redswim30

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What is his plan to deal with his depression and anxiety and to get employment?

I also want to know the answer to this.   You cannot do any of this for him and please understand that nothing YOU can do is going to change his mindset. 

Are you married?  Can you simply move out?  I think it may be best to take some time apart.  

He's taking out his inner turmoil on you and that's not fair.   I hope you know the oil incident is abuse on multiple levels.  BTW, if not working or doing anything, then why couldn't he wash it, if he can apparently do it "perfectly?" 

It's up to you if you want to stay with this guy, but if I were you, I wouldn't.   Anyone can be a decent partner when life is easy.  When life's hurdles come up is when you meet the real person.   

Just don't expect anything is going to change while he's inactive.   He either needs to seek counseling and a job or seek another place to live.  

4 hours ago, PDW said:

 

My partner tells me I don't do enough to help her. She isn't working and hasn't been for a while and I know she hates this being the case. We're now at a point where we aren't talking, she feels I don't do enough for her, I'm lazy, even been called useless. She no longer shares a bed with me and I'm at a complete loss with what to do?

 

This is a huge issue.  I think it's clear that you are trying your best, and your wife needs to stop viewing you as the enemy.  You can't keep up?  Welcome to life with multiple children.  It's always going to be a juggling act.  Once they are both older, it becomes who is taking who where.  It's tough and I understand that, but you have to be united as a team.  It's almost cruel the route your wife is taking, blaming you and seemingly punishing you for things not being perfect.  You two need to address this head-on now or things will only get worse.  Calling you names isn't going to fix anything and that needs to stop.  You have to get on the same page. 

I have to ask, was this a planned child and was she planning not to return to work?  

You need to ask her to sit down and have a conversation.   You have to say, "look, you are obviously unhappy but you need to know that I am genuinely trying my best.  I'm worried about the path this is taking us down and I want to brainstorm about possible supportive solutions for us going forwards."

Possible solutions to look into- 

Familial babysitting?  

A part time maid? 

Making sure you schedule a date night/grown ups only night once a week?

A plan for her to return to work?

Possible chores the older child can help with? (There's age appropriate chores nearly every child can do) 

Possible counseling for your wife?  Is it possible she has some postpartum depression? 

A better system for planning and scheduling? 

One thing is for clear and certain.  Your wife needs to adjust her attitude, or you'll be fighting a losing battle.  What exactly did she think would happen with adding a second child to your household?  She needs to better manage her expectations.  People who like to say 50/50 chore splits aren't being realistic.  This number is always going to fluctuate.  Sometimes she'll do more, sometimes you'll do more-that's just life.  If you go around with an attitude of "measuring fairness", you'll never be happy. The important part is putting in the effort and it honestly seems like both of you are trying, and it's your wife is mad at the fact that's it's imperfect.  

Have that conversation and see how it goes.  She has to be willing to create changes if she expects anything TO change.  Nothing will get better with stonewalling, criticism, contempt, and defensiveness.  These are also the horsemen of marriage failure.  If she is unwilling to TRY, then I'm sorry to say you are headed on a way one train to divorce if your marriage becomes how much "punishment" you are willing and able to withstand over the long term. 

You're incompatible.   Break up.   

OP, I assume you want an answer beyond, " He wants to have sex" 

^ though that is the likeliest scenario here. 

I feel thru your posts you are fishing for someone to say that he likes you, and that's why he keeps choosing to sleep with you.  But I don't think that's the case.  He doesn't care how you "treat him", you aren't in a relationship, you're just sleeping together.  It's pretty easy to sleep with people you wouldn't necessarily date. 

Don't have casual sex if you can't accept that to most people that's exactly what it is- casual, no strings attached sex.   It's pretty simple. 

NONE of them! 

Be alone right now.  Not only because you don't really know what you want, but because - 

NO RELATIONSHIP CAN FIX YOUR INNER ISSUES 

Please read that over and over again. 

Too often people think " If only I meet the perfect person, then my problems will go away and I'll never want more." 

This is flawed logic in multiple directions.

1.  There's no such things as the perfect person.  Every relationship has problems, and every single person is going to have qualities you like better and like less than others.  You can't go around comparing every little thing, or you'll never be satisfied.  You have to choose WHAT values are most important to you and seek those.  But no one person is going to be perfect. 

2. NO ONE can make you happy but yourself.  Even in the best of relationships, no one can make you personally happy. 

3. You're going to have struggles in any relationship you have.  ALL relationships have ruts, mundane periods, etc. You're going to occasionally want more/better in THEORY (acting on it is a separate thing, but IMO if most people are honest, the DESIRE for someone new will pop up at least occasionally- whether it's a dry spell, a difficult hurdle or a simple rut in the relationship)  Only you're asexual or DEAD- you're going to find other people attractive, interesting, see qualities in other people that you like.  This does not mean you should keep jumping from person to person, because you could do that til the end of time, but also because it's not going to ultimately make YOU happy anyway. 

I'm in a much healthier 2nd marriage than my first.  But, there's still things/traits about my first husband that I prefer- he was better with technology, he was more ambitious, he had more surface level interests in common with me.  However, those are just TRAITS and surface things and doesn't mean we were a better match.  My current husband and I share the MOST IMPORTANT VALUES that I did NOT share with my ex.  But if I wanted to, I could sit down and nitpick minor issues/traits about my husband that I did not like or go looking for those little things elsewhere- another guy likes video games more! But at some point you make a CHOICE as to what is most important to you and you let go of the small insignificant details.  

I strongly recommend seeking individual counseling.   Look to solve your inner problems, and not using the band aid of a relationship to do so. 

8 minutes ago, Citizen89 said:

I didn't know she was in a relationship when we first talked for 75 mins.

So what?  This means nothing.   You are reading WAY too much into extremely casual interactions. 

I'm married and I don't bring up my husband to co-workers I barely know.  Not because I'm unhappy, just because I like to keep my private life private. 

Just now, Citizen89 said:

 

 

The soulmate thing with the current woman is unreasonable comfort level and bluntness. I catch my self saying things I would only say to my closest friends. I do this repeatedly. Never happened with another woman or man. 

But understand that is coming from your OWN PROJECTION- NOT from HER. 

You're infatuated with an IDEA of her, not the real her. 

Just now, Citizen89 said:

I will take the readers advice to let her divorce first. if she believes me that I'm there when she has, then it was meant to be.

That's probably the safest way too.

GOOD!   

I say this truly with your best interest at heart- She has given you zero indication that she likes you as anything other than a co-worker. You haven't said you like her to her.  There is no relationship here, so please do not delude yourself.  She's not your soulmate ( you don't even know each other) she's not anything other than your co-worker.

If you pursue any sort of action here, she is just going to think you are a creepy obsessive stalker and either report you to HR or seek police protection or legal protection from you. 

Please let go of this fantasy and date someone who is single and ideally NOT a co-worker. 

I don't actually see any concrete evidence that this woman is interested in you romantically. 

If you're not careful, the only thing you'll be ending up with is a restraining order. 

But let's be in fantasy land for a few minutes to indulge you- 

Let's say she DOES leave her husband and get divorced?  What then?  Odds that she's going to jump into another committed relationship instantly are slim to none.  Even IF she did have feelings for you (which I don't really see any sign that she does.  Even IF she was flirting, it doesn't mean anything.) 

She's going to be 100% focused on her children, not you.  (as she should) 

Her husband- read that again- HUSBAND AND FATHER OF HER CHILDREN- is always always always going to be in her life.  

I'm a stepmom and it's not fun and roses, especially at the beginning.  It was incredibly hard.  And the kids take priority.  You aren't going to live out some beautifully epic love story here.  It's messy, complicated and challenging- even in the BEST circumstances. 

Please stop putting this woman on a pedestal.  Also, there's no such thing as soul mates.  There's just imperfect people that work hard at relationships. 

You need to put your focus on single women.   Wait and SEE IF she gets divorced.   Taking a ring off doesn't mean squat.  I've had my ring off for cleaning, illness (swollen fingers) and repair. 

Please don't get yourself in trouble here.  She won't thank you for being weirdly obsessed with her. 

I'm sorry to say, you are married to an abuser.  Please get out of this situation. 

I'm all for marriage counseling- but NOT in cases like this.  Not with abusers.  Counseling isn't a magic band-aid.  People have to WANT to change for counseling to be effective at all.  Otherwise, you'll just be spinning your wheels and delaying the inevitable. If she thinks everything is your fault, counseling won't change a thing.  It won't magically "open her eyes". 

Nothing you can do is going to make her happy.  Sounds like she doesn't love anyone, herself included.

Skip the counselor and start looking into lawyers. 

There's NOTHING "weird" or "odd" about having a younger friend. 

I never understand why people choose to make age differences "weird." They aren't, unless you choose to view them that way.  And believe me, there's TONS of toxic friendships out there with people the same age.   It ultimately means nothing. 

If you connect with someone, you connect with them.  Who CARES what age they are? It's only be unethical if the person was under 18.  But for two adults?  SURE! Why not?

Don't believe detractors who say - " You can only interact with people your own age."  Why, exactly?  It's naive to assume that you have things in common with people simply because they are the same age as you.  What does that prove other than you were born at similar times.  I have known TONS of people my age that I have exactly ZERO in common with.  Having cultural reference to the same tv shows or trends is just surface level stuff and doesn't mean you will actually have anything deep or real in common, anyway.   Conversely, the vast majority of my close friends are around 10-20 years older than me.  I am an old soul and as such have more in common with them than people my own age. 

Incidentally, just as a side note, I am married to someone much older than me.  One of the biggest criticisms of our relationship was the classic " You aren't at the same place in life."  Again, that really doesn't always equate to age.  I had been married previously to someone my own age and we were NEVER "at the same place".  My current husband and I want the exact same things and view the world the exact same way. And sure, he can't sing the theme to "Duck Tales" with me, but so what?  What does that prove?  That we shouldn't be together despite being perfect for one another?  But some people think we shouldn't be together simply because of when we were born, which if you think about it, is insanely stupid and shortsighted and we'd be missing on on the love of our lives for no good reason.

Don't miss out on what could be a great friendship simply because it's slightly unconventional.  So what?  

The age difference isn't your problem. 

STOP "complimenting" her right now.  This could be construed as sexual harassment. 

Also, from a female perspective- we do not appreciate being hit on at work.  I personally find it creepy when it's happened to me and I say "thank you", just to get the guy to leave.  Please understand (and this isn't personal, it's just a FACT that few men truly appreciate or understand)- Women are hit on inappropriately ALL THE TIME.  Women often find ourselves in situations where we don't want to seem rude or face retaliation, so we'll say "thank you" and move on.  Because (ask any woman you know)- TOO often if we say even the MILDEST form of "no" or anything negative, we are met with aggressive response.  (IE Well, you're just a B!, I guess you think you're too good for me.  And other vile things I won't repeat here)

PLEASE do not equate a woman being kind for romantic interest.   It's also best NOT to date co-workers.  Too much drama and chances for things to go south.   

You can't "learn" to be attracted to someone.  Attraction isn't always just about looks, but if you aren't attracted to someone, then you just aren't.   

I have a close male friend that I tried to date back when I was single.  I love everything about him, but I'm NOT attracted to him.  I thought I was just being "shallow" and not wanting to be considered shallow, I tried dating him thinking I could "learn" to be attracted to him.  But that never happened, instead he just wanted to do things that I had no interest in doing with him- even kissing him was like kissing my brother.  I couldn't lead him on, so I broke up with him.  We didn't speak for a while.  

After some time passed, we went back to being friends.  I wish I hadn't tried dating him in the first place, knowing that I wasn't attracted to him.  I feel like I hurt him more by dating him when I wasn't into it than I would have by just telling him no or not trying it to begin with. 

Attraction isn't EVERYTHING, but it's still important if you and the other person want a typical adult romantic relationship with physical intimacy. 

Different for everyone, of course. 

But to me- As someone who has the perspective of a bad first marriage and a good second one- 

1. Someone who RESPECTS YOU- even when you disagree, even when you fight, even when life gets tricky 

2. Someone who chooses LOVE.  What I mean is- they can be mad or choose to give you love, forgiveness, grace for being imperfect.  Not someone who holds mistakes over your head or bring sup past mistakes to "win points". 

3. Someone who can APOLOGIZE and ADMIT their own shortcomings- this is a BIG one.  You will NEVER have a happy marriage with someone who can never admit they are wrong, say they are sorry or try to be better. 

4. Someone who SUPPORTS you.  This means different things to different people= so it's important to know which kind of SUPPORT matter most to YOU.  For some, it's financial support, emotional support, career support, problem support- everyone wants all - but you have to understand that some people are good at some of these, but not all of them.  Align with someone who can offer the TYPE of SUPPORT you need to thrive. 

5.  Someone who handles STRESS and CONFLICT resolution SIMILIAR TO YOU. 

6. Someone whose CORE VALUES ALIGN WITH YOURS- How much time you spend w/family, how much time you spent together or apart, how you view money, how you feel about kids, how you feel about making big life changes, your sense of humor, making sure you your life goals are aligned-  Little things about a person can change, but I believe THESE things rarely do.  I see marriages fail when people believe they can change one of these things about their partner. 

7. Someone who views you as a TEAM.  I think this is one that people miss.  My ex would make decisions all the time that effected me without ASKING me if I was ok with them.  He viewed it as Me and him, not as US.  I saw that thru line continue in multiple ways.  My current husband always considers everything as " if this the right choice for US"- this makes a WORLD of difference. 

These, to me, are the MAJOR ingredients to make a happy and successful marriage.  These were all lacking in my first marriage, but are present in my current one.   It's important to remember that no one is perfect and no marriage is perfect.  Everyone has highs and lows.  However, if you strive to grow together and be united no matter what life throws at you, the partnership can be quite rewarding. 

I think you should consider if you want to stay with someone who tries to silence you or shame you into silence. 

I think people with opposing viewpoints CAN have a harmonious marriage.  Example, I'm fairly spiritual and my husband is an agnostic.  HOWEVER, I think the key is that you have to RESPECT each other's beliefs (Not believing the same thing yourself, but respecting your PARTNER for feeling the way that they do).  For example, my husband doesn't make fun of me for being a believer, even though he disagrees and he doesn't stop me from speaking about my faith anytime I want to, as much as I want to, to whomever I want to.  I likewise don't shame him for not believing or being vocal on his opinion.   

Politics can be tricky.  But you should never have to compromise who you are to be with someone. 

I'm more concerned about his efforts to silence you than for having an opposing opinion.  I once dated someone who said about my beliefs, " You shouldn't care about all that nonsense".  I was out of there SO FAST.  NOT because he disagreed with me, but because he was comfortable disrespecting and belittling me. 

14 hours ago, electricorchid said:

I come from a very different upbringing, I do feel incredibly guilty in needing to return favors for them only bc I'm 28 and living at home and they've allowed me to move in (& I dont pay a dime, just groceries) but it's also because they said they support me in saving money in rent to grow my business. My parents are very generous with me, . They are constantly demeaning what I do for them around the house too.. like always belittling and telling me I don't do any chores. 

I can't help but feel guilty... her words really hurt me the other day.

You ARE paying, OP.  Just not in money. Every choice in life comes with a price, just not always monetary.  You are paying an emotional and psychological price to live there. Your parents are being abusive.  I think you'd be better off finding your own place, and paying in money. It's less destructive. 

This is the problem with living with parents as an adult.  Often, no matter how old you are, that dynamic returns.  The problem is, you aren't a child anymore and they shouldn't treat you that way, especially if THEY are choosing to let you live there.  You don't owe them chores or anything else.  Again, they are CHOOSING to let you live there.  They wouldn't make that choice unless THEY got something out of it.  And make no mistake, they ARE getting something out of it.  They are getting you back in the "child" role and trying to control you.  Of course you feel guilty, they are guilt-tripping you! 

If you stay there, this dynamic will only continue.  Either accept that this is the actual price you pay (in emotional and psychological  abuse) to live rent-free OR move out.   If I were you, I would move out.  You can find roommates to share the load of the rent.  IMVHO, you'd be happier, less stressed and ultimately, healthier.   I think it's worth spending a little for peace of mind and being able to live fully as an "adult".  They've shown you who they are and how they intend to treat you and the price they expect you to pay emotionally to remain in their home.  You either accept their price by staying or refuse to accept abuse in exchange for housing and leave. 

Do I think you're in love with your friend?  Yes, I do.  OK, now that that's out of the way- 

I don't like to attach the labels "right" and "wrong" to things, because there's so much in life that isn't simple or black and white.   I don't believe that we choose who we love.  I think really falling in love sometimes does just happen to us, no matter our circumstances.   I don't think it's "controllable", and I think that biologically we are animals that experiences all sorts of feelings that that we know aren't always appropriate within our social construct.  Sometimes these are unacceptable things, sometimes our constructs seem silly. 

However, we DO live within certain societal constructs.   I'm glad that you care enough about them both to not want to hurt them.   I think you would be wise to remember this; Feelings and actions don't always live on the same block.   Feelings don't always mean we should take actions.  And when we do take action, the result won't always match our feelings. 

Sometimes when we build someone up so much, we fail to recognize logic and realism.  Realistically, your friend isn't perfect.  Her husband isn't perfect.  You aren't perfect.  No relationship is perfect.  Theirs isn't and even if you DID have one with her, that would not be perfect either. 

I wonder if because of your past, you are seeking this feeling of "goodness" and "perfection".  You recognize this in them and in her specifically.  It's fine to see that and desire that, and it still could mean you have real feelings for her.  But it's also important to understand that perfection doesn't exist and whether you see it in her or another women, you will be disappointed.

Personally, I think you are missing out on meeting another wonderful and available woman that could potentially be an even better match for you.  As much as you may love your friend, no one is ever going to live up to an image of perfection.  There's tons of people in the world, odds of there being someone like her that's been looking for someone like you is extremely high! 

In my view, you really have two choices. 

1. As you mentioned, distance yourself.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Meet new people and look for someone unattached.  You can say you are looking for a girlfriend or spending more time working on yourself.  You don't need to explain further.

2. Tell her the truth.  Understand this is not likely to end how you want it to.  Best case scenario, she is who you think she is and respond kindly but with a firm, " I'm so flattered, but I'm in love with my husband." Worst case, she is appalled and doesn't want to see you again.  And with either response, she'll probably feel best with some distance between you.  I don't think you have to move. 

Please note the common denominator in these options.  You have to move forward and move on. 

I won't do you the disservice of saying "just get over her", as I know it's not that easy.  However, you have to do something for your own well being.  Either keep the feelings to yourself and learn to get over her.  Or else confess your feelings and then work on getting over her.   No matter what, you need to take her off a pedestal in your mind.  

I'm glad you are on the road to recovery and you are seeking therapy.  Good for you! Truly.  That's not easy.  Time to take this a step further and focus on yourself and new relationships and experiences. 

A good way to distract yourself in the meantime, try new things.  Take a class, go rock climbing, explore new towns.  Work on fulfilling yourself.  You can do this. 

All the best, 

Red

You're NOT being selfish, your mother is.  

I assume b/c you work two jobs you are an adult over the age of 21? 

You have to take care of yourself first.   That's not selfish, that's self-preservation. 

You don't owe your mother anything.  Not this dress or anything else.   I'm about to say something controversial, but this is just MVHO-  I will never understand parents who think/feel that their children "owe them" ANYTHING.  If you choose to have children, that's a choice that YOU made and that child owes you nothing in return for that choice. They didn't choose to be born to you. They don't owe you favors, taking care of you, or bowing to your every whim.  That's not to say kids shouldn't do nice things for their parents, I'm talking about the parents that demand it or act like it's a given that they are "OWED" and sometimes dictate what they feel they are "owed". No matter the child's age this is unhealthy, but especially for an adult child. 

BACK TO YOU- If you are an adult (as I'm assuming you are), your mother is again CHOOSING to let you live there, CHOOSING to cook for you or do you favors, and whatever else she is CHOOSING to do. 

Those are HER CHOICES.  You don't "Owe her" anything in return for those choices.  If you can and want to do something for her within reason, that's great!  However, if you physically, emotionally or in any other way CANNOT, then you cannot.  That does NOT make you a "bad daughter."  Frankly, knowing that you're in pain with your ankle, your demanding jobs, and the fact that despite all these challenges you are STILL trying to help her and her response is to treat you BADLY and try to emotionally blackmail you makes HER a BAD MOTHER.   That response from her is not kind, helpful or fair.   She's being incredibly selfish and cruel. 

My two cents, tell her simply and honestly that you aren't sure you can complete the dress.  If she's  worried about it, she needs to make alternative plans.   Tell her you can't handle the amount of stress on you right now or be constantly working and need to have free time for yourself.   Understand that she is likely going to respond badly, just try not to let it effect you.  You HAVE to take care of yourself.  

In the meanwhile, I'd start looking for other places to live.  

5 minutes ago, TeeBell said:

Right because you wanted attention, so couldnt the same argument be made for my friend who said the n word? all he knew in his drunken stupor was that he wanted to hurt this guys feelings for some reason so he said something he knew would get him into a fight. By proxy wouldnt that mean he isnt like racist but said those things to engage in a fight????

Again, that's a very false equivalency. There's plenty of words he could have used to "hurt someone's feelings" that aren't racist slurs.  So why did his brain go there?  And if your argument is "he knew it would hurt the most"- that makes him a WORSE person, not a better one.  Why would he WANT to get into a fight in the first place?  

Just now, TeeBell said:

Thank you for your insight. I do have a question though (for discussion sake). If I got wasted and called my friend a c.u.n.t because they did something (totally reasonable like take away my drink because i was too drunk) and the next day they told me i called them that. I dont believe that they are one, or would ever call them that while im sober but that term is kind of derogatory toward women. Does this mean i think less of women? If in my right mind i dont feel that this person was that word then in that instance i would say my subconsious is not a women hater or something? (this story is made up and being used only for context in a hypothetical conversation)

While that term is offensive to some and insulting and could definitely HURT, it's still not the same thing as a racist slur, nor does it carry the same weight.  

I'll use your specific discussion example-  If you had a Black female friend - Of the two words in question- which word do you think would hurt her more and which do you think she would forgive more easily?  That's the point. 

Hurt feelings don't equal racism.  

In this instance, I think your husband is right.    I understand what you are trying to say with a car accident example, but that's a false equivalency in this specific case. 

IMVHO, I don't think people who aren't racist would ever use the N word, even when drunk, unless at LEAST some small part of them felt that way.  Many people would never use that word EVER, no matter their condition. 

I don't think alcohol changes who we are, in terms of values, perspectives or deep feelings on subjects.  I think it loosens our lips and takes away filters we might otherwise have UP.  I also think there's a BIG difference between getting drunk and saying something you regret, versus using a racist slur.  Some people may disagree, but I think many people say ordinary things they can regret when drunk, I don't think that many people make racist slurs when they're drunk IF at least a small part of them isn't already racist.  But that's just my two.  Perhaps you don't know this mutual friend as well as you think you do.  I wouldn't want to be around this person ever again, either.  

In terms of things like car accidents when drunk, I believe that's a completely separate issue.  I don't think anyone inherently thinks or has the opinion that it's ok to kill people while driving.  That's not a belief system in the same way that a racist opinion is.  Most people don't casually think of killing someone, versus racist thoughts being a casual everyday thing to some people- which is why I said it's a false equivalency.  I understand what you are saying in terms of doing/saying something you regret, but they diverge in terms of INTENT and BELIEF.  

So in this case your husband is right.  While not 100% of the time, people don't inherently change who they are at their core just because they got drunk.  In this case,  I believe a drunken word IS a sober thought. 

On 2/22/2023 at 8:14 PM, Kelly1988 said:

IMy boyfriend went to a bar and didn’t mention to me he was, which isn’t really a big deal to me but he got a girls number while out, he claims it was for work reasons. He’s looking to hire a few servers at his restaurant. 
anyways, she’s friends with one of my friends, he wasn’t aware of this and screenshot the text to my friend of their conversation. In the conversation he’s asking how she slept and were her dreams good…. Seems inappropriate for a work conversation. And it has me really annoyed. Am I over reacting? 

No one needs to get someone's number at a bar for "work reasons".   Most business people would find this unprofessional, unless it was a work event.  And most random women at bars, would probably find it sleazy and not legit. 

He should put up a sign in his restaurant that says HELP WANTED and let legit people looking for work to come to him.  He does NOT have to go to a bar and get people's number.  That's nonsense. 

You should trust your gut on this one.    You don't say how long you've been together, but honestly, I'd dump him.  Sure seems like a liar and a gas-lighter.  People like this rarely change. 

2 hours ago, TeeBell said:

I CANT BELIEVE SHE CANT FORGIVE YOU FOR SOMETHING SO TRIVIAL while the other part of me is like NO thats in the past we have moved on from that lets work on this problem right here right now. 

Sometimes her personality is too much for me so i back off for a while but she always texts me like a week later saying she never gets to see me and she misses me and she thinks im avoiding her and hurting her feelings when im just trying to keep a healthy distance between us. She gets very jealous sometimes and hurt when i dont invite her to things im doing with other friends and makes me feel guilty for not inviting her.. I cant just stop being friends with her. She is single and lives alone so i guess i kind of feel bad when i have my partner to keep me company. 

I can understand why you might feel it's trivial by comparison.  The problem is, you aren't her.  I'll use an example from my own life to illustrate my point.  I have trauma from my past about feeling worthless.  So, if someone were to call me that specific word "worthless", someone I consider a "friend", that would actually traumatize me.  Other people might think that would be trivial, but to me, it isn't.  I could likely get over (and have) many other things that some people might consider "worse".  It's all relative, which is why I find it wise not to compare "hurts" in life, as different things hurt different people to varying degrees.  I'm glad that you're trying to do that, even if it's been a struggle. 

I'm glad to hear you take time to back away and do what you know is healthy for you by creating distance between you.  I want you to recognize, however, that the way she pulls you back in, so to speak, is actually emotional blackmail.  Which looks a lot like " If you don't do what I want, you're hurting my feelings."  While she allowed to feel whatever she wants in response to your actions, you are equally allowed to do what you feel is best for YOU, regardless of her feelings.  I know it can be hard to cut people out of our lives, so you do you.  However, I'd really advise you to put yourself and your own mental well-being first.  That doesn't make you selfish or "bad".  Even if you do remain friends with her, at least remember that it's not your job in life to sacrifice your well being for someone else's comfort, whether you feel bad for them or not.  

Best of luck to you, truly.  

True forgiveness of someone means complete forgiveness.  Meaning that you don't bring it up again, use it as leverage or as a shaming tool to pull out when it's convenient.  You may have forgotten, but you haven't fully forgiven.  

Which begs the question, why DID you choose to keep her in your life?  She's clearly not a good friend to you.  She's a drama queen.  She cheated with your boyfriend.  What are YOU getting out of this relationship?  A fascination with her?  A desire for revenge?  A need to be accepted by her?  I don't know, but people don't keep toxic people in their life that they know are toxic unless it gives them something.  Now this thing may not always be conscious, but I think you should figure out what it is. 

At the end of the day, this isn't about her.  You already know who she is, so none of this should be shocking to you.  And yes, you did violate her trust.   Also, IMHO, you will lead a much happier life if you don't compare your mistakes with the mistakes other people.  Quantifying "goodness" or "badness" is a waste of time.   You were in the wrong in this case.  You cannot now pull out a mistake of hers that you've claim to forgiven, and then attempt to absolve your own by saying her was "worse".  "Better" and "worse" are just words we use. Mistakes are mistakes and different things hurt people in different ways.  As people, we're always going to naturally assume that the mistakes we've done to others don't impact them as much as their mistakes against us impacted us.  But that's baloney, because we can't know the full impact that our mistakes had, because we simply AREN'T that person and don't live in their shoes.  What may seem minor to us, may be bigger in scale to that person.   

If I were you, I'd just cut out this toxicity from my life.  But it's your life.  You need to understand that if you want her to remain, you will have to FULLY forgive her.  If you choose to do that, you also can't brush off all your future mistakes towards her because "hers was worse".  In terms of her forgiving you, that's her choice.  Maybe it's not "bad" to you, but you don't know what "violation of trust" may trigger in her.   Personally, if she can't forgive you, I think it's a good time to end this so-called friendship.  You don't really seem to like each other very much, anyway.