zerohalo

I'm massively inexperienced at dating, so I know what you're talking about. The whole idea of the dating 'game' is abhorrent to me. One of my buddies put it pretty well, when you stop looking for someone that's when you usually find them.

But honestly, it is a balancing act between showing enough of your true self to the other person to attract them, but not send them off running and screaming. I've got it down to the point where they still run, but at least they stop screaming while they do it.

FYI, relationships aren't always romantic. I have a relationship with my parents, with my best friend, etc, etc. Don't jump the gun, it could be almost anything that she's talking about. Like someone else pointed out, it could be that her ex is hassling her, it could be her roommate started smoking crack again, who knows?

Just give her a bit of space and see if she comes back. You could always give her another call in a week or so and just see how she's doing. Could be things have settled down in her life, could be she really needs someone to talk to, or you could find out that she was blowing you off, but give her another chance.

Ooooh obsession! The guy with OCD can actually contribute to the topic! [EDITORS NOTE- That'd be me.]

Obsessing over a woman, or anything for that matter, is a tough one to get your head out of. Every little word, every hint is analzyed and reanalyzed. What did she mean when she called me 'Hon'? Why didn't she call me today? Blah blah blah. In your case its, 'Why did she add me to her friends list in myspace?' but it's all the same.

Don't sweat the small stuff when it's the big things that matter. She's not talking to you. She told you that you two would never be together. Focus on THAT.

If you want to obsess, obsess over your feelings on the situation, why you're responding the way you are. That's the path that leads you to get some control over obsession.

It's true that some guys fantasize about various women during the day. It's also true that some guys fantasize about other women during sex. They key word here is SOME.

And I tend to think this isn't just a male thing. As far as insulting goes, the article kinda is insulting; I hate stereotypes.

The only thing that is wrong with you is that you think there is something wrong with you. You just have to realize that you are very very young. I don't know ... I would say that I did not feel real, genuine love for anyone until maybe a year ago in my life. And I am almost 22! I'm not saying you're incapable of feeling the real, genuine kind of love for someone. Interesting ... when I was your age, all I cared about was video games. I wish I could go back to those days ... sometimes. No issues with women. The only issue was how to beat the boss in that game. Anyway, hang in there. You got way too much ahead of you to start worrying about this stuff so much.

Ah the blissful days of playing my good ol' Sega Genesis. No worries about dating or sex or any of that stuff, just lots of killing baddies on the tv screen.

Don't sweat this too much, bud. I know it sounds awfully lame for me to say that, but I used to be you. My parents moved me all over the country so it was really hard to ever make friends or fit in. You'll find your stride, just try really hard to not be down on yourself. Just be you, because in 5 years (max) I can almost guarantee women will find you interesting and you'll have a close group of good friends. Trying to be something you're not, it both sucks and blows at the same time.

There is a line in pulp fiction that I am going to butcher that is very applicable.

"Why can't people just shut the eff up?"

We don't HAVE to fill in all those long silences. My best friend and I had this talk once, where I was wondering if he found the long silences in our conversations awkward and he said he just thought it was cool that we could have comfortable silence. So now, when we have nothing to say, we just shut it. It's not like we're going to stop being friends just cause we can't think of some pointless thing to bring up.

I think the same can be said for talking with anyone. I just ask a lot of questions, but sometimes there isn't anything to say. There's nothing wrong with that, just sit back a second, have a sip of your drink and let your brain contemplate.

That's tougher. It could be his need for physical intimacy in this bout of depression is just overriding everything else. The question becomes, is he just looking for physical intimacy, or is he looking for physical intimacy with you.

I've been in a long distance relationship before, and I know how overpowering that need can be. All I can really say is, maybe try to get him to talk more about what's happening with whatever is bothering him. It might be the only way he knows how to share is by having sex, and maybe he needs to explore actually talking with you instead of just having sex.

You know him, do you think he'd be open to that? Imagine how good the sex will be if you two can connect on this level. In a way I envy you, but it sounds like it might be a little rough getting there.

Right on. I have always thought that.

 

No, I would never pay for sex. I would rather spend my money and time investing in a long term relationship where she WANTS to have sex with me, and not with anyone who shows her dollar bills.

 

For some reason, that seems to be much more satisfying.

Indeed. I want a woman to have sex with me because she desires me, and not Ben Franklin.

He might be frustrated, but I don't think he's angry. He just wants to feel loved and close to someone during this time when he's really low. He probably feels very alone, and when you two are making love, that's the ultimate way to feel not-alone with your partner.

Actually confronting him about this would not be the way to go. He is looking for some major acceptance and love, not questions.

No. There's no connection with the person save for my wallet.

Actually some people kiss with their eyes open because they have trust issues. Kissing is an intimate act that does require trust, I mean think about it, your eyes are closed and you're oblivious to the world. I just wanted to throw that in there because it's not always about just wanting to watch.

If it's his personality to be open and honest about these things and you don't want to hear it, you're going to have problems. You're either going to have to accept that he loves you and that is who he is, or you're going to have to seriously examine things long term. Making him bottle up all of those thoughts is eventually going to drive him nuts.

"And a side question; are there any good positions out there for non-pentatrive sex positions? We're not going there yet, but we love grinding with each other."

Ever hear of hotdogging? Look it up on google.

Men daydream about sex with various partners and in various situations.

Yep.

Men masturbate while indulging these fantasies.

Yep.

Men add spice to lovemaking by fantasizing about someone other than the current sexual partner.

Nope.

The same men who use sex to express love can and will use sex manipulatively and for no other reason than for sex itself.

Hell yes to having sex just for sex itself, never for the manipulation.

Most men have times when they just want sex for the physical sake of sex itself without the entanglement of a relationship. Sometimes a man just wants a woman's body. She can be asleep or drunk or even watching television; he doesn't even care.

Yep. There's a big turn on to a woman giving you permission to do whatever you want to her even when she's asleep. Total surrender is hot.

There was an expression during World War II that explains this thought process: "Throw a flag over her face and do it for Old Glory!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Women often wonder, "Why would a man pay for sex when it is easily obtained for free in our society?" The fact is that the man will pay because he is only interested in "getting in and getting out," quickly, and without any other involvement. This way of thinking is practically incomprehensible to a woman.

Easily obtained free sex? This writer is smoking crack.

But even more incomprehensible to a woman is that a man can have sex with a woman he does not love at noon and then expect sex from a woman he does love in the same afternoon. Women can not understand this total separation and then total merger of sex and love.

My ex thought this way. That's why she's my ex.

There is another reason men can divorce sex and love. Males reach the peak of their sexual energy in their teens.

My need now for sex is far more intense than the random horny thoughts when I was a teenager, so nope.

This article sucked.

Back in my college days, my ex practiced a dance routine for a week in anticipation of performing for me. When the time came, she unfortunately got the 'sillies' like you're sort of feeling right now. That was mostly my fault though, cause I think I had a pretty naughty gleam in my eye when she started.

I guess what I'm saying is, practice. If you feel once you perform your moves (whatever those may be, dancing, sexy walks, etc) that doing it front of him will make you uncomfortable, just pretend you're someone else, like you're playing a role. I find that helps me immensely if I just pretend that I'm not Zerohalo, geek-extraordinaire, but instead I'm Zerohalo, sex-king. Whether it's true or not doesn't matter, it just puts me in the right mindset.

Give it a try.

I agree with Hope75 200%.

Probably if you started your text message with, I'm sorry I turned you down last night, but I am soooooo ready tonight, this wouldn't have happened. I think he was majorly looking for some action the previous night and your 180 the next day confused the crap out of him.

I can tell you that if you're in a solid relationship, I don't think a guy would think less of you for being sexually adventurous. Quite the contrary, in fact.

Personally, vaginal sex during a woman's period is one place I won't go. Blood = bad, but that's me.

I've felt exactly the same way as your boyfriend. For me, it started to feel like work because I had to make every decision in bed. When to switch positions, what we were going to do next, etc. 90% of the time, the burden of our sexual encounters was on me. And yes, I mean burden. I wasn't having sex with an equal partner, but someone who just expected me to know what to do. At times I didn't mind this, I mean most guys would like a woman who would just do whatever they wanted (that also got frustrating because then things started going off the sex menu). But it started driving me nuts that I couldn't get her to initiate anything, and if she did she started analyzing what we were doing instead of just enjoying it. Blech.

It was even worse when she really wanted to do something sexual and she pressured me. I knew she wouldn't be that into it, which in turn made me not want to be into it, and so that feeling of 'work' came into play again.

I dunno if that's your situation at all, but I guess you just sort of struck a nerve.

The rhythm method is not reliable at all. If you aren't interested in condoms, maybe you should think about a diaphram.

I swear, lately it seems like I'm channeling parts of my own life onto this board through other posters. We really aren't alone in this crazy world, huh?

Just from my own personal experience, and this is going to sound really really bad, but I was in nearly the exact situation you were in, and as it turned out my ex was cheating on me. This doesn't mean it's happening to you, but I found your situation earily similar.

Frankly I don't know what else to say other than you might need to confront him about it, although not in an acusatory manner. I also felt that my ex wasn't cheating on me... right up until I confronted her and discovered the truth.

And believe me, I really hope I'm wrong.

To be honest, I was like this in college. My ex really wanted to see me during the day (for 1 year we went to the same school), wanted to hold hands and what-not on campus. I was a moronic-freak for telling her no. In my mind, she would be a distraction to what I was doing, so I waited until my stress was gone (the weekend) to pay her attention.

It was stupid, it was selfish, and it sounds an awful lot like your situation.

or.....thinking about baseball or something.

"Chandlers arms.... Chandlers elbows.... Chandlers knees..."

You may never know, now. I have a friend who missed the most completely obvious signals a woman sent him... calling him from the beach to say she was wearing a little bikini, asking him if he wanted a drive home when he clearly arrived with a friend... it still kills me to think about it.

I'm going to say that you may have missed an opportunity, but you'll never really know. Sometimes you just have to say goodbye to president Lincoln and Jackson and view it as an investment. It may not yield a return, but then again you could've been a millionaire.

I know the feeling well. For me, my ex was very encouraging about bringing ideas up and about 99% of the time she was at least willing to give it a go. It was very scary to bring this stuff up for the same reasons you mention, was she going to say ewww, was she going to think I was a bad person, etc, etc.

You could just try talking about it immediately after you've had sex, afterglow is a great time because of the connection you're both feeling. Just bring up something very very small at first and gauge his reaction. If he seems intrigued or at least willing to try it, go for it. Hopefully this will help to begin to break the communcation barrier you've got going and you'll both be more open to discussing other activities.