Confused about situation with ex

[andy0000]

Hi there,

 

The situation is kinda complicated I guess, so bear with me. (I'm gay btw)

 

I was with my ex for about 2 years, and we broke up feb last year. I broke it off because I wasn't sure it was love, and I wanted to live it up a little while I'm young. He was my first relationship wit another guy (his too, I was 22 he was 19 when we met), and it was really good while we were together, but I just felt us starting to go in different directions and I wanted to see what else was out there.

 

We did break up about one year into the relationship, but we got back together; after a few weeks I started to really miss him and I asked him for another chance. We started going out again, but after another year I started getting the same feelings. We were both really upset when I broke it off, but I knew i had to do it..

 

We didn't really have much contact for a few months, but then we started to hang out again. We saw each other occasionally for a while, but in the last few months we've been seeing each other a lot more, hanging out once or twice a week. Since we broke up, I've had two relationships, including my current bf. I broke up with teh last one because he was getting really jealous, he thought I was spending too much time wit my ex. Thing is that I really value my ex's friendship, we share a bond that I don't really have with my current bf, more intellectual, and that we know each other so well I feel I can talk to him about almost anything.

 

I kind of have a routine with my ex, we'll meet up during the week for a few drinks and a game of pool, then usually there'll be a reason that he'll come back to my place and we'll hang out for a while, then he'll go home, no intimacy, except that we hug when he leaves. Then we usually see each other over the weekend..

 

I thought I was over him, but on the weekend I had some feelings that confused the hell out of me. I invited him to come to a club wit me and my bf on saturday.. My ex is usually a pretty reserved guy, but he was really confident on saturday, dancing with other guys, had his shirt off..

 

Early in the night, we took a break from the dancefloor and I was just talking to him and my bf came up, I was kinda annoyed because I wanted to talk to my ex, but it was no big deal..

 

Later on, my ex was dancing with this really cute guy, kissing him, and it evoked some feelings in me that I didn't think I had for him anymore. I saw them kissing and having so much fun, it made me feel that I just wanted to hold him in my arms and tell him how much I care about him.. Not even in a romantic way, just to let him know how much he means to me..

 

Thing is, I do really like my bf, but on saturday I saw a side of my ex I hadn't really seen before, and it made me feel really confused about the whole situation..

 

 

Sorry for the lengthy post, but I feel like I had to get it all out.. What do you think?

[Miranona]

I think you need to make a decision and stick to it. You seem like a routine kinda guy, break up-get back, feelings-no feelings. WHen you like someone, its just there, i find it IMPOSSIBLE to turn your feelings on or off, its either you do or you dont.

what I think you should do is give yourself time.. real time no contact with ex or bf and think things through.

but seems to me that you get jealous when someone is around your ex... sounds more of a possesive trait than being really interested in him.

[andy0000]

Heya miranona,

 

The reason I was so surprised by this is because I haven't felt these sort of feelings for him since we broke up, and we've both been in relationships since then.

 

My friends have asked me whether I love him or I'm in love with him, which to me is a ridiculous question. I love and respect him, after sharing my life with him for this long, of course I hold him close to my heart.

 

The whole thing about either you feel it or you don't, I really don't think its like that, the love you feel for someone after being close to them for years is not the same as the heart-stopping, sweaty palms chemistry you have when you first meet them. But to me it doesn't make it any less, just different..

 

The other reason it was surprising was because I'm not the jealous type, and I don't even know if its jealousy, I just felt this really strong need to express to him how much he means to me, and it feels like its been building these past few months as we've been getting closer again and hanging out a lot more.

[andy0000]

Oh, and we did no contact for a few months after we broke up, I don't think thats the issue. I don't really want to cut him out of my life just because I have these confusing feelings, it seems like madness to make some arbitrary rule that we can't see each other when we are so close.

[thelonelydoll]

How does your current boyfriend feel about this issue and about you hanging out with the ex? Are you completely honest about it with him?

[andy0000]

Hey lonelydoll,

 

My boyfriend is generally fine with it, he and my ex get along pretty well..

 

I don't tell my boyfriend every time we hang out, not because I'm hiding it from him, but because we don't live together and I don't really keep tabs on what he's doing every night of the week, and vice versa..

 

Looking back with hindsight, I'm not sure that I made the right decision to break up with my ex. I think that because it didn't have the new relationship chemistry/vibe anymore, I assumed it meant I didn't love him. On the other hand, breaking up was the best thing for both of us, we've both matured a lot since then, we were so young (and still are I guess), but during this time apart we've both learned alot.

 

I guess the thing is, its quite inexplicable, on saturday I just felt this need for him to know how much I love and respect him, how much I value his friendship and support, and to be physically close to him, not in a sexual way though..

[andy0000]

I guess my question is, what do these feelings mean?

 

Is it just a really close friendship, or is it romantic love? In a choice between that heart-stopping chemistry or something deeper and more meaningful, but less physically passionate, which would you choose?

[thelonelydoll]

Well, I'd go for deeper and more meaningful given this choice. I've had incomparable physical passion and memorable chemistry with one-night stands, but friendship and support - Platonic love - have helped get me through the darkest periods of my life.

[andy0000]

Thanks lonelydoll I honestly don't know what I should do, if I were inclined to get back with my ex, I don't know if he would have me back now.

 

The best thing I can do is tell him how I feel. It feels so strange because I got over our relationship a lot quicker than he did, for a long time I could tell he wanted us to have another shot..

 

I feel like all those feelings are coming back the more time I spend with him, remembering the reasons I cared for him so much in the first place, and discovering new things about him that make me feel like I want to be close to him again, in something more than a friendship.