Leighan

I don't know why I'm writing into this.. Because all I find is very lovely people saying supporting things. Although I understand you are all wonderful people trying to help others I have been through the mill of this and have not found anyone that I feel can help me. I tried therapy. I tried anti depressants. I tried meditation to start thinking better.. I feel that suicide just follows me. I have that sinking feeling in my heart. I have hurt someone , they don't know I have yet. I don't know if they will ever find out but it's something that , if it comes to the surface , will push me further into my decision. Although that's not the sole reason for this. I have been thinking about my death for a long time.. I suppose the only thing that stops me is that I know I will hurt a few people afterwards. I know they might feel to blame and I am using what time I feel I have left to make them see I can be happy and that I am not a reminder of failure or hate or anger. It's not self pity. I am rather proud of some things I have achieved in my life. I've been in and out of college. I've gained and lost some friends in my time like we all do when we move on in life. I'm 21 years old and I have and I am still in a relationship with a really nice guy. We've been together almost 5 years. I'm glad of the time we've spent together although now it seems to be fading. Not due to how I am. I have told him how I feel , he knows under the surface. It's all walking on eggshells isnt it? People are afraid to speak to you about certain things which gets you too worried to mention. My anxiety attacks were basically a window for my mum thinking I'm a bit mad.. Or at least that's how it feels. Btw , I get on well with my family. That's not the reason behind this. I can't say I have a reason. Chemical imbalance is a word spread around towards people with a negative attitude to life.. I'm not exactly negative though. I'm optimistic , or as optimistic as you can get in my circumstance. I believe people should help others , no wars , no poverty... I don't hate anyone. Do I hate myself? I'm not so sure. Like I said I am proud of a few things I've done with my life and I have a few hobbies that I enjoy.. Just nothing that I see taking on to the rest of my life. I dare say I am actually content with the thought of killing myself. I wouldn't say I'm in a rush I just know that one day that is how I will die and I cannot say why... That's rather confusing right? I just know it's going to happen whether tomorrow , next week , next year... Although in the past year.. I feel it closer. I suppose I'm posting this to say.. Well done to those who have more answers than me and more courage. Those than can find something in this and to those who have the patience to give peace to those who need reassurance. Thankyou.