Thank you for your replies. I am giving him space, it is killing me but I am not texting or calling him.
I have had time to reflect, and I have realised that for the last 5 months, the ego side of my personality has had all the control. The part that has made me needy,argumentative, defensive, selfish and insecure. And I smashed that. I picked it up like a vase and smashed it at the floor. I have taken back the control.
This is why I know if we gave things another go, we would make it work.
I went for a drink with him on sunday. Part of what he has said is that we have lost ourselves in the process of trying to make one another happy. When we were at the pub, we had quite a laugh considering, and I saw the 'josh' again, that he said he had lost. I thought 'there he is'.
He said he just needs to concentrate on his friends and family at the moment. I have been keeping myself busy with my friends, and I want to keep doing this (something that I probably haven't been doing a lot of since I got together with Josh as the majority of my energies were on him), and I want to keep doing this. But I want him as well. I want him to go out with his friends and have a laugh, but then have me as well.
Why can't this happen? Or can it?
10 days ago, we stood in his garden in the pouring rain. Just 10 DAYS AGO. I was crying and looking at the ground and he lifted my head up, kissed me and said 'when I get a good thing I hold onto it, and we are a good thing. So lets forget all the * * * * and just be' then asked if I could do it. For the first time, I answered 'yes' from my heart. Because I was on the brink of losing him so had this shock realisation of what I had to do to hold onto him.
Before, during all the bickering, we kept saying 'lets stop this' and it didn't, bacause I was talking from my head and not my heart then.
After this I presumed we were going to try make it through.
This is the guy that after watching my dad and stepmothers wedding video, took my hand and said 'I want us to have a video'.
I knew things weren't totally right, but thought, I am going to do all I can, and it's going to be hard, but we can do this.
A few days later he then said he didn't know what he wanted. This was hard. Then we met up and I said that I had to know either way. And he said that because he didn't know what he wanted, that splitting up was the fairest thing for me. He said I had pushed him into this decision because I had said I just need to know, I can't be kept in this limbo situation.
ARGH!!!!!