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HELP! I did not marry for Love and need Advice.


LilSassy1
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My husband and I have been married for 10 years, we have 4 kids. I married my husband because I wanted to get married and thought the love would "just happen". Well it hasn't and I think he feels the same way. When my husband and I are "alone" without kids around it is is so arkward, we are just like friends and not married people. There is no physical touch, etc., except for the occasional sex. I have not heard the words "I love you" in 10 years on our wedding day. He never initiates a conversation with me except to tell me something factual, like "I have an appointment, or something about the kids" never asks me about myself. I don't know what to do. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I want to know love and be in love and have someone love me. The only happiness I have and love is from my little children. Has anyone "been there" words of advice - I feel I am all alone and I have abolutely no body to share this with. I am living a lie.

 

Sassy

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well, if it comes down to it, you can always get divorced. i think that should be your last option though because of your children, but if thats the only thing that can help, then do it. it seems like you don't know your husband very well, it seems weird that you would feel awkward when you are alone with him. maybe you both should go out & do something fun together. get to know him well, so that you can talk to each other about everything & not just factual things. maybe you can fall back in love with each other. obviously, if he told you he loved you on your wedding day, then there could still be love there. you could try going to a marriage counsler also.

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I agree... why not plan a vacation for just the two of you? There won't be any distractions or things to worry about. You can focus on him, and he on you. This could also be a perfect time to make new memories just for the two of you to share, and in essense this will create a stronger bond between you two!

 

After reading your post, I do feel sorry for you. No one should feel unloved from their significant other. I wish you the best....

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Hello Sassy,

 

How awful... I am so sorry for you. You need to do something quick... that is not a good situation. Have you tried to initiate dates with your husband or outings for just the two of you, or a vacation for just the two of you? One thing a lot of people forget when they're married is that the marriage requires one to do certain things that one might not want to do or have the money to, but the marriage still requires it. Make sense? I was married for almost 11 years and my first husband ended up cheating because we grew apart and he was in the military, so that didn't help. He was rarely home and, like you, I rarely wanted sex with him. However, unlike your situation, he seemed to want it all the time and it was annoying. I married him for the wrong reasons too. We divorced and my son was only 10. He is 15 now and he is fine. I am remarried to my new husband whom I love very much, and he is my soulmate, I just know it, even though we have our share of problems, our strong love for one another holds us together and I could never imagine living without him.... Don't stay together "just for the kids"..... your life will be over before you know it and you'll look back and realize that you wasted precious time that was meant to be for your happiness. If your kids make you happy, that's great, just figure out what does make you happy. The gift of life is just that... a gift that is precious and meant for happiness. Don't allow this charade to continue, talk to your husband with sternness and honesty and respect. Tell him exactly how you feel. What have you got to lose? If you can work it out and get the loving feelings flowing, that is wonderful! But if you can't, you know that you are strong enough to be without him, and being alone with your kids, happy, is better than being miserable with him and having all your opportunities knocking somewhere else.

Good luck girl!

Princess777

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Get a grip people!! Do you really think that after 10 years of a loveless marriage, going on vacation together will make you fall in love. If you weren't in love when you got married 10 years ago, it's certainly not going to happen now! If you think you're doing your kids a favor by staying in a loveless marriage, think again. Kids are very perceptive and they'll probably be more damaged growing up with two parents who have no relationship, than they will as the kids of divorced parents.

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Sassy,

 

I am going through almost the same thing(only without the kids) and I feel for you. It is not an easy time and can be very stressful. I lost what was probably the love of my life because I wasn't patient and wanted to hurry and get married so I basically married the first guy who asked. VERY DUMB... After 6 years of marriage I have had enough of his junk and realized that I loved him but I wasn't "in love" with him.

 

This is a hard time but it WILL get easier. Be strong, you deserve the best!!

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You are not alone in your feelings of being in a loveless relationship. What to do is your question, and although it is impossible to comment on specific problems my advice would be to have a look at an excellent book that I found in the library when doing some soul searching with a similar problem to yourself. It really does answer the burning question of whether the relationship has got any life left in it. Not a difficult read, you just answer specific questions and a kind of diagnosis is performed on your particular relationship. Takes the pressure off you a bit and brings home some realities. Book is 'Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay' by Mira Kirshenbaum. Hope I've not broken any rules by recommending it. PS – Your kids sound as though they are loving, that is positive.

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Get a grip people!! Do you really think that after 10 years of a loveless marriage, going on vacation together will make you fall in love.

 

I just wanted to add here in response to this: Stranger things have happened! True, going on one vacation will not solve all this woman's problems and I don't think anyone here thought that at all. However, it can be a start to TRY to save the marriage. No one in their right mind should just walk away from 10 years of marriage after realizing that they may have married for the wrong reasons, and especially if there has been no infidelity... she most likely wants to at least attempt to save the marriage, but in the event that she cannot, at least she can look back and know in her mind that she did everything she could to save it. Guilt is an awful thing to carry upon oneself and the suggestions of trying to "fall" in love were to assist her in not feeling guilty later on, should it not work out and a divorce occurred. She will probably end up getting the divorce but if she did so without trying to save it first, she would most likely regret it later.

Princess777

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I completely agee with Princess777... True, a vacation won't fix things right away, but you can start to rebuild a foundation for love to grow. You have to give it a try because you dont want to look back and think "Could I have done this... what if I had done that..." Of course, if all your efforts lead to a dead end, divorce might be the best option. Only as a last resort though.

 

Wish you the best!

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Well, the damage is done. You took a risk 10 years ago and you are realizing that it was not a good one.

 

So what are you waitiing for? Another 10 years to pass you by? Your going to have to do alot of tough choices soon. I think you know what that is. You need to leave this marriage and seek what your heart desires. I know there are children involved, but you have to stay positive. If your husband feels the same as you, you two can have a healthy relationship after the divorce. Not all divorces are ugly.

 

And think of your kids too? What kind of message are you setting for them? You are showing them that what you two have is what a marriage is!!

 

I've been in there shoes, I know what is like to grow up in an environment where it was civil, but NO love. It has taken many many years to solve alot of issues that stemmed from that.

 

Your heart is telling you something, and you realize it. Don't ignore it! Or you will wake up 30 years later, old and full of regrets.

 

Lots of luck luv!

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