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Posts posted by sadchick83

  1. I am guessing you are not 100% over the ex and there is a little bit of uncertainty with your new guy which is causing you to step backwards in your healing. 

    Maybe you should loosen your grip on the new guy and try to date others while you wait for him to come home.  I would not want you to wait for him only to find out nothing is going to materialize.

    How long will he be overseas?

  2. She had the same jaw and nose when you started dating, right?  I find this a bit weird because usually when I meet someone, man or woman, the uniqueness of their features softens over time. I don’t notice a large forehead or nose as I get to know the person.

    I agree with greendots, you are simply not attracted to this woman and have fixated on her jaw and chin.  As someone else mentioned, if you break up you can never mention that it was her jaw and chin.  You will crush her. Cut her lose or you will start picking at another idiosyncrasy.


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  3. I have tried to go through the 4 pages of posts on this thread to get myself up to speed.  I am going through a similar situation.  I was with a man for nearly 7 years who in some respects was great, but left me burned and unable to date for quite some time.  

    While healing, I grew my hair long, lost 10 pounds, moved to a beach town and got as fit as I can be.  This healing process took about 2 years before the ‘dating Olympics’ commenced this summer. I also do not partake in online dating and prefer to meet men organically. 

    The likelihood of you meeting another guy through IG similar to the fireman is slim to none and you may want to start going out to meet people. I would be grateful for this experience as it was you first guy (I assume) after your ex.  Give yourself a pat on the back for this. Being with someone else can be difficult and take some time to come to fruition. I feel at this point, it will be easier for you to meet potential partners as the first, post-ex is always the most difficult.

    If the fireman is as attractive as you say and he is in fact a fireman, you are playing the ‘high stakes.’ Dating men who are superlatives are always harder to land - not impossible, just harder.  My suggestion to you is to start dating a few men at a time.  This way you won’t be crushed if they don’t reach out or meet you expectations.  Sometimes life just gets busy.  You waiting around for three weeks seems counterproductive. Ideally, you should have someone else to date to get your mind off of the fireman, even if he is not your absolute ideal guy.

    Do you live somewhere that you can go out and meet people?


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  4. You can’t live off of these breadcrumbs.  You liked her, asked her out and she said “no.” I don’t think give you a side look erases the decline. But, if you really want to know, ask her out again.  But if she rejects you again, you have to get over it.

  5. Just learn from this experience. And, don’t beat yourself up too much.  Sometimes we just fall for the wrong person.  Can’t help it, create/imagine/fixate on a relationship that is unrequited.  It can be just a chemical thing - you simply become attracted to someone without the right reasons.

    You might want to look up the term “limerence” as I believe it applies to this situation. There is noting wrong with what you did.  This woman strung you along.  Perhaps you are the type of person who would never string someone along?  I think if you are, you just don’t know how to read the signs of a player/person like this. The woman is a cheater and this likely isn’t her first go.  She loves the attention of having multiple men show interest in her, which is fine except the cheating part. She is a real piece of work and whoever said this above is right.  She will cheat again.  She has no morals.


  6. So sorry this happened to you OP, but, not terribly surprised. Several of my women friends are married and fully cheat.  And, it’s not a one time thing, it’s with multiple partners. It’s like stealing - amount and frequency seem to increase with time and favorable outcome.

    I applaud you for seeking legal help immediately and recognize it is not easy with children. Your wife is a selfish woman, someone who would risk her marriage and having her kids grow up without their father in the household for random sex is unbecoming behavior.

    She sounds ridiculously self absorbed. Common trait with these people I have noticed is that they are impeccably groomed for not apparent reason. They come to work on a Tuesday looking like they are going to a night club. Or are always botoxed/waxed/made-up to an inch of their life.  You life will be difficult for now, but the worst is over. You know she is a cheater and you are making strides for someone better.

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  7. OK, I originally signed up for ENA 10+ years ago for a guy who disappeared on his birthday long weekend.  When he finally finished up partying alone I had changed the locks on my house. I came to ENA asking if it was the right thing to do.

    The similarities are this:  I also went to therapy to try to work things out with a therapist who also suggested CBT. She also suggested I try harder in the relationship and perhaps bring him lunch to his construction site.  Sorry, but some of these therapists are completely out to lunch with their suggestions.  In hindsight getting rid of him was the right thing to do.

    He was also a mean gas lighter who ended up being a cheater.  

    Nothing you do on your end with therapy, CBT, etc. will fix him/ this situation.  Only you can fix this by leaving.

    Life is short.  Choose to be with someone who is delighted to see you, or even be alone for a while.  Spend time with family or get a dog.  The more time you waste with this guy the great damage you will do to your mental health and self esteem. And, the damage can be irreparable the longer you let the abuse continue.

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  8. I would not worry at all.  I have dated investment bankers who literally work 18 hours a day.  They never know their exact schedules.  You can be sitting at your desk all day doing nothing, ready to go home at 6 or 7pm only to have to work come in from overseas that keeps you at work until 3am. It makes dating plans nearly impossible.

    I was in a similar industry in NYC with crazy hours that left me physically and mentally exhausted at the end of the week. The last thing I would do is commit to a date days in advance, or even think about dating.

    I have dated a few younger guys lately.  Some will ask you out days in advance which I actually find stifling because I am in the middle of a work crisis and can’t chat mid day, and there are those who will ask you out Saturday morning/afternoon for Saturday night.  I actually prefer less notice because I don’t know what I may feel like 5 days in advance.  Sometimes I say no, I’m busy, but may include them in my plan and, if they decline, they simply ask me out a week or two, or even three weeks later.

    Men or women who are in time consuming training like medicine, banking, finance work/study crazy hours have very different concepts of time. Waiting 3 weeks to message or re-message is not a long time to them, although it may be for you.

    I suggest you loosen your grip.  You are putting a lot of pressure on this guy unbeknownst to him. Note: I would not give up on him at all.  But, I would date other people and keep yourself busy. Go on a study date with him, but I don’t think that is the best thing to do when you first meet someone. 


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  9. On 9/15/2021 at 11:25 AM, smackie9 said:

    My advice....Attracting men: a positive attitude, cheerful out going personality, quick wit, flirty, feminine look but sexy too, healthy and fit, strong eye contact, smile lots, not afraid to do light touching during a conversation, some compliments, show confidence.

    This is great advice! A smile will draw in just about anyone and you can decide it they are worthy.  Just go out and have fun, lightly date more than one guy at a time.  This is something women don’t do, but should.  Somehow when I get asked out on a date, another guy will call for the same evening - it’s uncanny. 

    You are still really young...Nothing to worry about and I honestly think it is better to meet your forever person when you are older.  People change and you will be a very different person 10, 15 and 20 years from now.


    On 9/15/2021 at 11:25 AM, smackie9 said:





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  10. On 9/12/2021 at 8:50 PM, boltnrun said:

    Please do not mix prescription drugs and alcohol.  One of my good friends died at the age of 40 because he was doing this.  His liver failed.

    Do you know what his relationship goals are?  You said you are 20 years older.  Has he said if he wants children?  No, not necessarily with you (WAY too soon!) but eventually?

    Do you view him as Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now?  Or Mr. Fun Time That Will End Sooner or Later?


    I had the smallest amount of Ativan and bit of vodka.  Advice taken, I won’t do it again. 

    I was with someone (for almost 7 years) who uprooted me from my country and I ended up away from my family with a job I can really only do in the USA.  I don’t want to get into the details of my failed LTR, but basically I am of the school of thought that many people don’t need up with whom they thought.  Most relationships don’t end up permanent, as I sorely discovered, so I choose to live in the moment.  If they person makes me happy, albeit nervous, I am good.  I try not to analyze what may happen in the future.

  11. 5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

    Yes, I have - and I suggest weil method of 4-7-8 breathing and a warm bath -no meds.  

    I will try this Batya - keep it in my calming repertoire for next time.

    I felt that shaking thing with two other guys.  One was a player (I was in my 30s) and the other ended up having an anger disorder (also in my 30s) so dealbreakers on both accounts.  With my husband I don't remember shaking but that was because I'd known him for so many years before we got back together -I felt a very similar intensity but the shaking I think was more about this being someone I was over the moon about but also someone I didn't know at all so that was the source of the "adrenaline".  I did "shake" the first time my husband and I kissed when we got back together -something like that but again I think it's due to the not knowing the person that often triggers the shaking.

    These are interesting examples, especially the one who came out.  I agree, the chemistry could lead one to the wrong person.



  12. Thank you for your responses/good advice.  I will definitely post again when he comes back into town. By tranquilizers I am just taking 0.5 mg of Ativan. I had anxiety when one of my parents died and they allowed me to take the edge off.  I only take one a few times a year if I am really upset.  I do cardio, eat healthy, actually so healthy for the last 15 years, that I am due for some fun.  I can go 6 months without a drink, so I’m not an addictive person.

    I will definitely try to relax the next time he contacts me by working out or do some meditation.

    Lambert, I think he is special, but I don’t think “we" are so special because we have only been on a couple of dates. But, I agree, have to keep my head on straight and just go with what happens.


  13. Not sure what to think of this woman.  After date #1, I generally know whether I like someone or not. I am going to crawl into this woman’s head: Even if I meant someone else, I would not end things with you, and I only say this because she definitely had a connection with you, and if she did meet someone amazing she would possibly keep you around just in case.

    It sounds like she just had a change of heart. Better to know now rather than after 3 more dates.

  14. Sounds like you really like her, and perhaps she is undecided about you.  I also sounds like you are chasing her a bit, so I would go cold for a month.

    After a month tell yourself you are going to have one more kick at the can.  Message her to say you would like to see her and if she doesn’t respond/blows you off, forget ever moving forward with her.

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  15. Maybe she is only sexting because she feels a little pressure from you and this is misconstruing her sexual interest in you at this time.  If I liked a guy and he wanted to sext, I would probably do it, but not willingly.  I would draw the line at actually having real sex.

    It doesn’t mean it’s over, just invest the time if you feel it is worth it to you. 

  16. I went on a very impressive first date about a month ago. Like ridiculously romantic - invitation to the beach to watch sunset with a bottle of wine and drinks afterwards. He gave me the most beautiful kiss just as the red sun disappeared from view.   Due to me having to travel and him having to travel and deal with a complicated death in the family, our second date was only last Saturday.  We kept in-touch a bit (through texts) while away and he mentioned he would like to meet up for dinner once we both returned.  Also, I bumped into him at a local restaurant the day before he texted me for date #2.

    When he texted me to meet up last week, I literally started to shake, like uncontrollably.  I have had a few guys ask me out in the last few months, but none who have made me feel like this.  Sure I am happy of a guy I like texts for a date, but this is crazy.

    Before our second date I had to take a tranquilizer and have a vodka, or I would have been convulsing in front of him. I also noticed his leg shaking on our first date and his hands were shaking a bit about 2 hours in to the second date when he showed me something on his phone. Maybe the feeling is mutual?

    To make matters worse, he just move and hour and a half away for a new job (but family is still here and is very close to them) and is 20 years my junior! I am not really looking for comments regarding the age gap, because you simply cannot help with whom you have an extreme liking.

    He texted me a few days ago to mention he would message me when he is back. Can anyone relate to this type of attraction?  I really don’t want to make it a habit of having to tranquilize myself prior seeing him.  Has anyone ever experienced this type of physical reaction with a date or partner? And what did you do to control it? I would like to enjoy this feeling, but at the same time quell it at a few degrees.






  17. BBOG,

    I totally get you.  We have a lot of similarities. I have had guys I’m not even sure I have liked and as soon as they start cutting me off, I get hooked and anxious.  So, the best thing you can do is follow something spiritual like “The Secret.”

    With The Secret you basically ask the universe for what you want, be grateful and although corny, it actually works for letting things fall into place as they should. It also kills anxious thoughts as a result. 

    Or, even better, start to lightly date other women until you and your girl are a sure thing. You won’t be as desperate when another woman is into you, even if she is not as perfect as your girl.  Your emotions are in your control if you want them to be.  Distract yourself with a short trip, or have an old friend visit.

    You might also want to look up the term “limerance” as you may have a mild form of this condition.  I admit I have it a bit, but as soon as I like another guy, I completely forget about the guy before him.


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  18. There is nothing wrong with showing interest.  Obviously she is into you!  

    Personally, I find it refreshing when a guy I like is really into me because no one needs to play games and you can enjoy the unfolding of the relationship.  If you start to show less interest, she may think you are gaming her. If you gently want to tone things down, go ahead, but not too much. 

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  19. Look up the meaning of the term limmerance and some websites that explain/define what it is.  

    You have done nothing wrong by wanting to be with someone different than you ex.  You wanted to make things work out with this person but for whatever reason he is not as interested. Blame COVID, you guys were in your jammies before you properly dated which snuffed the romance out of everything.  Maybe like the others mentioned, try and date outside of your work.  

  20. I would not put up with this BS.  Your mom is 81 and is your mom, and, you will only ever have one. The husband can be replaced.  I am of a similar age, Meg and have lots of friends married for as long as you.  One thing that could possibly improve things is if one of you became very ill.  I have witnessed couples who have had to deal with breast cancer or an organ transplant and it actually brought them closer together.  With the cancer example the husband really stepped up to the plate and after the wife's heath was restored, they really just appreciated being alive and had a “better” marriage until he died about 10 years later.

    With the organ transplant example, the marriage improved and the couple had similar sentiments to above example for about 5 years after the transplant. On the other hand, most couples I know that have been married for 20-30 years, there is at least one of the two that is cheating.  I find it a bit shocking to have more married girlfriends cheating on their husbands (organ transplant/caregiver wife 5 years post transplant) than husbands cheating on wives. Oddly, cheating has kept couples I know together.  The cheater just gets what they need though someone outside the marriage. They stay married because they are fulfilled with someone else.

    Of course you don’t wish an illness on yourself or am I suggesting you cheat. I simply observe what can restore a broken, long term marriage.

    If I were you I would leave.  I would not want to spend the rest of my life with a miserable man who hates my mother. I also don’t believe in cheating. Life is short. Become your best self and do what is best for you. Women have a much greater age range of potential suitors since the last time you were dating, so don’t be afraid of being 50 and single.

  21. Tiny, I also do IF.  You have to be doing very clean fasting (only water and black coffee) for it to work.  It also takes a month of absolutely no cheating for your body to adapt. Also, wine is basically sugar, so essentially you have an addiction to sugar and perhaps the buzz you get from alcohol.

    Have you ever thought of switching your fasting window to have breakfast and lunch instead of dinner? This really worked for me in the beginning.  This will also improve your sleep. Also, cutting back on exercise makes fasting much easier. I am unable to exercise for the next few weeks and really noticed I am much less hangry and can increase my fasting time by a few hours. 

    Wine is a horrible thing for your body (unless it is perhaps organic) It dries/ages your skin, erodes your stomach lining messes with your brain and is just overall bad for you. While you may have an addictive personality, I question why and am pained by the damage you are inflicting on your body.

    Could you try ditching sugar/wine for 4-5 days?  It will be challenging but will hopefully undo the cravings. In the last week or so I have avoided pastries, soda and sweets (‘cause I can’t exercise) and am amazed I have dropped 5 lbs and no longer crave sugar.

    Like one of the other folks mentioned, only you can change you and you have to want to change. 

    Good luck with this. I see your posts frequently on ENA and wish you the best of health.

    • Like 1
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