Rain Man

Hi again, Thank you for the kind words. While I understand what you are saying, I do not completely agree. Yes, I am the master of myself, and with my thoughts I can dictate my life. Which also means, I am the master of my thoughts, with them I can create a divergent reality to subjugate the reality I see today. I am not unhappy, and this is not about being happy. I have been happy, and I have been sad, and I have alternated between these two emotional states thoughout my life, with more unhappiness of course. It is about that at all. It's about life and its purpose. I only seem to be existing for nothing. As long as I am consciouss, I can sense my reality, when I am not, I cease to exist. I see, my immediate reality and the reality of the past, and I cringe, at how viciously people are and have been treated. You said, I should go out, amongst people. Make relationships. I have, and I have not liked people. I think they are superficial, selfish, ignorant, sheep. I feel uncomfortable in their company. You both, have mentioned God. I am sorry, but I do not believe in God. I also have no reason to believe God, and I have disproven, for myself, all popular models of God logically. I have even shouted out aloud to your God, to show himself to me - I've had no answer, and how could I, when there is none there to answer me. Death comes to all, this is an absolute truth. When it comes, how it comes, no one knows. Everyday, and in every demographic, people are dying; some young, some old, some poor, some rich, some unhappy, some happy. So it is irrelavant, wether I am living or dying. What is the point of accumulating luxuries, experiences in life, when it all evaporates? You are saying, I should set goals and making meaning of life, subjective to me. I have done that, and it has still not filled that empiness inside me. My ailment is not happiness, but purpose. I want purpose, real objective purpose, of why I am existing or seem to exist. I look around me, and see a room, with objects, just sitting there, with no apparant purpose. They are physicial manifestations of space/time, like I am, their worth is as much as mine is, and their worth to me, is none. Just to know, that my consciousness is just an illusion, and that I do not really matter, I am just here for nothing, unsettles me, it shakes me. You have to exist, because biologically, you are equipt with a mechanism to keep you surviving. You create false meanings and goals to supplement that mechanism, so you have meaning, a drive, to live. Much like the computer I am typing on, has to be stay on, until I turn it off. What is your meaning, tell me? 1 in 6 billion people; zillions of living organisms, infinite manifestations. Zilch. Why do you think it has meaning? When everyday, you step on another living organism, and cease its existence - what was it's meaning? to be crushed by you? I am not being negative, or positive even, I am awakening to reality. My existence in this vast cosmos is insignigicant, it makes no difference. I am but a particle of a particle of a particle of a particle of a particle ad infinitum of this universe. I just want to sleep, and never wake up again. That is all I want. This reality, and I mean the objective reality, is not compatible with me. I have a right to my life, and no one can tell me, I am being selfish, because the irony of life is, we are all selfish, using others for our own agendas. I have witnessed it, going out, seeing people walk about oblivious to everything. I have seen the superficiality and artificiality of people. I have seen the summit of the ignorance of people - not in just a few, but in almost all. I have seen how they hurt each other, and are completely absorbed with self. It's like watching sheep graze fields. They cannot help it, it's engraved in their small minds. They cannot transcend their in-the-box-thinking. If people could help each other, this would be a much more conductive socieity. However, I have witnessed it myself, how much people are willing to help. In a world, where millions of malnourised children are dying everyday, there is the rest of the world folk, whose priorities lie in getting satisfaction, or gratification. I have witnessed it my own life too, how when I needed help, how people turned away. For instance, when my father was hurting me and my mother, how as a child, we had to run out every night to a "friends" house, who just listened to our problems, like it's some soap opera, and then told us to leave. Knowing fully well, we would have nowhere to go. Then we went from place to place around the country, getting the same treatment from "friends" I can remember this distinctly, "This is your problem, we don't want to get involved" I have seen how the police could not help us either. This is why the popular mentality, "Help yourself" comes in, which further reinforces how alone everyone is. I have gone through hell in my life, and if you hear it, you'll be horrified. However, I do not want to narrate my life here. Where this leaves my mother, will become irrelavant. When I die, I cease to exist. I cannot sense my guilt, or her misery, thereafter. When we have pain, we take painkillers, or try to alleviate the pain. My pain is life, pure and simple as that, and I need to kill my pain - kill my life - kill myself. I am simply not compatible with life, and asking me to change my philosophy, is like asking me, to lie to myself.

Hi, I am here because, I want to know how to overcome my dilemma of commiting suicide. I have had a hellish life, everday from, 1 to 24, I have seen hell. However it is not the hell, that is driving me to suicide. It is the absolute lack of purpose in life. No matter what I do, I just can't fill this emptiness inside me. I have tried everything, socializing, pursuing interests, academia, relationships, activities. Yet, no matter what I do, I am always feeling empty, chasing winds, running like a gerbil on a wheel, getting nowhere - a state that is not either living, or dead, somewhere in between. Absolutely nothing to drive me. It's painful to continue to live like this. For 2 years, I have gone into isolation, living with my single mother, I have not even stepped out of the house. I have become quite a burden on her, and she on me. I have told her, how much pain I am enduring by living, but she emotionally blackmails me, telling me, how much I will hurt her, if I commited suicide, how selfish I will be, and how she will do the same, If I do. She says she understands my pain, but whenever I discuss suicide, she lashes out at me instantly, and it's always the same selfish desire, "Don't hurt me, you hurt me when you say that" I have stopped discussing this issue with her, and this has given her some false sense of security, that as long as I'm not talking about it, everything is ok. It's not OK; it never was. The fact, that im confined in the 4 walls of my room, and that I am doing nothing, and that I am hurt is irrelavant to her. You know the extent, of how much she does not understand me? She brings food to me every few hours, sometimes fruit, sometimes dinner, sometimes take-away, and I tell her, I feel insulted, that she's doing this. Yet, she does it anyway, even when I repeat my words to her everytime. She's actually physically rendered me inert, as she mothers me, nutures me, that I cannot even amass the energy to do anything anymore. She is content in doing this, and continuing this, feeding me, keeping my alive, assuring herself, "I am ok" and playing on the role of mother for an indefinite period of time, when she cannot understand how it's actually hurting me, bruising my self-worth and ego, and making it much harder for me to end my life. She has even got me psychiatric help, and she naively believes, they are going to cure me. When there is nothing wrong with my mental health, something even they testify too. It is just my philosophy of life, that is not compatible with me leading a successfull life. Whenever I arise the will to kill myself, I am faced with the dilemma of my mother. Yet, if I live, im living, only to keep her content, but for myself, all I have to endure is pain, sustained pain, for the rest of my life. Then there is another part of me, that actually wants to live, and find meaning in life. I have researched extensively, into science, religion, consciousness, reincarnation, soul, to find the purpose in life. Yet, it has only further proved there is none. In fact, our very existence is just an illusion in an infinite space time continum, that consists of infinite realities and infinite parallel realities. I wish there was a switch, I could just flick, and cease to exist. It's just not that easy. I need to make an effort to commit suicide, and I just can't make that effort. Is there something I can do, that will just end me, instantly. I thought about jumping of a high-rise building, but I do not have the impetus to make myself do that. I want something that will put me to sleep, and from which I will never wake up again. I don't want to feel physical pain. I have endured pain all my life, and I don't want to willingly become a center of pain. I know I have to come terms with death, as it is a certain event in life, and it's easier when death comes to you, but I can't wait that long - I want to go to death myself. Yet making this choice is not easy for me, and I don't know how much longer I can take this. Please offer me advice.