in pride in achievements, in loving who you are and what you've accomplished in your life, in making wise choices and having the common sense to avoid bad ones, in striving for something, either within yourself or outside, and, even if you fail, knowing you gave it your ultimate best, and put every effort into attaining it.

 

For a long time, I was unmotivated, partly due to my parents' influence (i.e., when I wanted to work in a recording studio and my mother told me it was a foolish idea because EVERYONE wanted to do that), had few friends, (moved to a new, rich, snobby town when I was 8 and wasn't "up to snuff" by other kids' standards in the way I dressed, etc., even at that age), was frustrated at the lack of motivation my teachers gave me, since my old school was ahead of the one I'd joined, and I was fairly ahead in the intelligence factor and just BORED by the classes I had to take, etc. All of this, I think, combined, along with other factors, to lead to lowered self-esteem. I was too young at that point to even understand the term, so I didn't realize why I felt so worthless. There's more, but I'll skip it, since this isn't my story.

 

Point being: by the time I was a teen, I had NO direction, no clue as to what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be with, all of it. Because I'd been sort of "taught" not to have direction, from my surroundings and environment. And I slowly understood that what I had was "low self-esteem" and "insecurity." No boys were interested in me, my friends were the "losers", etc. And this really started to bother me, because I had no idea how to turn it around. I was a doormat to all who wanted to walk on me, just to gain any sort of acceptance.

 

Eventually, it got to the point where I cried a lot of nights because I knew how wrong my behavior and what I was accepting was, and I realized that, at best, I was mediocre in every way. My grades were good, and I could sing well, and was in chorus, (my saving grace was being able to sing my heart out with other talented singers for an hour every day in high school, the "best of the best" our school had for vocal talent) but that was it. And this had to change, or I'd die. Maybe not literally, but I felt like I was dying a little more every day from loneliness, depression, insecurities by the dozen, and that damned self-esteem.

 

So I went home one night and wrote down all the plusses and minuses of my life-what I was pleased with, what I was displeased with. As you can imagine, the minuses far outweighed the plusses, because I was so used to having a negative outlook. I gave the list to a trusted friend and asked him to critique it for me. He gave it back to me the next day with just about all of the minuses crossed out, and explained that my mind was my own worst enemy, because I couldn't see the potential I had.

 

Ahh, POTENTIAL. I'd heard the word before, but hadn't paid it much mind. My friend suggested I now write down what it was I really wanted in life, realistically, what I felt I could accomplish, what bad elements I needed to cut out, and how I could better my outlook in general. I did just that. Here's what I realized (and I'm sorry this is so much about me, but this is how I learned to conquer the self-esteem issue, there is a point to all of this......lol)

 

1) No one is going to "give" you self-esteem-it's earned by your own motivation, your love for yourself, the realistic goals you not only set for yourself, but work hard to ACCOMPLISH, regardless of whatever obstacles are in your way.

 

2) Insecurity is the inability to love yourself, because you've leaned too heavily on society's perception of what and who you should be, and you feel you can't live up to that, even though most "ordinary" people realize that those standards aren't made equally for everyone in every social realm, every financial bracket, every walk of life and culture.

 

3) Self-esteem is gained when you have the strength to say "NO!" I could never, ever say no, and every time I said "yes" to something that I rebelled against internally, another little part of my already flagging self-esteem died, because it was fueled by the desire to be accepted by the very vague "others", even though, oddly enough, I didn't like those people. It was just that they were the "in crowd" and I wasn't "in." This was a HUGE one for me, and once I could do it, I gained a LOT of esteem quickly, when I could cast off the cloak of what's considered "acceptable" by my genre, my society, such as it is.

 

4)Self-esteem is gained when you have the strength to go against others' ideals and wishes and carbon-copy thoughts on what gets you further in life, and take your own path, towards what YOU believe, not what others believe. When you can realize that only you live your life, there's no one else there who's living it with you.

 

5) Self-esteem is gained when you can cast out the elements of your life that are damaging to your goals, be that unhealthy friends, unhealthy family, unhealthy habits, unhealthy attitudes. Even if this leaves you alone, you have to see this as a clean slate to work with, and which leaves you that much more free to create the person you've always wanted to be. It's the ability to lose all the negativity in your life and only see this as a positive, not dwell on the few positives the overall negatives had to offer. And it may be lonely as hell at times, but you have NOTHING in your life to contradict the goals you ultimately seek.

 

6) Self-esteem is gained when you can go to sleep at the end of the day knowing you've poured your heart into something you believe in, and know that you've made a difference in someone's life that anyone else didn't take the time to do. This could be something as simple as smiling at someone who's sad, taking a moment to ask how someone is and truly LISTENING when they answer, instead of the empty head-nod as you're thinking about what to pick up for dinner. Too few people have the ability to truly LISTEN, and take the words that have been said into serious consideration, and answer in kind. It seems like a small thing, but I've been told more times than I can count how much it was appreciated that I just LISTENED, without interruption, and gave an answer that wasn't just fluff.

 

7) Self-esteem is gained when you can have humility as well. When you can lose any braggadocio and self-importance and realize that, although you've given your goals your very best, it wasn't good enough. TODAY. And realize that there's still tomorrow, and the tomorrow after that, and the next tomorrow. It's NEVER too late to achieve your goals, your quest, the thing that makes you proud and makes you smile at night and say to yourself "I didn't do it today.....but there's always tomorrow, and my dream won't die tonight."

 

I can't word it any better than that. These are all the things I had to do to gain self-esteem, and it was HARD. It was painful, but it was also a lesson in reality, and what's realistic and what's not. I had to adjust my goals one at a time, as I thought of them and worked on them, simply realizing that there were some things I just couldn't do, no matter how hard I tried. But the biggest thing was to do it for MYSELF, not for the praise or degradation I might get from others. My goals are MY OWN, no one else's. Comparison to what others achieve will kill self-esteem faster than anything else, because NO ONE IS YOU. What others do has no bearing, because they haven't lived your life, haven't shared your experiences, don't have your financial background, etc. Only you can evaluate what's important to you, and how hard you're willing to work with it.....and self-esteem is also the ability to know when to call it quits and know that the goal you set might have been to high, and to set another one a little closer to your reach. And you know what? Once I realized that dream, and worked that hard to get to where I wanted to be, the once "popular people" were coming to ME, seeking MY advice, wanting to be seen with ME.....all because I finally had the confidence in myself that they'd never achieved. God, what a great feeling........but I still live for me, and me alone, as far as my self-esteem goes!

 

Mar

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Mar

 

Ahem.. this is going to have to be archived. I'll copy/paste this reply in a Word Document, too good an advice. Simply wonderful, thank you so much!!

 

I feel great reading that, and I intend to change things in my life.

 

You're the best Mar, simply the best. Thank you so much for the reply!

 

Omega Man, your number one fan! =D> =D> =D> =D> \

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lol......no better than what anyone else has told you, just personal life experience. I'm glad I was able to offer a different perpective, though! This is ALL common sense though.......my advice and everyone else's....you just have to think about it for a minute, and apply it to what you want in YOUR life. Once you do, the pieces slowly start to fall into place.

 

Mar

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Don't be modest Mar, we've all got our own talents, it's just a matter of exploiting them . I think you have a lot of life experience and the wisdom that comes along with it . I know understand how the wisdom of those older than Us (not to say you're old in any way of course) can actually help us, who are still unexperienced about how to live life.

 

Your story inspired me and made me realise that I was suffering not so much because I didn't think I had a lot of self-esteem, but that I was fighting me becoming an individual on his own, which comes from acceptance of being different from everyone else, as I'm me and they're them. All of the advices here helped me, your story did to.

 

Thank you to all of you who were great in their advices and made me realize things so I can accept that I'm such a wonderful person and be proud of who I am. I also realize the amount of control I have over my life and this makes me feel great.

 

Long live eNotalone!

 

Omega Man

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Hello OmegaMan and thank you for the personal invitation to reply to your post. I will be more than happy to give you my thoughts on this topic. I had the chance to marginally skim the first few sentences of other members' posts. I didn't want my views to be tainted by another's perspective. So with that said, I am sorry if what I write repeats what others have said.

 

Self-esteem comes from the confidence and satisfaction from oneself. It is obvious through your post that you do not have the long-term satisfaction of yourself required to reach a high self-esteem. You have made countless accomplishments throughout your lifetime and yet you feel empty… you feel incomplete. I have a question for you. Do you believe you have confidence in yourself? I feel that self-esteem and confidence go hand-in-hand. You must have one with the other or the formula doesn't equate to anything.

 

I have not always had high self-esteem (and even now being 22 yrs old, it teeters ever now and again). Though some of self-esteem hinges on achievements, it is only a small fraction. If you rely heavily on external factors, you will be riding a roller coaster of life with more ups and downs than you could possibly handle. Grades on tests, landing an outstanding job, dating the most beautiful girl are all external factors and temporary "highs." These things can boost your self-esteem for the time being, and although you are having the best time of your life riding these highs, it won't take much to bring you down to a low.

 

I believe that high self-esteem lies in the purity of your thoughts. As an internal factor, you can take your thoughts wherever you go, in whatever you do. Even when life throws you a curve, with the right train of thought, you will be able to find yourself on top again. And this is where confidence and self-esteem work well with each other. If you hit a low on the roller coaster of life, it's your confidence and self-esteem that will help you not to focus on your failures and inadequacies.

 

I completely understand how you feel. You are quite the perfectionist, as am I. There is so much to learn, so much to accomplish…. But with my thoughts, I know that if I don't accomplish something one day, my life holds a bright future and one day I will find myself fully exceeding my expectations. You are eager to learn and grow as an individual and I congratulate you for that inspiring quality that not many people possess. However, you must learn to realize your accomplishments and appreciate them. You have accomplished so much, yet you brush everything aside and jump to the next thing. Once you've accomplished something, your next thought is to find something else to engulf, rather than basking in the glow of that achievement and let your mind realize how truly outstanding you are! Enjoy your accomplishments…and BE satisfied with them. They may only be stepping-stones to bigger things, but you must learn to appreciate them. This will give your mind food for thought and internal satisfaction.

 

On a more straightforward note, it seems to me that you are just chasing after ever temporary high in hopes that you will find what you are looking for. You are mastering everything possible from music to arts to sports to grades, and you do not feel completed by them. Of all these things, what are the most important to you? My solution is for you to define your core values and your authenticity. Once you know the answer to who you are and what you were meant to do, you can enter your life path with enthusiasm! Once you start pursuing something that matters to you at your heart-felt level, you will find satisfaction in yourself. You will be achieving external goals, but most importantly you will be reviving your internal frame-of-mind because you are doing something that has actual meaning to you. Step outside your comfort box, and try things –Don't let society decide your outcome. Let your thoughts determine how far you will go.

 

You are your thoughts… find serenity within yourself and then everything will fall into place.

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I think it has so do with setting achievable goals and allowing yourself to feel happy when you make an accomplishment.

 

If I said I am going to be happy when my husband makes a million dollars, then every day that he hasn't made a million dollars, am I supposed to feel sad?

 

What if he doesn't work as well when he knows that I am unhappy, what choice does he have then, to leave me for someone more encouraging, to look for alternate outlets to his energy than depending upon me?

 

All this puts me into a precarious position, doesn't it? So instead I take on the objective of making his life happy and mine and hoping that we achieve that goal eventually, if not maybe we will be happy with 500,000 or a new car! Hope that helps to put things in perspective.

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Hey parle francais com cva ..(i know french very little..but i know 4 languages, 2 being my traditional languages hindi and punjabi)

 

I am flattered that you want my opinion on your post .. so i will try to help you as much as i can

 

Self esteem -- Its like a magical high .. made out of some very basic things

 

WE MUST LEARN TO LOVE OUR SELVES BEFORE WE CAN LOVE OR DO ANYTHING TO BE HAPPY IN THIS WORLD!

 

I lost 14 kilos ..was looking smart in anything i would wear , it added to my SELF IMAGE .. SELF ESTEEM IS EXACTLY THAT ...SELF IMAGE ..ITS NOT ABOUT ACHIEVING STUFF AND MAKING A POINT TO OTHER PEOPLE ...but more about how we see ourselves.

 

IF YOU THINK YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE AND SMART REALLY I MEAN REALLY THINK THAT THEN IT WILL SHOW IN YOUR BODY LANGUAGE ...that is again self esteem

 

Success is a HIGH and the only thing in life that gives u real self esteem and feeling of self worth and treasure

 

WHEN I SAY SUCESS i MEAN TRULY SUCESS IN WHAT YOU WANT TO DO VERY IMPORTANT

 

I MEAN U MIGHT WANT TO BE A SINGER BUT ENDED UP BEIN A LAWYER ..SO YES YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL BUT ..YOU ALWAYS SAW URSELF AS THE SINGER ..that was your mental image of success to which YOU related

 

so you might be a success in other peoples eyes but not in your OWN RESULT ---LOW SELF IMAGE LEADING TO LOW SELF ESTEEM

 

UR personaltiy effects ur self esteem ---i mean if u are a introvert and you force yourself to socialise then you will fail --result it will damage your image in your eyes result ---low self esteem-plus this is against how you are made so in theses situations its good to know ur pluses and minuses ..like a sense of humour , smile etc

 

 

OKAY SO THINGS YOU CAN DO-

 

First sit down and think hey this is what i want to do ..i really want to do this (for eg..i am a budding lawyer its hard work like 10+hrs a day , but WHY DO I DO IT , CAUSE I WANT TO sit on a beach drinking magaritas and hangin out with senoritas ) MOtivation plus of course i am really good at it , also i was always interested in law casue i alwasys wanted to make money so there you go see what u want and then go about achieveing it .

 

secondly man remember you are unique in your own way likw all of us ,

 

set ur self standards and dont shift from them ( i dint drink till iwas 22 yrs , even refused my dad on my 18th bday ..becasue it was a standard i st for my self )

 

SEE MATE ...SELF BELIEF +HARDWORK = GOOD IMAGE = GOOD SELESTEEM= HAPPINESS

 

 

Hey thats the way i see it and YES I DO HAVE REASONABLE GOOD SELF ESTEEM ...WHICH WILL IMPROVE ..CASUE I DO MEDITATION AND MY PRAYERS (I AM FROM INDIA SPIRTUAL LAND SO I GET A GOOD BALANCE)

 

 

HEY U CAN ONLY TRY AS HARD AS YOU WANT ..THEN LEAVE IT TO GOD remember WHAT SHAKES PEARE SAID ...WERE JUST MERE ACTORS ..IN A DRAMA ..(smthing like that i think..)

 

 

I hope i helped , if u want some specific adivice then post here and ill try my best to help you out !

 

merci, thank you

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Makes an excellent point about forcing yourself to do as others do and follow the wrong drummer. You need to really dig down in your heart sometimes to do what is right for YOU. This is something that I have been struggling with lately too. I spent ten years as a poor teacher and i just cannot see myself doing that anymore, and I feel that my family is disappointed in me for not doing better, but I absolutely did my best and no body could say that I wasn't in there trying to teach them every day!

 

It just wasn't me, and I don't want to be a failure every single work day, plus I feel that education is too important and if I wasn't giving them what they needed -- then I needed to stop and reevaluate myself, which is what I am presently involved in, looking to change careers to become a psychologist, so if anyone has any really juicy stories or hard to solve personal questions, then let me have them.

 

You may not always agree, but you'll at least have my honest opinion!

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I'm glad this succeded, an intellectual melting pot. I'm pretty sure low self-esteem is a major problem in our society nowadays. This comes mostly from the fact that there is so much pressure towards unhealthy comparisons in order to create some kind of fictional motivation. After everything that's been said and done, it's all about hanging on to your roots, to what you believe right no matter what. It's all about realizing the power you have and how much you have control on your thoughts.

 

Dear syster, I've read your post, this is going to sound philosophical again, but what do you consider a failure?

 

Thank you all for the posts, I have found the truth about self-esteem, my truth about self-esteem. I feel sad that I thought for a second that I did have low self-esteem, which is so absurd when I think about it now. I have faith in me and that's what it's all about after all. I'm glad everyone participated, this proves me that discussion can be very helpful after all!

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hey...im impressed youve done really well with this post,

my day has been great thanks. and well yeah exactly that ive enjoyed it...yours?

 

well i feel the the pointers that you put down as either a achievement or acknowledgement to add to your 'lifes philosophy' were well said, i am glad you have gained from it.

when reading your reply i didnt know if you wanted any more advice so did you? sorry i didnt find that clear, but im glad that youve learnt from it.

 

my self esteem ... well i would know where to put it in a catagory i feel that im fine, i guess, ive never really thought about it. sometimes when you consider things too much you can make a small issue into a large one. so i dont think im going to think over it at the moment, i believe im ok in myself.

 

well was there anything else you would like to add or ask?

thanks though, i also feel i have learnt things from what you have put and i will take on some of the things you have listed.

kel.

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I guess I consider people who hate others for no good reason failures, people who have unhealthy appetites and do nothing to control themselves.

 

I hate the manipulative types who go out of their way to put others down to feed their unhealthy lust for advancement. The problem is that our society is based upon misunderstanding and false hopes and we use rules to contain ourselves and our own growth on our own personal journey.

 

If you are unhappy with A's and B's and those same grades make me happy it is only my perceptions and your perceptions of their true value that mean anything. Getting a B in a class doesn't mean that I didn't do my best it means that the professor has a different view of what he is looking for and another professor might have seen the paper differently and given me another grade, or maybe I presented myself wrong or whatever the "situation" was, I don't say to myself "you failed to get an A in that class, thus you are a failure!" If that is what you think. I don't do that...I would be a fat and lonely lump of clay if I let other people's appraisals of me hurt me or change me.

 

It is difficult to be me, much of the time, I struggle with depression and self esteem issues and I hate personal criticsm and comparisons. But that is life--when folks hurt you, like they will, you try to forget about it as quick as possible or pretend that they didn't really mean things as harshly as they cameout. That is the key to take others at their face value and learn what you can about each and every person that you meet!

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Neva

 

No, nothing else, thank you. I was just expressing my thanks. Take care, I'll look for forward reading you.

 

Sister

 

The problem is that our society is based upon misunderstanding and false hopes and we use rules to contain ourselves and our own growth on our own personal journey.

 

But do we absolutely have to obey these rules?

 

I would be a fat and lonely lump of clay if I let other people's appraisals of me hurt me or change me.

 

I would have to agree with that. Others can hurt you only if you allow them to. As long as you have control over your thoughts, you are a fortress, nothing can reach in unless you allow it to.

 

But that is life--when folks hurt you, like they will, you try to forget about it as quick as possible or pretend that they didn't really mean things as harshly as they cameout.

 

I have a different opinion on that. Like I said, should you allow someone to hurt you by their comments, I don't think you should forget it ever happened. I don't think forgetting is a very constructive reaction to something in any kind of situation at all. Only if we remember, can we understand why something happened and thus have better chances to prevent it from happening again. I believe in forgiveness, but I don't forget. Some might say forgiving is truly forgetting, but I disagree with that. There only so much you can accept. Forgetting, in my opinion, is about the same thing as pushing things under the carpet. I think you should remember Sister, just so you can prevent those who hurt you to ever hurt you again.

 

As far as people being harsh, I personnaly won't take responsability if someone acts like a bitch towards me. Even if they didn't mean to, they did. Actions speak louder than words. What is done is done, it's up to them to repair whatever damage they've done. I think understanding why someone acts this or that way, give us a more objective perception on things and facilitate the acceptation of what happened. But understanding is one thing, accepting that someone disrespects you is another. I think that if you respect yourself, you shouldn't allow anyone to disrespects you. If someone means to hurt someone else, you can decide not to be hurt by what is said (to some extent) but not saying anything and going for a static (non-active) understanding of things isn't the answer, I believe. It's best to fight complete immorality with complete morality (Gandhi).

 

Some more of my thoughts...

 

Etienne

 

AKA

 

Omega Man

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Send Ganghi out to my house and my brothers will have him running for the door, I am talking about people who pick on my past rather than create a life for themself. They think that all criticism is constructive and go insame if i do turn about on them. This is a double standard that I am living under, this may not occur as often in canada, because like you said, people are more polite there and turn the other cheak, however, here in the Great US, people will smack you when you are down. They see being nice as a weakness.

 

For me becoming vulnerable to the comments of others has made me so much more empathetic and kind toward others, however, when I go to my family's house it turns into the Lord of the Flies: drunk people are allowed free range, past issues are brought up, and ugly emotions are expressed.

 

I have a very sarcastic sense of humor however, my family sees this as impolite. So now am I forced to muzzle my point of view when I am openly criticized by others? Also I have lately become obstinant and controlling, which I find works well with poeple I can see eye to eye with; however, this does not work in the situation that well because these people talk behind my back, make up stories to illustrate their hatred towards me and blame me for things that I never did, or if I told the truth they said I lied. This gets old year after year.

 

The truth be told I also get bored of boring people very easily, I hate all falsehood and I am growing stonger by the second....I'll be turning into the Hulk in a few minutes!!

 

Sorry about that, I was just illustrating something!!

 

No, Etienne, we don't have to follow the rules of society, only of common sense and ethics, which seems to vary from kingdom to kingdom.

 

By forgetting, I meant to stop obsessing. Not the total lack of remembrance, that almost never happens with me!! I also never really forgive certain offenses. They are always there, they just don't bother me if I don't actively recall them. Actually, i find that writing out my gievances here on this websight helps me to forget, also.

 

I also try and stay positive and in the moment to help with the small day to day grievances. But no, truth be told, I never really forget things either, I just actively keep focused on the small occurrences, take great joy in any goodness that comes my way, look on the positive side of every cloud, that sort of talk. So if I am working in the present and keep focused on something new and exciting all the time, I don't have to worry, I guess that is what I am trying to avoid, worry, over things that I can't control.

 

I spent several years as a depressed person, now mostly I am not, however, I do feel those stings of deprecation, occasionaly, I try to remain focused on what I have accomplished to help me get over these past grievances, however, I have a whole family of people who would like me to remember the time I did,,,,maybe I shouldn't get into that here on a public forum. When I was a child I behaved the way I thought best, now I am an adult and I can make up my own mind about what is real and what is imagined.

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Oops, I didn't notice you there was a new reply, sorry Sister.

 

Send Ganghi out to my house and my brothers will have him running for the door, I am talking about people who pick on my past rather than create a life for themself. They think that all criticism is constructive and go insame if i do turn about on them. This is a double standard that I am living under, this may not occur as often in canada, because like you said, people are more polite there and turn the other cheak, however, here in the Great US, people will smack you when you are down. They see being nice as a weakness.

 

If Ghandi showed up with his thousands indian followers, I think your brother would probably jump out of the windows . But do you still live with your brothers, at home? I'm not too sure about the differences betweem CANADA VS USA...

 

For me becoming vulnerable to the comments of others has made me so much more empathetic and kind toward others, however, when I go to my family's house it turns into the Lord of the Flies: drunk people are allowed free range, past issues are brought up, and ugly emotions are expressed.

 

Empathy is the ability to experience the subjectivity of someone's universe in order to understand his situation. I don't think empathy and vulnerability goes necessarily hand-in-hand. That's what they teach us in class, at least. They explain that's one of the danger of empathy, is to forget to put a barrier between you and your client.

 

Ah lord of the Flies, William Golding, what a great book wasn't? Kill the pig, drink it's blood, and so on. Why do think all those things are happening in your family? Have you considered limiting your visits?

 

I have a very sarcastic sense of humor however, my family sees this as impolite. So now am I forced to muzzle my point of view when I am openly criticized by others? Also I have lately become obstinant and controlling, which I find works well with poeple I can see eye to eye with; however, this does not work in the situation that well because these people talk behind my back, make up stories to illustrate their hatred towards me and blame me for things that I never did, or if I told the truth they said I lied. This gets old year after year.

 

Intellectual conformity is the death of the soul. Someone doesn't respect you if he doesn't allow you to be yourself, that's it. You have the right to express yourself and be yourself, that's one of the great things in North America.

 

The truth be told I also get bored of boring people very easily, I hate all falsehood and I am growing stonger by the second....I'll be turning into the Hulk in a few minutes!!

 

Just try to be away from your computer when you assume your Hulk shape, otherwise you won't be able to reach the board for a while . What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger (Nietzche), you were surely well aware of this quote, but I think this is what's happening just now.

 

I spent several years as a depressed person, now mostly I am not, however, I do feel those stings of deprecation, occasionaly, I try to remain focused on what I have accomplished to help me get over these past grievances, however, I have a whole family of people who would like me to remember the time I did,,,,maybe I shouldn't get into that here on a public forum. When I was a child I behaved the way I thought best, now I am an adult and I can make up my own mind about what is real and what is imagined.

 

I can sense a lot of pain behind all this, maybe I'm wrong though. I don't see any harm from speaking about just about anything here to be honest. I've told things here that are just so personnal. It's completely ANONYMOUS though, this is A PERFECT defense I think.

 

Take Care Sister.

 

Omega Man

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You are right about the empathy, vulnerablity, problem leading to a lack of barriers, this is something that i am continuously stuggling with, I just have a brain that is hard to categorize, I remember being really young and when we were given exercises on discrimination between alternaltives, I could never choose well, because I could see the arguments on both sides so well.

 

My brother is a big 300 lbs guy who cleans pools for a living, he would have to listen to Gandhi very closely to get much out of him, and my brother has a very religious side , so I assume that he would take on that sort of curiosity toward Gandhi as well...so why is it a sin for me to hug him? Not Gandhi, my brother? I have been going through all of these changes lately and wanted to become closer to my family as well, so why can't I hug my brothers?

 

My one brother in law is very homophobic, and he told me it means that I am gay because I am becoming a psychologist. What is the logic behind that? I am 37, have been with my husband since we were 16 and 18 years old, I have not had contact with a female in a sexual encounter, in my life! Now all of a sudden my older brother in law wants me to tell him that I am gay because I would like to help others understand their emotions better and speak their minds more freely?!?

 

If anyone can help me make sense of that one i would really like it! To limit my contact with them more would hurt my son who is an only child, he wouldn't be able to see his cousins who are basically like his brothers and sisters, since he has only those as his relatives, I would hate to limit the contact he has with them.

 

Another strange habit of my family is that they talk about cheating and divorce quite a bit. Almost compulsively, and this makes me very uncomfortable. I think that they maybe think that my husband is "running around on me" and the changes that they see in me maybe confirm that i am getting ready to leave him. Which I am not, but -- you never can tell what will happen in the future. I am actually pretty happy in my life and see that they maybe are a little old fashioned in their ways of thinking and behaving, I am not sure if this is the religion that is holding them back, or if they just don't see any reason to progress in their life styles.

 

Omega Man, you one time told me that you were looking for an anglo central culture to live in, and I wonder if England isn't the only truly anglocentral culture that there is ?? It made me wonder what it would be like to live in Spain, without the anglo-centered mentality. I have seen it on TV with the bike race that just went through there, and except for the Castles, it reminded me a lot of California.

 

Brazil, I hear has a very "Machismo" attitude, but they also have a higher % of gays, I thought that was pretty interesting!!

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