Why does love turn to hate

[Journey]

I have been in a long distance relatinship for some time. We had been engaged until just last Sunday. We have had conflicts over the last few months more than ever before....and when he got his orders to go overseas next month he began to rage at me. He has a temper already and I am now aware that I have suffered from verbal and psychological abuse during this relationship and of course it escalated over time. I was miserable and hung on....I really didn't want to have him tell me it was all my fault etc...He has a habit of yelling at me and swearing whenever he felt like it.

So HE broke it off with me....if that isn't ironic. He has already placed an ad at a singles site...and of course im concluding his "love"was not real at all. I am not grieving the loss of this overly angry person...I am devastated and feel betrayed and lied to....and very unloved. I am grieving over what I THOUGHT was true..and the love I THOUGHT was there kept me going every day...now where do I go?

[SunnyScott]

OMG! You really need to stay away from this guy before it's too late. He sounds like a very controlling abusive person!

 

Your relationship is NOT healthy, and him placing an add really proves that he's not the committed type and does not care for you...

 

It's tough when grieving, but you'll pull through. I feel really bad for you, your state of mind is fogged up by your emotions, you might feel really irrational, but by staying away from him, you will become more rational and perceptive to his behavior.

 

It's hard for you to see all of the dangers that this guys will put you through because you are in love iwth him. So take my word for it...I hope this helps.

[viettwinkle503]

have an idea of wat ur going thru. i can say it's no fun...but really you gotta experience betrayal to find out true love. it might not make much since now...but when u meet the next 'right' guy. it's much easier to see who's real and who isn't. i've learned this from experience, you will live. even though it may not feel like it. wish u the best!

[simply complicated]

I've said this enough times to everyone who has gotten involved in long distance relationships.....THEY DON'T WORK....how can you love someone when you can't even hold them, or talk face to face, your spreading love through a computer screen, i always thought this was wrong, i don't want to sound like an a$$hole, but lets face it, when it comes to love, you need the person there to hold and love and talk to.

 

As far as what you should do now, move on , I understand your feeling of betrayal, but look at it this way, he psychologically abused, now think about what kind of abuse you could've suffered in person, this guy does'nt know what he wants, so let him get lossed, you need to find someone close to you, someone you can actually see on a regular basis, forget about being betrayed, the guy was simply stupid, your smarter than that.

 

Don't feel betrayed or unloved, these feellings lead to insecurity, give it time and wounds will heal, you'll find someone much better...trust me

[misscitygrl]

I feel bad that ur hurt but iam glad that u finally realize what an abusive relationship u were in.... thats something that women in ur situation have a diffiult time admitting.... and ur lucky that ur relationship was long distance for a while... imagine him abusive like that in person .....

Him moving on so quicly shows that he is not worth ur time or anybody elses for that matter and ur lucky that ur rid of him.......abusive relationships dont lead into anything positive.... so even though u wil definitely miss the good times and his good points... u must be strong and know that u will get thru this... it takes time... dont expect a speedy recovery ...... u feel unloved and lonely but its all completely natural because a big part of ur life suddenly is not going to be around...but think that's for the better and eventually ...hoepfully sooner than later.... u will meet someone truly special who will be well worth u going thru this right now...because this makes u free to meet and be with MR RIGHT... take this as a blessing in diguise.... i don't know if ur religious or not but if u r ...sometimes the BIG GUY above works in mysterious ways....

 

Keep ur head up, live, feel, learn and come out stronger..... u will survive ..even though sometimes it seems like things are hopeless there's always light at the end of te tunnel..u just have to get there.....

 

 

Good luck ... feel better...

if u need to talk...let things out pm me... I know how painful breakups can be.....

 

[Journey]

Thanks to everyone who posted. It has been a week since he dropped the bomb on me and there has been alot of self realization. Misscitygirl, I totally hear you and the "Big Guy" definitely moved on this situation.

I think the hardest part has been that he KEPT his ad at link removed..the whole time we were together. He placed a pic of me and him together but the day he and I split up, off he went posting new pics of himself and talking about how he wants a Christian girl to show him how to live a Godly life. ..That whole ethic was a huge part of our relationship on my end...so I believe he is masking the pain and just looking for someone to replace me and communicate with him....especially since he is being deployed in about a month.

People react differently to loss. Here is where the SELF realization comes in. I learned that I actually had something to do with this disaster by being a practicing rescuing codependant. I used no boundaries with this guy, had a hard time telling him no due to fear of abandonment, and he abandoned me anyways, so I really need MY NO in place. Am reading the book Boundaries..right now. I take my responsibility for my own actions..and for my codependant behavior, and I am able to say I know he did the best he could do. He tried, but in the end his anger killed us both....I can forgive because it is past and I sincerely want to recover from the Coda behavior.

 

Blessings

"J"

[paul475]

...is because it wasn't really love to begin with.

 

It is, "normal," for the romantically inclined to think that when the rocks in their head fit the holes in someone else's that, by golly, they have a relationship.

 

Nope. Romance is about courtship and mating rituals. It's feels like fun because that is the way we are wired. But the sad fact is that infatuation is ALL about projecting our image onto someone else and getting bummed out when they don't match our expectations, or our image, well at all.

 

It's not loving to project my baggage, my wants and my issues onto another person. It is not loving for me to psychically grab my lover by the throat while she grabs me by the nuts. And yet, this is precisely how we end up getting married. It is not enough for a "normal" person to WANT to be with someone, we have to have the extra security of ensuring that a NEED comes into play.

 

"Normal" ain't "healthy." Healthy involves a fair amount of reality and truth in how the two people feel about each other and who they really are. Love is a healthy expression, and romantic infatuation can be that, too, but we have to realize that our ego fantasies are all about concealing our deep hatred of ourselves and others beneath the wholesome motives of being, "normal."

 

Blow right through normal and find healthy. Love is there in my experience. In the meantime, you can try starting at the ending of the relationship. All the disappointment and betrayal and abandonment gets experienced up front, leaving the two partners available to actually let their guards down and, with nothing to prove, move back towards the feeling of falling in love for the first time.

[Color-Is-Blue]

OLA!,

 

Journey I know exactly how you feel i'm in a verbal abusive

relationship right now. examine your feelings and if your

more sad,depress and confuse than happy with him then

I suggest that you move on with your life. You deserve

someone better.GOODLUCK!!

 

 

 

 

 

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I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience most of them, on the whole, are trash. - Sigmund Freud