Chan209

Slagar, Just to let you know, you're not alone when it comes to these things.

I've been through hell and high water when it's come to relationships and here I am, almost 29 and sometimes think there just isn't anyone out there even though people keep telling me "you're a great catch!" or "some girl is going to be so lucky to have you".

The last girl I saw we were setup on a blind date. The initial date could not have gone better. It was perfect. She was smart, funny, beautiful, and surprisingly no baggage. Without knowing how long it would go, the first date went nearly 6 hours...and afterwards she texted me on the way home saying "I miss you already". We saw each other 3 more times during that week (she insisted).....then all of a sudden, she just cut off contact. No reason why. Everything was going great, we were having fun, etc... It's a situation you can't help but sit back and say "huh?". Makes me wonder just what happened and why....

You're not alone.

Just wanted to commend those in here that are waiting. It's hard to find people like that nowadays....either that or I just haven't met them yet.

I had something similar go down with one of my (probably now ex-) friends. She became so accustomed to me paying for everything that she just started to expect it. I never heard a "thank you" or any kind of appreciation for anything I did. Then I put my foot down and it pissed her off. She then tried to turn it around and make it sound like she was the victim when she damn well knows what she was trying to do.

Damn dude... are we twins or something?? I feel like I know someone like that too (and just got done more/less telling her off tonight). My advice: move on...get rid of her. You deserve a whole lot better!

Your thing has a few similiarities to what I've gone through. GET AWAY FROM HER and find someone else. There's better people out there.

In my case, the first time I asked her to ever pay for anything and she tells me "so you're cheap now?" I stopped contact after that (6 months or so ago...). Then yesterday she messages me and wants us to at least be friends.

You need to be honest with him. Maybe an easy way of doing it would be just to tell him that him telling you those things makes you feel a little uncomfortable and you don't want him to do those anymore...??? It sounds like a much easier way of giving him the "we're friends" speech and hopefully keeping the friendship.

I'm really sorry to hear things turned out that way. I, too had looked high and low for information on getting out of the "friends zone". I ended up realizing that there was no one right answer and everyone's situation is different.

In my case (long story, very short).... my situation with my best friend (I liked her, she knew it...she knew it was killing me that we weren't together) fell apart last November. We went the "no contact" route where we just didn't want to talk to each other at all....this was until about 2 weeks ago when I saw her online and IMed her out of the blue (I figured "what the hell"). In the last 2 weeks, we've talked nearly every single day...and when we do talk, we talk for anywhere from 1-3 hours a day. Today we got together (face-to-face) for lunch for the first time since we went our own ways. It was....incredible. We talked, we joked, we laughed...it was like old times. We didn't talk about the past. We just talked about what was going on in our lives now, joked like we used to and just enjoyed each other's company. When we first started talking again a couple weeks ago, she asked if I actually wanted to be friends after what happened. I told her that I'd rather we be friends than not talk at all.

It's amazing what a little time can do. Good luck to you.

I've gone through something "kind of" like that (and I say "kind of" in the loosest possible way) with someone who is/was my best friend. All I can say is, speaking from past experience that if she doesn't go for you, IT'S HER LOSS.

Has she said why you aren't right for her???

He sounds like a player/manipulator. Don't get into anything with him, since you know he doesn't want a relationship of any kind. Move on and find someone you know that wants the same things you do and not end up being a late night booty call.

kellie: Wow...The start of your story (and only the start) sounds exactly (and I mean EXACTLY) what I'm going through right now with my best friend....so I could definitely relate more closely to how Ryan is.

I know you can't force feelings or make someone feel a certain way, but what is it about Jacob that puts him above Ryan after everything Ryan has done for you over the last 12 years? Is there anything Jacob is doing or has done that Ryan has not??

Coming from a guy who's in similar shoes as Ryan (helping out a single mom raise her son).... I'd hope you'd step back and look at the situation outside the box. Guys like Ryan who are there for you, help support you and accepts your child, are hard-as-hell to find nowadays.

Maybe some time away from both to think this out would be best?

I really don't know where to start with this since I've never heard of this kind of thing happening to anyone, so bear with me. I would type out EVERYTHING, but I would seriously give War and Peace a run for it's money.

A little background... Last year I began having feelings for my childhood best friend who is now 27 (I'm 26). We've known each other since birth. Last year we began making plans on moving in together, which we're still planning on doing. Upon finding out that she was interested in me, but scared of getting hurt, I took it upon myself to pretty much bring it up and ask her if she'd like us to give it a shot. See this thread: link removed about it. I asked her on New Years Eve night. She said she was for it, but asked that we take it slow so if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. I was the happiest person on earth upon hearing it.

Since that day, not a word has been mentioned of that conversation.

Things are still the way things were. We're still planning on moving in together, etc... etc...

What gets me, is all of this: If anyone can make any sense out of it, I'd be eternally grateful.

In the last few months she's been telling people that we're engaged, that we'll be getting married next year, that I'm her boyfriend, etc..etc.. She tells me "just play along with it". It's not just one person she's told this to, but MANY people. Hell, she even told her parents (I guess in a tongue-in-cheek way) that me and her were going to run off to Las Vegas and get married. Her parents were thrilled beyond belief. She's even brought it up with me about us getting married a couple times. I caught her off guard once and said in a serious tone, "You know, we should!". She then acted like she wanted to respond to it, but covered it up with a fake laugh.

Regarding moving in together..... we're so far from "roommate" talk, it's not even funny. It's all "we" stuff. Like "we can buy a house together", "we can buy a car together", etc... They're all big "we's" that people that plan on spending the rest of their lives together would talk about. She even told me she's willing to relocate with me wherever I end up after graduating.

She has a son who is almost 5. Greatest kid in the world. He's been referring to me as "stepdad" and even she has been referring to me as it. We were talking the other day and she told me that I'm more of a dad to her son than his own biological dad is and that for Fathers Day they want to take me out. For his upcoming birthday me and her are planning on taking him to Disneyland for his birthday. It was something we both came up with for him. On another note, he'll be starting Kindergarten soon and she asked me to come along with her to meet his teacher before the year begins. She's even gone as far as to suggesting we get a picture of all 3 of us and send it to a couple of my relatives with a note saying they have a nephew.

Once we get moved in and settled she told me that she'd like to take her ex to court to get custody of her son taken away from him and actually would like me to end up with joint custody of her son with her.

I really don't know exactly where she's going with all of this. I know she's been through a lot of crap in the past with relationships and she is scared of getting hurt again. Could this be her way of trying to ease into something slowly without getting hurt?? A backdoor approach, so to speak?? Can anyone give me any idea on what she might be trying to tell me or what she wants?? I guess I'm just confused as nothing has been said of the conversation of me and her giving it a shot...and then have all this happen. Any and all help is appreciated.

(This version is the gist of it. I would type up the extended version, but you'd be here until Christmas 2006 reading it)

I know what you're going through. Believe me. This is something that you really can't rush. Proceed with caution and care because you really don't want to ruin things between you both and make things weird.

You really need to see how she feels first. The best way I've found to do it is in a joking matter. If she brings up not having a boyfriend, you could say in a joking way "ok, I'll be your boyfriend" and see her reaction (yes, I've actually done that). This way if it's lighthearted you really don't run the risk of ruining anything if she doesn't respond to it the way you want her to. If she ends up responding positively to it, just keep up what you're doing and with any luck something great will happen.

Just keep in mind, everything will not happen overnight. The longer you're friends, the bigger bond you build, the more you'll have there as a foundation for if and when you take it to the next level.

I know a lot about this because I've been in a somewhat similar situation with someone who I've known for just over 26 years (we're childhood friends). I started out with the joking thing shortly after I started having feelings for her to try and get a gauge on where she was at. Right now me and her are at the point where it's plain as day that we like each other and have feelings for each other, but with everything she's been through she's scared of getting hurt again. So I'm taking my time here with mine....

When I was going through what you were about "should I say something?", "Does she like me too?", etc.... I came here and even onto a couple other forums reading through other stories trying to find that one "right answer" when in fact I came to realize that there is no one right answer since everyone, every situation is different and every outcome is different.

Keep up what you're doing and good luck to you and keep us posted.

I wouldn't give him another chance. You've given him more than enough chances, as he sure as heck knows he shouldn't be lying.

He only continues to do so because he'll know you'll take him back...as you have time and time again. He's just continuing to do it because he knows you'll just take him back again.

I joined needing advice. It also helped just reading through past topics knowing that other people have gone through or are going through what I've gone through.

It's so easy to say anything over instant messaging. You really need to be with and see the person face-to-face.

How about an amusement park, concert, park, zoo, go biking, etc...??

Best advice I can give you is just keep going with it and take your time. Getting to really know her on a personal level when you're friends is by far and away the best way to find out who she really is and what kind of person she really is -- that way you do know the real her. I know it's frustrating and you want the "girlfriend/boyfriend" thing to happen RIGHT NOW, but don't push anything. Rushing into something could very well scare her off.

Thanks!! The real thanks is to all of you here who has given me advice on this over the last couple of months. It's really appreciated. It's been great to have this place to come to for this.

Believe me, it had to be the most nervewracking thing I've ever said to anyone. The hardest part was to start it...after that I just let it go. After I got it out, it felt like a million pounds off my back which was so much more rewarding when she accepted/agreed.

For those in any similar situation with a close friend, just know that it CAN happen to you if you take your time with it and all the cards fall into place.

Thanks again to everyone here.

UPDATE!!

I TOLD HER!!

We went out to dinner tonight and upon me pulling up to her house I told her that I needed to talk to her. I basically said (more/less) "why don't we give it a shot?". She happily agreed and wants to pursue it too. We decided to take it slow so we don't ruin our friendship. That way we both see if this is what we really want or not.

I'm sooooooooooooooo happy.

Well...good news here!

Well...I found out last night from her female best friend that she IS in fact interested in me, but she's scared of being hurt again as her first boyfriend was a great guy when she met him (like I am) and 2 or 3 years into the relationship he turned into an * * *, so she dumped him.

So at this point, I'm not sure exactly what to say or how to say it. Me and her have known each other forever and even have long-term plans together so she knows I'd never turn out like that. Any advice is appreciated.

(As you can imagine, when I found this out last night I was literally on cloud 9. )

I know what you're going through. Believe me. I'm having a hard enough time reading the girl in my situation. There's times when it seems like she's not interested in more...and then there's times when it seems like she is (talking about a future together, living together, etc..).

There's more, but anyway... One thing you could do which I've done in mine is joke about it and gauge her reaction. For instance, me and the girl in my situation were at StarBucks a couple weeks ago. We were talking about how you really need to connect with someone to be in a relationship with them, etc... We both agreed that the only people we connect with is each other and she wishes she could find a b/f she could connect with as well. I joked "Ok then, I'll be your boyfriend" (in a joking way).

It's better than trying nothing...

Have you tried talking to him about this and how you feel??

This is a followup to [link removed post from about 2 months ago and I really don't know what she's thinking. (Please read and this will make more sense below)

She's 26, I'm 26...we've known each other forever - literally.

Since that post a couple months ago, we've basically 'danced' around the idea of being together by joking about it, etc... So.....

In the last few weeks the talk has gotten to be more about 'us' and she tells me that the only thing that is 'wrong' with me (translation: making me undatable to her) is that I'm not Latino and my chest isn't built up. She says she's just attracted to those who are that way. Everything else about me is perfect to her (according to her).

Not long after that we are talking about what's more important to each other in a relationship and she said that the emotional part is the biggest part and has to come first and attraction can always come later (I think she's keeping the door open for me - maybe - in case she comes back since she had told me she was once attracted to guys like me).

So...basically....I'm everything she wants in a guy except for 2 little things about looks and she's everything I'm looking for a girl. Yet...she says the emotional part is the most important part???

Sooo....Sunday night she ends up bringing home this guy (as you can probably guess, he's latino and "built"). He lives 2 1/2 hours away. Based on what she's told me of him, we've figured out he's insecure, jealous, really doesn't care for kids (even though he told her he loves kids), lies (he lied about his age - who knows what else), he's needy (calls her 6-7 times a day to wonder where she's at, etc...) and there's no trust (she mentioned to him she went to bible study and the first thing he asks was if she saw any cute guys there, if she ever dated any of them, if she found any of them attractive, etc..). I told her all this and she agrees with me on it -- and she's got plans to see him on Saturday (go figure).

I flat out told her over the last few days he sounds like bad news and I also told her that I know that the only reason she went out with him is because of his looks. It was so damn obvious. I told her also (which I've told her many times before) that looks can only get you so far and she says she knows that.

So while he's over (for the first time), her mom (basically comes to my rescue) and tells her in front of him that he's no good for her and that I'm the perfect guy for her and she's too damn blind to see it. Then proceeded to tell her that the only 2 guys she would ever approve of her ending up with would be either me or her ex (the biological father of her kid). I wish I was a fly on the wall then. Me and her had a good laugh the next day when she told me about it that it must have made him feel like crap. Plus, on Monday when we were talking she did nothing but complain about this guy and how he seemed to be like her previous boyfriend.

It's so damn ironic since she wants a guy like me and I want a girl like her (basically verbatim).....but what's keeping us apart are attributes which I have basically no control over.

I just wish she would open her eyes and not be so blinded by looks. She was in a relationship with a guy who she broke up with earlier this year. He was the EXACT same way as this guy she brought home. He treated her like crap for 8 months until she finally wised up and gave him the boot.

The real 'kicker' to all this is that this next year we plan on getting a place together, but it hasn't been "roommate" talk...it's been about stuff that couples would generally do (buy a car, etc....hell, even adoption a few years down the road). She says she wants to do all this with me since I treat her better than any other guy, we trust each other, I'm the only guy her kid actually likes, etc...etc...

On top of all this, she's been trying to keep me single. I was setup for a blind date a few weekends ago and I mentioned it to her and she told me without hesitation "Don't go". Heck, any woman that comes up around me she says they're not good enough enough for me, etc....

So I have no idea what the heck to think or anything.... I get the feeling she's trying to keep me in reserve...or...I dunno??? Any help is appreciated. I'm sooooooo confused.

About a month and a half ago or so I posted on another board here on enotalone about having feelings for my lifelong best friend. To cut it short, we're both 26 and see each other 4 or 5 days a week....

Anyways, the last couple of months anytime a woman's name pops up anywhere around me, she puts up the offenses and goes to town.

For example:

-- 2 weekends ago I was about setup for a blind date through another friend. I mentioned it to her and without even asking about the girl she told me "no, don't do it" and "you better not go on it".

-- On campus, even if I point out another girl she finds some excuse as to why this girl isn't right for me. (She's always doing this).

Any idea why she's putting up her offenses like this around me when it comes to other girls?? I have a couple of ideas, but just wanted to see what others thought.

See maybe thats the prob... guys come and go but a friend is 4ever... and girls might be taking that to seriously...out of hand

I think most of it is that 99.99% of women have no idea what they want.

it is like we are afraid to hurt a good guy .....cause how can u hurt a good guy ... that would go aganist very single one of our principles... since we know a good guy is hard to find. So we rather not go there and be responsible for hurting u if things don't work out. It's just too much pressure to date u ...

Saying you'd hurt a good guy....were you planning on hurting one on purpose?? Saying that you're afraid of hurting a good guy shows just how bad some women must be at being girlfriends/significant others. Girls think they aren't hurting a guy by staying friends with him when in fact you are hurting him when you reject him.

i suggest being a good guy in disguise. I know being a good guy (gg from now on) is a great thing but maybe u should keep that to urself; on the down low. Don't tell no one...

just meet a girl and be urself

Those 2 statements completely contradict themselves. Why should he have to go out and put on a facade of who he isn't just to please a woman?? Wouldn't she find out sooner or later he really is a good guy??

but don't tell them stories where ur gg persona might be apparent.... how u treat her will be more than enough to let them know that ur a guy worth getting to know.

So don't be a good guy towards her?? No wonder women are attracted to guys who treat them like crap.

Be a regular guy...remember we dont want a superman, do no wrong man... we, like u, want a REGULAR person... of course with gg qualities... try to find a balance.

I think he should just be himself because if she really likes him, she'll like him and accept him for who he really is - not who he isn't.

GIRLl THINKS:

OMG he is so sweet, wow .... i wish i had a FRIEND like that. None of my guy friends would stay up so late with me to discuss my love life. Wow he is really a GOOD GUY. What if i date him and it doesn't work out? what if it's my fault ... i would be out of a great potential friend and out of a bf.... i can't hurt him (a gg).. i wouldn't be able to forgive myself...if it doesnt work out how do i break it off?...i betternot start anything...too bad he is cute too. ..... OH he is going to call her to check up on her... wow ..i need a friend like that ...so understanding... since he is guy, maybe he can give me advice on how to deal with men... it would be good to have him on my corner.... I think i'm gonna keep him as a FRIEND. Yup thats what i'll do.

 

So now that i have animated what might be teh thought process of a grl ... coming from a grl perspective... see what u can do to change that and trust me... becominga jerk ..will not help ur cause.... because u might have more relationship but none will last very long.

 

Also u have to know that once a grl sees a potential great friend it's hard to see u as a potential bf... only once we are sure the gains of going-out out weight the risk of hurting u and guilt that will follow if it happens wil we attempt to give u a chance. By that time we are very into u

Ok, now this is what most of us guys don't understand. You girls find a guy with all these great qualities that EVERY woman says they want in a guy ("I just want a nice guy." "I just want a guy who will treat me right.", etc..etc..) and then you push him to the side as a 'friend' in leiu of someone who treats you like crap and disrespects you. Common sense would say that if you find someone really great for you (you know, that "good guy") to not let him go (ask him out). Women complain all the time "I can never find a good guy/nice guy/someone who treats me right" when in fact he's been there all along...but you've labeled him as a 'friend'.

I'm sorry this whole post sounds harsh but I'm one of those "good guys" who have had my fair share "you're such a great guy", blah, blah, blah....and it's something I'm still trying to comprehend how the female species mind seems to work when it comes to selecting guys.

The world may never know....

I'd step back and don't step into that other guy's territory.

If she has a boyfriend right now and is willing to flirt with you, how do you know she wouldn't do the same to other guys if you were her boyfriend?