Not sure what to do

[AusTrist]

Hey there.

My g/f recently broke up with me after nearly 3 yrs. She said that she hasn't been too happy for a while and that was about it. She also said she wasn't sure if she was making a mistake and was upset by everything. She has just got a new job and I wasn't sure if she was stressing about that and yeh. She seems confused and she is only young. She did also message me to say that she just needed some time to figure out what is going on with her and that she is sorry about how it has goe. I am so upset by it and its tearing me up inside but I respect her decision and hope she works everything out. I never got angry at her for doing it because I understand that it is hard for her. She wondered why I was so calm and I told her it was because it was her life and her decision and she should be happy and do what makes her happy. I am trying my best to give her space and time to think but I can't help but message her or call her. I messaged her saying good night each night for the first few nights and sometimes she repleid sometimes not. I called her to see how she was too a couple times and asked if she wanted to see a movie and she was going alright but just told me she would message me about the movies. I messaged her the next day to see how her day was and shereplied but when I asked about the movies I got no response and didnt hear anything from her til saturday when I had sent her a PM on a forum asking for her to please copy me some cds she had recently bought. She said yeh and thats about it. I never messaged her for the rest of the weekend but she messaged me this morning asking how my weekend was. I dunno I was just not going to message her for a few weeks and see what happens but if she initiates contact I wasnt sure whether I should reply. I am just trying to do the right thing by her. I really want her back so bad but I know she needs her space. Should I just let her initiate contact or should I also initiate contact also? I really want to work things out with her I jsut wish I knew how she felt about the whole thing. I am not sure if she misses me or is upset by it all or even thinks about me or getting back together. I know it's early days yet. What do you think I should do?

[Relationship Coach]

Welcome to ENA.

 

You have two choices here, walk away or hang around and wait. Anything else is just going to push her further away. No doubt you are in a tough spot and it seems she has put herself in a position of control but you do have options! As long as she feels you will just sit around and wait for her, the longer she may spend weighing her options. IMO you should limit contact to only responding to her contact and seem distant when you do speak, let her feel the slippage from your side. Go on with your life as if you were forced to find a plan "B", a life without her. If she sees this and feels that she will lose you, her reaction will be easily read. The worst thing one can do is to wait for something that may never happen.

 

RC

[Coyote9]

I think you need to not appear needy, as hard as that is. She's obviously pulling away, for whatever reason. Dumpers rarely tell us directly what's really going on, and likely she doesn't understand all herself. I hate to say this, but my experience is that when the women I've dated have distanced themselves, for whatever reason, it means their interest level in me and the relationship is dropping fast. It's so impossible not to call or write them, but that will have the opposite effect you want. You're thinking "I care so much" and she's thinking "I'm feeling smothered." I wish I had gone totally to no contact after the first breakup I had with my ex. Needless to say, 6 months of what you're starting to go through and she had finally had it. If you can, don't show her how you feel right now and l let her see that you can be strong and give her space...total space. It's likely the only chance you have or getting her back, and it's also the best way to begin to move on when things eventually do hit the fan and she walks. I hope I don't sound too pessimistic, but at this point the success of the relationship lies in her level of interest and not in yours.

Coyote

[AusTrist]

Thanks heaps.

Yeh thats what i thought and I do know its all up to her. I will do my best not to call her or message her. If she wants to see me Ill let her ask me and just give her the space. It is so hard I am so stressed to the max at the moment and I'm finding it so hard to deal with. I have been hanging out with as many people as possible and talking with as many people as possible so that I can just forget about things. I had a a bad break up several yrs ago and don't want to go down that path again. I really just want her to be happy even if that means I am really hurt and there isnt much I can do about that. I will wait for her but at the same time I am going to go out meet new ppl and just go from there.

[TropicalParadise]

Sorry to hear about your breakup. 3 years is a long time, and I can understand why you must be devastated.

 

I really don't think that you should contact her, though; she needs time to think about things, and you're going to come accross to her as very needy. I can't tell you if she'll be back; maybe she will, maybe she won't, but by not contacting her, she will either A) Begin to realize what she lost, and decide she wants to get back together with you or B) Miss talking to you, and miss having someone in her life; but not want to get back together. If she does decide that she doesn't want to be with you, no contact is really going to help you in the long run, because it will help you get over her.

 

She said she was un-happy for awhile now; unfortunately, when a woman decides to end things, it's usually because they've been thinking about it for awhile. Were you two fighting a lot? Did you notice any real problems towards the end of your relationship?

 

Again, I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting, and I hope you start to feel a little better soon-- But in the meantime, stop texting/calling her, and don't answer if she calls you!

[AusTrist]

We neer fought much. Every now n then but nothing overly major. I dunno bout her being unhappy for ages though because she always seemed alright and if she did seem a little down I always asked her if she was fine several times and she said she was fine. I dont think we had any real problems towards the end. I spose on of the things was that we would fight a little more often but it was over stupid things and it wasn't huge or anything.

[Coyote9]

I will simply add that don't read to much in if she does contact you. I was fine about not contacting her, but when she contacted me over the last 8 months of our on again off again deal, I caved in was right back there doing the same thing. Develop a plan now about what you will do if she calls, maybe arrange to call a buddy immediately or have some fail safe way to not let your emotions overwhelm you the way they will if you are caught off guard. In on of the "get backs' in my situation, my ex actually showed up at my doorstep at 11 pm after 4 weeks of NC....rather than politely saying "I'm not comfortable here with this, maybe we can talk later." I greeted her with a hug as if she was the second coming or something. What I've experienced is akin to a biochemical withdrawl from her. I actually crave her and that's what causes the pain, not anything she would do or say if she were to return. You sound like you've got things in hand....best of luck and be strong!

[AusTrist]

So if she does show up on ym dorrstep after a bit of no contact I should still just play it cool then hey? Let her in talk and just go from there really hey? I'm doing my best to keep my mind off things by keeping as busy as possible by doing as much as I can to try and keep happy but there are moments where I wish I could just curl up and die and nt have to worry about it anymore. Thanks heaps for the replies it is helping a lot.

[tray25]

If you want to curl up and die over a woman then you really need to look at yourself in the mirror. No woman should be the key to your happiness. You will die, she will end up with someone else, get married and have kids, and you will be dead. Don't ever think like that again. Be a man and get up and get through this. It is very hard but you have to do it. You weren't brought here to die over a girl. You think she wants to die over you? You die for someone who loves you. Not for someone who dumps you. Go get some chicks and withdraw emotionally. Don't give them what they want. Don't open up to them. Be kind, cocky, indifferent. These are the only ways a woman will be attracted to you long term. I never wanna hear I wanna die again. There are very few things you should die for. Staying busy doesn't work. Go get another girl and replace her.

[AusTrist]

When i said that I didnt eman I literally wanted to die I was just using it as a metaphor but Yeh I see where you are coming from though. I am going out trying to meet new chicks and stuff but at the moment I don't think I want to have another relationship for a while. I don't think I am really ready to just go and get another chick to replace another. I will just do my own thing have fun bein single and get over her. I can't just shut her out completely though. We have done so much together been through a lot together also. Ill bounce back and be my old self soon I think and I think once she sees me bein the way I am normally she will either miss it enough to ask me back or still miss it but not want me back. Either way I am cool with whatever decision she makes. I always have been. I know the world works weird and things have a habit of just working out whichever way it goes.

[JEZAUS]

Hey mate, sorry to hear about the break up, it's incredibly hard i know.

First of all, it's interesting to hear yet another case of the 3 year relationship threshold for young adults (22-24). They don't know what they want, and are confused, need some time to figure stuff out, etc, etc, and they want to break up.

It would appear that around our age, there seems to be a turning point in our lives in regard to careers, finishing uni/college, pressure of finding out what we want to do for the rest of our lives. No doubt this pressure brings along uncertainty and turbulence in relationships.

Some advice i have learned from my breakup after 3 years which is strangely similar to your situation.

- You will hear people on ENA saying that no contact is the way to go. They're right. You're not helping your case by constantly telling her you're here when ever she wants back in. Also, which is the main reason for NC, it's good for your progress in moving on.

- It was a massive decision to break up with you. Something she did and decided by herself. Should she want to return it will also be a massive decision. A decision she will have to make by herself, without your influence. After all, 3 years is a long time to be together. I'm sure she knows who you are and what she's getting back into should she chose that path, without you calling her all the time.

- Always remember you're a good person. She probably wouldn't have stayed with you for 3 years if you weren't. Even without her, you're still a good person. And you shouldn't need to be with someone to know who you are.

- You say you want to call her to find out how she is because she is having a hard time also. Yes she's probably having a hard time also, but what do you expect her to say? It's pointless, of course she's going to say she's okay. I don't think you should be worrying about her right now. And stop looking for reasons to call her. Instead, worry about yourself, she essentially cut the bond between you and her, now you're completely separate people (a realization which is both hard to comprehend after 3 years and also very painful, but necessary).

 

Hang tough mate, it's hard, but everyone really should go through something like this at some stage to fully appreciate the relationships we will have later in life. I suppose it's an education. And be glad like me that we got it over earlier that a lot of other people who won't know what we're talking about till much later in life.

Read the signature at the bottom...it says it all.

[AusTrist]

Thanks for that. Geez you pretty much got it all down to the way it seems to me. I am trying to come to the realisation we are separate people but I still find it difficult. I like the signature too it makes a lot of sense and I have been trying to think of things in terms of that. It's been tough but I'm coping. I am gunna work at getting myself happier again anyways. I dont see many ppl wanting to hang out with a sad sack hehe.

[jelly_sexxy]

you fkkn cute dont let any chick do that to you hunn(: