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Everything posted by sadchick83

  1. Hey Jibralta, I actually asked him that since I am not that into him anymore. I asked him he was dating anyone and he said: “no way, not into getting syphilis from incestuous NY people/women.” I have never caught him in a lie, so maybe this is true. And, to be fair, I have dated 3 men since him, so him dating other people would have been fine by me. My point here is that it’s OK to meet in bars, people have other things going on in their lives and it had little to do with him ‘not being into me.’ He was into himself and trying to save his job. Important to not find fault in ourselves when we have no idea what people are going through.
  2. Just wanted to follow up with this situation... This guy I wrote about contacted me on Thursday and we went out last night. Our first date was almost 5 months ago and I was kind of put off that I met someone, went on a date, had a scheduled surgery the next day and had to recover for about two weeks. While I was in recovery, he had to travel for work in another state and I was really lamenting that I had bad luck with timing/I liked him more than he like me, etc. I seriously moaned about this guy for at least a month to anyone who would listen. His company was acquired and he has been in NYC for almost 5 months, miserable as hell staying in hotels, dealing with crime, not able to eat healthy or work out and working very long hours. He really enjoyed our time together and felt it would have been pointless to message each other for the last few months when he had not idea when he would be coming back and thought we would just get angry/bored without an end date in sight. He messaged me within 24 hours of getting back in town. I kind of like someone else now, who also had to move out-of-town for work - many people have to go back now that the pandemic is over where I am located. The point is, we have no idea what is going on with people. Work stress can kill a (budding) relationship. I truly had given up on this guy, so was very surprised to hear from him and go on a date. Not sure where this will go since he is a few guys ago, but as a woman I feel it is silly to put a timeline on things, like if he doesn’t get back to me within a week, forget it. It’s ok to focus on other people, but we should not assume it had anything to do with us. Never gaslight yourself and assume he was not interested. People have to deal with issues we cannot imagine. They could just be distracted for the near future and it has nothing to do with you. Will see where this goes....
  3. I would not put an excessive amount of thought into this issue since it seems she is already attracted to you. I dated a guy who was not attractive at all for 6.5 years. He was short, bald and looked like a turtle. At least you have height. What he lacked in attractiveness he made up for in dress and deportment. He was very well groomed. He had a small amount of hair which he had professionally dyed every 6 weeks. He had impeccable taste in clothing and wore very nice suits (when suits were a thing pre-covid). His casual clothes were a bit lame, but were always ironed and well-turned out. He had very nice skin and never had any ear or nose hair. Being your best self is important. If you are a bit insecure about your looks, go to a proper men’s salon and make sure your clothes/appearance are at their very best. A woman who is gorgeous and puts time and effort into her appearance will appreciate a well groomed and decently dressed man. If you are fit, accentuate your body with well fitted clothes and perhaps cool running shoes.
  4. Look up the word limerence. There are a few sites out there that address this condition. Don’t be embarrassed, just educate yourself about it. Sometimes you cannot help with whom you have a strong attraction. Good luck.
  5. Meeting people on Tinder is not the best way to form a lasting relationship. Sure there are exceptions, but basically it is a catalogue of hook-ups. I also don’t think you should deliver yourself to him, if he really likes you he should come to you. To be fair, you didn’t spend a lot of time together, so it may be hard to form a foundation for something more serious. Also, him telling you he would really love to come see you might just be a way to get you to sleep with him. Some guys have all of the lines to get the end goal. Good you did not sleep with him. I would try to date without anxiety and maybe a few casual relationships at the same time. This way, if one falls apart, there is someone else you can date. It’s the way many guys day anxiety-free. Put him on the back burner for now.
  6. I don’t think the FWB situation is that bad as long as you both agree to it, however, he cannot also control you at the same time. A FWB, if you choose to have one should be fun, light and you should enjoy each other’s company. Not for the faint of heart though, as someone is likely to develop feelings for the other. You mentioned you tried dating this guy and it didn’t work, and now it seems like FWB doesn’t work either. Sounds to me like he wants you to be his only partner, while he plays the field and/or his insecurities are get the best of him. If you are happy to see him and he make you feel good, continue to see him. If you feel stressed about him most of the time, cut your losses. If FWB is what you are after, find one that is a bit more respectful of you. Maybe go on a date or see them outside of the bedroom that way its not just a hook up.
  7. I am guessing you are not 100% over the ex and there is a little bit of uncertainty with your new guy which is causing you to step backwards in your healing. Maybe you should loosen your grip on the new guy and try to date others while you wait for him to come home. I would not want you to wait for him only to find out nothing is going to materialize. How long will he be overseas?
  8. She had the same jaw and nose when you started dating, right? I find this a bit weird because usually when I meet someone, man or woman, the uniqueness of their features softens over time. I don’t notice a large forehead or nose as I get to know the person. I agree with greendots, you are simply not attracted to this woman and have fixated on her jaw and chin. As someone else mentioned, if you break up you can never mention that it was her jaw and chin. You will crush her. Cut her lose or you will start picking at another idiosyncrasy.
  9. I have tried to go through the 4 pages of posts on this thread to get myself up to speed. I am going through a similar situation. I was with a man for nearly 7 years who in some respects was great, but left me burned and unable to date for quite some time. While healing, I grew my hair long, lost 10 pounds, moved to a beach town and got as fit as I can be. This healing process took about 2 years before the ‘dating Olympics’ commenced this summer. I also do not partake in online dating and prefer to meet men organically. The likelihood of you meeting another guy through IG similar to the fireman is slim to none and you may want to start going out to meet people. I would be grateful for this experience as it was you first guy (I assume) after your ex. Give yourself a pat on the back for this. Being with someone else can be difficult and take some time to come to fruition. I feel at this point, it will be easier for you to meet potential partners as the first, post-ex is always the most difficult. If the fireman is as attractive as you say and he is in fact a fireman, you are playing the ‘high stakes.’ Dating men who are superlatives are always harder to land - not impossible, just harder. My suggestion to you is to start dating a few men at a time. This way you won’t be crushed if they don’t reach out or meet you expectations. Sometimes life just gets busy. You waiting around for three weeks seems counterproductive. Ideally, you should have someone else to date to get your mind off of the fireman, even if he is not your absolute ideal guy. Do you live somewhere that you can go out and meet people?
  10. Sounds like she cannot be alone and may be using you to transition to someone else/the next person. I agree with Miss Canuck, pursue this when she is single. There is clearly a mutual attraction, but it doesn’t mean anything if she is with someone else.
  11. You can’t live off of these breadcrumbs. You liked her, asked her out and she said “no.” I don’t think give you a side look erases the decline. But, if you really want to know, ask her out again. But if she rejects you again, you have to get over it.
  12. Just learn from this experience. And, don’t beat yourself up too much. Sometimes we just fall for the wrong person. Can’t help it, create/imagine/fixate on a relationship that is unrequited. It can be just a chemical thing - you simply become attracted to someone without the right reasons. You might want to look up the term “limerence” as I believe it applies to this situation. There is noting wrong with what you did. This woman strung you along. Perhaps you are the type of person who would never string someone along? I think if you are, you just don’t know how to read the signs of a player/person like this. The woman is a cheater and this likely isn’t her first go. She loves the attention of having multiple men show interest in her, which is fine except the cheating part. She is a real piece of work and whoever said this above is right. She will cheat again. She has no morals.
  13. So sorry this happened to you OP, but, not terribly surprised. Several of my women friends are married and fully cheat. And, it’s not a one time thing, it’s with multiple partners. It’s like stealing - amount and frequency seem to increase with time and favorable outcome. I applaud you for seeking legal help immediately and recognize it is not easy with children. Your wife is a selfish woman, someone who would risk her marriage and having her kids grow up without their father in the household for random sex is unbecoming behavior. She sounds ridiculously self absorbed. Common trait with these people I have noticed is that they are impeccably groomed for not apparent reason. They come to work on a Tuesday looking like they are going to a night club. Or are always botoxed/waxed/made-up to an inch of their life. You life will be difficult for now, but the worst is over. You know she is a cheater and you are making strides for someone better.
  14. Going to be bold here, but, can I ask what are the features that bother you?
  15. OK, I originally signed up for ENA 10+ years ago for a guy who disappeared on his birthday long weekend. When he finally finished up partying alone I had changed the locks on my house. I came to ENA asking if it was the right thing to do. The similarities are this: I also went to therapy to try to work things out with a therapist who also suggested CBT. She also suggested I try harder in the relationship and perhaps bring him lunch to his construction site. Sorry, but some of these therapists are completely out to lunch with their suggestions. In hindsight getting rid of him was the right thing to do. He was also a mean gas lighter who ended up being a cheater. Nothing you do on your end with therapy, CBT, etc. will fix him/ this situation. Only you can fix this by leaving. Life is short. Choose to be with someone who is delighted to see you, or even be alone for a while. Spend time with family or get a dog. The more time you waste with this guy the great damage you will do to your mental health and self esteem. And, the damage can be irreparable the longer you let the abuse continue.
  16. I would not worry at all. I have dated investment bankers who literally work 18 hours a day. They never know their exact schedules. You can be sitting at your desk all day doing nothing, ready to go home at 6 or 7pm only to have to work come in from overseas that keeps you at work until 3am. It makes dating plans nearly impossible. I was in a similar industry in NYC with crazy hours that left me physically and mentally exhausted at the end of the week. The last thing I would do is commit to a date days in advance, or even think about dating. I have dated a few younger guys lately. Some will ask you out days in advance which I actually find stifling because I am in the middle of a work crisis and can’t chat mid day, and there are those who will ask you out Saturday morning/afternoon for Saturday night. I actually prefer less notice because I don’t know what I may feel like 5 days in advance. Sometimes I say no, I’m busy, but may include them in my plan and, if they decline, they simply ask me out a week or two, or even three weeks later. Men or women who are in time consuming training like medicine, banking, finance work/study crazy hours have very different concepts of time. Waiting 3 weeks to message or re-message is not a long time to them, although it may be for you. I suggest you loosen your grip. You are putting a lot of pressure on this guy unbeknownst to him. Note: I would not give up on him at all. But, I would date other people and keep yourself busy. Go on a study date with him, but I don’t think that is the best thing to do when you first meet someone.
  17. Bolt, I had the smallest amount of Ativan and bit of vodka. Advice taken, I won’t do it again. I was with someone (for almost 7 years) who uprooted me from my country and I ended up away from my family with a job I can really only do in the USA. I don’t want to get into the details of my failed LTR, but basically I am of the school of thought that many people don’t need up with whom they thought. Most relationships don’t end up permanent, as I sorely discovered, so I choose to live in the moment. If they person makes me happy, albeit nervous, I am good. I try not to analyze what may happen in the future.
  18. Thank you for your responses/good advice. I will definitely post again when he comes back into town. By tranquilizers I am just taking 0.5 mg of Ativan. I had anxiety when one of my parents died and they allowed me to take the edge off. I only take one a few times a year if I am really upset. I do cardio, eat healthy, actually so healthy for the last 15 years, that I am due for some fun. I can go 6 months without a drink, so I’m not an addictive person. I will definitely try to relax the next time he contacts me by working out or do some meditation. Lambert, I think he is special, but I don’t think “we" are so special because we have only been on a couple of dates. But, I agree, have to keep my head on straight and just go with what happens.
  19. Thanks Audrina, I will be cautious, but for the record, the death was in an obituary and the job is listed on his LinkedIn. I live in a small town, so would be impossible to hide/have a gf or wife.
  20. Not sure what to think of this woman. After date #1, I generally know whether I like someone or not. I am going to crawl into this woman’s head: Even if I meant someone else, I would not end things with you, and I only say this because she definitely had a connection with you, and if she did meet someone amazing she would possibly keep you around just in case. It sounds like she just had a change of heart. Better to know now rather than after 3 more dates.
  21. Sounds like you really like her, and perhaps she is undecided about you. I also sounds like you are chasing her a bit, so I would go cold for a month. After a month tell yourself you are going to have one more kick at the can. Message her to say you would like to see her and if she doesn’t respond/blows you off, forget ever moving forward with her.
  22. Andrina, I don’t know that he was sure he was going to take the new job, and we didn’t meet online, he approached me at a restaurant, actually I was facing a wall for the 30 or so minutes before he walked up and introduced himself. I mentioned being disappointed about the move, but he said he would be back in 2 weeks and that I could come visit him.
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