ergo

Broke NC, She called me now.... I answered. She asked how I was, I said good. Then I asked her how she was, she said good. I asked her why did she call, she said just to see how you are doing... I told her, listen... I want to hear from you always, but I don't want to inhibit myself when I am talking to you. I want to feel free when I am talking to you. She said that it's hard for her. I said it's also hard for me but maybe you need to be in a point where my absence will help you realize what you want. I knew she was at work, so I told her that knowing she is working now I will stop the conversation here. We said our goodbyes... Now I feel even worse... Not sure what to think anymore.

What do you want from me?!?!?! I gave you my love, I gave you myself, I gave you my life... You said that you are not sure, you said you needed time... So I gave you that as well. I told you, take your time, think about what role am I playing in your life, then contact me.. But you didn't listen, you never do... and me? where does that leave me? now sitting here trying to decipher your words, and what you ment... Is it over? If so tell me please so I can go on with my life... Are you still contemplating? If so please don't contact me... Think as much as you what in an un-conditioned way and let me know when you have reached a decision. I have nothing but love to give you. You have to decide what you what to do with this information.

Day 4, Everything just seems weird... I am really trying not to think about her, trying to concentrarte on my life at the moment. But it just keeps haunting me. I feel as if I can't even talk about it anymore seeing that people are already tired of listening. The truth of the matter is that I don't want to talk about, I just want some reassurance...A little hope that will hold and help me pass another day. This is not the way to get over things... I know that. I am really trying, and today I am actually doing things and not just sitting here obsessing about it. My heart hurts so much, and I miss her so much... But I know that for the moment calling her, texting her, seeing her just won't be effective, not only that, it will go against me. So I wait, another day... Why does love have to hurt so much? It almost does not make any sense....

Day 3 I can't say that things are going better... I miss her a lot, but it's coming in waves. I try to occupy myself as much as I can, and trying to maintain an optimistic approach for life and for the future. But still during the day I find myself procrastinating and trying to avoid doing things just so I could sink a little bit more in my misery. It seems about right doing so... after all, when something is so important, suffering for it is only natural. No? but that's just me trying to justify my feelings and the way that I am acting. So 3 days now... still hopeful, still missing, still loving... but what you do about it?!

Day 2, It feels weird, but maybe it really is the best thing to do at the moment. I don't know what would other interactions could bring at this point. I am reading the last messages exchanged and thinking about the last conversations that we had... It feels as if I acted in an attentive and understanding way during this last month. I don't think I could have done things in a better way (probably i could have, but the way that i have acted was more than respectful and loving). It seems to me as if i played my hand, and now just trying to accept the fact that if she sees a future with me she will contact me and if not, it's ok because I love her. And I don't need to be with her in order to love her. I really should separate my emotions from these definitions. Bottom line, whatever will happen, this is the point where I have to start thinking about myself. Because if she comes back, she needs to see a stable and strong person infront of her. And with or without her that is the kind of person I would like to be.

Day 1 me and my ex have gotten to the point where NC was needed... I tried for a while just being there for her and being attentive. She every now and then had her doubts and started doubting my love for her. I tried to be reassuring... It worked partially. We had a few explosions in which she told me that seeing me makes her suffer, and that she feels so bad. Yesterday i asked her to meet me. I told her that I don't want the source of her suffering, it is not a role i wish to take. From this moment on act as if I don't exist to you. Live what you want, and do what you want, no regrets... Until you can decide what is my role in your life, and what do you want from me, this interaction must end, at least for now. She said that she loves me more than anything in the world, but she is so afraid. I told her that I understand. but I feel as if i have done everything i can, and if my presence in her life now is a negative one, it shouldn't exist. I left the door open behind me and now I am just waiting... Today I woke up in the morning, and it feels too weird not being able to call her, I miss her so much. I should get back to my life, but I just can't... It feels to me as if it's all a matter of time until it will work. But even knowing that does not mean that I can base my life on it. So we wait, one minute, one hour, for now since our last interaction it has been maybe 15 hours. I slept really bad, maybe 2 hours, but I couldn't fall asleep. So how does one pass the time? One day.... hopefully it would take me less then a month to put my life back on track.