PLEASE COMMENT; an observation in relationships

[Prince]

Hey everyone. I need to know something about break ups etc.

 

You see, this topic sought has to do with the differences between males and females and the way they react to emotional pressure. I have noticed that most of the writers whom post topics saying they are depressed after breakups... are men (with exceptions, but this is generally the case). Now. The reason they are so insanely depressed, as one would deduce, is because the relationship they have just exited was deep and at least significant. Now this is not to say females don't feel the same depression, but they simply don't express it the same. Why?

 

This is a generalisation. I know. But it seems to be the case. When ever I have had relationship difficulties, it is always me, the guy, who gets worked up, jumping to conclusions, and wrecklessly trying to contact my significant other. Now, the girl always seems to get silent and detached for sometime.

 

Guys attitude: "What have I done. Why has this happened"

 

Girls attitude: "He's better off without me. It wouldn't have worked anyway"

 

Please give opinions. Women especially, 'cause this really confuses me. You see, up until a while ago I believed that males and females were the same (stupid me) but for biological factors and all those hormones. But is this behaviour biological? Or is this socialogical? Or am I wrong?

 

Ps: If this post seems sexist, simple minded or generalistic I apologise. But I have observe this to be the case.

[persephonesleeps]

when a relationship ends, I think that the person who was the most emotionally involved hurts the most

 

I have seen both men and women take it really hard...what I have noticed is that who ever had the highest hopes, took the most risks, disclosed the most, etc...tends to end up feeling really burned

 

you might notice more men on here because women can usually talk about such things with their women friends...where as men may not be able to talk with their male friends about their feelings?

 

maybe men are more reluctant to cry, etc...in front of their male friends becuase they may be teased or ridiculed...but they can post here and be supported by others who relate to how they are feeling

[sisterlynch]

I think that women depend more on their girlfriends and moms for support in making emotional desicions, while men often don't have a close confidant other than their wife or girlfriend!

 

So when a man looses his wife or girlfriend, he not only misses the physical aspects but the emotional aspects as well. Men don't open up to other men, so they go to a psychologist or female friend to see how things are.

 

If the man doens't have a female friend and doesn't want to go to a psychologist, then this is a good place as it is anonymous and men are more likely to use the computer for recreational purposes than women are.

 

Women will get on their hottest outfit and go to a bar and meet men!

 

For men it may not be that easy to get another woman so quick, so they need to come here to have their heart and confidence sown together by a list of I have been there man and you can do better's that probably do tend to help in some abstract way!

[brosiamarie]

hmmm from my perspective I do believe that men can get more emotional dont get me wrong so do girls but for some reason men tend to take it alot harder. They are alot weaker when it comes to the emotional factor they become emotional dependent. Women tend to be stronger there in that area, they still hurt from a breakup ,but they can control it alot better. Also as posted above women can open up easier and talk about there feelings unlike men they bottle it up inside. At least one thing is for sure after a break up both sides do feel the pain and hurt.

[diverp]

I know that from my experience, I agree that men tend to make things more emotional than women tend to (exactly the opposite of what you would think the stereotype would be). I know that in my last relationship, my ex usually saw it as a sign of weakness to contact me (even if she was feeling lonely and wanted to be with me). So it was up to me to extend the olive branch and try to move forward. When we split up, things changed radically. SHe essentially "blocked" our relationship and, would still feel saddened from the loss, but seemed to have a clearer mind about moving on. Whereas, I was so confused and looked for many reasons as to what I did and what I could have done differently. She was the one and there had to be a way to fix it. I think men tend to want answers to justify pain. If they don't find them it is very depressing. Whereas women tend to be able to accept things for face value (I think), men tend to read a lot into things in order to get justification. All I know is that I really couldn't talk to my friends about what I was feeling. I had no female friends who I felt comfortable in sharing this. Message boards can be a little impersonal, but better than no contact at all. I still like the idea of personal contact with someone to vent. A year and a half ago I felt like the most well adjust person in the world, whereas now I question everything about myself and relationships and have gone to a therapist to get over the contantly nagging depression. I remember many times comforting my ex when she was depressed and even suicidal at one point (from past things, not us). However, I vented once with her and broke down crying and from that point on she treated me like I was damaged and not strong enough for her. Now, if that isn't confusing to a man, I don't know what is. I know it doesn't happen with all women. I do agree that men tend to hang on longer and women tend to be able to move on faster (not neccessarily get over, but move on).

[tonyatl]

Maybe it is as simple as the fact that Women pick Men. Men have little less control on who they choose and get as mates. Hence, we tend to feel that we will never be able to replace them.

 

The ironic thing is as long as we are submitting to depression, we will never meet the next and in my experience better mate. This is just one of the costs of a breakup -> Opportuntity Costs. When I add the rest of your investment (time, money, emotional committment) I will make sure (to the best of my ability) to avoid a breakup situtation as much as possible. How? By not giving to much too soon, never ever giving up my social network, and qualify early!

[diverp]

To a point I think you are right. Depending on the woman, they do seem to choose the man. I remember that with my ex, I went out with her for about 6 weeks before she was actually in a position to be "serious". The turnaround for her was when I sent her roses at work. For the first few months after that, we were inseperable. She really didn't accept me being around my friends. She didn't accept me being around my family. SHe had a bad relationship with her family and has always been more of a loner. However, she has gone through about 20+ boyfriends and she is only 32. (I think the count I was told was 28). She was married once. She had essentially had a lot of bad relationships. Now, how does someone go through that many relationships and not find someone to settle with? She told me that I was the first person she had been with who was worth while. She told me I definitely "raised the bar". Now we are apart (partially because of my actions I know). I am finally getting to a point where I feel like I do deserve to be happy and have a good relationship and I am going through our past relationship and I am unsure where the snowballing started. I do know that it seems like things weren't really one person's fault, it just seemed to be me doing something wrong in the relaitonship, then her doing something, and it got to a point where what we had was gone and replaced with a distant version of what we did have. I always have this feeling in the back of my mind that given time, and if we crossed paths again, we could try again with a fresh start. But then again maybe I am just naieve and wishing. WHo knows, only time will tell, and filling that time up just sucks.

[idunno]

the answer to me can be found in the lyrics from the song "superman" from eminem

[blueyed99]

I agree - the person who has the most hope & dreams in the relationship is the one who "usually" suffers more. Or, the person who has given up things or given more .. that is, disconnected from friends or cut off from the world so to speak, is the person who also will suffer greatly.

 

I recently broke up with someone I was involved with, on and off, for eight years. The first time we broke up {I brokeup with him then too} was three years ago - six months after we had gotten engaged. I told him I was having second thoughts about our relationship, about being with anybody at that time because of what I was going through and couldnt handle the pressure of a relationship. He was devastated. And angry. I wasn't. And, that didn't mean I didnt love him. I had something else going on in my life at the time {health-related issue so it was important} and I couldnt deal with the stress of a relationship.

So what did he do? HE got his life together .. he stated going out and making friends and joined the health club where we used to belong {where we met initially, actually} and started feeling really good about himself again. When my health turned around, i reached out to him but he consistently blew me off. He was angry and refused to see me. I started calling him on a daily basis. I know .. I know .. and everytime I'd hang up the phone I'd be in tears. He was so cruel to me and consistently blew me off, seemed to be talking about me behind my back and so forth.

He had started to date other people and wasnt really into even seeing me. I was relentless. I wanted him back and finally, eight months later we reconnected and got back together. But, he was never the same in the relationship. He wasn't the same wonderful decent kind person he was when i met him up until the first time I broke up with him. He wasnt as loving and he wasnt as compassionate - he didnt seem to care as much. he kept his independence. i felt more lonely than I ever had before. He kept his friends and his life distant from me and I got the feeling that there were things he was hiding. The relationship had "reversed" and now he was the one who was obviously in the drivers seat. I think its burned once - twice shy. I tried so hard to get it back but I couldn't. He had changed - most likely as a result of the devastation he felt when our relationship ended the first time.

 

He wasn't going to put his hand in the fire again.

 

I just broke up with him for the second and last time about three weeks ago. I saw him out with this girl, holding hands mind you, {when he was supposed to be out of town on business and wasnt answering his cell phone the entire day}. I think they work together. Now I know they had started seeing eachother and/or he was obviously cheating on me for I dont know how long. I called him that same day and broke the relationship off immediately, said I knew what was going on. I didnt even listen to his explanation. And, this time? the second time around? I'm definitely more devastated than he is. I miss him soo much but I cannot go back and I cannot let him know, because I feel like the complete underdog. Someone who betrays your trust after all that time doesn't deserve another chance. So, he'll never know it but I sit here and cry and grieve in silence. I'll never let him see my pain.