HiddenGoseki

I wanted to come back and re-read what I wrote here. I find comfort in sharing this story (hopefully) anonymously and with complete strangers because I couldn’t look somebody in the eye and say these things. Please excuse with my grammatical mistakes and spelling errors; I won’t re-work this much. This is a follow up to the events that has happened to me since the last time I posted here. I hope that this story may inspire hope to anybody who may be searching for it. Not too long after I made the posting, I realized the folly I had created when I broke up with my significant other was taking a toll on my mental and physical health. I became fatigued, my performance at work dropped, and I looked forward only to sleep where, in my blissful state of non pensive rationale, I found the momentary sanctuary of peace from these impervious thoughts of self-hatred. I, in other words, was depressed. In all the things I never wanted to be but became in my original post, I was now able to add another, a pitiful self-loathing sloth of a man. I did not want any of this, so before me were what I saw as two options. The first, submit to my ill-fate and move on self-haltingly in my life’s journey and hope for an event to change my plight, or the second, muster up what fight I have and change my plight. I chose the latter. I knew I could not do this alone so I sought for help. Since my last post, I’ve gone and continue to go to therapy by a psychologist. I sought my physicians advice about HPV and he once again confirmed to me his reasonable belief that ‘as long as you’ve been outbreak free for 3 months, you can have unprotected sex without worry of it (though he didn’t recommend it) because the body develops anti-bodies for it.’ I know my partner has gotten or getting the Guardisil shot that protects against the four common cancer causing strands. Most importantly, I have since defined a set of ethical standards that I choose to live by generated by my own free will and thought and not influenced by others. They are very simply, 1. Be honest because you cannot fool yourself. 2. Do not expect people to earn your respect, respect everybody until they lose your respect. 3. Be polite even when others are not. Saying “thank you” or “please” will not offend anybody. 4. Malicious thought or behavior has never been as productive as diplomacy. This leads to rule… 5. Do not be afraid to apologize for your mistakes; because this simply goes back to rule #1 As I continue to try to better myself, and read books such as Harris’, I’m OKAY – You’re Okay, and Tolle’s, The Power of Now, I am beginning to become very optimistic that my life’s journey will not continue to be marred by depression. I am a better person now then I was 4 months ago because I chose to take initiative in my life for self-betterment. I have learned not to seek happiness but peace, because happiness is simply a temporary state of mind that exists in the absense of sadness. Happiness would not exist without sadness, but peace is ever lasting. I hope that this small excerpt may give hope to others that change is possible. However bad it may seem at times, wanting change and working hard towards it is possible. The hardest thing I have encountered about this entire process has been convincing me that I can change my personality and my character. I plan on continuing this and I am now seeking to learn patience as I am now ready to move onto the next relationship, but this time, I’m going to do it right.

Dear Friends, I heard about this website through a friend who said that the people here are very helpful and compassionate, and that is something I very much need right now. This is my first post here, and it comes in a time when I’m seeking help from anybody willing to listen because I’m at my wits end. This is my story: I met a beautiful young girl in college who I immediately fell in love with when I got to know her. She had everything about her I wanted; she was the perfect girl anybody could ever want to meet! Smart, funny, level-headed, family orientated, high sense of morals, loyal, honest, and the list goes on. I have nothing but good things to say about her, but alas, I am flawed at heart. In my mind or in my self described ‘relationship wisdom’ I cast off her young innocence due to her being too young and she’ll mature out of me simply due to her age. You see, she had not had any boyfriends prior, and was never tainted by the shattering of heartbreak. My doubt got the better of me and I cheated on her in the first few months I met her. Although we had just started dating, I betrayed the very essense that was her. I simply wish I could end my grief there, but alas the story goes on. She was this young innocent girl from a strong family background who excelled in all aspects of her life from school, to work, to friends. She is one of the few genuinely honest people you’ll ever encounter in your life, and I rode her innocence to {Mod Edit}. I cheated on her, I lied to her, and the lies self-perpetuated themselves to become entrenched in my personality. I realized what I had done very soon into the relationship; I vowed to change my ways because I loved her. The more I got to know her, the more I fell in love with her. I locked away these demons in my closet, and I had many to hide. I remained quite faithful to her for several years since the first shaky months, but it was already too late. There were so many lies I said to her that I lost count, and lost track. I was lying to keep the person I loved because if I told her the truth then I was afraid she was going to leave me. I lied about the number of partners I had in the past because the number would be way high for anybody. I even lied about lying. This is not who I am, but yet I became exactly what I didn’t want to be. The worst part about it now is that I kept the biggest most important secret that anybody who ever may be interested in me has a right to know; I have an STD: genital warts or the HPV virus. I had this long before I met her, and in my frantic research and multiple doctor visits and questions, I falsely came to the conclusion that once the warts were removed that the virus would not be transmitted for as long as I made sure there were no other outbreaks. I did not know better, and the information I read and asked about was inaccurate. I passed the virus along to her, and for women, certain strands of the virus are high-risk strands that can lead to cervical cancer. I was possibly the worst first boyfriend she could ever have. I ruined her life—and probably any good chances of her meeting the right person because I made her lose her innocence. I not only lied to her, cheated on her, but I also now put her health at risk permanently. I cannot take that back, I didn’t know better and I’m so sorry. I am begging her for her forgiveness, though I never expect it to come. I loved her, I wanted to marry her. Now, I want to take my own life to make up for taking hers, and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. This is my repent. This is not who I am; I don’t recognize the person in the mirror anymore. I am not a lair though I am. I never thought in my entire life I would ever cheat on anybody, yet alone the person I claimed to love—but I cheated. The worst part about it, I gave her a STD to the person I love that she’ll have to live with for the rest of her life because I was too stupid and naïve to think genital warts would not get transmitted even though there may not be an outbreak. I’m so sorry, I cannot think of a punishment worthy enough to make what is right—not even death. What should I do? How should I go on? Is this between me and God now—because if it is I’m too ashamed to meet my maker.