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the day nc was broken i've stayed away from skype/contact since jun 20 and today, i really didn't want to go on it and checked if he was there and he wasn't but i needed to use it with my family, so, i had myself as invisible. but for some reason he called me twice. according to nc, i should ignore it, but i've healed enough and i'm more of an lc person because to ignore him on purpose is just mean. i apologized and said i was engaged in another call. he said, don't apologize. talk to you soon. a couple of hours later when my other call ended, i saw he was online so i just asked if he still wanted to talk. i waited for ten minutes, no response and i really don't mind because it's either he's away from the computer or busy flirting with his ex. either way, i'm not bothered. so i said, 'guess not. well, i'm off. take care!' i think this is pretty good. he can send me an e-mail to apologize or he can not do anything and i'll still be fine. back to nc for me for now simply because i've nothing to say to him and he should come to me, really. meanwhile, he's still in contact with the ex and it doesn't really bother me anymore because i'm not going to dictate whom he can and can't have in his life. i want him to have all the people he wants in his life in his life. i want him to be happy. i love him and the day he wants my love, he knows where i am and if he decides he doesn't, then, he doesn't. no one's ever going to make me like horseradish until i want to like it. same diff! good luck, all on nc! really, we're all just a bunch of human beings who will expire one day. don't let things get to you too much, hm?

yea, we split up mainly because we'd be living in different countries so the romantic feelings, attraction, etc. will probably be there because we didn't fall out of love, so to speak. and yea, my ex is an ex for a reason -- he wanted it! heh. what he did was disrespectful, though, but what wouldn't have been disrespectful? stay together forever until the end of time? that isn't feasible either. i guess that's why i can be friends with them because it was either a break-up or a marriage and we're all too young for marriage. haven't even got a career, what are we doing getting married and trying to hold each other up financially? ah, there's the future. the hope of youths! nah, don't think of yourself as 'single'. single implies that you're not with someone. since when was it mandatory to be with someone?

day # i don't know because keeping count is just adding another piece of obsessive behaviour to my repertoire was going to break nc today because i didn't care anymore. keeping nc is like i still care about the break-up, like i still hold a grudge against someone who doesn't want to be my boyfriend (i don't want to be some other people's girlfriend but i sure hope they're not holding a grudge over me for that.) he's not coming back (as far as i can tell, he's not coming back now, hello, if he wanted to he wouldn't have broken us up) so really what does it matter? i'm one of those people who keep their exes in their lives so this nc will be broken some day. he was important to me and i like him as a person. but, hey, i'm keeping nc anyway because i just want peace for now. we can always be friends later. it's sad we're no longer together but it's sadder that the situation is still such a mess that i can't even do what i want anymore. silly, silly! and on my side i'm consciously keeping nc while he has no clue and it's like, 'hi, crazy, you're in this competition with yourself.' this powerplay crap that i really don't care for anymore. i didn't before i got with him and i still don't. i guess that's why it's a game i lose. but in the final words of rhett butler..

my contact has been sporadic but the last time was 6 days ago and today feels like day 1 (and you broke us up in bleeding april!!) because i'm really not going to think about your existence today. my friend is pissed at me for being in pain and it's just too much stupidity for me to handle right now. i seriously hate you for meeting me because i was a happy girl who is now having to record how many days she hasn't spoken with a boy. you're a doodoohead. so unless you contact me you better believe that this is freaking it.

ah, i did the letter thing too and now i get to sit with knowledge that he can read it all over again anytime he wants. but i don't feel too embarrassed about it because i was being completely honest and that's a quality i'd like to keep in myself. i also look at it as my say. the break-up was his say without my input. well, damnit, i've things to say about it as well. when i gave him the letter he told me i was idealizing the relationship but i really don't care what he thinks because he was in justify-the-breakup mode. in the end, he'll see that someone sincerely cared for him and he cast her away. feel better!

think of it this way in your head, 'MAYBE' as in 'MAYBE WE'LL MEET AS FRIENDS' but that is entirely up to you. keep doing your nc and maybe by the end of it you won't even want him back. but you'll definitely get to a point of indifference and that is when you can decide how it'll go. the power to decide is yours. meanwhile, let time be your friend and let time do what it does best. good luck to all on nc!