oates

My father shot himself. I was 20 years old and just starting to get closer to him after my angry teenage years. Its been 5 years exactly and everything is surreal I have developed horrible social anxieties that terrify people. I can't stop thinking everyone hates me and is trying to make my life more miserable. What's even worse is they think I am doing this on purpose and they treat me like a criminal. My intentions are good I don't want to harm anyone, I always try to be kind and helpful, which makes it hurt so much more. Its not just in this town but the whole city, state, probably country. It hurts so much, I am such a failure, How can I amount to anything when there is a whole world out there that wants to push me down!?? I deserve to die don't I?

Nothing really means anything. Status is nothing. Someone acting like they are better is backed by nothing. The only thing there is in this world is beliefs. We get lost and we see how empty it all is and we get sad. Its hard to get back but you have to remember what you believe in because what you believe is the only thing that is real or could be real in your life. Its hard to believe in those things when you feel so far from them but that is what keeps you sane and lets you live the way you want to.