DailyDreamer

I've actually been pretty happy these days. There are definitely moments of weakness when I'd like a text from you, but at the end of the day...I'm relieved to not have heard from you. I'm meeting other people and getting over things once again. The only difference is that I will never ever take you back again. I have never felt so concrete about that as I do now. In our silence, I see far more clearly and recognize just how poorly you treated me. Plus once a cheater, always a cheater. I've learned what to stay away from and for that I'm thankful I met you. You're a prime example of what I don't want.

I said some pretty awful things to you tonight, but I feel you deserved to be told each and every thing I said to you. You are the only person that has brought me to the lowly level of hatred. I don't even like that word being a part of my vocabulary. You're just a horrible person, you really are. To tell me you "tried" so hard to make everything work and yet, you'd be more than willing to cave to anyone showing interest. Yes...ANYONE. I do believe you're desperate and I know you'll try to contact me again. I hope I'm strong enough to not answer. Hope is such a dangerous thing because I partially hope you'll contact me so I know you still care, but that's wrong. No matter what, we'd continue the ugly cycle of your abuse...yes, abuse. The emotional abuse you have made me endure...I'd never wish that upon anyone. You told me you are now "talking" to someone. Well, do you actually pick up the phone to talk or do you text them and wait until you meet to get drunk in local bars? I think the reason I'm not crying or am seriously upset is because I honestly haven't lost anything. I lost someone who made me miserable, someone who shut me out, someone who played mind games, someone who lacks confidence, someone who has too many problems and issues they aren't willing to correct, someone who didn't appreciate me when I was there. You never really know what you've lost until it's gone. I think once you realize it, I will have completely moved on. I don't want a relationship of any kind with you, meaning no friendship, zero contact. I miss the person whom I thought I knew. That person is no longer there or never truly existed. That is some mask you've got on.

"Had a good weekend..." hahaha, seriously? Yeah, you keep posting garbage for your "audience" over there on FB. I'm done. I don't want to see your face on social networks anywhere anymore. Pretty proud of myself for being able to realize that I don't need you. You lost everything...I lost nothing.

Why did I bother giving you another chance? You're a bad person. I won't miss you.

I didn't think I'd be missing you this much today. Not like St. Patrick's Day is a special day or anything. I know you're out with co-workers, enjoying drinks at a bar, but I can't help but want a drunken text or something from you today. I doubt I'll get it, but that's okay. I've been distracting myself with lots of cardio and other activities I enjoy. I just wish my heart could be as easily distracted as my mind.

I caught you, playing your silly game. Such a shame you even did that because we were enjoying our conversation, but there you go spoiling something going well. I know you're curious and that you'd rather not see me with someone. It's okay if you find someone, but it isn't okay that I am dating. I'm not over you, I still love you and I know that you desperately want to hear this, but I won't tell you. You don't deserve it after what you've done. You can't earn my trust and love without earning it and making yourself a better person. I forgive, but I most certainly do not forget. If only you knew what I'd do for you, to make things work. If you reciprocated without half that fear you carry around, you'd be much happier. Whether it be me or someone else, I want you happy. Even if it isn't meant for me, your smile always warms my heart.

I'm not sure if it's the weather or what, but I really am bummed. I wish you'd send a text asking to hang out and see a movie. Our last planned date was to go see a scary movie at the local drive-in. However, that was before you decided to vanish and get weird about falling in love again. It really stinks, finding someone you mesh SO well with, to have it fall apart much too soon.

I have done a lot of growing and healing since my last post, I believe. I came to this forum for one person, who I now can consider as a friend. I have moved on and I'm happy I haven't slid back into the serious desire of wanting this person as my lover. I have been dating other people and taking serious positive steps in the right direction. I can't say that everything is all happy and joyous though. The last person I dated was everything I could ask for. Super smart, older, experienced, flirtatious and in the beginning...wonderful communication. We really hit it off and liked each other. Now...it's nothing more than a short fling in the past because you don't want a relationship and were moving too fast with me. I'm bummed you're so scared and feel so stubborn to date around with many people before even considering slowing down and trying relationships again. Yes, we're at two different places in life, but you spoiled me with all the attention, dates and seriously awesome kisses. However, I can't sit around and hope that you'll change your mind. If you do in the near future...cool and if not...well, I'm meeting other people and seeing if I share communication like that with any other locals. All I want is to be happy. Isn't that what we all seek and desire? I want to start my 2012 resolution early...which is to work on myself and do things for me so I can grow and be a better more independent person. I'd like to take someone along for that ride, but I need to realize I come first for now. Having a partner to love will be an extreme bonus.

Surprisingly, I think I'm getting more comfortable with making that transition into friendship. I'm realizing I deserve better, that I need someone else. We both still make good company and there's no denying that. Simply, we are two puzzle pieces that no longer fit. We tried several times to jam those pieces together and while we did connect, we still weren't right. That's okay...as long as we remain in that same puzzle. Occasionally a piece from a totally different puzzle gets mixed up in the box, but you're not one of them...as difficult as you can be sometimes.

Well that didn't take long to royally fail myself. I swear...you contact me at the wrong times. STOP! That goes for me and you. Just man, you said some real nice things tonight and disappeared like usual. I hate that so so much. What sucks is you were probably in such a good mood because you're with her. I'm trying my damndest to get past that. I may be one of the most stubborn "we gotta be friends" type people ever. You probably have zero idea that I've been considering cutting off all contact with you. That's the sad part...the fact you probably don't realize how much you're hurting me, even though I've communicated that before. On a side note, I've been talking to someone else. Nothing I want to rush into obviously. That would be a mistake. I'd never tell you this because unlike you...I'd never ever want to hurt you. Kind of sad considering what Hell you've put me through. I will always love you and you'll be a part of me always. I learned from you and value many things I took from the relationship. You can never be replaced, but I hope we can eventually transition into friends without it getting too ugly from either of us.

I feel like I was just slapped in the face by something you said. Sometimes I feel you post things in knowing I will read them and other times, I doubt you even give a damn and just do whatever it is you like. I always said I wanted you to be happy, but not in such a selfish way that makes you look like an unbelievably trashy person. I am now learning just how much you never deserved me and I was a fool to ever believe you were good enough for me. You're nothing more than a confused puppy dog, who loves the attention you get from anyone and everyone. Did you ever truly love me...or just everything I said and did for you? You'll learn the kind of love I offered is and was far more than you'll receive from anyone else. It's far too late to ever turn back. You're nothing more than a dark shadow I'd like to leave behind in my past. I hope I'll have the strength to not answer you anymore.

I honestly feel I am getting better, at least it feels like this at the time being. The dreaded weekend approaches and that is when I'm at my absolute worst because I know that's when you're not being kept busy at work. Something about the weekend, especially Sundays, that stab me in the heart repeatedly. Just when I believe the pain is lessening, it comes back tenfold to haunt me Sunday afternoons. I have no idea why I even care. Maybe I liked being the one to receive most of your attention, but I hate being your secret because you're too afraid to live life. Actually, you seem to be afraid of a lot of things, yet you like the drama and attention you create for yourself. How is it I always manage to get involved with people who carry so many problems on their back? I guess I like to be the caretaker and be the one you seek for everything. However, you seem to abuse that privilege and you just plain don't give a damn. Unfortunately your insides do not match the outside. You are extremely beautiful, but what's inside...YEESH! I'm surprised there's even a heart in there for you to survive.

I feel pretty good because I have several distractions coming my way. However, I am a bit nervous once those distractions are over. I think I'm happy because you've been quiet and I always seem better when we get a breather right after we had a short texting stint. It's sort of "the quiet after the storm." I have no idea if you'll slowly get more distant as you get wrapped up in what you're doing. I'm just not looking forward to the aftermath of that mess. I can't have my life become a wreck just because yours will be. As always, I never wish you ill will, but you're pretty much on my **** list. Going back and thinking of when you got mad at me for my using my choice of words that I did...I may have apologized then, but I do mean them. Either you are REALLY easy...or you have zero clue as to what love is. You have some learning to do and once the lightbulb finally turns on, I hope we're at least still friends so I can see you finally making progress for the better.

I'm hurting big time right now. Unfortunately you had me upbeat earlier when you contacted me. We didn't say much to each other, but I felt myself slipping as usual. I really hate that feeling of regret, allowing you to have that upper hand. It always feels as though you test the waters to see if I'll talk to you and if we're okay. I let you get away with it and here I am now...after having just seen something she posted on your wall. I had no idea they were lyrics to a song, but obviously I got curious, typed that in and voila...found a song I did NOT want to hear. Thing is, you know what you're doing is wrong and that is why you keep me off to the side. You know damn well you can't be doing what you're doing and that this will seriously backfire in your family. I'm tired of being your voice of reason. Your time with this conscience has run out and I have already been able to let go of some things tonight. I am learning how to cut the cord, as painful as that is for me...I am doing it once and for all.

Today is just utterly crappy. I have no idea why I'm in such a funk. You're over there "missing" someone you shouldn't be doing things with and it has put me in the most depressed state. I have no idea why I even care because I should be so utterly disgusted and put off by your actions, but I stick around. I always support you in your time of need and hear you out because something in me believes you will change. I honestly should know better by now. I'm a good person and you obviously are not. It's as simple as that, but curse my damn heart. My mind is correct sometimes, but then the heart just does stupid things I cannot control. Luckily I'm getting closer and closer to just shutting you out. It's a dark place I don't like going to, but you have lead me there. This is your doing and your selfish, uncaring, immature ways are not something I should have to endure and wait out for you to mature. I deserve much MUCH better than that in any form of a relationship. You never truly acted like a responsible partner and haven't shown warmth or compassion as a friend. You're a lost soul who will eventually realize just how awful and horrible your true colors are once it's too late. You are the first person I will willingly shut out of my life for good. That really says something.

Right now I'm confused. You always come to me, knowing I'll respond, but I think I'm getting the hang of your antics. I won't look at your actions with hope, thinking you like me and wanting to rekindle anything. I will look at it as though you're being selfish, knowing you can take advantage of the fact that I'm up late and will answer you. I hate how you only answer certain things you want to, to either avoid confrontation or just because you simply do not feel like it. Maybe this is my fault, in that I haven't been able to make the transition as quickly as you and get into friend mode. With all you have done to me, I don't know why I even struggle, wanting you in my life as a friend or anything at all. I think above all else, I have been waiting for you to wake up and come to the realization that I am owed an apology. For you to see how you treat good people in your life, oblivious to the damage you leave behind. Many people in your life are totally clueless as to just how devious and deceptive you are...and I am the only person out there to have seen you with that mask off and tolerate what's inside of you. I know the whole package and it's only a matter of time before your dirty laundry gets out. Treat me better if you still want me to be around when things get real ugly. I know for a fact that I am the best person in your life. I am fully confident in saying that.

Note to everyone in here: Even though we're all in pain, in varying degrees...it's nice to know we're all in good company. This thread is so therapeutic for me so thank you to everyone in here. That alone helps me get by. I have no idea why this is the case, but Sundays are horrible. No matter what I do, you invade my mind intensely and even though you are not exactly on my good side, I miss you. I was having a good time talking to you last night until you vanished. What hurt most was finding out you were with her and even allowed her to use your phone. I don't believe you did anything, but just knowing you were together, enjoying each other's company makes me sick. I see things you say to her and even though it may come off as generic to any random observer, I know the truth. I know what you've done and now everything sticks out ten times worse because you told me. I seriously need to stop playing caretaker. I love you, I really truly do, but there is only so much pain I can endure. So either allow me to heal so I can be your friend or...put that final nail in the coffin so I can finally bid adieu. With the way I am, I don't even want to know how ugly that last nail must be.

I have no idea if you show me your true self and put a facade on for everyone else or what. What are you doing?! I see how you post things on her page and she (every so often) leaves you something on yours. I hate Facebook, but deleting you would make things seriously complicated. Stop being such an idiot. You are really going to end up hurting yourself with what you're doing. You're being selfish, not thinking and you turned out to be nothing like what I expected. Currently, you are not a good person and need serious help. Stop making me your only go-to person. I can't handle it. My sleeping habit sucks, I don't eat, I lash out on people who don't deserve it...all because of you. Wake up and see just how much you've hurt me...and how horrible you've been overall.

Today has been rough. All I want to do is disappear in my bed. Things have been so great and then you manage to hurt me in such a way...I'm still in shock from your words last night. At some point, you stabbed me with a knife and then you come around from time to time to give it a good turn. I hope I'll be strong enough to take that knife out and get the hell away. I wish that day would come sooner than I think.

I was having a pretty awesome day today, until I found out what your evening plans were. Also why on earth did you contact me last night? Leave me alone. You're not entitled to live your life and ruin mine.

I love being ignored after I send well wishes and hope for your safety. You always consider yourself to be mature for your age, but that sure hasn't been shown through your behavior. Grow up before you next contact me. These games and your lack of communication have proven to be selfish, sad and nonsensical. The phases you go through are pretty ridiculous. Snap out of it.

Count me in with the Adele music! Even though I was already more than familiar with "Rolling in the Deep," my ex mentioned it so then I began to get annoyed with it whenever I heard it on the radio. Then someone mentioned "Someone Like You" on this forum and I gave it a listen and became hooked. It makes me a little more angry than sad. I need to make an effort to stay away from Adele and Christina Perri because they sure wear on you after a lot of listening. Hugs to you guys. Try and avoid the sad break-up songs. Easier said than done though. ____________________________________________ Today was a good day. I didn't need you and you weren't on my mind much. Continue to ignore me and pretend that your life keeps you preoccupied and "busy."

@PhotoWoman - You hang in there too. Take care of yourself and try not to let your heart win over too many times. It's good to be able to relate to others going through the same thing, however I wish it was through something more positive than break-ups and messes such as these. I wish you all the best and may we both find happiness sooner than later.

I have no idea why I am so afraid to completely lose you as even just a friend. You have more to lose than I do. All I'd be losing is a few uncaring, selfish text messages from time to time. You would be losing an honest, loving person who would do anything for you...and then some. I don't know what makes you special enough to be entitled to treat me the way you do. No one else has ever had that kind of power over me in my life. I don't like being depressed and sulking around when I am generally a happy person who loves to laugh, smile and be filled with random energy. If you want to consider me as just your friend, why do you say some the things you do and hold onto some of the things you do? Sometimes I wish I could pull something like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and erase you, BUT even given our situation, I'd find my way back to you. It makes me mad thinking that because you don't deserve me in any way, shape or form. Where do your efforts lie? I wish I knew what was on your mind because I've been shut out, to grasp in the dark. You hate when I guess things, but you leave me to over-think these assumptions because you never tell me what's going on until it's too late. Why let it build and build until the pressure is so intense it explodes into something it never had to. Right now you're the person I didn't fall in love with. Unfortunately, I rarely see that side of you anymore but when I do it's a real treat. How many bad things am I willing to endure to where the good moments aren't rewarding enough? I'm to blame for that. No one should ever have to handle this much, when there is more negativity than positivity in the friendship. Right now my hands are tied and my heart is heavy and weak. My mind knows what's up, but hopefully the rest of me can catch up soon.

Wow, I am on a roll with this thread this weekend... __________ Just heard from you and I feel worse. I'm not sure if it's because I have made it more difficult by somewhat holding onto hope or because you seem to have already instantly transitioned into friend mode. How can you do that? I wish I could change my attitude that quickly after being so in love. Was it all one-sided most of the time? Did you just like the feeling you got from someone who honestly did love you completely? At least I am proud for sticking up for myself tonight and getting certain things out that I wanted to. You had to know that what you were doing was wrong. By that, I mean contacting me after a night of drinking and laying out the exciting details of the night. You're usually drunk but tonight you weren't, but I get this feeling like it doesn't matter if it was me you were talking to...you just wanted to talk and share these events that were big to you. I hate questioning that...the "why me" and then when I have things I want to get out, you want to run away from any form of conflict or anything involving "us." Sorry, I can't switch into friend mode within a matter of months. You can't tell someone you wish to be with them forever and no one else and then be like "oh hey, what's up" the next. Makes me believe you are either really immature and have no concept of what real love/a real relationship is or that you are hiding so deeply inside a thick shell that you are unwilling to expose any emotions. I almost hit that eff you button because I am so tired of bulls***, these kiddie games that I believed you were above. I guess not. The real question is the one I need to ask myself, which is "how long am I willing to play them?" I'm so torn because I want to be your friend, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to do so. You've played with my heart, taken advantage of my warmth and kindness and given me the impression that you don't give a care. I feel stupid for saying I missed you and asking you some of the things I did. I want to go back in time and slap myself for being too easy and too vulnerable. I shouldn't give my heart away so easily. I want it back. Please give it back to me and leave it alone. I'd rather have it empty and alone than be for the wrong person.