I don't know if I WANT to save my marriage. Try anyway?

[Lanni]

SO, here I am again. My situation hasn't gotten any better. My situation is this: Married 9 years, fell in love with another man, left husband temporarily to figure my heart out, back home again.... still in love with another man.

 

My husband knows what is happening. He is being as supportive as he knows how to be. We are going to meet with a counselor for the first time on Wednesday night.... but I don't have much hope. See, I am completely in love with my "other man". Sadly. He is around my age and has been through amazing things in his life (abandonment by mother, bone cancer, infertility due to cancer, bad marriage, etc). He and I were best friends for quite a while and then fell in love (girls be careful!!! slippery slope). SO, now he is wanting to figure himself out. He is having nightmares and is having troubles. He said that because I have inspired him to be a better person, he wants some time apart to figure himself out and what he wants. He said that he see's me by his side when he imagines his future, but isn't ready yet (dealing with wife and separation also).

 

I don't know what I need. I don't know what kind of advice to ask for. Maybe just for someone to know how hard it is. My husband had a little "indiscretion" early in our marriage and we got past it (which is probably why he is being understanding with me). But honestly, I don't know if I want to try anymore. We only have one chance at this life and I'm afraid I am wasting it with the wrong man. What a mess huh? I miss my friend terribly. When I cry, the tears flow so much I am amazed I haven't run out. I know this is all my own fault. Maybe I want to know if anyone has fallen out of love and successfully found it again? I have so little hope.

[Mar]

Is the grass truly greener on the other side? Nope. I think what it is you're going through is simply a case of someone new, exciting, someone who's not "used to you" and who still feels those warm bunny fuzzies we all feel when we're in a new relationship.

 

Think about your husband. What caused you to fall in love with him? Does he still have those same qualities? When was the last time either of you made an effort just for yourselves, to give you each a new "spark" and a chance to truly be away from everything that makes life mundane and boring, i.e. an exotic vacation, sex in a new place, something daring neither of you have experienced before? Have your feelings for him changed? Do you still love him like you did on your wedding day? And the hardest part of all of this-try to answer these questions objectively, as though you'd never met this other man. The newness of that situation is clouding your judgement of what you have with your husband.

 

Think about what hubby's going through. You said he's being as supportive as he knows how-do you KNOW how hard that is for him? Granted, he had his indiscretion as well, but as you said, you got through that. Still doesn't mean he doesn't love you with every ounce of his being.

 

Marriage is a SACRED VOW. You promised to love, honor, cherish, etc., through good times and bad, all the rest, TILL DEATH DO YOU PART. So now you're ready to leave him because you have this new fling? Are you dying? How long have you known this man? How often have you been together? And, from what I gather, he's not divorced yet either. Who's to say he's going to actually go through it?

 

I have to tell you...DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR MARRIAGE FOR SOMETHING YOU THINK IS BETTER JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE IT. It's NOT. The newness is exciting, the different attitude and the loving lavished on you....but if you think of it, didn't your husband do the same thing? I'm quite sure he did, in his way. And it was exciting then, too. Don't throw away your promise to your husband for this fling, regardless of your feelings for your "friend." Your husband comes first, and unless you have a DAMN good reason for leaving him, you're breaking his heart over what's surely a complete uncertainty, and will probably think of this years down the road when the dream is NOT the reality you thought it would be. Think about this long and hard before deciding that this is what you want.

[amby417]

well, Lanni, I do not normally reply to these post but I was compelled to when i read yours because I am in the almost exact situation. I haven't left my husband (yet). But I to, have a best friend I fell in love with. We were friends for years , then after I got married and moved away we realized we had been in love and never saw it. He is my soul mate! But I have 2 young children with my husband and have been trying to make it work. I have also shut the "other man" out of my life in order to give my marriage a fair chance. but I think of him everyday. I know all about the tears and how can anymore come out.

 

My husband and I have tried counseling ...which I am not sure either of us are into it...but it might help you...maybe even gping by yourself.

 

You know, we do always think the grass is greener...that is why I have tried making this work without the other man in my life. I think you should try figuring out what YOU want for you without either men in your life...imagine if you were without both of them and what do you want for yourself then. Because that could happen...I am not trying to be mean but that has really helped me put things in perspective.

 

The bottom line is you dont need to spend your life being miserable and noone else should MAKE you happy....you need to be happy with your life then let someone come in to enhance that happiness you already have. I also know this is easier said than done...but i really believe it is the way to go.

 

If you guys are really meant to be you will find your way back to each other. (That is what I am banking on. ) Be patient and dont rush it especially if he is going through a lot too...take the time to sort your stuff out. I really hope everything works out.