5 months

[olena]

Hi all,

 

today it's been 5 months since I packed up and left...I suppose in my case it took some time to realise what happened as for about 2-3 months I was completely numbed...maybe the fact that I stayed for a while with a friend did not give me time to realise it straight away...

 

He called me on Thursday to let me know that he would be leaving out cat with a work colleague whilst on holidays back home...It upset me deeply as he knew that I had not seen my cat since april and that I miss him...but still...I told him that there is nothing left to say between us...that all I can remember is all of the arguments in the last 1 1/2 and everything that has been going on...he asked me to calm down...and did not talk much after that...he simply said that he needs time to think of us seriously...and that in the future we will have something to talk about...but not sure what exactely...

I explicitly explained to him that him telling me that he loves me and does not want to lose me is not enough...he said that all he wants is for me to love him and I said that he is no longer giving me a reason...and he said that he will see what he can do about it...

 

I don't expect that he will do anything about it....So I hang up...and have not been in touch with him since Thursday...and he's been back home since Friday...I suppose he no longer needs me...He now has his new house, more confidence than what he had when I met him, and he can travel back home to meet his friends...plans for the future, to set up his own business...

so simply there is no room for me in his life...

 

5 months, and I am still really hurting...I don't feel that I have healed in any way....and I don't know where to start from...how to start forgiving and digesting...and I feel that this is what I need to do...meeting up with friends is just pointless..I simply can not sit and listen to so called friends, separating from one guy they really really love this month and looking for a suitable replacement next month...

 

I have been suffering from too much stress for the last 2 1/2 months and have hardly been able to sleep for more than 4-5 hours every night...and I try to keep busy every day...by going to the gym, having bubble baths and so on to relax, but it's as if I am stack in the moment....the minute I go to bed and try to sleep my mind won't let me...

 

I am becoming increasingly tired physically and certainly emotionnally, and there is too little to look forward to other than managing to get a full night's sleep for now...I feel like I am walking on thin ice, as I am becoming really aggitated....

 

It's hard to smile, and hard for anyone to make me laugh anymore...and all I have is friends telling me what an idiot he is, and that I can get any guy I want right now...and I am simply not interested...I had my hair done to day, in case it makes up my mood...but I have not bothered to look at it twice since this morning in the mirror...

 

Moving on is just words...I wish someone could tell me where to start from, as at the moment, I feel so much pressure, that it feels as if I have been walking for 5 months and I am still at the same spot as when I started this journey...

Saying that...he is probably in lovely Greece right now with his friends...having a few drinks...who? The person that I met as a student 6 1/2 years ago, who was struggling for his degree...and is not a highly paid IT Security Manager at a Pharmaceutical, who just bought a really nice flat...

funny how the wheel has turned and it's now my turn to be emotionally dead....he would never do half of the things that I did for him...and that's what's hurting me the most...the fact that he has not even told me straigh in my face that for him it;s over and instead, he's been trying to keep my hopes up until he is sure that it's over...which results in me feeling sorry for myself...

 

So, for all of you thinking to end a relationship...don't see it as kindness to have to tell your partners that it's only a break...because that's the hardest part...

 

 

Olena

[Coyote9]

Hang in there Olena...I would suggest strongly that you need to not have contact at all with this ex of yours for the time being. I know for me, (I'm 60 days into no contact now), any contact would put me right back in a total funk. I'm still very much hurting but I can tell I'm getting sick of feeling like this and have come to accept my feelings are more about missing the comfort and warmth of the relationship than about her per se. I would not have realized that if I'd continued to see or hear from her, even though NC was her choice before it was mine.

[Clabs]

Hey Olena

 

I feel so sorry for you - 5 months is a long time to be hurting so bad.

 

It sounds like you have gotten yourself into nasty vacum that is holding you from moving on - and because you are stressing, you are not sleeping and it is one vicious cycle.

 

I know a lot of this has to do with your lack of closure. It is very cruel to be left dangling on a string. I never got any closure either - it sucks. But, you have to accept that they are too cowardly to tell you to their face. You have to evaluate the facts that you can see and make that your own closure.

 

I also think it might be a good idea to go and see your doctor to get checked out. It sounds like you are becoming depressed and it might be that a course of mild anti-depressants is all you need to get you kick-started.

 

Take care.

 

Mark

[peaceseeker]

Dear Olena,

 

I'm sorry you are finding it tough, you do have a particular heart-breaking situation to cope with. Try not to pressure yourself to "be anything" that you aren't right now. Who says you should be happy, out dating and feeling healed and content. When it comes down to it, most of the pressure comes from with us. Naturally we want to escape the lingering feelings of loss sadness, betrayal, anger & frustration and we thereforeeee pressurise our selves into believing that we should have healed and be ready to do it all again!~.

 

It's just not like that. There are times in life where all people feel really bad for many genuine reasons. I think this is one of those. Accept it, know it's transient and look forward to the good times ahead.

 

I really think that one of the reasons you feel as you do, is that for the last five months you have been in suspended animation. It is not possible to start to move on from some-one that you love when they say they want to be with you, just not now. Very hard and unfair.

 

Well done for now making a stance, I think it is the right thing for you. He know's how you feel and now needs a whole lot of time and space. You can now take your life and live out some fabulous eventualities. No one knows what the future holds. Your man may find his path back to you, and that may feel right, or he may knock at the door and find your home already full. All are OK, because by that time, you will have healed, moved forward and grown strong as a person.

 

"Moving on is just words...I wish someone could tell me where to start from, as at the moment, I feel so much pressure, that it feels as if I have been walking for 5 months and I am still at the same spot as when I started this journey..."

I think it starts with you deciding that you are unable to live on his terms and moving the focus back from him, to you and your life

 

Have you talked to a psychologist, I found it really helpful with some of my feelings of depression, worthlessness and anxiety.

 

 

I won't blurb on anymore. Don't feel disheartened, there are many of us feeling similar emotions and we can't all be crazy.

 

PS

[rokston]

Hey Olena,

 

So sorry that you are feeling so down. You are in a tough spot and the past 5 months have obviously really worn you down both physically and emotionally. But please try not to despair, you are a great person and things will get better for you.

 

I think the most striking and important conclusion from this limbo period is that you both need to NOT have contact with each other. This has been very difficult to do on both sides but for him he needs NC if he will ever get his head sorted; you need it to allow a healing period and to divert focus from him. Even the most minimal of contact seems to be taking you back - from what you say the events in his life torment you (work, flat etc) so the bottom line at the moment is that what you don't know does not hurt you! You need to do the smart little things that will build up to make you better in the longterm. And he needs to really miss you (it's a gamble you have to take).

 

If at all possible, be philosophical about the situation (only reason I can with my own is because I am having a good day today). You both may love each other very much but unless you distance and he makes an attempt to get you back this relationship will not work. Also you see how the fact that he is getting on with his life is making you want him more because you feel he is confident, happy and stable.... well, he must make the same realization about you as well.

 

Sorry for the long post. I know how tough a time you are having (me too) and that it is easy for people on the outside to be objective.

 

I hope your day gets better. One day at a time I guess.. with my best wishes!

[olena]

Hi all,

 

thanks for the posts...it's somewhat reassuring that other people seem to have gone through a similar phase...I was beginning to wonder if I am losing my mind over this...

 

what you are all saying does make sense...and it's true I need a cooling off period, because for the time being I feel like an atomoc bomb that it's just about to explode any minute...

you are right...the less i know about him at the moment the better...All these do make sense but at times I feel as if I have a pot full of problems and I don't which one to try to resolve first...

 

I ended up over sleeping this morning, and only waking up when a colleague from work called to see if I am allright as they had not heard from me...I rushed into work, saying 'don't ask' to my mentor and things kept coming up all day...until I got about 15 requests from my mentor and kind of opened up and said that I am struggling with workload and other things at the moment...

We will talk about it tomorrow and sort things out to take a bit away a bit of the pressure from work...

Hopefully, it will take some of the stress that I feel away...and I will ask for some time off to go back home and spend some time with my friends and my mum which will hopefully help too..

 

Olena

[rokston]

I think that it is a great idea to take a little time out if possible and gather yourself. If you can be honest with your mentor and get their understanding then it will ease the pressure, which is great for a fresh start period. But keep it in mind that in the longterm focusing on doing well at work is a good thing..

 

As for finding it difficult to follow advice and to know where to start with getting things together... we have all been there (or still are) and found it equally hard to follow our own advice Just say that NC is the start and pick another issue to deal with when you are ready, then just keep ticking them off the list.

 

Good luck!

[olena]

Thanks for that rokston...

 

I do keep in mind that doing well at work is very important, but work has been killing me over the last 3 months or so...so it's adding too much pressure, and it's come to the point that if I get no support with it, I will end up exploding...

 

You are right...NC is probably the starting point in all these...it's hard, but I realise that I am not doing very well at the moment...I have lost me in the process and as I have been supporting and trying to understand someone else all these years, I have completely forgotten what it's like to love me and to support me...I try to treat my self, even if it makes no difference to me, because I don't want to let go of me completely...hopefully with time, I will start enjoying it again...

 

It's funny because in my relationship I never felt deprived of anything...I never felt deprived of going wherever I wanted to, meeting friends, people, progressing with my career etc...so having all this 'freedom' has caught me by surprise as there is nothing that I would have liked to do and wasn't able to...I suppose it's different for him, although I never asked him or stopped him from doing anything that he wanted...so it's difficult to understand why I have become a burden...

 

I realise now I suppose that the standard of my behaviour towards him was very high, and at the same time I have been naive in thinking that relationships are like a mirror-you see what you show...I have hit the ground hard and realised that I should no more expect anything from anyone other than my self...At the moment I am trying to figure out what I expect of me...

 

Being let down by someone you thought highly of is the biggest disappointment...And I trying to cope with everything alltogether, but at least, I am not the only one...

 

He will realise one day...because it will be easy for anyone to love him when he feels happy...but he will always wonder if they would have loved him when he was weak and unconfident...

 

Olena

[olena]

Hi all,

 

I am on day 9 of NC....He has not contacted me, and I have not contacted him...I am hoping to break my previous record of 10 days of NC...

 

This week, I have been busy at work....I had a chat with my mentor on Wednesday, and explained that at the moment, I have too much pressure at work and in my own life in general...I did not go into too much detail, but he seemed to understand that I am having a hard time overall...He made some constructive suggestions on how to cope with work, and kind of backed off from adding more work for the time being...He's just been promoted to CEO and said that in the long run he would need me to catch up with many of the responsibilities that he is leaving behind...He suggested a long holiday in August to calm down...

 

I have been doing a bit better this week...definitely, I have been sleeping better, as a friend recommended some herbal sleeping pills which have helped a lot...and I feel more positive and calm overall...I must admit however, that waking up today (on a Saturday) has made me feel more upset...I suppose, it's because on weekends I have more time for myself, and generally, feel lonely as I have the time to think things through...

 

He is back to London tomorrow evening...and I feel that if he has something to tell me, then he should call me, as I really have nothing new to tell him...If I contact him my self, I will be back to where I was the last time I spoke to him...I still have not made up my mind on whether to answer the phone if he calls...I am inclined not to, so that he get my message, loud and clear...

Maybe, I had been too soft all these years...Too tolerant, and too understanding, and that's why he is doing this to me...

 

One thing that I am gradually realising and one thing that I would do in the future is to stand my ground 100%....less tollerance....less understandment....towards others, and MORE towards my self...

 

I am still hoping that he will come back....but gradually, I am losing all of my expectations...

 

Olena