DailyDreamer

(I personally want to thank all of you for posting in here. I know posts are not meant to be read by everyone, but it helps my healing process to relate to all of you in some way. So thank you and I hope all those who are hurting find happiness and relief soon.) ___________________________________________________________________ I know you're out tonight and so I thought I might receive one of your drunken text messages. I both hate and love getting those messages from you because most times you fake being that drunk when you're really not. Most often you play that drunk so you can blame it all on the alcohol the next day. Sometimes I don't even care because I like hearing the things you say, even if you need to wear a mask to say them. Tonight, I have not received one of those messages and I've kept busy, talking to friends and family. Unfortunately those distractions don't fully take my mind off you. I hate this hope I carry with me, believing you will change for the better because wow...Heaven forbid you make an effort. You have been with me all day, every day and when I tell you that you've been on my mind a lot lately, I believe constantly is more fitting to say. I miss you so much and your confiding in me before anyone else. Soon enough, my missing you and love for you will harden completely and turn to cold anger if you keep up these games. There's only so long you can take advantage of my care, love and compassion until I will no longer offer it. I know I crossed your mind tonight. I just wish you had made me a part of it by telling me. Until then, I play the waiting game for whenever that next time I hear from you may be. I just hope it comes before you are no longer welcome in my heart.

I am seriously tempted to contact you. Not right now at this moment, knowing you're asleep. Knowing me, I will have a moment of weakness this weekend and will want to text to check up on you. I hate knowing you have a lot going on in your life, stuff you keep to yourself, not wanting to get help. I feel it and it hurts me knowing how much pain you hide inside. Things are awkward but you've made them that way. Remember you broke up with me, you don't properly end our conversations and so I don't contact you. If you knew how to properly communicate, things wouldn't be nearly as awkward. I love you no matter what they hell we are and I am not looking for anything, but I wish you were taking better care of yourself. All I want is to know you're happy, whether I be a part of it all or not. Until then, try and cut the facade because I see right through it.

I am seriously emotional after you texted me last night. Why the heck do I keep giving into you?! You were on my mind hardcore when I was out having dinner with friends. When I go to this particular restaurant, a flood of memories washes over me and you are everywhere. I was beyond vulnerable when I checked my phone just to find a new message from you asking me if I hate you. What is that?! You already know darn well that I don't, but I guess you know that I would respond to a message like that. Maybe you know me too well, poking away at my soft spots. When I do give in, I get carried away and become weak all over again. The numb turns to hope and temporary happiness. Then you vanish like you never spoke to me and I'm suffering through the dark once again. Never did I ever think any other human being could ever tear me down and hurt me as much as you have. I keep defending you, telling my friends all these excuses to try and make you look good, but no matter what, it's impossible to excuse the things you've done. I have no idea what's going on in that mind of yours towards me. Do you even care? Do you just enjoy the attention you receive from me? Are you desperate for care and affection from anyone...or do you want it from me? I don't know why you are making such an effort to push me further and further away, but you are doing one hell of a job.

wow alcohol always gets me so close to contacting you. I almost did too but went to our old forum where we met in the fitrst place. I saw you on there and logged on and posted a few things and then logged off. All without having contacted you. Sure it isn't good, but I feel it's better than contacing you directly. I miss you and yet, I am so mad at you. You'd such a loswr. You saw me, I'm sure but I don't even care. I have the poser because I didn't even acknowledge your existence. I may not be happy but at least you're not a part of tonight. That alone makes it a good night. Sweet dreams jerk. Dream of me because you won't be ion my dreams.

Damn you and your ability to use me the way you do. You say as you wish when you please and vanish just as easily. Hate wasn't really a part of my vocabulary before, but you are defining it for me quite clearly.

Robin - I'm so sorry about the feelings Jersey Shore brought forth. I read your post (sorry, I feel invasive when I read other posts in this thread too) and somewhat related but in a different way. My ex introduced me to Jersey Shore and told me she thought of us when she watched it. I ended up becoming a fan of Jersey Shore, caught up on every episode and watched the season premiere last night. It made me angry more than anything. I hate how I can easily attach almost everything to my ex in some way. I know this offers no consolation but I wish you the best and that things get better. May you have a pain free day coming your way soon. Take care, Robin. I've actually been ok as of late. I check up on your stuff less and less these days. However, I feel like I need to send a text before I get chewed out again. Remember, you broke up with me, you let the conversation drop, you will seem unsure of how you feel about talking to me one minute...then telling me you love and miss me the second. The games, the lack of communication, your hesitancy and uncertainty...it all just gets to be too much. Figure yourself out and what you want because if you keep up this crap, I won't even be there as a friend. You've really been making a mess. I want you to be happy, but don't screw me over while trying to get over the hurdles you face.

What is going on with you?! You make me feel like quite the ass sometimes. I do so well and get on track, then you wander back in and eff everything all up for me. Today should have been a good day because I went out and had so many distractions to keep me preoccupied, but you were somehow everywhere. You were in music, games, simply walking around and I heard your name left and right. You're bad for me but I can't give you up. I don't know why I can't just shut you out after all you've done to me with the mind games and making me feel the way you do. I'm trying so hard, but I wish I could go into the future and get a hold of that feeling...what it's like without you hurting me. By that time, I hope we both find happiness even though we won't be together. Just now, I wish you weren't quite so stubborn. The games, lies and hiding must stop. I want you in my life with all my heart, but you are making it the most trying chore ever. At some point you need to figure out you live your life for yourself and no one else. You only have yourself to judge and no other opinion should matter. For the time being, I miss you. I just wish you'd let go of everything you carry on your back.

How is it that I'm always apologizing for your actions? How the heck am I supposed to know what it is you want when you often bring no closure to the table. You make me feel like I am bugging you, that you're bored. Then out of the blue you tell me just how much I'm on your mind. What?! So I'm at fault for allowing so much time to pass before we communicated again? I gave you your space because we need it and because that allows time for us to heal. What is it you want? Put in the effort, make up your mind because if you keep up these games, I won't even be able to be there as a friend. You have no idea what kind of toll you have taken on me in both my heart and mind. I continue to give you both when I'm confused as hell as to what is going on. We've broken up but it sure as hell doesn't sound like it with the things you say. How is it you manage to say something so bold, haunting and almost perfect at the most strange times? You stumble for months and out of the blue you say something that tugs at my heart and stuns me. Sometimes I hate your power, the way you take away my balance. I'm almost on a leash pulled by you. Stop hurting me and really think about what it is you want. I am no one's toy, I am no one's b-word. My equal is out there and I can only wait and hold onto you for so long.

Here I am again, depressed and feeling so lonely because I miss you so very much. Some days, I can get by without a care, but certain days are rough. You're everywhere and I can't push you out of my thoughts. Sometimes I go to sleep and you're there behind me, holding onto me and I feel warm and happy. Then I wake up in the morning, only to find you're not there and it's yet another day without you. Your smile is burned into my memory, strong and bold as ever. I love that smile and yet I hate it sometimes, knowing it no longer belongs to me. You seem perfectly normal, distracted by your job, family, friends and a particular hobby. If I truly know you, a part of you hurts deep inside as well. My aim is not to get back together, but I miss you, your company, the little things that would fill my day with joy. Other days, I can be filled with so much anger. I can go off on those who don't deserve it. You've turned me into a monster on more than one occasion and I don't like seeing that side of me surface (my mean sarcastic attitude, nothing physical, as that is NOT me). I want to be me again and find the girl who was so happy, carefree and fun before complicated relationships came into play. How is it that these things change us so much? I have learned so much and I am still learning. I'm just in pain as I try to find that one person who belongs with me. The soulmate I yearn for and apparently "the one" I have not met. Still, wherever life leads the both of us, don't disappear on me completely. I love you...maybe more than you will ever truly know. You consumed my entire heart at one point and you might even still right now. I just hope from time to time you can feel me in your heart and that I will always care about you deeply.

Weekends seem tough, especially after NC for a couple weeks. I don't need you, but I'm disappointed in thinking you were a better person...partner or friend. Sometimes I have no idea what goes through that head of yours. Your wanting to hide from the world and yourself. Was distance really the issue? I don't doubt you loved me, but I'm confused about an abrupt ending, then gaps of communication and currently nothing. How can I miss you so much when I am treated so poorly? In the end, I do love you for who you are. The good, bad, all of it. Unlike most, I stay true to my word and feelings. I mean what I say when I say it. Maybe it's sad to say I miss you, but I do. I long for you every single day whether we speak or don't. Not many have made me feel that way in life but you're among the few. Whatever you're currently doing, I just hope you're safe, well and happy.

Why are you talking to her instead of me? You always said how you wanted to talk and when the opportunity presents itself...you choose her? I go out of my way to be attentive and always be there and show you support the best way I can. Why do I bother? I hate how my heart makes decisions while my mind is MIA. Why do I love you so much? Why do I care? You make me weak and I don't like the person I have become. What happens to me when I am given crumbs to exist off while you do as you please. You make life an uphill climb as I struggle to keep you in it. I'd do anything for you and yet, you'd do nothing for me. I say this aloud and have the answers, yet I still don't get it. Will I ever?

Day 8 NC is such a difficult task for me, even if I may not really want to hear from this person. I guess my wanting to hear from them is to get some form of explanation. To be filled with all these promises, being filled with false hope "I'll never leave" and "You're mine forever." It's a tough pill to swallow when all of a sudden you hear "I can't take this anymore" and they are gone...just like that. On a side note, this was my second go-around with this person. I don't necessarily want a third, but I'd like friendship. People I get so close with, I hate losing them completely. I was told they wanted to continue speaking to me, but obviously it's been about 8 days since contact...since the break-up. I guess the thing I want most is to try and remain strong when this person comes back, realizing they had wronged me. I don't want to reconcile into yet another circle of suck. I'm hurting, but getting better with each day. The hardest part is feeling like I'm missing out on something and I'm left with a hollow gap. Best of luck to all of you facing NC.