redswim30

11 hours ago, Bloom565 said:

What I want to do is let go of my ex so I can love my husband the way he deserves but I'm failing at that. I want to get my ex out of my mind but I'm unable to. 

The problem is this line of thought is that you are creating a false equivalency.

Even if you DO let go of your ex, and BTW- you SHOULD- you aren't going to magically love your husband more. 

You yourself said that " a gentle husband doesn't float your boat"- will that really change if you never contact your ex again?  It's not going to make your husband change who he is.  It will just make you continue seeking, whether actively or not, and you will eventually meet ANOTHER man that intrigues you or excites you in a way that your husband doesn't.  

You may love your husband as a person and the idea of him, but I don't think you are in love with your husband.  And if that is the case, then you should be fair to both him and yourself and get a divorce.  Your husband doesn't deserve to be your consolation prize and he deserves someone that truly loves him back- madly, truly, deeply. Not someone who is constantly worrying what she is missing and really just loves him as a friend. 

What is missing for you isn't just going to do away because you feel guilty for not being in love with your husband that you feel you should be in love with, but aren't.  If you truly do love and respect your husband as a person, then you should tell him the truth and let him go.  Do not stay married out of "obligation" or because you are afraid of being alone. 

Please get a divorce.  You aren't being kind to your husband by living a lie.  In the future, don't marry someone based on who your family likes.  While it's fine for that to be a factor, you are the one who is married to the person and it has to make YOU happy, too. 

Did you marry my ex-husband?  I feel for you, OP, cause I've been there. 

My ex-husband did the same thing to me, it's abuse.  He would treat me like garbage til I'd want to leave, then he'd BEG me to come back, "lovebomb" me til I did, then once I did- treat me even WORSE than before. 

I wish someone had told me this at the time.  No matter how much YOU love someone, nothing you say or do will make them love you how you want to be loved.  Sadly, love isn't enough.  Compatibility matters.  Respect matters.  How they treat you at their WORST matters, cause that's real life.  

You need to get a divorce.  He won't change- trust me on this, I know from my own experience.  You will just waste time thinking and hoping and trying to make things better, but at the end of the day- YOU CAN'T CONTROL HIM.   If he wanted to treat you better, he would.  Take your son and move out. 

It's the healthiest option for all three of you.   And do NOT let him "reel you back in".  This isn't love, it's control and abuse. 

Best of luck to you.  VERY truly. 

On 9/27/2021 at 5:03 PM, David061 said:

 

I'm trying to be positive but the "I promise I won't do it again.  (I will try harder to not get caught)" does hit the hardest. It's hard to throw away the years. 

 

Yes I was blamed for not being there for her. That was most of the fight. 

So. she cheats on YOU- Repeatedly.  Then wants to gaslight you and say it's YOUR fault?

PLEASE get a divorce.  Or stay married knowing she will never stop cheating on you and then trying to blame you for HER actions.

Your parents marriage is their business.  If it works for your mom, then that's her choice- not yours. 

Seek counseling for your own issues and move out of your parents house. 

I think you're setting yourself up for a WORLD full of trouble. 

You know from your own experience, that every parenting story has TWO sides.  Your ex might be telling other men that she's dating what your current gf is saying to you.  That you just don't care or want to be involved.  Parenting is complicated, as you already know, and rarely is ONE side of the story the WHOLE side, so beware. 

You're already calling this woman the love of your life?  Why? Honestly, I'm asking.  

Find out if you really are by taking some time apart.  I'm serious.  Make sure that it's really YOU that she likes and not the 'shining knight" routine that she loves.  You aren't her children's father.  Being a stepparent is far different than being a regular parent. I know because I am a stepparent.  You will have to deal with your partner's ex forever, as they will always be the parent of the children.  You will not always agree.  You may also come to discover things about your partner through them.  You also see another way of parenting that you may or may not agree with.  I do not think you are ready for this whilst you still have tons of unresolved issues with your own ex and son.   You need to come to a more fair visitation agreement.  Simply refuse to give money until she agrees to speak about terms with you.  I'm curious why this hasn't already been hashed out, as most courts will be on your side to fight for visitation. 

I think you are seeing your new relationship thru rose colored glasses right now.   Take some time apart.  Don't be there to be "Hopeful Daddy number 3" and see if she's still interested.  Seriously. 

OP, the issue isn't about your husband's grooming habits, it's about your HUSBAND and how you don't trust him at ALL. 

From your previous posts, he's shown you again and again who he is.  So, WHY do you just look for clues (spying on his phone, reading into the man-scaping) to justify your distrust when you already KNOW he is unfaithful, a liar, disrespectful, etc.  You KNOW these things, continuing to compile proof means nothing if you just plan to complain and stay with him anyway.  

This is who he is.  Period.  He's not changing. He's PROVEN it by you talking to him and his behavior staying the same and getting worse.  He doesn't respect you. Your choices are stay with him and accept it or get divorced.  That's it.  And if you continue to stay with him, you might as well STOP playing "detective" because you already KNOW who he is and what he's doing.  He's a DOG.  Sorry, didn't mean to insult dogs.  Dogs are loyal.