Mixed Messages

[marloborolights]

I fell for one of my best mates a few months back, and we’ve recently been spending more time together and getting to know one another better, mainly because we now travel to college together. (We catch the train now as I no longer have a car). Anyway he doesn’t know that I’m gay or have feelings for him, and I don’t know whether he is gay or straight, confused, whatever. I’ve been trying to work it out for ages now but I’m only getting more and more confused and not really getting anywhere with it nor him. But now it’s all going down hill. I thought we liked each other cos we got on really well and stuff, and he does quite a few things to make me think that he’s gay but I’ve now come to the conclusion that even if he is, he’s obviously not interested in me. There’s a lot of mixed messages involved. Anyway I only have a few minutes to write this so I’m going to have to skip quite a lot – my apologies – he sent me a text message this afternoon saying that he won’t be getting the train because he’s gonna go to some sports thing after college , ‘sorry its late notice’ etc. I was really annoyed me and made me feel he didn’t care cos it’s our last day at college together before summer break. So after a few minutes of cooling down, I sent him a reply just saying ‘Whatever.’

 

I was hoping that’d be a short and sweet way to show that I wasn’t happy about it. Ten minutes late he replies saying ‘don’t worry changed my mind’ ??? What is that?

 

Basically I want to know if he changed his mind because of his own reasons or because he knew I was pissed off about it? If it’s the latter, then surely that means something?

 

Sorry I’m not sure all that makes sense I’ve just whacked it down in one load cos’ I don’t have any time left.

 

Any comments welcome.

[Zackinlaw]

It seems like you are reading a lot more into the exchange. The tone of his first message does seem to show more than just a "friendship" interest and a concern that it would be wrong not to show up without a word. Your reply "whatever" is the ambiguous one ... he might have asked himself "was it anger or indifference?"

 

In either case, he thought about it and decided to forego his plans and meet you on the train anyway. If I were you, I would be happy about it regardless of his motivation.

 

Zack.

[fredv3b]

First I'd like to put forwards a little theory of mine and then I will explain why it is relevant.

 

There is no question that growing up a closeted gay in a straight dominated world is very different to growing up straight in it. Our experience is hugely different. Except that if you look at it from the point of view of the proverbial Martian actually it really is not that different at all, we have similar parents, go to the same schools, live in the same towns/cities, get invited (or not) to the same parties, listen to (or hate) the same music, etc., etc. The difference is not that our experiences are objectively different it is just that we feel differently about them. For example, being asked casually by a friend if he is attracted to a particular girl and replying, "not particularly" or changing the subject would be an emotional non-event for a straight guy, but for a closeted gay guy its a crushing reminder of the fact he is gay, (virtually) everyone else is straight and he can't say anything about how he feels.

 

he does quite a few things to make me think that he’s gay but I’ve now come to the conclusion that even if he is, he’s obviously not interested in me.

 

I've re-read your original post and I have come to the conclusion that even if he is gay he (very likely) has no idea you are. Forgive me if I am wrong, but I reckon that you think carefully about what you say and how you say it to him, how to very gently suggest that you are gay and are interested in him, you think carefully about everything he says and how he says it, looking for any suggestion that he might be gay. I don't think that he has any concept of how much of what every conversation means to you.

 

I think you are over analysing everything, its perfectly natural, but it still is over analysing. I think that you need to accept that he has no concept of the effect that what he says has on you.

 

Just my thoughts...

[marloborolights]

You're right about me over analysing everything, it's true. But even if he had no idea I was gay a week ago, he ought to have an idea now because I foolishly rang him at about 1.30am the other night while I was drunk. He asked why I rang and I said I didn't actually know, anyway we talked for about 10 minutes but it was quite awkward.

 

If someone rang me at that time for no apparant reason then I'd be asking myself why so I'm sure he did the same thing. But I have a feeling I won't be hearing from him any time soon.

[fredv3b]

But even if he had no idea I was gay a week ago, he ought to have an idea now because I foolishly rang him at about 1.30am the other night while I was drunk. He asked why I rang and I said I didn't actually know, anyway we talked for about 10 minutes but it was quite awkward.

 

If someone rang me at that time for no apparant reason then I'd be asking myself why so I'm sure he did the same thing. But I have a feeling I won't be hearing from him any time soon.

 

I'm sorry to be blunt but when someone rings me at 1:30am for no apparent reason I generally assume they are drunk, and as far as I know I've yet to be wrong about this. Did you actually say how you felt or, at least, suggest it? I you did then that's a different matter, but if you didn't then why would he suspect something more than drunkeness?

 

P.S. Avoid drunken phone calls, they're never a good idea.

[mitch17]

does your friend ever talk about girls? like if he fancies them or whatever. a good way to tell is by his walk, gay people walk differently

[fredv3b]

gay people walk differently

 

Just out of curiosity, how do we walk differently?

[marloborolights]

well even i would admit that, to a certain extent. i don't think it's explainable but i think it's true. not in all cases obviously.

 

i think he has a gay walk.