Philabonia

My subconscious still has not let you go...I dream of a reconciliation, only to awake to an empty room. At first, the pain cut me deep, but now I am used to seeing you only when I sleep. Why do I contort my life to keep you in it? I know you are far too gone to warrant any kind of hope. But still, I feel like I should care; I feel like someone has to, to validate the last few years of my life. If I just shrugged my shoulders and put this cross down, would you care at all? 5 months, Lo. 5 months of no contact from you in any sort of emotional way. You have never reached out to see how I am doing. What happened to you? Why are you so callous? This is not the person I knew; you are not the women I dream of. I know I did a lot of dumb things, but I deserved more than nothing at all. I deserved so much more than a lifetime of questions, with your only response being a single pair of footsteps, fading into the shadows of what has been. In time, I expect you to think of me; I do not hold out hope, but I do realize that you are human. You will have your heart broken, and you will learn of empathy the hard way. And, in time, I might be able to be there for you to help you through that--that's not me being weak, thats called being a decent person. I will always be there for you, Lo; I love you just as much as I always have. I can forgive you for what you have done, but I doubt I can forget. I doubt I could ever give you a second chance; I've seen the worst side of you, and know what you are capable of. I'd rather remember holding your hand as we drive those twisting mountain roads, surrounded by beauty as we cut through the crisp fall air. Those were our days; those were good days. I'll hold on to them, when no one else will. Who you were lives on in those memories, no matter who you are today. God I love you.

I guess I must resign myself to watching your life apart from mine pass as pictures on my computer screen. Funny, I watched you sleeping only a few months ago... I hope you get lupus.

How can you be so heartless - not just the song. I have been a prisoner in my own mind for the past 5 months, while you have moved on and lived your life. Was I dreaming, or did you cry the last time we were together? Did you not hold me tight? The last time I saw you makes this all so hard to understand, babe. We held each other for hours before I had to leave. It was us at our best. Not two weeks later, we were done...how could you do that to us? How?? I'm not sure I'll ever understand. I'm having a hard time understanding that you can just move in with another man a few months after the most serious relationship of your life ended. Did I not matter to you? I hope one day you contact me and try to explain yourself, because until then, I'm not sure I'll be able to understand exactly what happened. This is such a shame.

I send you a message, just asking to talk. Its been 5 months. You say nothing - instead, you decide to share with the world that you are in a new relationship, and put up pictures of your new boyfriend (who looks like a young ricky gervais by the way...ehh). I guess you needed to feel like the attractive one in the relationship. That is really sad. Here I am, acting nothing but decent and kind to you, and you are too spineless to even answer me back with a "I have a new relationship; it wouldnt be right to him." I would totally get it - unlike you, I am a decent human being. I hope karma is hell. I hope that he leaves you like you left me. I do not hope you are happy. I hope you feel the pain you have dealt me. I know I was wrong a lot of the time, but I have suffered for my sins, and made the necessary changes. You have yet to suffer for yours, and how I hope you burn. The sad thing is, you still think you are right. Maybe one day, life will show you how very wrong you were. I will no longer try to contact you - have a nice life.

I just want to talk to you about nothing in particular. I wish you could just chat. Though I would love a reunion, I'd settle for hearing your voice right about now. I miss everything - 5 months later, and I realize I have thought about nothing but you. If thinking about someone you cant have at all times isn't a prison within itself, I dont know what is....

Lo, I am going to try and be quick. I honestly am pretty confused as to where to go from here with you. I feel the urge to try and talk to you, though I think you still see me for who I was. I realize that you have moved on, and were gone long before you physically left. In all honesty, I have moved on from that point as well; I find myself enjoying this life far more than I ever thought I would. Nonetheless, I miss you. I miss my friend. The time apart has only reaffirmed that. Yet, whenever I reach out, you shut me down. Before, you said it was because I brought up the past. I got that. But I gave it time, healed, changed some things, and now am ready to be at least be friendly and caring to you. It took time, but I genuinely know what I want. Still, I feel like I’m being shot down every time I try to extend an olive branch. I remember you telling me you wanted to have some sort of relationship—friends, I guess. If you don’t want to be or are not ready, or would like us to go our separate ways, just let me know – I don’t want to bug you any more than you want me bugging you. No matter what, realize that I’m still me L—I’m not a stranger. Yes, things ended, and there are parts that still make no sense; I still can’t see just how we ended up like this, but that is not important. What I really want to know, and what keeps me up at night, is how you are; how is your new life? What I’m trying to say is, is that just because external situations may change, doesn’t make it wrong to care about one another. Though we now live our lives separate, it doesn’t change the fact that we had a bond. You can still talk to me, and I am still here for you no matter what. You need to know that I do care a great deal about you, even though I feel a lot of resentment between us. I’m pretty sure I always will. I’m not sure things such as love ever truly fade, as pain and anger do. I have changed, and I want to let you know that at the end of the day, I will always have a place for you in my heart. What more could one person ask out of another in this life? You helped me get to where I am, and you made me realize who I wanted to be; I cannot thank you enough for that, and I am forever grateful. So, I guess theirs is nothing more to say than I hope you are happy, and to do what makes you so. Cheers. PS – hope the family is well

School has helped to take my mind off of things during the day, but some nights, I miss you so much that I cannot not think of anything other than holding you again. Other times, I am so angry at you for how you handled everything that I wish we had never happened. I find myself avoiding the reality of it all, simply to dull the pain. But, the passions are starting to subside, and I am left with what lies below the surface. It boils down to the fact that I still really do care for you. After everything that we have done to one another, I still think about you with love in my heart – I realized I have always felt this way, yet I was simply blinded by other things to realize what was important in my life. Call it immaturity, call it taking a good thing for granted, whatever– for once, I am not trying to get you back, but being honest with myself. Let me say that I do not regret what happened to us; I feel that, in the predicament we were in at the end, something as drastic as your email needed to happen. I needed to change, not only for extrinsic purposes, but for myself. I was in an odd funk, where I felt like I had so many people expecting so many things out of me that I couldn’t be or do what I wanted. I felt 40 far before I should’ve. I wasn’t happy, and I took that out on you. I did not mean to nor did I even realize it at the time, but misguided intentions mean peanuts in the long run. It’s a shame that it took something like this for me to realize how wrong I was, and how much you really did mean to me, but I guess everything happens for a reason. I do wish we could’ve gotten that second chance your email spoke of; I do believe I could’ve been so much better than what I was, simply because I knew where I had gone wrong in the past. Unfortunately, it seems you have no interest in reconnecting with me, and that is ok; I have long since accepted that you have moved on, and you were emotionally gone long before you physically left. Though it has been hard for me to understand just how you accomplished such a feat, I have ceased trying to figure all my questions out, and have simply accepted what is. Hopes become dreams, and time has a funny way of making you forget what you even desire. Now, I only wish you happiness in your new start; I had some of the greatest moments of my life with you, and I can only hope that you find someone that makes you realize your own joy in the way you did me. I really did appreciate every moment we spent together; you were the biggest piece of the greatest part of my life so far. You helped me get to where I am, and you made me realize who I wanted to be; I cannot thank you enough for that. Part of me wants to try and keep in touch, but, as circumstances are, I do not think that will be possible. Your lack of interest, though understandable, is painful for me. As much as I have “moved on,” and gotten over what happened, the fact remains that I do care a great deal about you. I always will. I’m not sure that is something you get over, but merely overlook as time adds new layers. So, unless you would like to talk about things or maybe be friendly instead of communicating through this cold cordiality, I cannot see us being part of each other’s lives, as much as it breaks my heart. No matter what happens, know that I do love and care about you; I’m not telling you this to be coy or chivalrous, but to let you know that at the end of the day, someone loves you. What more could one person ask out of another in this life? Its simple things like that which comforted me when things got dark. Maybe one day you can find solace there too. I wish you well babe – I hope you find what you are looking for. Take care. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is what I want to send you; Instead, I simply call and leave a voice mail, asking about whether you put the check in the mail. Is this what we have been reduced to? I really do hope you're happy (not saying that sarcastically) - if you are, then good; if you are not, then stop treating me like I killed your dog.

Its your birthday - I texted you. Just two words and an exclamation point - "Happy Birthday!" You said "thanks." Why must you pretend like we never shared a life together? I know you are with someone else (Im not so dumb that I cant figure things out on my own), but you and I both know thats a fling. Though I see more and more clear that you made an ENORMOUS mistake breaking up with me (I mean, the guy is unemployed and looks like Ricky Gervais...seriously?), I cant help but still care for you. I wish you would just reach out and see how Im doing. Its hard enough pretending I'm ok that I'm fine with how things are...but I never expected you to accept that. But whatever - Happy Birthday, the first one without me.

its 1:00 am...who knows where you are...hell, who knows who you are anymore. I'm still so broken, babe. I pretend that I'm getting better, and things are getting easier, but at night, reality sets in. You are all I think about, all I dream about - I'm not sure if what we had was worth this pain. I try to be happy for you, but I'm still so angry - angry at the way you left me all alone. I'm not even sure I've gotten stronger. I just survive. Some days are hard, other are brilliant. But no matter what, you are on my mind. When does it get easier? When do you realize that you're better off alone? Right now, I would rather be in that dysfunctional relationship than feel how I do tonight - the memories are fading for sure, but the feelings we once shared remain. When do they fade? I hope you have a happy birthday - I do want you to be happy, deep down. But I want you to recognize how hard I am trying to be happy myself. That is the key. That is why we became what we did. I was never happy, and that fault is mine. Nonetheless, I am doing everything I can to change who I am, not for you, but for my own future. Whether you choose to be in it or not, I am trying to learn to be happy down the road. Please recognize that.

So I guess you moved out and are living somewhere else now?? It feels so strange not to know anything about your life, after we spent years being such integral parts of each others... Your birthday is in two days - I sent a card. I plan on texting you by Thursday if I dont get some kind of response. I dont know why I am doing this...its been two months of NC - I guess an occasion such as this is a good time to check in. I know you dont care, but I still do. I love you so much - I cant help it...I see now that what we had was so great, and I messed it up; for that I am truly sorry. I wish I had the balls to call.

For once, I feel strong - its been a long time since Ive felt ok. Im sure its only momentary, and that it will pass, but it feels nice to know that its still possible. I spoke to J - she helped to make me feel good again. That was your job, not hers. I know I should be trying to make myself happy, but it seems that I still need help. Either way, you were not there, and she was. Why? I hope that, whatever you are doing, it is making you happy, because if you only knew what you are missing out on with me - fall is coming, our favorite time of year. We could reconcile. But I dont see that happening. Somehow, fate deems it ok to let the girl that ruined me initially, brighten my day. Hell, maybe some years down the road, you will do the same for me. Until then, remember the last time we saw eachother, the most pure moment of my life.

Ok starting the challenge - I already did one month a while back, but I caved. Besides, one month from today is her birthday, and I will say happy bday to her then (I would do that anyways - Im not that mean of a person). Going to block her on fb...already deleted all of our old pictures. That is a huge step for me - it too me about 3 hours to untag them all. I guess I am finally giving up real hope, though I dont doubt that some part of me will always hang on. I dont think she cares - I want to get to that point. Wish me luck.

2 years - you were my best friend and my companion in everything. I literally cannot tell a story to my friends that does not involve you somehow. We lived together, we adopted a dog together, you let me take you on a cruise after we graduated, you sent me a letter a week before we split saying how much you missed me. Remember that time you cried in the hotel, saying how much you worried I would find someone else when I moved? That was less than a month before you walked out of my life, leaving me with only a 15 minute conversation, before you cut me off entirely. Now, you wont talk to me, and I have a thousand questions that I could ask. - How could you do this? You cried over ridiculous things (Im sorry, but Wall-E wasnt that sad), yet you can be so callous as to leave me without so much as a goodbye? - If you had "felt like this was coming" for a while, why didnt you sit me down and tell me how you felt? Not once did you let me know how you felt, or the verity of our situation. - Why did you hold everything in? When I apologized for things, I assumed you accepted it without hesitation, as I did yours. You were no angel yourself. - Did you feel trapped with me in our apartment for those last months? - Was/is there someone else? I hope there is, because it would make this all easier to understand - Why are you so spineless? Seriously, saying you want a "break" over email? Please. And only after you move away? Be an adult, and tell me what is up, WHEN IT IS HAPPENING. The miles between us doesnt dull the pain. - You fooled around on Chris when you told him you wanted a "break." Why would I be open to that? I know it was years ago, and you were young & dumb(er), but still - that's not a good track record. - What did I do to deserve this? I know I wasnt perfect, and I treated you poorly towards the end, but I never stopped loving you, or telling of that. I have a ton of regrets, but at least I know what my faults are. - How can you forget about me? You were my world. We traveled everywhere and did literally everything together. 'Nuf said. - How do you fall out of love with someone so quickly? We were so passionate, and it was easy to see where the stress on our relationship came from. It wasn't internal problems, it was external. WE were fine! Or so I thought... - Do you still hold out any hope for the future? Your email was all about hope, but, absent the stupidity of hope my heart feeds to my brain, I can find none in your actions. - Do you miss me? I miss you every time I see a Dunkin Donuts, hear a Kings of Leon song, look at the empty seat next to me in my car, drink out of one of our old cups, watch our old TV - pretty much, I miss you because I see you in everything I do. Theres a billion more questions, but those are off the top of my head. Now, heres the stuff I really want to say to you. - Once again, thanks for letting me drop 3 grand on a cruise, when you told your friend a month before that "there was no way this was going to work out" after we moved. - Thanks for letting me be daddy ever since your DUI. I loved having to drive you everywhere and do everything for you WITHOUT you helping to pay for gas. - Thanks for letting me pay the $150 cable bill (so high because you sat around and ordered movies all day) for three months straight because you were low on cash, then get upset when I told you to go out and get a job since you were only taking 3 classes. - Thanks for not supporting me and understanding the late nights when I was writing my thesis. BTW - its published now, and I'm getting all the royalties. See, it was worthwhile. - Thanks for helping me move, like you said you would. - Thanks for gaining 30 lbs and then getting upset with me when I told you that it was unfair that I worked so hard to lose the football weight, but you could let yourself go. You were not the person I started dating - she was not you, at the end. - Thanks for becoming part of my family befriending my little sister for two years, and then leaving all of them without ever saying a word. They only bought your *** plane tickets and gave you money when you needed a hand. - Thanks for telling me "I wont hurt you," when I had my reservations after Jean. You were wrong. - Thanks for skewing my perception of all women. - Thanks for never sending me the $200 you owe me like you said you would. - Thanks for leaving me in ambiguity for weeks, only to post pictures of you all over some guy. I guess thats a great way of letting me know how you feel. Words wouldve been much easier. - Thanks for letting me spend 2 years of my life with you, expecting to spend the rest of it, only for you to walk out at a time when I needed you the most. I know I did messed up things. It is I to blame for the end of us. I said and did stuff that, in a relationship, should be in a book called "how NOT to keep your girlfriend." I was in a bad place, and took you for granted because of all the stressors. I know I said I wouldnt - I didnt mean to, but life got hectic, and I forgot what was important. I realize all of that, and understand why it had to end. BUT, what I do not get is why you are acting like this! Ever since we ended, I have done the best I can to fix the things about me that we both disliked - what have you done? I hope that, one day, you remember everything about what happened, and not just your perspective. Remember that you did not make it any easier with your depression. Seriously, I woke up at 6, worked and went to school, went to the gym, and I would come home to a dirty place, and you sitting right on the couch where I left you. How could you want to drop out of college with only 1 semester left? Why did you get mad at me when I told you that was ludicrous? YOU were the one who chose to drive drunk, yet I had to pay. But you know what, I did all of that, and took care of you and did all that was asked, because I LOVED YOU. I loved you more than you will ever know. That is probably why I am still on this site, bleeding my heart out, even though I know you were not good enough for me. I am ambitious and I know what I want out of life, yet you left me like I was a deadbeat. You, a person waiting tables and still living at home, left me, a published author with two degrees and studying for a doctorate. I really do hope you see the error of your ways one day, but for some reason, I doubt you will. You are not the person I thought you were, and the girl I loved is dead. I do hope you find yourself and are happy, but I do not wish to remember what we had. Its too painful to know that such good things can be fake. For once, you win.