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Posts posted by sadchick83

  1. So basically you are roommates with a past.  Before doing anything drastic, imagine your life without her, like really try to imagine it.  If you decide you won’t regret your decision to leave, have a plan and break up.  Life is way too short to live like this. At 63 you still have time to meet someone who will give you a little more kick in your step, have more in common and a sexual relationship.

    Methods of meeting people have totally changed since your last bout of singledom At your age it is much harder to meet people than at 20 or 30, as not as many folks in your age range are looking.  Just be aware.  Good luck!

    • Like 1
  2. 45 minutes ago, lp1791 said:

    Who knows.. I havent reached out to her in a long time and I wont either...  i worry sometimes as most my friends are settled down and im alone. I guess last year I was thinking she may repeat what happened before and come back after she missed me.. but I know she wont as its been too long now.. i know the lockdown has happened and stuff but...  its obvious now. I hope i will meet someone better and look back at it and thank god i dodged a bullet.

    Being a decade or two older than you I can tell you don’t rush into marriage.  So many of my 40 year old friends are divorced or getting divorced and or cheating.  Don’t feel pressure to be in a LTR due to your friends’ statuses. Much better to meet someone in your early or late 30s as you will continue to grow and will find a better match.  


  3. There are two issues here: one is that she has some psychological issues and two is that she is not into you 100%. I think you are blaming the psychological issues for wavering her interest in you and you should not.

    I recall being quite volatile at that age due to figuring out career, self-imposed expectations, etc. She is all over the place. Also, you are 29 years old and will likely have a few more partners before you find your person. I know it’s hard, but it doesn’t seem like she is going to do a reversal and be totally into you any time soon. 

    You sort of want something you cannot have, which sometimes heightens attraction to something and she might be somewhat turned off by your not giving up and moving on.

    It’s unfortunate you cannot fast forward your life a year because I think you will find that you will be healed and on to bigger and better things.

  4. I don’t know...I have a free Match account with absolutely no intention of using it for dating.  I am sure at the beginning there were a few emails confirming my subscription. Had someone looked at my email inbox, they would have seen a few “confirmation" emails.

    I have the account because I feel I live in the ugliest town in America. As soon as I have an urge to try online dating, I scroll through photos and am reminded of this horrible truth. Everyone looks like an ex-convict and so often, holding a big fish.

    Anyway, maybe he was just checking out the site to assure himself there is no one out there better than you? I would not let this slide, but you don’t know if he actually had the intention to date/cheat.

    I always found the best way to find out the truth was to ask a man a question while lying in bed, with my hand on his heart - a de facto lie detector of sorts. Maybe try this when he returns.


  5. You might  want to look up the work limerence. It is a word used to describe people who get very intense crushes to others who may or may not reciprocate. There is a spectrum and I feel I am on it.  When the limerent person is receiving attention from the person, they are high on life, however when the attention disappears they become very depressed. You have to cut yourself off of this person.m Force yourself to stop thinking about them, don’t follow on social media, etc. There are some in-depth explanations as to why this happens. I suggest you read up on the subject so you can understand your triggers.

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  6. Not sure how old you are but maybe just accept you will likely have 10-20 or more “relationships” before you marry or may never get married.  Stop holding on to guys like they are the last creatures on earth.  The next time you are in a relationship tell yourself they probably won’t be the one and enjoy the relationship for what it is.

    Also, overly nice people finish last. Sorry to say, but it's true.  Learn to give to yourself first, then others. Clutching on to people and being overly nice are going to drive people away rather than attract them.

    Maybe get a great group of female friends and strengthen relationships with family.  Sometimes those relationships are as or more sacred as those you will have with men.

    • Like 2
  7. Wow, surprised to read all the harsh comments.  Reverse the genders here, and “he" would be getting high fives. All kinds of respected men date/are married to women 25+ years younger. Maybe not 18 years old, but much younger.

    I think 18 is too young, if he was a few years older I think it would remove some of the “taint.” I also have a lot of younger men hitting on me frequently and I too try to date guys my age.  Just my opinion, but it is a lot harder to connect with men in their late 40s. I try and generally it doesn’t work out, or they are scarce - one’s that are single that is.  I recently put a lot of effort into an age appropriate guy who basically vanished. The younger guys are aggressive and make it easy, and generally don’t vanish.

    Enjoy/live the moment.  You aren’t going to marry the guy, but you probably wouldn’t be marrying the next 40 year old either. 


  8. Think of it this way: You are saving his marriage!  I know lots of people who cheat and basically the cheating relationship is maintaining the marriage.  

    If you actually think he will leave his wife for you set a hard deadline. Give him a month.  If he doesn’t leave, then leave him.  DO NOT WASTE YOUR 20s on a loser.

  9. You might want to look up the term limerence. It’s when you crave attention from men (in your case) and develop a romantic infatuation and crave their attention.

    There is a spectrum for this mental state and perhaps you have a mild form of it.

    I feel I have it to some extent as well.  I love the idea of fantasizing, over an actual relationship at times.  Anyway look it up, it may explain your feelings.

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  10. I believe folks are all over the place lately.  I have had so many random people start conversations just to check in, to know if I am single and I have done some similar reaching out myself. None have amounted to a date, however, a few are hours (by drive, or by flight) away.

    I had a much younger man basically engage in tons of chat without making a formal plan or plans that I cancelled.  I feel like COVID/texting/messaging is making everyone unable to close a deal.

    First, please do not blame yourself.  For all you know the guys could have gained 20 pounds, or have some other issue that is preventing them from actually making a date.  You don’t know. I suggest you simply be your best self, and if you are actually into any of these guys, make it be known you are busy doing things, in good spirits, enjoying life. 

    Nonchalance is both appealing and somehow a face within itself - just when you give up on a guy they call like a week later.

    • Like 1
  11. I would let the urge to reach out rest for a few days.  If by the end of the week you still feel like reaching out then do so. 

    As I mentioned in a previous post, an ex of mine committed suicide several months ago.  I always thought about reaching out to him over the years and I never did.  Now I feel bad about that.

    No one is going to give you a medal at the end of life for being righteous. Do what you feel like doing and live in the moment. Maybe just be cautious of any red flags and have little expectations as to whether you will be more than friends.

  12. Pre-nups are always a touchy subject.  I know many wealthy men on their third or forth marriages who insist one to limit their wealth exposure from divorce.  They often want to be married, with a wife who doesn’t work and can travel at the drop of a hat, look after them, with no time for an income source of their own, only to pay them a paltry sum (compared to their net worth) should things go awry.

    Not sure why a guy who lives at home with little assets would worry about such things?  Maybe he thinks he will be Jeff Bezos on day LOL.  The solution for him would be to put his (his family’s) assets in a trust protecting his future wife from access.

    It would leave a bad taste in my mouth that a guy with less than you worries about you taking from him down the road.  Maybe this is what he intends to do to you?

  13. 1 hour ago, Andrina said:

    When people aren't happy in their present, they usually look to the past find happiness. However, it's usually not found there, especially if those people live far from you.

    Sometimes the guy doesn't mention right away about his wife/gf because he's been surprised by a fun ego boost, and might not want to ruin the fleeting intrigue that will go away once he mention his SO.

    I'd look more to the present, and maybe just keep busy with other things like a new hobby until it's safe to date again. And then date locally, which has a higher risk of success than the more difficult route you're trying navigate.

    This makes so much sense Andrina, thank you.

  14. 34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:


    Don't waste your time feeling bad about this.  I mean, a month ago this man wasn't even on your radar, so why let any of this mess up your day?


    Bolt, just feeling COVID weird.  Somehow I got thinking about past crushes during lockdown.  Also, my college boyfriend, a guy I met in first year university and backpacked through Europe with recently committed suicide, an overdose.

    He was a very successful guy (a psychiatrist if you can believe), and it shook me to my core that I didn’t answer some of his FB posts, or try to reach out to him over the years, more than just a quick message.  I really should have. He was going through a difficult divorce and couldn’t cope with lockdowns, etc.  I honestly would have dated him post-divorce, but neither of us knew the other may have been interested.

    Nothing to do with this guy, except that promised myself if I feel like reaching out to someone, I will.  Life is short.  OK, so I am crushing on him a bit. It isn’t ruining my day and I won’t waste my time, but just so weird someone else did the same thing to me a day later.


  15. 16 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

    Hmm... to me you shouldn't feel humiliated by that at all!  It's a natural question if it really is just a friend type relationship between you two.

    If anything he would be the one who should feel that emotion, but only if he's truly flirting with you and crossing a boundary there.

    You are right Marital, I just cannot ask.  It is so out of left field.  Maybe if he sent the snow pic.  Oh well, COVID is making me a bit looney.

  16. 2 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:


    Just because he isn't mentioning a wife and kids, doesn't mean they aren't there you know?  

    You could be straight with him and ask him if he ever settled down in all this time. 


    Of course, I agree, they could be in the picture.  I just cannot ask if he settled down.  I’d feel humiliated if he said: “Yea, married."  I just cannot go there, just way too aggressive for me.

    So much easier for him to pick up on asking how his weekend went, mentioning what I am doing....I probably already screwed this up. But, I will say he likes his winks when bragging about the things he instructed.  I liken him to my brother...super nerdy, could never initiate anything with a woman.


  17. 2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

    It appears he has a girlfriend who is undergoing her second round of chemo for breast cancer.  So, what an a-hole!  I had another ex contact me years ago while his girlfriend was dying.  I guess these men want to have another vagina lined up just in case the one they currently have dies!  Just garbage men.

    What the hell is wrong with people??  That’s horrible!  

    I was just reminiscing about an unrequited crush and decided to reach out. Of course since he is very random in his response time, like a lab rat, has me fully interested, again.



  18. 1 minute ago, maritalbliss86 said:

    He sounds seedy... ick!!!  Be careful, attention may feel nice, but is it really worth starting something up with a creep?

    Do you know if he's married??  You kind of imply that he could be (?)

    The summer guy came on so strong...Jeez, I read his fb, mentioned mental health and suicide.  I hope he is ok.  I agree Marital, not sure what his intentions are to come on so strong??

    Re: the other guy.  I would think when you ask what activities they like to do and they mention upcoming outdoor sports, they would say “with my kids/wife” like a woman might do, but no mention of any relations.  Also, English is not his first language, it’s good, but sometimes things a bit gets lost in translation. I recall him being a bit nerdy/awkward, but I’m not going to “double” reach out to someone who hasn’t answered a question in my last email.

  19. I recently decided to reach out to someone who I found very attractive - ages ago.  He was a military instructor I had on a course over 20 years ago.  Not sure why I decided to reach out other than the fact that I had to spend 2 weeks (quarantine) in my childhood bedroom, and was surrounded by old photos, yes photos of a truly great time in my life. I was an Officer at the time and he was a Senior NCO, so fraternizing at the time would have been a no-no.  Not sure of his status at-the-time either, or if he was even interested in me.

    Anyway, I reached out and he answered/friended immediately.  I got a bit friendly, catching up and asked him about his life - no mention of kids wife, etc.  I was not pushy but asked him a few professional questions.  Once he took a week to answer back, then sometimes hours or minutes, always with a great answer and some wink emojis. Aside from the professional questions, I asked him to send a photo of the snow (which I miss) and asked what he did on the weekend.  Crickets! I didn’t ask for a d*ck pic, I asked for a snap of the snow!  No response, yet.

    Then, literally a day later, another guy/friend who I knew from where I spent summers for most of my life, a guy with whom I had a weekend fling 18 or so years ago, friend requested me on FB and started a dialogue, asked me how I was doing, then that evening said he “was thinking about me all day,” and started an hour long flirty catch-up session. I nearly fainted!! I believe this guy had a girlfriend at the time of our fling (really just a make out session) married her, and I see is now divorced. He wants me to meet him when I am back in the summer...which is really weird cause he married the girl he cheated on.  I could not get this type of attention back in the day if I tried from this guy. I had a full crush on him in 2003.

    Of course since the instructor hasn’t answered me back in a few days has piqued my interest in him and I guess I don’t feel as weird for reaching out because someone I knew in my past did the exact same thing!

    Thoughts?  Are people combing through and contacting old muses/flames because of COVID boredom?  Perhaps reminiscing of a better time?

    Anyone else going through this??

  20. Lost,

    You sound (understandably) very emotional at the moment. While I am not retired, I have had a few gaps in employment over the years.  I suggest working on YOU, since it sounds like you did a lot of sacrificing for others in your career.  I have a Peloton bike which allows me to spin, stretching and yoga classes.  An exercise routine is something I would recommend. Make exercise the foundation of your day.

    I agree with Cherylyn.  Acquire great eating habits, maybe do some gratefulness journaling.

    Congrats and good luck with everything!




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  21. First, I feel bad for your current mental state and don’t think that COVID isn’t playing a part.  Please look after yourself and know that this terrible time will pass.

    Second, I read this post and all I can recall is ghosting, rude behavior excuses, upon excuses and emotional abuse. Relationships are not supposed to be this difficult or volatile. Did he ever take you out for dinner, organize a birthday weekend or do nice things for you?  Sounds like it was 90% torture and one big anxiety attack. Please realize you are a fixer and he just can’t be fixed. 

    Take a rest, look after yourself and set the next relationship bar high.  The moment a guy starts ignoring me/not responding to messages, I never contact them again. By letting him back into your life every time he vanished you are basically accepting his poor behavior. 

    What is it that you have lost exactly?  This guy is a loser.

  22. Ok he has basically said he is not interested if he doesn’t see a future with you. You also keep having breakdowns in front of him which is not appealing.  Why not take a break from dating, work on yourself for a while and meet someone else?  If a guy tells you there is no future, it is basically a break-up conversation.

    It is not good for your mental health to keep going back to someone who is expressly stating he is not interested. Certainly there is someone out there who will treat you better than this?

  23. On 12/25/2020 at 8:48 PM, kalikat said:

    Both my parents have passed, as have most of my aunts & uncles. I am divorced. Not only is it Christmas, but today is my daughter's 30th birthday. It still amazes me that I went from having huge family gatherings during the holidays (around 50 people), to being completely alone. Except for my doggies - they are a blessing. Daughter lives out of town, plus Covid thing....


    It's so weird how this can happen so quickly - going from a large family to being almost alone.  Hopefully, this will be the last year this ever happens.

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