nycpetit

I don't know exactly what my feelings are..that is the problem. I guess I felt that I belonged when i was there..I mean there was nothing I felt I wasn't allowed to do..it is a rental though..not really his space either..not his furniture and not his house. But I realize that when I am apart from him..the doubtful things he has said to me just reverberate..and it makes me sometimes mad at myself that we are where we are right now. Because I know that I want more than he is giving...that I want what was and and not what is. I don't know that he will be ready for engagement anytime soon again. It is odd...we never really said that we weren't. Nothing has ever really been defined one way or the other. I just know that he hasn't honestly been there for me in a long time..and not consistently when he was. I feel that perhaps in observing his commitment to me before, when he was sure he wanted us, that now is really just sort of half-assed...and that engagement would likely not have taken place the first time except that he felt compelled (perhaps) to ask since we were living together at that point and he had always said it was what he wanted for us. But financially he wasn't ready then either, and is no closer now. It is hard because one part of me says that we need to grow through this time together now in order to know what is next. He keeps saying he wants the pieces to fall where they will on their own naturally..and not because we are living together. And that he wants things to have a chance to blossom because of what he does feel for me. But it is hard on the other hand because I feel we already went down that road...why are we starting over again??? arg Natalie

I wrote here a few weeks ago...so sort of long winded to go through it all again. I guess in a sense my ex and I never really became an ex...it is sort of confusing. He left for a new job about six weeks ago that is two hours drive/train away from our apartment. I have taken on full rental resp. for this place, and he has one out there. He couldn't continue with the job he had here, so that was one reason for leaving..but then he also was having problems deciding what he wanted with us..we were engaged and living together for almost two years. He had major financial problems and I got sick (chronic kidney problems) so we each had issues that were hard. In any case...he was to take the job, and we were going to still see one another on weekends, and perhaps have me move out there in Jan. if he was happy with the new job. But after he left...he wanted a break..time and space to clear his head and focus on the new job. He came back after a month..and stood me up for a dinner date..then showed up later that night. completely drunk..and telling me that he had been nervous about seeing me again..afraid we would rehash all the old stuff over again, and yet that he missed me terribly, felt safe with me..and missed that feeling..and that he loves me greatly. So we talked some the next day (after he sort of recovered post hangover) and then we talked that week. He asked me to come out for four days..so I did...and we had a nice time. So now he is coming here this weekend...but I wonder..what is going on really? Can something good come of this..or for how long will it seem sort of non-commital? He is already talking about coming back to the city permanently at some point, or having me come to live there..but it's hard..we were engaged...and I don't see that he is really at that point yet. Any advice? I guess I am wondering if we ever did break up...or what the heck is going on? thanks for reading anyway Natalie

find that so hard to believe...really, that he is seeing someone else. It has never been his style in the past or with me. But man, it would make it easier if I knew..then I wouldn't feel any need to find closure. What i can't understand is why he won't send my stuff back. Since I can't go there to get it..it just doesn't make sense. The reason I don't think he is seeing someone else is because he works six days a week until eight pm...started the first day out there...starts the day at five am. And then he goes to the gym. I just don't think that would be the case. I wish I could ask him flat out... I do want my stuff back though..I just don't know how to go about getting it.when i ask him to send it he gets mad and says I am not giving him time..that is what doesn't make sense. He won't let go and he won't hang on. Natalie

HI, I am new to this board. My ex (who was my fiance) got a job offer two hours away and we both decided it was best for him to go..so he did . I stayed in our apartment...it didn't make sense for me to go...this was two months ago that the decision was made..he left a month ago. So in the month from the decision until he left...we had a huge fight because he had been back and forth on me going with him..but also back and forth on our relationship for some time. I had begun to feel it was hypocritical to be wearing the engagement ring (which was a fake one..he had major money problems throughout our relationship, and there was a ring on hold in a diamond district since January that he was not putting money on save for twice) because he was so back and forth. We had some fights..more of it seemed like bickering..we lived together, have been faced with major things during our almost two years together..him three different jobs and a lot of debt, me an illness and graduation from school and what to do next...both with plans to move (actually to a place much like where he is living now..quiet and out of Manhattan)..but financially and/or jobwise it just never seemed like we were planning together. Back to the month before he left, we had a big fight...and yet..he stayed here for the month before he left...actually I don't think he really wanted to though...I think he felt wrong doing so even though we had sex, went out to eat..went to the beach together, he talked of future plans and coming back a lot..would get mad at me if I would point out that likely we were not going to see one another much with the distance separating us...a two hour drive for him..or train ride for me. He ssid that it was crazy for me to think that he wouldn't be back all the time. But I sensed in that month that our fight had pushed his doubts to a point that when he was gone..maybe he would never really come back...however..he didn't act that way towards me in any real way..he called me all the time during the day just to say "i love you" and we cooked together at night ..talked things through. Well, he left Sept. 5th and took mostly just clothes. In the next two weeks, he was to have come "home" (as he put it) on three occasions..and at the last minute never did. I know he wanted to talk and email everyday...but I soon started to realize that may have been more out of guilt on his part..because sometimes he didn't...usually he did though...but more oddly...he was mad at me on the phone..saying his life had been hard with money and work...we had fought too much...that he needed space..I am not allowed to come out there to see him because he isn't ready to introduce me to his life out there. That was the first I had heard of it.and it was only three days into his arrival out there. By the second weekend I told him I needed the same respect as him to come and get his things...he didn't have my stuff all around him..and so it was unfair for me to be living here with these constant reminders. He got really angry but came back that following Saturday...sobbed his eyes out..said it was hard because sometimes he wanted to just drive back to see me. I couldn't understand the drama...when he left..we were still together...just obviously not going to be able to see one another as much. He was only here for a couple of hours...and then left...as soon as he was gone..he was back to the self-preservation mode of no terms of endearment and no words of love. In person of course that had slipped away...he was talking about how he knew he would definitely want to spend time with me later...just needed time to get over the bitterness and get himself together. However..it has now been a month. I got tired of calling him and only lightly asking if he might be back on a given weekend (because he would have already put that possibility out there) to have him get mad at me and shout about the relationship..that I am pushing him..that he feels time will bring him back to me. He called a few times to "check up on me and see how I am doing." Those I don't usually respond to. I mean..it's like I have to break the ties completely because it doesn't seem that he will. When I told him last week that I needed him to send back some pictures he took (he wanted tons of pics of us and took a lot) and some books he took..he got mad at me and said I wasn't giving him time or space. But here he was the one who wanted to talk and email all the time..well, that might have been fine ..but after a month here before going..after he left he became so mad about everything. Now sometimes he will send me a one line email...like that it is getting cold and had to turn on the heat in his house. I sent him a card for his 30th bday for this coming Sunday.I debated for a long time..but decided it seemed unfair to let it go unnoticed. His voice just has this coldness to it...then when he came back here to get stuff two weeks ago..he was a blithering idiot in tears and saying that if he spent time with me too much now that he would question his decision to be out where he is, lose his focus and not be able then to get his bills and life in order. So, what am I supposed to do? He has some pictures and books that i would like back. I got stuck with our full rent (his expenses out there are far less..I did that to help him..not realizing he was really kind of leaving) and he still has stuff here..regardless he will have to come here one day..even if it just at the end of our lease in Feb to get his tv, vcr, dvd, air co, microwave, stereo, rest of his clothes. If I ask to move on...say I am..he whines likes a hurt dog...says he will mail my stuff back and then doesn't....he doesn't call or email with any regularity but does do both sometimes....Keeps maintaining he needs time and space...and just wants to be alone..to focus and drown in work...so then why did he propose and semi-follow through with phone convos everyday since leaving??? I miss him terribly..still being in our home..it is so hard to let go..and I didn't know that maybe I was supposed to. What is this type of "time and space" he is talking about..to still talk...that he will definitely want to see me he just doesn't know when..and thinks that time will bring him back to me. When he came back two weeks ago he was talking about taking a vacation together later..I was almost tempted to get us tickets to go somewhere for Thanksgiving since if we were to reconnect or talk somewhere..it would have to be somewhere away from this apartment. It just seems too convenient that he was able to "run" and separate himself from here..while I am stuck in our home..and he doesn't let me know when he is coming back... do I do something to get closure? I joined an online dating thing to try and get out..just to date..it happens to be the one on which we met..so I wonder if he will see it..and use that as a decision to end things completely..on one had he says that I am my own free agent to do as I please..on the other hand he says that he doesn't want to talk or think about us dating other people. What do I do? I feel like if I have moved on to date other people..he should know..since we never officially broke up.....arg..confused Natalie