junebug123

On 11/22/2021 at 5:44 AM, Tinydance said:

Have you tried online dating before? And by "online" I mean matching women in your area that you can actually meet in real life lol

I have tried online dating before. Most of my relationships are like this. I usually sleep with them within the first, second or third date otherwise I move on. 

This goes for women who I’ve met in real life, although this usually causes me problems with mutual friends so I try not to do that as much anymore.

2-3 months into the relationship I realize I’m not that invested and sabotage the relationship. In my twenties it was a lot easier, I was young, full head of hair, and way more aggressive. It was really bad when I was online dating because I spent a lot of time just messaging women like all the time and going on dates. 

I got laid a few times and one time it actually led to a relationship but I ended up cheating on her for dumb reasons. Not sure if we were compatible anyways thou because I have a very high sex drive and usually only about 10% of the people I ever meet can satisfy it.

Took about 4 years off from dating to work on myself. And I’m just rusty and more conservative, that coupled with the fact that in my thirties I started balding my looks started falling off that or my self esteem, not sure what’s going on anymore. 

Anyways, yeah....

Well, the trick is to allow yourself to just feel whatever comes up and just grieve. Most people don’t understand why certain feelings take over your life.

Mainly it’s because we give power to them. The best way to give power to something is by trying to suppress it. By avoiding the feeling you do harm to yourself. 

Once your able to accept the loss and realize that it hasn’t killed you, then maybe you can move on.

32 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I am sorry and I understand your frustration.   Yet, you didn't answer the question about considering therapy and asking for help.

I started going to therapy at a young age around 14. I never really connected with any of the therapists I spoke to. I think in total it was about 4.

The last one was when I was in my early twenties and having a very rough time. He was probably the smartest one and charged the most too (100 an hour). He had a way of asking me questions that immediately hit me at the root of my issues and caused me to break down on more then one occasion.

Of course I was cocky back then, thinking my emotional stability was more a manifestation of a chemical imbalance, then a self induced one. This was sort of narcissistic thinking where I believed I knew more the therapist. Probably the main reason none of them could get through to me.

For some strange reason the expensive one offered to play me in a game of chess, as a way of trying to connect with me. I’m not sure that he realized that he was playing for his job, and that losing to me would cause me to lose faith in his ability to solve my problems. 

Sorry, I’m ranting again. Ugh this isn’t healthy. Yeah, your right. I need help. Alright, I’ll see what I can do once I get my health care again.

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

It's just no offence but you seem kind of desperate. You keep coming to the bar and forcing yourself to drink just to pursue this woman. I also think people who are alcoholics just sir in the bar and talk to anybody for company. And I think there's a chance she wouldn't care if you were there or not. Even if you don't come, she'll still sit there and drink and talk to other people. She might be talking to you for many reasons but they might not necessarily be that she's romantically interested in you. She might just like your attention, she likes company, and/or she's plainly just drunk and "going with the flow".

You want to know something crazy. I think this is about the third time I started to catch feelings for someone like straight away in the past 3-4 months.

The pattern in the same. First time was this girl online I wrote about that already, oddly enough I still think about her from time to time. She was the one that had the deepest impact on me, so much so that she was able to bring up so many feelings that I had been suppressing over the years.

Next was this girl who I played sports with. She had a boyfriend at the time but she was getting old (29 wanting kids) and looking for someone who was doing better off in life finically (obvious reasons, she was an accountant who was well off, her boyfriend mowed the lawn at a golf course).

I had that (remote development job) and more (on the intellectual side) so we spoke for a while, but there was always the fear she would lose her partner or 4 years. Eventually I think he found the texts messages and either threatened to end the relationship or she just cut me off for her own reasons.

It wasn’t personal and I saw her a few times after we stopped texting, I know she still had feelings but I respected her space and felt like I could do better (she was being hot and cold as well, with self esteem issues).

Finally the bar fly. I went to the bar again last night hoping she would be there and in better spirits. I suspect she’s seeing someone and was using me for company. I also think that’s the reason she didn’t want to give out her number but, I realize now that she probably was attracted to me.

As for moving out, I’ll probably be doing that sometime soon. I was able to save up a couple thousand by now and I can probably afford to start paying off my loans with my old job. I was making 35 an hour there, the newest job was 50 but like I said they let me go. As far as money and people go, I really don’t care what women think in respect to my lifestyle at all really.

Maybe I’m delusional, I guess I imagine that I could meet someone who shares my values. I have massive school loan debts 70k and the a single bedroom or studio apartment around me is like 1600-1700 in a bad neighborhood or further away from the city.

Yeah, roommates... That thought doesn’t really assume me much. I thought of just moving states where living is more affordable. That or just buying a RV and living in there and rent a small office room (co-working space) with internet for about 150-200 a month.

Anyways thanks for listening and replying. This has been helping me to sort my thoughts more.

11 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

Have you considered therapy?   It might be well worth it to get to the core of why you are unhappy and seek validation from questionable women who merely pay attention to you.  Or seeking attention from questionable women who don't.

If ultimately you would like to feel content with life and have healthy view of yourself, you will seek better quality partners.  In return you could lead a fulfilling life with meaning.  I can't think of a better investment.

Do you know what it’s like to be a single man living in your parents house in your mid thirties and getting rejected from 80-90 percent of the women you date, due to having an occupation which pays little money.

I basically spent last 4 years of my life in my room programming so that I could get a job and move out. I live in a very expensive city.

All this time, the only thing I would think to myself is if I finally land a good position and acquire wealth then I can finally be worthy of love. 

I had about 3 dreams which I wanted to achieve. Learn to understand and build my own RPG. Get a job in the industry which I did. Start my own video game company.

Every-time I achieved one of my goals I was left more depressed then I had ever been in my entire life. Feeling like my purpose to live was gone and really the struggle was all I ever wanted all along.

Every women I’ve ever dated where things were stable and secure only lead me to feeling bored and unchallenged. The only time I ever feel alive is when things are chaotic and I feel like I have to fight for my life.

Even after I achieved a well paying job and could finally afford to go to the bar, or the strip club or buy an expensive laptop or all the expensive game engine and network programming books that I fawned over, still the feeling remained after the moment subsided.

Recently, after that last episode where I got let go I realized the one thing that I was the most terrified of happened and I didn’t die. I had my dream job and it wasn’t what I expected... 

I finally realized how wrong I was about big corporations and the people who work in them. The entire time all I was ever seeking was validation and all I found was disappointment. It no longer mattered what other people thought anymore, I finally saw the wizard for who he was and I feel cheated.

More than anything I just feel angry at myself for allowing myself to believe that if I could convince the world that I was someone, then maybe finally I would actually believe it myself. 

Even now as I type this I want to go to the bar and hang out. The other night I just talked to this other younger girl until my crush finally left. I’m not sure if I scored a victory or if anyone is keep track, I’m sure that’s why people hate me. 

I know they are so ego based and it disgusts me. Reading the Fountain Head it’s like the nightmare that Protagonist experiences is my every waking moment. I am just constantly surrounded by these materialistic people who I can’t relate or sympathize with.

Yeah, fair enough. I came to the bar again tonight and she was like ready to leave as soon as I came in. Not sure if it was personal or not, she said hi to me, but then after I just sat by myself she seemed to relax and stay longer.

I think you guys are right, I probably came off as too aggressive and didn’t realize it. Also, this is dumb stressing some barfly.

I think with my beer googles off she wasn’t as attractive as I imagined her to be. This usually seems to be the case in situations where someone gives me a little attention.

Anyways, I think there were a lot of red flags and I just ignored all of them, and I think in retrospect I’ve been doing that to like 80 percent of my past relationships. It’s not that I want to be in a dysfunctional relationship, it’s  probably more that I’m lonely and just willing to settle.

It’s weird how I came be so close to someone and them just act so hot and cold with me. I’m like sitting her at the bar a few feet away from her but just keeping my distance because like many of the women in my life she just acting hot and cold. 

I really hate myself for falling for these women, I know if I just start ignoring her and talking to other girls, she will light up. Why do insecure people always behave this way. I should just leave after I finish this drink and be done with the drama. Already feeling guilty for thinking about her so much after such a short period of time.

This is like the pattern I find myself in over and over again. Meet someone, fall hard for them, get heart broken or push them away if things get serious. Also, for ladies for fall for guys like me. Don’t take it personal, it’s extremely difficult for men like me to allow themselves to be vulnerable.

4 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

‚You were scared because an alcoholic(who is btw ready to admit that to somebody who she doesnt even know), with her inhibitors down because she was probably drunk, was direct to you and probably wanted sex? That is probably her MO, she gets drunk, some guy picks her up and then they go home lol. 

If you want sex you are way overthinking this. If you want a serious relationship, stay away from that girl. In fact, given this

rethink why you even let somebody like that to even be an option. 

I’m pretty sure she was not drunk. She told me it takes her like 15 drinks to get drunk. If anything she was slightly buzzed. 

I tried to keep up with her the first night and spilled my water after the fifth drink. Yeah, I think you guys are right about everything you’ve said so far.

I mean, from my point of view I haven’t got laid in like 4 years and this girl on the attractiveness level is about 6.5 - 7 for me.

Also, she can keep up with me intellectually, which probably means that I would have settled for a lot less in the looks department to find someone who I could have meshed with. 

I feel like last time we spoke about these circumstances with the girl that was a few states away, everyone tried to convince me not to fly over to see her and work on my issues. Now it’s the same thing only this one is like a few blocks from my house and probably lives in my neighborhood as well.

Its like you guys are telling a starving man not to eat the apple because the core is rotten. I get that...

Ugh, it’s almost like I just want you guys to tell me if she’s into me or not and your telling me to dodge a bullet...

The other night I met this girl in a bar. To be honest, I’m sort of at a low point in my life right now. I recently got fired from a better paying job in which, I wasn’t doing so well in but fortunately my old company was willing to accept me back on.

Im not really going to get into the details of what exactly happened since it was petty stuff (he said, she said...). But I’m here now and trying making the best of it.

So on the first night we just talked for most of the night, she was really chill but I noticed that when I tried to get close she sort of kept her distance from me. And when I asked her for her number she said she has a 3 meeting rule. That she needs to meet the person 3 times before she gives out that information.

Already I’m skeptical but it’s a bar near my house and I have a week in between jobs so I was just sort of going to relax, not really looking for anything.

She pretty much told me that she’s always there and admits that she’s an alcoholic, she’s always admitted more darker things but for some reason I kept finding that these are the only women that I keep letting into my life...

Last night I go there again and she confronts me after an hour of chatting. Actually we talked until 3 in the morning and the other night stayed till about 1 in the morning. She asks me why are you attracted to me.

I was kind of taken a back and didn’t know how to respond. Stupidly I asked her if the feeling was mutual and she told me that she’s attracted me. This kind of scared me right off, especially with how direct she was being.

I know this thread seems dumb because why would I be asking these questions but when I try to get close to her or make physical contact she kind of shys away from the touching, but doesn’t tell me to stop and doesn’t stop talking to me.

The feeling I get from this is that she doesn’t really know me and doesn’t want to be played especially because she frequents the bar a lot, and I have a feeling she wants to see how I interact with the other girls etc. etc.

Im not sure if I will go again tonight because I’m already getting exhausted of drinking but I really like this girl and want to see where it will go. Am I being insecure or is she just leading me on for attention/validation? 

I've been in a similar situation with a female on discord. All I can say is that some girls will open up to you right away and not have any problems telling you everything about themselves. 

Others, for whatever reason ( maybe she knows your into her and she has her guard up about that ) will withhold information. It's up to you if you want to continue talking to her and either lower your expectations and just accept it for what it is or move on.

I think the thing here is you can't force the person to trust you and if your not willing to accept what they are comfortable giving you, then its time to move on.

My recruiter pretty much told me upfront if I have any problems, just asked to get switched to another team. I can probably find another job for equal or lesser pay, but I just left a job to get this one and want to make it work here. Also the process for the background screening on this company was a nightmare and don’t won’t to go through that again.

As for the employees. Maybe your right, I should reach out more. On the few occasions I’ve reached out, I got sort of a brief explanation on things and they felt like that was enough, not talking time to ask if I understood anything. A young girl who never mentored anyone been at the company a year and a half and probably struggles at lot herself.

I got the impression she knows how to make things work, but doesn’t have a deep understanding of what any of the code is doing and probably leans a lot on the other members, so nervous in general.

The other person was pretty much like, “don’t bother reading the docs it’s pretty self explanatory”. Doesn’t bother to show up to meetings at times, I’m pretty sure he is a contractor who doesn’t really want to waste their time helping me.

The last and most knowledgeable person on the team is probably burned out from helping the first two I spoke about earlier, and was the one who interviewed me. I never bothered reaching out and my boss didn’t even bother telling me to ask him for help at all. 

1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

Thinking that you can master a complex job in just 30 day is an unrealistic expectation on your end. Give yourself 3-6 months to start to feel more comfortable and even longer until you feel confident.

Basically, when your expectations are unrealistic, you are setting yourself up to fail and then will fail because it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy as you focus more on your insecurities and anxieties than on what you actually need to master the job. It's toxic thinking and something you need to figure out how to step away from.

As for mastering your job - reading is good, but also try to identify some team members who are good at teaching/showing things quickly and are wiling to do so and then learn to ask concrete questions to speed things up.

Entry level employees get proactive training and hand holding. When you reach six figure levels, you have enough experience to figure it out and should be able to communicate well enough to get the info/help that you need without others having to check up on you and lead you and manage you. That said, nobody said that a job that pays that is going to be easy. It won't be and you should not expect smooth sailing. In fact, you should expect it to be challenging and constantly so.

You put this very nicely. I think part of the problem is that I found in prior positions that I could figure things out in a timely fashion or not worry so much if they did let me go, because I felt like I was over qualified for that they were paying me anyways.

It sort of feels like I’m going out with a hot girl and paranoid that the next dude that steps up is going to take her away from me. I think I feel even more out of my element because in most places I’ve worked before, I’m used to feeling special or smart.

Here, I’m just an average person... There are a lot of people that come from Ivy League colleges, and at times I feel like I’m just that new person that nobody notices or think will last.

Its really depressing. People just work like non stop here, everyone is trying to prove something and maybe I’m getting in my own head but it’s hard not to when you are put in these environments.

There isn’t really much my boss can do, I am sure that I am just one of a few teams that he is coordinating and he’s busy in meetings like all day almost everyday. Many of the managers are sort of working with multiple teams to coordinate things.

In the past I would work on many different aspects of an application but here it’s sort of just like people specialize in either middle end (me), frontend (web/mobile) or backend (dB). Anyways, I’ll take into account everything everyone has said. 

I appreciate the responses.

About a month ago I took a leap a faith and accepted a 6 figure offer from a very large company doing software development.

Needless to say things aren’t going as smooth as I would have wanted. It feels like the team I was put on is not really helping me much and there is a lot of internal tools to learn about. 

I’ve pretty much just been reading documentation for the past 2 and a half weeks straight. The code base is um, one of the most complicated that I have ever dealt with before. 

Even know I have made a lot of progress in the past two weeks, I still feel like I have a mountain to climb and my boss pretty much just expects me to figure things out.

I feel like I did terrible in the interview process but I was probably the most qualified for the job out of any of the other candidates and I had a feeling the other person interviewing wasn’t very excited about having me on the team.

I think I would feel better about the situation if I didn’t have so much pride as a developer. But everything is just so fast paced here, I feel like even the devs on my team struggle to keep up with the speed and there are so many people working on one project that making any mistakes can have an impact on 20-25 people...

There is so much pressure here. I feel like I’m not sure if I’m struggling from imposture syndrome or if the team feels like I’m going to hold them back. I feel like they will eventually just fire me if I don’t figure things out and start contributing, but I feel like I’m so out of my depth, ugh this is so frustrating.

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

She has always hammered me hard in the emotional sense to “ do what I should be doing” as she sees it. 

That's where you need to step back and not get confused with what's right for you, versus what she feels is right for you. It would be easy for you to tell her you don't need her help, if there wasn't any guilt attached to supplicating her needs; and prioritizing them over your own.

Is it possible to schedule time to spend with her? Maybe its less about her helping and more about feeling the need to support you. I know that even thou I am an adult my mom still loves being in that role of the protector and care giver. Sometimes having that ability makes us feel strong and competent, people more then anything want to be needed and cherished.

3 hours ago, turtle3 said:

Hello guys,

I just wanted to ask if someone knows what kind of personal disorder is when person has constant need to give you tasks, I mean you talk about every day life, and this person always tells you what you need to do, or what you could do better. One of my friends is doing that and I am really curious how is it called in psychology?

For example ,I have flat mate who constantly cook, I tell my friend on the phone "she is cooking again" in a way it is funny and friend tells me tell your flatmate this and that about cooking?!?!??!Why would I? Or I don't know what banal example, she always has snt to say what I should do, it is starting to be impossible to have normal conversation with her. Before I didn't pay that much attention on those things, but lately it really annoys me.

I usually call these AIDS angels in disguise. They sometimes provide a window into our own life's more then theirs. This person probably had a parent or boss who constantly told them what to do, and is probably just emulating that behavior. Personally, some people like that sort of attention, others find it annoying. Sort of just depends on if the advice is helpful and it can often be a mixed bag, great to have those people around if you need structure and organization in your life, but can be annoying if you are more inclined to be strong willed and independent.

I would probably just wonder why they advice is getting under your skin? I can imagine a child or animal trying to pull me in a direction, and just being firm with them letting them know in a controlled manor that I am in control of the situation and their input isn't necessarily. Of course if your insecure yourself, you will feel like this person is trying to control you. Sort of like the way a new employee offers advice to management and management sort of lets them know in a respectful but often firm way, that they are in charge...

I am in the process of signing the contract. It doesn't mention anywhere about contract to hire, I guess it didn't say that on the other contract either. If the contracting company tells me its a contract to hire position, is there a possibility that they are simply lying and after the contract ends ill just be terminated, even if I performed my duties well?

My current contract is for a year and a half. Even if I stay the six months and don't get an employment offer, it will still be good experience but for this decision and future decisions am I always rolling the dice as a contractor?

 

I attended the second interview today and my recruiter said that they will make a formal offer, even thou I feel like I did terrible in the interview. There were so many questions in relation to technologies that I wasn't familiar (multi threading, nosql, cloud computing, etc. etc.) with but, I guess the market is so limited for developers that they still went ahead and figured they could just train me anyways.

If you have read any of my prior threads you would realize that I am an extremely neurotic individual, so its not uncommon for me to assume the worse. I told others that I would attend therapy once I got health benefits but I have still yet to do so.  I am feeling very uncertain about this move and the pressure which will probably come with the new position. 

Not really sure if the workload will be more or less or consistent with my current occupation, and never worked at a company this large before so that will also be new to me. Right now we are moving forward with the onboarding process of showing proof of payment from prior positions, drug test and background check. Of course all of this is nerve racking and a huge red flag is that one of the positions that I listed on my resume was a person project, but of course without having that there my chances of being contacted by recruiters would have dropped significantly.

I am going to try to stay engaged at my current occupation although I have already leaked to one of my close co workers (another contractor) that I interviewed at this other company and admitted that it didn't go well. I am realizing after the fact, that was stupid but as I have few people to confide in, I guess I made a mistake with that one. Probably I will not reveal anything because if I don't get an offer for whatever reason I just jeopardized this current position. I feel like I should be happy right now, but all I feel is uncertainly as to how everything will unfold.

Maybe some survival mechanisms never leave us, even in the best of times...

Recently I acquired a job doing programming at a relatively small shop which has about 8-9 developers. I am employed as a contractor and am currently in a position where the company has trouble finding individuals with my skill set and knowledge of the codebase database.

3 months into the project a recruiter from an old interview who I thought had ghosted me asked me to interview with one of their clients. This is an extremely large company and the pay is 27k more then I am currently making and has a 3-6 month contract to hire period.

The current situation is a contract for a year and a half and potential for contract to be extended for an addition year after that. Also, the company seems to like me so its possible they might offer employment, but from what I am noticing that doesn't happen very often.

My next interview for the larger company is on Monday and it is supposed to be more of a formality, as I already interviewed with one of the hire ups and was forwarded to talk to a manager for one of the departments I will be working for.  My recruiter called me to say that the client wanted to pre-close me, meaning they wouldn't bother going with the second interview if I wasn't interested. And let me know that there is usually a 2-3 week period before the position is finalized.

My fear is that this position will either be a lot more work, micro management, structured and controlling then my current position. Yet, I fear if I reject the offer that I will be blacklisted from applying for this company in the future. Also, let's just say the company is in the top 50 of fortune 500 companies so having this on my resume will look extremely nice even if I just stay there for a short period of time (2-3 years).

Have you been in the position before and what are the reasons for not accepting the offer. I really don't want to accept the offer and be fired because the job is too difficult or demanding.  This is probably my worse fear as I have already secured a relatively good position and developed rapport with management and co-workers.

I love you, I'm giving myself till end of Dec to wallow then there will be no more of sad moi.

January will be about earning money, meeting new people and moving on. Can't believe there's been like only two days max out of two bloody months where I didn't cry over you. W t f is wrong with me? Why can't I just accept that you're gone, that I'll never hear your voice or see you again?

You're gone.

 

Why waste new years and Christmas over spilled beans. You would think that tomorrow could be about earning money and meeting new people and moving on. I know the feeling because i have been there plenty of times, i just feel that sometimes we are our own worst enemies . . . if that makes any sense. sorry if this was nosy.