Advice needed

[Kez]

Hi I'm new on here, I would be thankful for some advice.

 

Here goes: My partner has just walked out on me and my son (not my son's real dad). He suffers from SA (Social Anxiety Disorder), and around february time the doctor put him on Prozac, everything seemed to be going ok, except his mood swings, which I understood as I have had depression for the past 10 yrs on and off. Anyways at the beginning of September, he took himself off the pills without seeing his Doctor first, then he started acting weird, he started talking to a girl on the net and she had a condition too, she told him she used to cut herself and that she wrote poems (morbid poems). I came home from work one day and noticed that he had cuts on his hand, I asked him what they were and he said he had been playing with the dog and the dog had scratched him. I was kinda weary about this, he then starts writeing dark poems, I'm like wth is he doing. Anyways I'm getting really mad because he's talking to this girl, and she seems to be putting stuff into his head, plus there was jealousy there. I came home one day he said he wanted to show how much he loved me and wrote me a poem, he said he would get a job and that he would buy me flowers every week. I was still not liking the fact he was talking to this girl, and played up a bit, but let him get on with it. We argued further and he started to get kinda cold. A week later he walked out, and left me in tears, he called me later that day and said sorry, said he loved me alot but he couldnt be with me because he didnt want to hurt me anymore. We were going to do like a trial thing where we saw each other a couple of times a week and thats it, he said we both needed to get a life and go out and have fun. Which was fair enough, I agreed to it. I had been talking to this girl he had been talking to andher b/f, he then tells me that my partner says he loves his g/f and that he was talking about getting an air ticket and going over to see, you can imagine how I felt when I was told this, so I asked him about it and he was like yeah I did say that etc. I ended the relationship completely a couple of days later, and he said he was waiting for me to do it. He became infatuated with this girl in the states, he waited up for her for 32 hours straight... He then denied he had any feelings for her, and said he was a fraud, and he said this to the girls b/f so obviously he went back and tols hid g/f, and she wasnt very happy at all, she blocked him from msn and told him where to get, but he wouldnt let it drop, he emailed her and said sorry and that he lied about not having feelings for her and said that he thought if he denied it he would be ok etc. Well she basicaly told him she didnt care, told him she didnt like him, told him where to get yet again, and lots of other stuff. She told me she almost felt as though he was stalking her... There is a big age gap between me and my ex, but he's mature for his age, he is 18 and I am 29. He took my son on as his own and my son loves him to bits just as I do. Thing is.... will he snap out of this thinking he loves someone god knows how many miles away, and will I be able to rekindle our relationship when he does? I'm just going to let him get on and have fun, he talks to girls on the net, but says he doesnt want a relationship just friends. Do I hold out for him, but at the same time go and have my fun? He thought we had a crap relationship, but that was only because we never went anywhere, we got on really well, we listened to each other, we loved each other, we were right for each other, we just needed to get a life and go out more. We are still friends and we still get on really well. Sorry for blabbering on, but I needed to get it off my chest. I'm hoping we both get lifes and learn how to have fun then maybe he will see a new me and fall in love with me again, or maybe thats just wishful thinking.....

 

 

Thanks

 

Kerrie

[DREAM]

Hi there,

 

Ok you do have a bit of a problem there, I guess you need to see that he is still young compared to you and has taken on so much at a young age, example your son, he prob loves him to bits but men don't understand what kind of responsibility it is to take on a fully grown made family, seeing your son is one but actually taking him on is another.

 

Your partner should really be out there living it with the rest of the 18 olds. In your case you have been there and done that, but he has not. He has prob felt pressed even though he has not mentioned it and the only way to deal with it is to communicate on the out side, without hurting you, cos I do feel he really does love you, but its like they say he wants the cake and eat it too. He wants you but also experience other things.

 

You did the best thing by letting him go and see the out side for him self, and if its meant to be he will be back. But in the mean time try to still stay in touch and try to be a bit more understanding and stand by him, that's what he needs.

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Kerrie

 

I believe you ex needs to get proffesional help, he doesnt seem to be in control of his actions or emotions, so his judgement is out of whack.

 

Its best if this is handled by a third party, maybe his family or a mutual good friend, to convince him of getting help.

 

As for, going out and having "fun", well I would suggest you take some time off for yourself first, put guys on the shelf for now, get your life in gear. later youll be in better position to decide what you want to do. having flings now, may seem like a quick solution, but all they will do is complicate matters and they wont do very much for what your feeling now.

[Kez]

Yeah thats what I am trying to do, but he says he is not "in love" with me, but he does love me alot. I sat here one night and let him pour his heart out to me about the girl in the states, even though it hurt me. I have also said I think there is something there between us still, but he more or less said he didnt want it. I'm just going to let him have his fun and I'm going to have mine too. Who knows what will happen in the future

[Kez]

Well... what I am feeling now is lots of heartache I am on anti depressants, and theres no way I would have flings, I'm just not that kind of person, and it would be unsettleing for my son. I also agree with you about him needing help, I told him to go to his doctor and seek counceling, but he has this thing in his head that if he does go the docotor will sit there and have ago at him for coming off his pills. I have even offerd to go with him. Reguaring his family I think he feels as though he has no one to talk to, in his family, his mum is ALWAYS busy.... I have said this a few times, she needs to realise her son has changed and not for the good, she needs to sit down with him and spend time with him finding out what is wrong etc. I feel helpless, also I feel as I don't know what to do for myself. I'm going to see a counciler next week, as I also have baggage from the relastionship I had with my son's father, and no I didnt have much of a childhood myself. I was with my son's dad from the age of 14 to the age of 26 Go me

[DREAM]

Its true, it may come to a point where you might not wanna be with him, and he may feel the same, but its true you have your fun and let him have his, you may love him but just think he is going through some point where he may just be realizing a few things him self and also its not to good for you or you son for him to be around, let him be and find his own way back. Think he just needs space.

[Kez]

Yeah I agree with you.

[Kez]

Oh and what I forgot to tell you is that I moved countys and away from family and friends to be with him. I was talking to him last night, and he came out with that he is used to emotional pain and if he wasnt then he couldnt have hadled breaking up with me and the stuff with the girl in america, I said well it didnt even bother you when you walked out, his reply was this "It bothered me,.. I broke down crying when I typed that 'a lonely girl' to Louise.." Lonely girl is a poem that he had written for me. I said I thought he said he didnt care what he was in and that he could never be my partner again, I asked for a reason and he couldnt give one, he said there is a reason but I just don't know it He said he wasnt sure if he's not in love me, then he said he is pretty sure This is all confusing. He does love me and care for me. Also whats puzzleing me is that the week before he left he said "I'm going to show how much I love you, I'm going to get a job, and buy you flowers every week.", I honestly don't understand. I'm confused, hurt and down. I can't just cut ties with him, I have no one here but him and his family, and my son would be devestated. I just want him back I know I need to let go, but how.

[Kez]

Also if someone could get in touch with me via msn or icq that would be great, I need someone to talk to.