junebug123

I went on two dates with this girl. I posted about her recently, things seemed to go fine each time and she seemed eager to meet. Recently, she asked me to go to a museum on Saturday after we hung out last Tuesday.

But it was scheduled to rained that day and she cancelled the day before. I told her I would check in with her incase it doesn’t rain but it ended up raining and then I asked her if she wanted to do something during the week. She replied letting me know her schedule.

It’s thursday night and she hasn’t let me know when’s she available to do something. She doesn’t have a particularly busy life, she works and goes to go the gym after work. My gut feeling is she’s either hanging out with friends or dating other people.

I know it’s soon but I felt like things were moving along smoothly and now it’s radio silence. I want to reach out, but I don’t want to act desperate and I feel like I left the ball in her court. 

What would you do in my situation?

16 hours ago, Cynder said:

It was 9 months ago today that the woman I was going to marry left me.  It was a brutal ending, too.

And Wednesday she moved out while I was at work.  There was no warning.  She didn't give me any explanation.  And she blocked me everywhere.  

Her response was to tell me what a disappointment and a POS I am. 

My ex is an alcoholic in denial.

My ex is miserable too.  But that doesn't make me feel any better.  Every 8 weeks or so she shows up and wants to talk.  Then when I get comfortable enough with her to start actually talking, she gets pissed, throws one of her fits and disappears on me again.  

 She's an alcoholic.  Her whole life consists of getting trashed and then functioning with a hangover.  

She's going to drink herself to death if she doesn't slow down.  

Does anyone have any thoughts on any of this?  Sorry this was such a long post. 

Sorry you took what I wrote as personal. I wasn’t trying to attack your character just pointing out certain personality traits. 

Sometimes when you go looking for answers, they aren’t always what you want to hear. I just tend to be extremely direct.

Post edit:

I think what I was trying to say, why do you care about what she does at this point. 

You can’t save anyone, they can only save themselves. Additionally, I made those comments because I’ve been in similar situations before and can understand the sentiment behind the behavior.

You sound like a gambling addict, addicted to the highs and lows of this toxic relationship. In your mind, not going through constant mood swings seems terrible because you get off on that.

Theres more to life then holding on to past relationships and old feelings. Your never going to see the future if your head is always turned back. This whole post reads like a savior complex, like helping your ex gives you meaning. When you get past this, and start focusing on your self, maybe then these co-dependent feelings will start to diminish.

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

This.

She is seeking validation.

Say for example you hire a worker for a certain wage. The worker complains about the job all the time and says he interviewing at all these other companies for more pay.

Do you keep them employed or do you fire them. You could literally have found someone else who is more excited and capable of working for you, but your settling for this terrible worker and you have no sense of boundaries.

When people are unhappy in relationships it’s because they accept terrible behavior. You need to have enough self respect to realize that if someone you love is admitting they are talking to other people, then something is off...

3 hours ago, Jessie_ay said:

I have ! He added me by phone number 

You remind me of this girl I once dated. I knew she clearly wasn’t over her ex even thou years had past. To be honest he wasn’t even that special of a guy, he worked out more then most and was a gifted athlete but the reality was that he was and is a drug dealer who peaked in his twenties when other guys were getting their life together.

She met him and when she was really young and impressionable. I think she had issues in general opening up to people, and she really opened up to him. Alas, he cheated on her and eventually stalked her on social media, while still pursuing other women.

For some reason she obsessed over this guy for years, thinking he was the one. Really it was a combination of tunnel vision and ego. If she just realized that she was nothing special, her ego wouldn’t have been that damaged. She elevated herself to such a status and wondered how anyone could ever cheat on someone like her, someone special.

Clearly, they have to be a god if they could even hope to get away with that behavior. Her ego wouldn’t allow her to simply walk away. So she got stuck in a loop, both realities couldn’t be true. Either he cheated and she was just another average girl who he quickly moved on from.

Or they were this power couple that had a small falling out and he was eventually going to fix up his act and confess his sins so she could forgive him. 

Fyi, it was never the latter, that’s just something she told herself to deal with the hurt and trauma.

Sounds like your just being insecure because you probably got intimate with him too soon. Now your wondering if he’s really with you for you, or for the Netflix and chill. 

Learn from this lesson, it takes men a while to warm up to a new partner. Sometimes we know immediately whether or not they have potential, but we don’t always reveal these details because of the comfort of course.

I wouldn’t waste time doubting yourself, if you like him just commit and see where it goes. If your insecure, that’s probably because you’ve been burned in the past and you are probably the type to always be insecure in these types of situations.

It sounds like your not ready to date. I would seek professional help to work on these feelings. When you work on yourself your more willing to deal with the consequences of your behavior, without worrying if you will be betrayed.

You sound like your burned out. Taking school too seriously. There’s moments in our life when we think a certain job, or education or relationship is going to impact the rest of our lives. 

As you get older you realize there’s no point in stressing these things. Having someone tell you what to do isn’t going to bring you out of this depression. You just need to stop going so hard on yourself and focus on things you can control. If you fall behind on school and have to withdraw from a class or two, it’s not the end of the world.

Take some time to focus on your health and your well being. 

He’s just bored. Your over analyzing it, doesn’t want anything otherwise he would have been more forward by trying to call you or contact some other way.

I’m not sure if I would have responded so strongly to someone who just rejected me. I just to put out the same energy I’m receiving. This way I’m not over extending myself.  When you keep things more relaxed and carefree it allows the other person to come and go.

My feeling from this whole post is she was looking for something casual and you started to get invested. 

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you mean Uber, train tickets, gas? If $5 is an issue for her, she seems unrealistic.

No it’s just train tickets and I’m certain she’s willing to come out to meet me as well. Ill take everything we spoke about into consideration and keep dating while being aware of some of the red flags I noticed. 

I know that I am no angel myself and people have the ability to change. I don’t want to just write someone off because that had a shotty past. Of course I’m not going to rush in and propose or try to get this one pregnant.

Earlier I mentioned that the girl I met at a meetup works with her friend at a bank. I personally know how much the bank pays because I worked there as a developer myself.

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

??? You seem to have a lot of red flags listed about her. You're the one who needs to decide if you want a second date. But the long list of gripes about her money style seems to have you quite confused.  

Weird I just responded but it wasn’t posted. Anyways, I think you are right about what you said. I am letting her faults about mismanaging money be too much of a determining factor in deciding whether or not to continue to date. 

I appreciate you quick response and realize that I need to invest some more time before deciding if this is minor fault or a major one this early on.

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you intimidated by her? What's up with the income and job comparison?

Is the first question suppose to be rhetorical, not sure how this helps in making a decision or what you are trying to highlight here. Are you implying that I cannot have standards for what I want from a partner in terms of their employment?

Update: so even thou initially I was extremely paranoid that she would cancel the date every time I received a text message, turns out she didn’t.

She lives only an hour away from me and a little to no cost, 5-6 dollars possibly less. There is a mutual city that we can both meet at minimizing time as well. Admittedly she likes me and we had a lot of fun and kissed at the end.

I was sort of surprised at myself not thinking of myself as a catch due to low self esteem and having terrible luck with women over the years. That being said, there were a lot of red flags.

For someone who makes over a 100k a year, she has no savings to speak of and is admittedly a spend thrift. She has unrealistic expectations of her partners earning and thinks that blowing all her money with 3k rent is somehow intelligent, or an elevated form of status.

She doesn’t have a history of choosing successful partners and brings her past baggage into future relationships. Claiming that men not earning a certain amount aren’t worthy of dating material.

On the plus side, she’s very intelligent and hard working, seeming to be able to keep up with all my conversational points and eager to learn and hear more. She works in a competitive field with extremely intelligent people and is ambitious.

Shes trying to grow and develop as a person and I can see this reflected in her thoughts and actions. She’s seems to be open and receptive to building something with me as we made future plans and continue to talk.

Currently, I’m unsure of how to proceed and worry that this women isn’t much different then many I have dated in the past. I feel like I’m at a new job and worry that if I quit now, I might miss out on the benefits and not be able to find an equally competent employer in the future. While at the same time wondering am I settling and should I cut my losses now and move on before I invest anymore time and energy.

Part of me wants to keep dating her while keeping my options open. I’m not really sure how to proceed.

30 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Keep meeting people until your exclusive.

Yeah, I realize this is probably the reason I’m overly invested. Haven’t been on a date in a long time (a year or so) or slept with anyone in close to 4 years. Just dedicated myself to work and study and self improvement. 

I guess I used to be very relaxed and go with the flow. Now that I read back at the interaction my responses sort of long. I’m going to try to do some of that 4-7-8 breathing if my anxiety starts up again, and your right Bayta I need to exercise more.

Ill post here after the date. 

11 miles give or take. It’s not really about the finances, but more that she has a job which requires some level of intellect. I can’t see myself with someone who I don’t respect or admire.

Yeah, maybe your right. I need to calm down, my lizard brain acting up again. The uncertainty of knowing the outcome is what drives the anxiety. Not sure how other people deal with these types of feelings.

Recently, I started going to a lot of meetups to meet women. There was this one girl who I sort of hit it off with, but it turned out that she had a boyfriend so I just casually chatted with her and would see her in similar events.

The other night I’m in the city and I see her and this other women in a bar and I randomly just came in and decided to have a drink with them. They both work at a this bank which I temporarily worked at before having a falling out so we had some sort of commonality. 

Long story short I gave her friend my number and she texted me the next day. We mad plans to get food or drink on Thursday, but I didn’t realize she lived like a state over. I asked her to meet me in the city but then later said I wouldn’t mind coming out to meet her, she knows where I live as well.

Lately, I’ve been focusing on her and this future event too much and it’s been giving me anxiety. I feel like every-time I meet this finically successful women I get too invested and end up getting hurt.

Its sort of a reoccurring theme in my life. I’m  36 and she’s 30. I feel like I’m getting old and this is making me feel desperate. How do I cope with these feelings and learn to take a more relaxed attitude to these types of situations.

It seems like she’s very shy in person and doesn’t engage unless you approach him. Even if he did like you, it seems only opens up via online/phone situations. I would consider this before spending too much emotional energy on this person.

I’m not sure if your going to read this or not. But I’ll post this just for anyone who ever reads a post like this and what I gathered from it.

First off, if your doing your job for praise or words of affirmation then your probably in the wrong industry. At my current job most of the people have at least 10 to 15 years more experience then me and I don’t think they ever get paid that much since it’s a government job.

The thing is they just love what they do, and there’s little room for promotion since it’s a small university with a limited budget for developers. The few individuals who do get praised work about 3 to 4 times as hard as any of the other developers and spend a lot of their nights and weekends helping out the college so students can get an education.

I guarantee that most of the seniors at the current company could probably 40-60k more at a private business if they put themselves out there and could get an offer in probably a few months of talking to recruiters or applications. It’s hard to believe that you’ve been in your industry for seven years (changed jobs twice) and don’t even know how to sell yourself or seek help from co-workers or peers in your industry on how to write a properly resume/cover letter.

If your not passionate about what your doing then maybe it’s for the best to change careers. It seems like you already switch companies on multiple occasions and keep playing the victim card. First it was your manager, then there was no room for promotion and now it’s male dominated.

Is there a possibility that maybe these type of situations in the workplace are common and people have different ways of reacting to the adversity. Maybe if your frame your situations differently (look at them as a challenge to overcome) and take a proactive approach to improving your relationships with your co-workers that you would see the fruits of that labor.

It seems to be the common theme in this post, the lack of strong bonds at any of your previous or current working situations.

When I said I qualify for loan discharge it means they will be forgiven. So basically I was in debt 70k but due to an investigation with certain colleges lying about their placement rates. I was eligible for the loan to be forgiven.

I was saying earlier that I was so excited about the news that I didn’t know how to handle it. This often happens to me when positive events happen. Since they feel extremely unfamiliar so much so that it is disorienting to me.

In fact I may have sabotaged myself with negatively thinking when I initially got that 6 figure offer. My recruiter eventually reached out to me to have me reapply for the same company but it was so stressful that I just declined and stayed at my current job.

I want to be successful and happy in life but I just have this addiction to feeling bad about myself and it’s constant. I’m trying to work on it but I think I need therapy because it’s beyond my control.

Also I don’t believe in meds, I have never taken SSRIs

I recently found out that I may qualify for student loan discharge since I went to a for profit college between certain dates.

For the longest time I’ve been feeling depressed, even with this new job I’ve been feeling like these loans have a strangle hold on me.

Ive been making more of an effort on going to meetups to meet women and go out and socialize more. Also, I’ve been saving money and many of the changes have had a tremendous effect on my self confidence and view of others.

Ive stopped focusing on putting people down so much to boost myself. However, I have my dark moments when I don’t know if I’m going to make my dreams become a reality.

One of the repeating themes in my life is feeling bad for myself. The few times when things go my way, I often act out and drink too much or sabotage myself in order to feel guilty about it later.

Right now I feel like it’s one of those moments, where I am so happy, that I don’t know how to react to this feeling other then by sabotaging myself. I don’t know what normal people do in these situations. I feel like I’m having a manic episode and I realize this is why I so often find myself in these patterns.

Meh. I’m going to just put my two cents in here because I’ve already made up my mind from reading the post in the very beginning and everything I read confirms it.

A women that feels secure in a relationship will generally behave better if they feel like this is the best they ever going to get. It seems like to me that the financial issues have been putting a strain on the relationship.

Some women don’t want to work, they want to stay at home and raise children, I don’t see this as a bad thing. In fact it seems you guys tried this once already. Personally, I think you would be dealing with a different person if you were making more. 

Of course beggars can’t be choosers and maybe this goes both ways.

A few years ago I did a lot of online dating. It actually led to a relationship and a few causal hookups. 

Something I noticed about online dating from a mans perspective is this. You don’t realize but, you are putting off a vibe subconsciously without realizing. 

Generally, once I started dating enough girls and lowered my expectations it was much easier to attract women and go on multiple dates. This was because I was more go with the flow and had a take it or leave it attitude.

Another thing, women notice about the types of places you take them and the type of experience they have with you. Like generally, there are going to be women out there that just aren’t going to be attracted, looking for friends, or are just bored. However, meeting someone you have chemistry with and is also looking is going to match your effort and energy.

The problem is it takes time and effort to meet that women. So you need to get over yourself, learn to relax and have fun meeting people. Stop focusing on the end goal and focus on the present moment.

Your anxiety is probably not being generated by the fear of getting fired but is more of a survival mechanism. People who have maladaptive behavioral patterns with come up with excuses to justify the behavior.

The only way to deal the anxiety disorder is to try to stay in the present moment. Nobody can be prepared for every single situation, in fact that is exhausting and a waste of energy. Even the biggest companies with the smartest people have to consistently work to ensure that they are succeeding and adapting when things start to fail.

If you have 6 months of saving, that will probably quell some of your fears.

Okay. Yeah. I just re-read what I wrote to her. Yeah, I guess it does seem off putting, not a lot of confidence there. Well, poop. 

Yeah, your right I need to work on my approach. Oh well. I don’t need to beat myself up about that anyways.